tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58087679136218901482024-03-12T18:26:44.655-05:00Diary of a Mad Overeater 2.0Recovering from compulsive overeating one day at a time.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.comBlogger185125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-82728635951944713362014-05-01T08:22:00.001-05:002014-05-01T08:24:20.244-05:00Unlinking Food and Exercise?<span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #222222; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #222222; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #222222; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">::Hi, Charlie!::</span><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #222222; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #222222; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I have been working with my sponsor to figure out the best approach to eating. I've been counting calories and exercise... making sure that</span><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> after everything is added up I don't consume more than 1760 net calories in a given day. That's to lose about a pound per week. The challenge is that - if left to my own choices throughout the day - I will completely ignore fruits and vegetables. So now my food plan has been changed to include a mandate that I eat 4 vegetable servings and two fruit servings a day. I think this could work for me.</span></span></span></span><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> there's the whole exercise thing. I'm not a big sports guy. Exercise does not one naturally to me. BUT when faced with the idea that I've eaten all my calories for the day, it's amazing how I will be motivated to go run 3-4 miles.</span></span></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I decided that I needed to rest my legs yesterday. That meant I would <i>only</i> get to eat my 1760 calories. I ate fine. But then after dinner I was really restless... I was a little angry that I couldn't eat more. I considered just ignoring my calorie count. I thought about eating an apple... healthy, you know?</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I had told my sponsor that I was dreading a day without running for that very reason, and she recommended I write about it. So here I am.</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">I am thinking I might need to unlink food and exercise. I really don't want to, but is that what my HP is encouraging me to do?</span></span>Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-57670523041403991322014-04-30T16:48:00.001-05:002014-04-30T16:50:05.696-05:00Back Again... AgainMy name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I'm also back in OA, which is a relief to me. And I'm abstinent. In fact, today is Day 38. I've lost 12 pounds. I'm working the steps with a sponsor. I'm running again, working toward a half marathon in July. I'm planning an 11-mile run for tomorrow morning.<br />
<br />
These are all miracles.<br />
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I plan to be back here more often from now on... working out all that's happening in my life. I appreciate those of you who prayed for me and commented after my last post. Thank you.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-13433688277133012842013-08-06T01:26:00.002-05:002013-08-06T01:26:46.606-05:00TodayMy name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
It's been quite a year. I've moved, started a new job, stopped going to meetings, and gained 30+ pounds.<br />
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If you read this, you can say a prayer for me. I need to find the willingness to surrender again.<br />
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I'm generally happy, but I am not happy with my weight and my health. And I do believe that it's a degenerative thing.<br />
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Sleep well, friends. Thank you for reading.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-70844064301660910512012-04-04T10:08:00.002-05:002012-04-04T10:08:59.328-05:00Holy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<div>
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::Hi, Charlie!::</div>
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<div>
It's Holy Week. For Christians throughout the world, this is an incredibly important time of the year. It's sacred, set apart, a time to reflect on what, for us, brings our life purpose and meaning.</div>
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Jesus lived. Jesus died. Jesus rose again. In Him, I die - my flesh is crucified <i>with </i>Him. And in Him, I rise again - I rise <i>with </i>Him to new life, to new meaning and purpose, to new joy, to new hope, to a fuller living experience. And in some mysterious way, I enter the Kingdom of God <i>now.</i> I participate in the everlasting life to come <i>right now.</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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I may be overwhelmed with preparations for Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday. I may be pulling out my hair prepping for choir practices, band and orchestra rehearsals, narration, pageantry, lighting and media, and all the human drama that goes into working at a church during a very busy time of the year. Yes, I had a hard time even getting a deep breath yesterday, and I wanted to cry on more than one occasion. </div>
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And yet.</div>
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Jesus lived. Jesus died. Jesus rose again. And as I surrender to the new life that He births in me, I can abstain - one day at a time - from compulsive overeating. </div>
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Thanks be to God for DAY TEN. A fresh start, a new beginning. Peace, joy, hope and new life to ALL of you: Christian, atheist, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Wiccan, agnostic, Hindu. Happiness. Joy. Freedom.</div>Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-67559077526401651342012-03-28T00:20:00.000-05:002012-03-28T00:20:13.113-05:00Let White Flags Fly... I Surrender<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
<br />
::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I've been trying to convince myself that I could do this on my own. That I just needed to exercise some self-discipline, work out a few more times each week, talk things over with my wife or my weight-loss buddy. Those things are good, but they're not Program. And I'm a sick man. Somewhere along the way, I contracted a disease<br />
<br />
For about 5 months now, I've been back in the insanity, back in the disease of compulsive overeating. I've been counting calories like a madman. Using my iPhone app to track food and exercise. But then you know what I did? I worked out SO THAT I could eat more. I would be in my pantry late at night going, "I still have 27 calories left for today. <i>What can I eat?</i>" I would eat very little all day so that I could binge on chips and peanuts and beer while I watched TV. And those were the days when I actually stuck to the plan. On many other days, I would have that "oh, screw this" moment when I just decided to "start over tomorrow." My weight has gone up and up and up and my sanity and serenity has been further and further away from my daily life.<br />
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I have to be honest. I haven't been miserable. You know those people who say "My worst day in recovery is better than my best day before recovery"? I have not experienced that to be true in my life. I had many, many wonderful days both in and out of recovery. I love my life.<br />
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Even through this 5-month... "break," I was in touch with some of my OA friends, and even some of my OA-HOW friends. No one judged me. All I got was love. And I was ashamed that I was so unwilling to call them back, to surrender again. I'm grateful for them.<br />
<br />
What happened? I wish I knew. God works in me like that sometimes. It was this past Sunday. I had committed my "plan" to a (non-OA) friend and I was all ready to go. And I slipped again. I threw it all out the window. My family went to a Mexican restaurant and I binged on chips and salsa, queso, enchilados, beans, Margaritas... And then, later that night, ice cream. And I knew, in my soul, that I was destined to kill myself with this sickness. I would never be free until I surrendered.<br />
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Monday morning I called my sponsor, whom I had not spoken to in months. He was so cool... He told me that it was a God-thing that I had called. The previous day, Sunday, he had told an OA friend of his that he always kept a spot open for his sponsees who had kind of fallen away, because he wanted to be available if they ever called back. The friend thought he was crazy. And then, the very next morning, I called. Wow.<br />
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And all day, God kept revealing truth about recovery to me. And I surrendered again. And again. And that day, as I stood in my kitchen measuring and weighing food... I just had to grin because it felt like I was at home. So comfortable and free. And I wasn't counting calories. I had no idea how many calories I was consuming. I wasn't craving things. I wasn't plotting and planning and scheming. I was free.<br />
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And last night, as I went for (what turned out to be my fastest-ever) 5K run, I did it NOT so that I could eat more when I got home, but because I want to run again. Because I ran a 9.3-mile race back in October, dammit, and I am not willing to just throw that away! I am sore and tired today, but in a good way.<br />
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My sponsor and I talked again, late on Monday night, and I told him my plan. I'm calling him every day. I'm eating on the plan that was given to me by my OA-HOW sponsor 18 months or so ago. I'm not eating sugar or white flour. I'm free from that. It doesn't bring me joy or peace or health. I'm working the Steps, starting with a 4th Step on the last 5 months outside of Program.<br />
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On Sunday, I weighed in at 184.4 pounds, up from my low of 160 last August and still down from my high of 240. I'll weigh once a week. It's not about the weight, but it sure is a red flag for me. If my weight is going up all the time, and I can't get it down, then I'm eating compulsively and I need help. I need intervention.<br />
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My gratitude to all who've emailed, Tweeted, commented. Your concern for me is awesome, and I'm blown away by the love. I can't promise forever, but I'm here today, and I'm grateful to be in fellowship with you again.<br />
<br />Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-81043846876035841352012-01-23T00:45:00.001-06:002012-01-23T00:47:47.743-06:00What Now?My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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Even now, after sitting here in the kitchen and eating and eating and eating. Even now, I am in denial. I don't have a problem. I just need to be more careful. I just need to do better. Maybe I should start a new diet tomorrow. Maybe I could count calories or do Weight Watchers.<br />
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God, help me. I'm getting up early tomorrow. I have to start doing the things I did when I was abstinent before. That's how it worked for me, right? Why so stubborn?Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-3569950601300890542012-01-13T18:15:00.001-06:002012-01-13T18:39:40.396-06:00MeetingsMy name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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I am so grateful for meetings. I finally got my ass back to a meeting yesterday. I was warmly greeted by two good OA friends and one newcomer. I forget how desperately I need the tools of this program. Why do I keep forgetting?<br />
<br />
I'm a compulsive overeater. I need a program of recovery. I need to use the tools. I need meetings.<br />
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I'm heading out to another meeting in a little bit. This one is a Christian recovery program based on the 12 Steps and also incorporating Christian teaching, mostly based around Jesus's Sermon on the Mount. It's called "Celebrate Recovery." I went last Friday night and really enjoyed it. Tonight I'll get into a small group. I'm excited because they have one specifically for pastors. I need that.<br />
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One of the interesting things they do is use the entire serenity prayer, as written in the 50s by Reinhold Niebuhr:<br />
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<i>God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.</i><br />Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-71898380107281580582012-01-12T20:11:00.002-06:002012-01-12T20:15:57.988-06:00OA Charlie EatsMy name is Charlie, and I'm a newly-abstinent compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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If you're so inclined, come visit my newest blog, <a href="http://oacharlieeats.blogspot.com/">OA Charlie Eats</a>. Warning: It's all about food. Specifically, my plan and my daily intake. Please don't visit if it's triggering to you.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-16027167200380945942011-12-22T08:42:00.000-06:002012-01-09T11:57:24.139-06:00Merry ChristmasMy name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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Three days till Christmas, and I'm caught up in the annual chaos. But I'm alive and I'm abstinent. This has been a rough patch, but I'm alive and I'm abstinent. Christ has come. Emmanuel means "God with us." I'm so grateful for the incarnation. God enfleshed. Miracle and mystery. Salvation.<br />
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I'm alive and I'm abstinent. Someday - after all the Christmas services I have to plan and lead, after my trip to visit family in Indiana - I'll post again.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-37970579650544973812011-12-11T14:09:00.001-06:002011-12-11T14:22:27.149-06:00Coming Home<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ctH496P_ZIM4zb7CIi51KEpJKw15huypyEZgWWiXE5mJBUHam6_DuutDorQbZ4H65xQs88laHxfNLQgAgtzSZGBUaDWP_70WdOar2-MFzCNh7JK_CXgxPOv6HB8VzXYuRebb50CWjos/s1600/Screen+Shot+2011-12-11+at+2.20.17+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ctH496P_ZIM4zb7CIi51KEpJKw15huypyEZgWWiXE5mJBUHam6_DuutDorQbZ4H65xQs88laHxfNLQgAgtzSZGBUaDWP_70WdOar2-MFzCNh7JK_CXgxPOv6HB8VzXYuRebb50CWjos/s400/Screen+Shot+2011-12-11+at+2.20.17+PM.png" width="400" /></a>My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I surrender. Again. I give up. I have to admit that I can't do this on my own. I am whipped. I am beat. I am hopeless and helpless without my Higher Power.<br />
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Since leaving HOW, I've had to experience again the insanity of my disease. I've had to go back to the sneaking food and the crazy thinking and the denials and the daily weigh-ins. I've obsessed over food and said I'd "start again tomorrow." I've gained at least 10 pounds. I've hated myself. I've given up the tools of the program, saying I really didn't need them, that I could just try a little harder, have a little more self-control.<br />
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The problem is, I don't have any self-control. I just don't. I have to surrender to the control of God. I have to give my life and my will to God's care. I'm so grateful I didn't have to gain 80 pounds back before I came home. I'm so glad I didn't have to eat myself to death. Because I could.<br />
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Thanks to all of you who have commented here and even emailed me. I'll get around to responding. I promise.<br />
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I'm back. Thanks for your love and support. I know you welcome me back with open arms. Because OA is home for me. It's home.<br />
<br />
<br />Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-68003990548138264042011-12-04T23:10:00.001-06:002011-12-04T23:13:32.892-06:00::sigh::My name is Charlie, and I guess I really *am* a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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I don't want to be a compulsive overeater. I want to be done with this. I want to be normal. I want to be fixed. I want to be healed. I don't want to use the damn tools.<br />
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I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to eat compulsively. I don't want to relapse. I don't want to fail.<br />
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I want to be free. I don't want to weigh and measure and call and write and read.<br />
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I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to eat anything I want to eat anytime I want to eat it... without gaining weight. Without getting compulsive again.<br />
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I. I. I. I.<br />
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-32841028351414399592011-11-03T22:00:00.002-05:002011-11-03T22:00:54.297-05:00"What you deserve is to not feel shitty."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
Where to begin?<br />
<br />
Look to your right. See the little abstinence counter? That's right. I'm starting over. Again. Since choosing to re-define my abstinence a few months ago, I've been really struggling. Just like they said I would. I hate proving them right. I hate it. I've heard so many horror stories about people who leave OA-HOW and get right back into the insanity of compusive overeating. They gain tons of weight, often more than they lost in the first place. And they either get sicker and sicker until they finally die, or they come crawling back to OA-HOW, miserable, and climb back on the willingness wagon.<br />
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I swore I would not be one of those people. And I'm not. Not yet. But I did slip. I did relapse. Damn it.<br />
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I found a sponsor in "regular" OA, and I began to work a much less structured program. This opened the door for me to eat "moderately." I eventually had an ice cream cone. Then a breakfast sandwich from McDonald's. I had pizza and dessert at a men's event at church. I stopped weighing and measuring. I started eating compulsively sometimes... quietly, secretly.<br />
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I was still running a lot. I was healthy. I was skinny. I was fine.<br />
<br />
Right.<br />
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I got real a couple weeks ago. I saw the handwriting on the wall, thank God, and I began to pray for help. I got in touch with a program friend who has what I want, and he agreed to be my sponsor. But even then, I was not very willing... Halloween came a few days ago, and I told myself I'd have "just one" Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. One turned into ten, then twenty, just like that. Damn. I felt crappy. I "washed it down" with two hunks of bread. At 10:00pm.<br />
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Even after talking to my sponsor about it and re-setting my abstinence, I overate at lunch the next day... compulsively tearing though two big plates of food at an Indian buffet. I got scared. Abstinence reset again. That night I was online and I ended up chatting with my good friend <a href="http://rabanon.blogspot.com/">G. Rabanon</a>. She helped me remember some really important things... I'm just gonna copy some of the conversation verbatim, because it was so good...<br />
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<i>Me: That's what started it last night. a frickin' peanut butter cup</i><br />
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<i>G.: Understood. Those things are deadly.</i><br />
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<i>Me: 20 little candy bars later, i feel pretty shitty</i><br />
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<i>G.: *nod*</i><br />
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<i>Me: i'm still pretty skinny! that's the thing my addict points to to justify my compulsivity</i><br />
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<i>G.: Oh Charlie, you know it's not about how skinny you are. and yeah, that's what it tells us. Always, it tells us that we've been so good, or we're skinny enough, or that we deserve it... What you deserve is to not feel shitty.</i><br />
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<i>Me: oh g. that is fucking true. thank you. god DAMN it.</i><br />
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That sentence killed me. It's exactly what I needed to hear. What I deserve, what we all deserve... is to not feel shitty. And that is what God offers us, every one of us... freedom from that awful feeling - which I can have whether I'm running 9 miles or sitting on my ass, whether I'm skinny or fat. <br />
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And so here I am again. I'm abstinent. I'm so grateful. And I'm still very cautious. I'm still very aware that I'm one bite away from a slip, from relapse. I am so compulsive, so sick. Even after all this recovery, I can so easily spiral into pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.<br />
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Thank you, God. Thank you, G. Here we go. I'll go to bed abstinent tonight. How 'bout you? <br />
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<br />Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-75952849409323479662011-10-07T09:11:00.001-05:002011-10-07T09:12:13.008-05:00Like the Wind<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I <i>felt </i>so much yesterday.<br />
<br />
I stopped at a Ticketmaster outlet on my way in to work. I was (finally) going to buy tickets to a concert I've been excited about for months. I had saved my pennies, and I was going to take Mrs. Charlie and our two teenaged sons. AND they were sold out.<br />
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I checked my email at work, and there was a sweet, concerned email from my mom. Complete with photos. She was worried about me. I'm "too thin" and I "look sick." Now she had thought this before, but this particular email was prompted by "so many people" who were talking to her about me, expressing their concern. I <i>hate</i> that.<br />
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My pastor called me in to his office a little later. We are going through a massive change in the way we worship on Sunday mornings. It's been in the works for a long, long time, but we just announced it on Sunday. Now we're dealing with the reactions of those who are happy, mad and every emotion in between. And I think my pastor is finally realizing that there's a lot of actual work to be done! He wants plans, he wants timelines, he wants assurances. He wants it on his desk Tuesday. And I'm overwhelmed.<br />
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I had a headache and felt a little barfy all morning.<br />
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I got a call from an OA-HOW friend that I used to talk to quite a bit. She was checking in, because she knew I had been considering leaving the structured way we work the program in HOW. So I told her how I was and how it was going, and she was friendly and supportive, but it was obvious to me that she disapproves. I honestly appreciate HOW people (I was one for a year!), and I want to stay in touch with them. I admire their recovery in so many ways, and I am committed to using the tools... of which one is the telephone! But sometimes I sense an unspoken accusation that I am somehow willfully taking an "easier, softer way," and that I'll be back in HOW eventually or else I'll descend into "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." That may be true. I'm a compulsive overeater, and I always will be. And I know that what people think (or what I <i>think</i> they think) is none of my business. So, yeah...<br />
<br />
When I talked to my temporary sponsor later in the afternoon, I realized that all of these experiences and feelings <i>are</i> a lot for one day. It's OK for me to feel overwhelmed. And then I was reminded that all of this was happening <i>on the first day without my sponsor</i>. Wow. No wonder I was feeling especially vulnerable. In addition to all the things I was dealing with, I was grieving too. I was feeling, at least on a subconscious level, the loss of my daily check-in with my sponsor. That structure, that order and that accountability is no longer a regular part of my life, and it's a big change. For nearly 14 months, I have talked with her almost every day for 10-15 minutes. That's approximately 4,200 minutes. That's 70 solid hours on the phone with this woman. That's a significant relationship, and I'll miss it in many ways.<br />
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And then there are the <i>good</i> feelings I experienced. I got through my first day without my sponsor... I lived through the feelings, and I didn't overeat. I didn't binge. I didn't stray from my food plan, not even a bit. I found that I didn't have to commit each individual piece of my meals. I chose what to eat from meal to meal, and I chose wisely. God gave me the strength and the willingness to stay abstinent for one more day.<br />
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I called my parents and had a good discussion with them, encouraging them and assuring them of my health and wellness - while at the same time expressing my feelings about their inappropriate talking behind my back and lack of trust in me... and setting some boundaries for the future. I think we left it in a good place. They're going to let go of their fears and trust that I am being careful, deliberate, <i>medically supervised</i> and healthy. And when people ask them about me and express concern, they are going to <i>defend me </i>instead of getting all worked up and fretting about it.<br />
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And last night as I set out on my latest 5-mile run, I felt so strong and confident. I ran faster than I should at first, <i>just because I could</i>. I had this big stupid smile on my face, and I thanked God for my body, my new life, the amazing music playing on my iPod, the community of friends I've found in OA, the amazing cool weather, my beautiful wife and kids, my temporary sponsor, a program that is <i>bigger than any one person or sponsor</i>...<br />
<br />
And the ability to run like the wind.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-89967317972365227262011-10-06T01:06:00.002-05:002011-10-06T01:12:28.258-05:00Still A Compulsive Overeater<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and <i>I'm still a compulsive overeater</i>.<br />
<br />
::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I can run 6.3 miles.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I'm maintaining a 75-80 pound weight loss.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I haven't had sugar or refined white flour in 423 days.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though everybody things I'm skinny.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I don't weigh and measure in restaurants anymore.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I do step work every day and use the tools of recovery.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though my sponsor and I - as of this morning - are no longer working together.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I have taken my recovery into my own hands, trusting God to guide me rather than surrendering to a particular method of working the program.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Even though I am going to bed tonight without planning specific food to eat tomorrow. For the first time since August 10, 2010.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> I am not "all better." I can't just "eat normally."<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> I need recovery today more than I ever have needed it. Just like every new day.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> I need you more than I have ever needed you.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> I'm grateful I don't have to face it alone.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> I'll let you know how it goes.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> And I'm so grateful for Overeaters Anonymous.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> So for today I'll stay abstinent. Today is all I have.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> I can't forget that.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> Don't let me forget that.<br />
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<i>I'm still a compulsive overeater.</i> And I always will be.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-90913283454147638062011-10-02T16:27:00.003-05:002011-10-02T16:36:53.564-05:00My Sponsor Is NOT My Higher Power (Neither Are Kanye or Jay-Z)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
Question: Has anyone ever put his or her sponsor on a pedestal and, in effect, turned him or her into a Higher Power? I was talking with my sponsor a few mornings ago and realized that is exactly what I've been doing. I am a huge people pleaser, and I have to face the reality that one of the people I want most to please is my sponsor. Like, in a kind of unhealthy way.<br />
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Now that I've started working on the 11th Step, I do a daily 10th Step and read it to my sponsor. On the first day I did that, I had to answer the following question: <i>Have I kept something to myself that should be discussed with another person at once? </i>Well, I immediately knew the answer to that question. I had not yet talked with my sponsor about Mrs. Charlie's and my upcoming trip to Cancun. Early on, when I first mentioned it to her, she had kind of a negative reaction to it, and I remember being defensive and angry about that. Since then, I have totally decided to go and made plans to go. We're leaving in about 5 weeks! And I kept meaning to tell her, but the closer it got, the more foolish I felt, and so I put it off until I read that question.<br />
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So on Friday, I took a deep breath and told her. And you know what? It's not really a bit deal. What <i>is</i> a big deal is the way I've been treating her. And it's not just regarding this trip. It's really about my whole program. Even though she's been so clear with me, I have continued to make this abstinence about pleasing <i>her</i> on some level. And that's a problem. She is <i>not</i> my Higher Power. She shouldn't even be <i>one of</i> my Higher Powers!<br />
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And she suggested I talk about it with people and decided whether I'd be able to continue to work with her or whether this might be a good time to find someone else.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>So. Anyone ever have anything similar happen? How do you deal with people pleasing? And how do you deal with it when it's directly related to your sponsor?</b></span>Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-1944414197892951172011-09-22T06:00:00.000-05:002011-09-22T08:43:36.781-05:00Lordy, Lordy, Charlie's Forty<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
And today I'm 40 years old. I'm grateful for many things... my (healthy) wife, my kids, my home and my job. I'm grateful for a God who loves me and who wants to be in relationship with me. I'm grateful that I have found a real relationship with that God through Jesus.<br />
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And I'm profoundly grateful that I can honestly say I'm happier and healthier at 40 than I was at 30. Recovery rocks.<br />
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Peace and blessings to all of you, my friends in OA and any other 12-Step fellowship. Thanks for your encouragement and support over the years.<br />
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Happy, happy birthday to me!Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-54348490659080585172011-09-21T22:52:00.001-05:002011-09-21T23:17:56.053-05:00Sadness and JoyMy name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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Strange mixture of sadness and joy tonight. I'm sad and discouraged because Georgia put Troy Davis to death. And I'm powerless to do anything about it. But I will continue to speak out against what I consider to be an unjust, inhumane, barbaric practice in this nation.<br />
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And I'm grateful and full of joy. My wife is just fine. And I was so fearful. We went in today, braced for bad news. Her doctor came in and told us that her CA-125 numbers were very low. He sent us for another ultrasound, which showed that her previously 6 cm cyst had shrunk to 1.5 cm. He said she absolutely does NOT have cancer and he cancelled her surgery.<br />
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Thank you, God.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-10765351707982643682011-09-17T23:48:00.000-05:002011-09-17T23:51:36.841-05:00Do Not Worry?My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I don't have much time to write tonight. I'm so tired, and I have to be up early for church tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is my twins' birthday, and we went to an amusement park all day today. I'm exhausted.<br />
<br />
But I just want to say that I'm frightened. Mrs. Charlie has been experiencing a lot of pain, and she has been to several doctors and had several tests. Finally an ultrasound showed a very large ovarian cyst. Her doctor used the term "worrisome" several times and talked about the likelihood of having to remove her entire ovary. He "penciled in" a date for surgery... in less than two weeks. He took a vial of blood and is running the CA-125 cancer screening test.<br />
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I know the screening is standard. I know. but he also was pretty clear that he was concerned and that he wanted to act quickly. And I'm scared. And so is she. And we won't know anything until Wednesday. And that's a long time.<br />
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Funny. The text for tomorrow's sermon is <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+6%3A25-34&version=NIV">Matthew 6:25-34</a>. Do not worry. Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... <br />
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If you're a praying person, would you please pray for her tonight? Thanks. I'll keep you posted. Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-86019254633537115522011-08-26T23:01:00.001-05:002011-08-26T23:03:05.863-05:00What Does Abstinence Mean To You?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYQH2tPYQ1eg5Jxz20sAUINm9ae5TuBj-SPRIwB_8JKYQpT_Dc56NVJ3Gbu48SWmpY4875moe6QWFASnk6gxauqvE7CwU5fobVOxD4ZVQroSzh8SCO5CMCiGXjWxsdO2UnXmBEQfM92h4/s1600/Happy-Meals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYQH2tPYQ1eg5Jxz20sAUINm9ae5TuBj-SPRIwB_8JKYQpT_Dc56NVJ3Gbu48SWmpY4875moe6QWFASnk6gxauqvE7CwU5fobVOxD4ZVQroSzh8SCO5CMCiGXjWxsdO2UnXmBEQfM92h4/s400/Happy-Meals.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
<br />
::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I am in the fascinating and challenging process of re-defining my abstinence.<br />
<br />
For the past year, my abstinence has been very clearly defined for me by the group with which I've been working the program, OA-HOW. I've written about that abstinence many times here on the blog, so I won't spell it out again tonight.<br />
<br />
Before I found OA-HOW, my abstinence definition was unbelievably wishy-washy. It changed from day to day. I changed it without telling anyone. There was never anything... <i>solid</i> about it, so I never knew if I was abstinent or not. It was all about doing well or not doing so well.<br />
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I remember deciding that my abstinence would be simply this: Three meals a day with nothing in between. Even three huge binges would be fine. Believe it or not, I couldn't do it. That was my bottom. So far. <br />
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I think that's why I was so grateful to finally <i>let go</i> and let someone else tell me what I needed to do to stay abstinent. And I did it. For over a year. And my life changed dramatically for the better.<br />
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But now it's time to change again. I'm taking control back... or rather, giving control to God in a different way. I'm trusting God to help me define my own abstinence rather than simply submitting to someone else's definition.<br />
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I know it's time to do this, but I can't deny that it's a little scary for me. My addict mind is already plotting and planning... How could I eat some cake? What about McDonald's? Oh, how I would love a big Mexican dinner with chips and salsa. I can't go back there. I just can't.<br />
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<b>What is your experience with/understanding of abstinence?</b> OA's definition simply states: "Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight." What's that mean for you? How's that working for you?<i></i> Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-71576216174208673432011-08-24T16:55:00.000-05:002011-08-24T16:55:50.814-05:00Without My Training Wheels<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPWKDxT9MJx60BXUjRxHol2RxNg3ZO6r-RKvnzopywy-3Hp5XqAPANN4VmVylRbazr7NBauA0EN5VCn46RC-03gEjKjP9-_BvzwyCI67qzo9hoYBLlwJbKCY8mdZhY5GqHcqiPeko-Th4/s1600/charlierides.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPWKDxT9MJx60BXUjRxHol2RxNg3ZO6r-RKvnzopywy-3Hp5XqAPANN4VmVylRbazr7NBauA0EN5VCn46RC-03gEjKjP9-_BvzwyCI67qzo9hoYBLlwJbKCY8mdZhY5GqHcqiPeko-Th4/s400/charlierides.jpg" width="268" /></a></div><br />
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I feel a lot like that boy today. Thrilled and terrified all at the same time.<br />
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But like that little boy, <i>I</i> have a loving Father too... Check out what I read in "For Today" this morning:<br />
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<i>Today, I open my mind to everything that could be - possibilities that are far from the idle wishing of the old days,</i> <b>but rather a loosening of restrictions</b><i>, a broadening of the imagination. I leave my life up to my Higher Power, remove my hindering ways and let my spirit soar. I seek to be more honest, more aware, to have closer relationships, a better ability to carry the message, more time to serve. </i><i>I have received, and now pass on to others, what was once impossible: the hope of spiritual awakening, of recovery from compulsive overeating. </i><i>For today: I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
So. I talked with my sponsor this morning about my plans to leave OA-HOW. I have to confess that I was terrified. I couldn't sleep last night. I got out of bed several times. I read and wrote in my journal. I prayed. I chatted online for a minute with my rabbi, <a href="http://rabanon.blogspot.com/">G. Rabanon</a>. (It's not every Evangelical pastor who has a rabbi friend on Facebook!)<br />
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Here's some of what I wrote in my journal late last night:<br />
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"I'm ready to be done with HOW, but I have no idea how to quit. I'm afraid to bring it up with [my sponsor], but I will have to in the morning. I can't keep these feelings and thoughts bottled up anymore. So why do I want to stop? Why now?<br />
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"I know I am a compulsive overeater. I want to continue working the steps I want to stay abstinent and use the tools of recovery. I am convinced that I do not have these things mandated to me by my program. WIrh every passing day I am less willing to abide by the requirements of the HOW format. I want to work with [my sponsor] on the steps, but I'm pretty sure she will no longer sponsor me at all. I am very concerned that she know how grateful I am...<br />
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"I want to see if I can do this. OA-HOW says I can't, but I don't believe it. Deep down, that's the bottom line, the problem I cannot seem to get around. I simply do not believe that this method of working OA is my only hope.<br />
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"I want to transition well. I want to remain abstinent. I do not want to binge; not even once."<br />
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I finally fell asleep around 12:30, and then this morning at 6:00 I talked with my sponsor. We did the normal routine... my food plan for the day and my writing assignment. Then we talked about the possibility of changing my call time for the semester. So that brought up the perfect opportunity to talk about this.<br />
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I was afraid. I was afraid that she would be hurt. I was afraid that she would be angry or worried or disappointed in me. That she might lecture or scold me. That she would somehow reject me and dump me on the spot. In reality, I had nothing to fear... and I think I knew that deep down all along. She was remarkably gracious. Cautious, yes, but gracious. Always. And she said that even if we don't work together as sponsor and sponsee, she and I could still be friends and walk in recovery together. I was really touched by that. We spoke words of encouragement and affirmation, and we left it open.<br />
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For now, she's sponsoring me (as long as I continue to work OA-HOW day-to-day) until I come up with some sort of transition plan. I'll need to find another sponsor and clearly define my new abstinence.<br />
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So for today, I'm OA-HOW abstinent. I have talked with four program friends today. I have followed my plan. I have used the tools. God, give me what I need today to be abstinent and to move forward... without my training wheels.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-9439376128498743082011-08-19T12:04:00.004-05:002011-08-19T12:11:23.279-05:00Body Image Redux: Fantasy vs. RealityMy name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
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I'm also at my "maintenance weight." But guess what? I don't look like Brad Pitt.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoC3i7sn5xJTXAQ1ckTXk6LUdQVLu5SwNVEwGb_mG6bKIO1fZxpaz5HTKy56mdtQc36p5N_lXXYZ987B6DKBns_W0ESVPJXpDlUjEen2d-FpmFZCXowMSOFbAhtoVbhDd7zL7PR7XgBZ4/s1600/brad-pitt-six-pack-abs.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoC3i7sn5xJTXAQ1ckTXk6LUdQVLu5SwNVEwGb_mG6bKIO1fZxpaz5HTKy56mdtQc36p5N_lXXYZ987B6DKBns_W0ESVPJXpDlUjEen2d-FpmFZCXowMSOFbAhtoVbhDd7zL7PR7XgBZ4/s320/brad-pitt-six-pack-abs.jpg" width="231" /></a> Huh.<br />
<br />
I've been pondering that this morning. I think somewhere in my subconscious mind, I was living with the fantasy that once I hit my "magic number," I would somehow look like a sex symbol. As if somehow shedding the excess weight would change the basic shape of my bones, the structure of my chest or the size of my muscles... or, for that matter, the amount of money I have in the bank, the amount of debt I carry, the amount of "success" I have in writing and performing music, or the happiness of my marriage and family.<br />
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I've lost 80 pounds in the last 18 months or so, and I have some excess jiggly flesh around my belly. It's very, very slowly going away, but I don't know if it ever will completely. Am I OK with that? I don't know. I guess for today I have to be. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO1kwB7xHU3TfzFe2cdQQKY-lTaJVS4yDX-S929QB8pQECFR_C2kpoptsVhGsfQuPxfk-jOnvinvruJKOoEli1_NEogllI9AHsgWDRwPPW_raUJAF4QxnoeiqmooLTSL8opbqhEU94wN4/s1600/Photo+on+2011-08-19+at+11.55.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO1kwB7xHU3TfzFe2cdQQKY-lTaJVS4yDX-S929QB8pQECFR_C2kpoptsVhGsfQuPxfk-jOnvinvruJKOoEli1_NEogllI9AHsgWDRwPPW_raUJAF4QxnoeiqmooLTSL8opbqhEU94wN4/s320/Photo+on+2011-08-19+at+11.55.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.<br />
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Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." - AA Big Book, p. 417Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-30995225917998266762011-08-18T17:25:00.002-05:002011-08-18T17:37:31.121-05:00Crossroads<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhezrjOcWOPcWa_5X1FBWnJa9RMQU2uQRoXiYPSRnpzrErqUUmF0hRR1dhNL1ILv9sItGVjOnIFCzU6pHIretzZQp5WvVkqxunRuvcBI-cPBHhf0i_AEFB7ugIZx5248VaC0qweFox2YAs/s1600/crossroads.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhezrjOcWOPcWa_5X1FBWnJa9RMQU2uQRoXiYPSRnpzrErqUUmF0hRR1dhNL1ILv9sItGVjOnIFCzU6pHIretzZQp5WvVkqxunRuvcBI-cPBHhf0i_AEFB7ugIZx5248VaC0qweFox2YAs/s1600/crossroads.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
<br />
::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
Now what?<br />
<br />
I mean, seriously? Do I do this the rest of my life? I've been thinking and praying and talking and writing about this for a few months now.<br />
<br />
For Today, I'm committed to abstinence according to the <a href="http://oahow.squarespace.com/">OA-HOW</a> concept. This means that today, as I have every day since August 10, 2010, I do the following things:<br />
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<ol><li>Do my step work, my reading/writing assignment.</li>
<li>Plan my three meals and one snack, following my food plan. Literally plan it out, down to the serving size and what <i>kinds</i> of protein, vegetables, etc. I will eat.</li>
<li>Call my sponsor at the pre-arranged time, read my writing to her and commit my food for the day.</li>
<li>Receive my sponsee's phone call, his food and his writing.</li>
<li>Talk to at least three other OAs on the phone. About recovery.</li>
<li>Eat my food according to plan and schedule. Weigh and measure my food. All of it. No exceptions. Even in restaurants. Even if I have to pack a cooler and take it with me.</li>
<li>If I have to make a food change for some reason... spoiled food, my kids eat something I had planned to eat... I have to get a sponsor on the phone and commit the change before I eat it.</li>
</ol><div>This is all very involved, but it's been do-able. I'd even say it's been life-changing. I've worked hard on the steps, I've learned how to live in a structured and disciplined way, I've lost 77 pounds and <i>kept it off</i> for a few months now. And I've been so, so grateful.<br />
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Until recently.<br />
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In the last few months, things have been "percolating" for me. Some questions and thoughts:<br />
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I wonder sometimes if OA-HOW can be compared to training wheels. It was right for a time in my life. I could not gotten abstinent without it. But now, I'm starting to think I can ride this bike without the training wheels.<br />
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If I decide to leave the HOW concept, I will not simply relapse. I will remain abstinent, one day at a time. I will get a sponsor, follow a food plan, use the tools, go to meetings, give service. I cannot do this alone.<br />
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I've met members who were HOW abstinent and then quit abruptly. It's not pretty. Most of them put most if not all of their weight back on, wallow in shame and avoid program. I don't want that for anyone, and I certainly don't want it for myself.<br />
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How much of this is my disease, and how much is God? How much is me?<br />
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Where are the OA-HOWers who have stayed abstinent after leaving HOW? Why can't I find any online?<br />
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These feelings and thoughts have been building up, and I have been doing my very best to surrender and simply make it each day, one day at a time. That doesn't seem to be working for me. I'm not getting over the hump. I'm believing more and more that I'm supposed to make this change.<br />
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I am miserable thinking about bringing this up with my sponsor. I appreciate and respect her so much, and I'm so grateful for all she's done for me. I wish I could keep doing step work with her, but I know her and her program well enough to believe that she will not work with me unless I'm doing the plan as she herself worked it.<br />
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I would make this change tomorrow if I weren't so afraid of people. My sponsor's reaction. My OA-HOW friends' reactions. My sponsee's reaction. I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Funny, one of my biggest character defects is people-pleasing. Huh. <br />
<br />
Here are some of the things I want:<br />
<ol><li>The freedom to drink alcohol within my food plan. I've never had a problem with alcohol, and I enjoy it sometimes.</li>
<li>The freedom to eat abstinent food in restaurants without weighing and measuring.</li>
<li>The freedom to go to bed without having to make three OA outreach calls every day. This has become a real struggle for me. I love talking to people. I need and want the support. I love to be of service and encourage and support others! But I don't want it to be mandated to me anymore. I don't want my abstinence riding on it. Honestly, there are days when I feel frenzied and hassled trying to "get in my calls." It is quickly becoming crazy-making rather than serenity-building.</li>
<li>The freedom to eat on-plan without having to commit each individual food item before I eat it. </li>
</ol>As I read this, it sure sounds like my mind is made up. What are your thoughts? Help me distinguish between my addict and my true self working in conscious contact with God. </div>Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-24251197730345267282011-08-10T07:50:00.000-05:002011-08-10T07:50:32.013-05:00Wowza.My name's Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
Today's my OA birthday. I've been abstinent for a year. I'm grateful. So, for today anyway, I'll keep this up.<br />
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Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me and helped me along the way.<br />
<br />
To life and recovery!Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-33933928729612859672011-07-08T15:06:00.001-05:002011-07-08T15:06:26.603-05:00Coffee With An Old Friend<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYVsKakLiCKRGg822Z5QsN9JciKXcBaUfh_gxq-a-EYA1v3usCxJla7MM8iGJd6jsUDPP0IKfF9UR2RN0egHmeIZtQb2cJ3Z_aCwSqhjEvcKqSAFaXp6CzOKX9N__y2vfR-53J9XikKWQ/s1600/bucks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYVsKakLiCKRGg822Z5QsN9JciKXcBaUfh_gxq-a-EYA1v3usCxJla7MM8iGJd6jsUDPP0IKfF9UR2RN0egHmeIZtQb2cJ3Z_aCwSqhjEvcKqSAFaXp6CzOKX9N__y2vfR-53J9XikKWQ/s320/bucks.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
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My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
I used to be a fairly regular blogger, too. I used to be on Twitter all the time. And I loved it, I really did. And now I just can't seem to summon the will to write anything. I think, sometimes, that it comes down to perfectionism. I want my words to be so perfect... And I want this blog to be a perfect, detailed record of my life in recovery. And the more time that goes by, the more I feel completely unable to write about all that's happened since the last time I blogged.<br />
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So. I'm releasing myself from that unrealistic expectation. I won't be writing about the last several months. I guess it's enough to say that a lot's happened. Some great stuff and some not-so-great stuff. And I reacted to all of it in various ways, good and bad. And here I am.<br />
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I'm sitting in a Starbucks store in Tulsa. My kids are at the movies, and Mrs. Charlie is at work. It's been over 100 degrees every day this week. Damn it's hot. I had an iced venti decaf sugar-free vanilla Americano. And here we are, you and me. My laptop is here in my lap as I relax on a big, comfy chair... How nice. It's like coffee with an old friend.<br />
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The good news is that I'm abstinent. I'm still OA-HOW abstinent, after all these months! One day at a time, I've made my calls, done my assignments, weighed and measured my food, abstained from sugar, guided my sponsee, worked with my sponsor... I'm grateful.<br />
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333 days today. Wow. Sunday will be - if I stay abstinent between now and then - eleven months.<br />
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I hit my "maintenance weight" this last month. 163 pounds. It's a miracle.<br />
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And sometimes - more often these days that I want to admit - I think I'm cured. I forget how miserable I was, how hopelessly out of control. I want to eat more "normally" again. I want to have a beer, dammit! I want to have a milkshake or a bowl of spaghetti! Enough of the cottage cheese and pineapple, right?<br />
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But for today, I'm doing this. I'm doing this with all of you, and I'm grateful for the recovery I've found. The recovery I'm finding. Because it's not just about the weight. It's about the peace of mind. I'm not on the scale every five minutes anymore. I'm not diving into sugary cereals at midnight. I'm not fasting one day and binging the next. And more importantly, I'm able to see myself so much more clearly these days... I'm exposing my character defects to the light and surrendering them to God, who is removing them! Another miracle. I'm making amends for the ways in which I have harmed others. My family is becoming more important to me, and I'm learning to value them with my actions and not just my emotions and words.<br />
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</div>So gosh! I've been talking so much about myself... How have *you* been?Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5808767913621890148.post-71047759592029579892011-06-09T23:53:00.000-05:002011-06-09T23:53:09.020-05:00Needs vs. Wants, Sleep vs. FoodMy name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.<br />
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::Hi, Charlie!::<br />
<br />
What I need is sleep. What I want is food. I think this photo sums it up:<br />
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The good news is that I'm still abstinent. Tomorrow will be ten months of freedom from compulsive overeating. Thank You, God.<br />
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Now, good night.Charlie O. Edinburghhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14743399304828375276noreply@blogger.com7