Diary of a Mad Overeater 2.0

What Now?

2012-01-23T00:45:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Even now, after sitting here in the kitchen and eating and eating and eating. Even now, I am in denial. I don't have a problem. I just need to be more careful. I just need to do better. Maybe I should start a new diet tomorrow. Maybe I could count calories or do Weight Watchers.

God, help me. I'm getting up early tomorrow. I have to start doing the things I did when I was abstinent before. That's how it worked for me, right? Why so stubborn?

Meetings

2012-01-13T18:15:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I am so grateful for meetings. I finally got my ass back to a meeting yesterday. I was warmly greeted by two good OA friends and one newcomer. I forget how desperately I need the tools of this program. Why do I keep forgetting?

I'm a compulsive overeater. I need a program of recovery. I need to use the tools. I need meetings.

I'm heading out to another meeting in a little bit. This one is a Christian recovery program based on the 12 Steps and also incorporating Christian teaching, mostly based around Jesus's Sermon on the Mount. It's called "Celebrate Recovery." I went last Friday night and really enjoyed it. Tonight I'll get into a small group. I'm excited because they have one specifically for pastors. I need that.

One of the interesting things they do is use the entire serenity prayer, as written in the 50s by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.

OA Charlie Eats

2012-01-12T20:11:00.002-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a newly-abstinent compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

If you're so inclined, come visit my newest blog, OA Charlie Eats. Warning: It's all about food. Specifically, my plan and my daily intake. Please don't visit if it's triggering to you.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-22T08:42:00.000-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Three days till Christmas, and I'm caught up in the annual chaos. But I'm alive and I'm abstinent. This has been a rough patch, but I'm alive and I'm abstinent. Christ has come. Emmanuel means "God with us." I'm so grateful for the incarnation. God enfleshed. Miracle and mystery. Salvation.

I'm alive and I'm abstinent. Someday - after all the Christmas services I have to plan and lead, after my trip to visit family in Indiana - I'll post again.

Coming Home

2011-12-11T14:09:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I surrender. Again. I give up. I have to admit that I can't do this on my own. I am whipped. I am beat. I am hopeless and helpless without my Higher Power.

Since leaving HOW, I've had to experience again the insanity of my disease. I've had to go back to the sneaking food and the crazy thinking and the denials and the daily weigh-ins. I've obsessed over food and said I'd "start again tomorrow." I've gained at least 10 pounds. I've hated myself. I've given up the tools of the program, saying I really didn't need them, that I could just try a little harder, have a little more self-control.

The problem is, I don't have any self-control. I just don't. I have to surrender to the control of God. I have to give my life and my will to God's care. I'm so grateful I didn't have to gain 80 pounds back before I came home. I'm so glad I didn't have to eat myself to death. Because I could.

Thanks to all of you who have commented here and even emailed me. I'll get around to responding. I promise.

I'm back. Thanks for your love and support. I know you welcome me back with open arms. Because OA is home for me. It's home.

::sigh::

2011-12-04T23:10:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I guess I really *am* a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I don't want to be a compulsive overeater. I want to be done with this. I want to be normal. I want to be fixed. I want to be healed. I don't want to use the damn tools.

I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to eat compulsively. I don't want to relapse. I don't want to fail.

I want to be free. I don't want to weigh and measure and call and write and read.

I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to eat anything I want to eat anytime I want to eat it... without gaining weight. Without getting compulsive again.

I. I. I. I.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

"What you deserve is to not feel shitty."

2011-11-03T22:00:00.002-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Where to begin?

Look to your right. See the little abstinence counter? That's right. I'm starting over. Again. Since choosing to re-define my abstinence a few months ago, I've been really struggling. Just like they said I would. I hate proving them right. I hate it. I've heard so many horror stories about people who leave OA-HOW and get right back into the insanity of compusive overeating. They gain tons of weight, often more than they lost in the first place. And they either get sicker and sicker until they finally die, or they come crawling back to OA-HOW, miserable, and climb back on the willingness wagon.

I swore I would not be one of those people. And I'm not. Not yet. But I did slip. I did relapse. Damn it.

I found a sponsor in "regular" OA, and I began to work a much less structured program. This opened the door for me to eat "moderately." I eventually had an ice cream cone. Then a breakfast sandwich from McDonald's. I had pizza and dessert at a men's event at church. I stopped weighing and measuring. I started eating compulsively sometimes... quietly, secretly.

I was still running a lot. I was healthy. I was skinny. I was fine.

Right.

I got real a couple weeks ago. I saw the handwriting on the wall, thank God, and I began to pray for help. I got in touch with a program friend who has what I want, and he agreed to be my sponsor. But even then, I was not very willing... Halloween came a few days ago, and I told myself I'd have "just one" Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. One turned into ten, then twenty, just like that. Damn. I felt crappy. I "washed it down" with two hunks of bread. At 10:00pm.

Even after talking to my sponsor about it and re-setting my abstinence, I overate at lunch the next day... compulsively tearing though two big plates of food at an Indian buffet. I got scared. Abstinence reset again. That night I was online and I ended up chatting with my good friend G. Rabanon. She helped me remember some really important things... I'm just gonna copy some of the conversation verbatim, because it was so good...

Me: That's what started it last night. a frickin' peanut butter cup

G.: Understood. Those things are deadly.

Me: 20 little candy bars later, i feel pretty shitty

G.: *nod*

Me: i'm still pretty skinny! that's the thing my addict points to to justify my compulsivity

G.: Oh Charlie, you know it's not about how skinny you are. and yeah, that's what it tells us. Always, it tells us that we've been so good, or we're skinny enough, or that we deserve it... What you deserve is to not feel shitty.

Me: oh g. that is fucking true. thank you. god DAMN it.

That sentence killed me. It's exactly what I needed to hear. What I deserve, what we all deserve... is to not feel shitty. And that is what God offers us, every one of us... freedom from that awful feeling - which I can have whether I'm running 9 miles or sitting on my ass, whether I'm skinny or fat.

And so here I am again. I'm abstinent. I'm so grateful. And I'm still very cautious. I'm still very aware that I'm one bite away from a slip, from relapse. I am so compulsive, so sick. Even after all this recovery, I can so easily spiral into pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

Thank you, God. Thank you, G. Here we go. I'll go to bed abstinent tonight. How 'bout you?

Like the Wind

2011-10-07T09:11:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I felt so much yesterday.

I stopped at a Ticketmaster outlet on my way in to work. I was (finally) going to buy tickets to a concert I've been excited about for months. I had saved my pennies, and I was going to take Mrs. Charlie and our two teenaged sons. AND they were sold out.

I checked my email at work, and there was a sweet, concerned email from my mom. Complete with photos. She was worried about me. I'm "too thin" and I "look sick." Now she had thought this before, but this particular email was prompted by "so many people" who were talking to her about me, expressing their concern. I hate that.

My pastor called me in to his office a little later. We are going through a massive change in the way we worship on Sunday mornings. It's been in the works for a long, long time, but we just announced it on Sunday. Now we're dealing with the reactions of those who are happy, mad and every emotion in between. And I think my pastor is finally realizing that there's a lot of actual work to be done! He wants plans, he wants timelines, he wants assurances. He wants it on his desk Tuesday. And I'm overwhelmed.

I had a headache and felt a little barfy all morning.

I got a call from an OA-HOW friend that I used to talk to quite a bit. She was checking in, because she knew I had been considering leaving the structured way we work the program in HOW. So I told her how I was and how it was going, and she was friendly and supportive, but it was obvious to me that she disapproves. I honestly appreciate HOW people (I was one for a year!), and I want to stay in touch with them. I admire their recovery in so many ways, and I am committed to using the tools... of which one is the telephone! But sometimes I sense an unspoken accusation that I am somehow willfully taking an "easier, softer way," and that I'll be back in HOW eventually or else I'll descend into "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." That may be true. I'm a compulsive overeater, and I always will be. And I know that what people think (or what I think they think) is none of my business. So, yeah...

When I talked to my temporary sponsor later in the afternoon, I realized that all of these experiences and feelings are a lot for one day. It's OK for me to feel overwhelmed. And then I was reminded that all of this was happening on the first day without my sponsor. Wow. No wonder I was feeling especially vulnerable. In addition to all the things I was dealing with, I was grieving too. I was feeling, at least on a subconscious level, the loss of my daily check-in with my sponsor. That structure, that order and that accountability is no longer a regular part of my life, and it's a big change. For nearly 14 months, I have talked with her almost every day for 10-15 minutes. That's approximately 4,200 minutes. That's 70 solid hours on the phone with this woman. That's a significant relationship, and I'll miss it in many ways.

And then there are the good feelings I experienced. I got through my first day without my sponsor... I lived through the feelings, and I didn't overeat. I didn't binge. I didn't stray from my food plan, not even a bit. I found that I didn't have to commit each individual piece of my meals. I chose what to eat from meal to meal, and I chose wisely. God gave me the strength and the willingness to stay abstinent for one more day.

I called my parents and had a good discussion with them, encouraging them and assuring them of my health and wellness - while at the same time expressing my feelings about their inappropriate talking behind my back and lack of trust in me... and setting some boundaries for the future. I think we left it in a good place. They're going to let go of their fears and trust that I am being careful, deliberate, medically supervised and healthy. And when people ask them about me and express concern, they are going to defend me instead of getting all worked up and fretting about it.

And last night as I set out on my latest 5-mile run, I felt so strong and confident. I ran faster than I should at first, just because I could. I had this big stupid smile on my face, and I thanked God for my body, my new life, the amazing music playing on my iPod, the community of friends I've found in OA, the amazing cool weather, my beautiful wife and kids, my temporary sponsor, a program that is bigger than any one person or sponsor...

And the ability to run like the wind.

Still A Compulsive Overeater

2011-10-06T01:06:00.002-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm still a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I can run 6.3 miles.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I'm maintaining a 75-80 pound weight loss.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I haven't had sugar or refined white flour in 423 days.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though everybody things I'm skinny.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I don't weigh and measure in restaurants anymore.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I do step work every day and use the tools of recovery.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though my sponsor and I - as of this morning - are no longer working together.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I have taken my recovery into my own hands, trusting God to guide me rather than surrendering to a particular method of working the program.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I am going to bed tonight without planning specific food to eat tomorrow. For the first time since August 10, 2010.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I am not "all better." I can't just "eat normally."

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I need recovery today more than I ever have needed it. Just like every new day.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I need you more than I have ever needed you.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I'm grateful I don't have to face it alone.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. And I'm so grateful for Overeaters Anonymous.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. So for today I'll stay abstinent. Today is all I have.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I can't forget that.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Don't let me forget that.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. And I always will be.

My Sponsor Is NOT My Higher Power (Neither Are Kanye or Jay-Z)

2011-10-02T16:27:00.003-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Question: Has anyone ever put his or her sponsor on a pedestal and, in effect, turned him or her into a Higher Power? I was talking with my sponsor a few mornings ago and realized that is exactly what I've been doing. I am a huge people pleaser, and I have to face the reality that one of the people I want most to please is my sponsor. Like, in a kind of unhealthy way.

Now that I've started working on the 11th Step, I do a daily 10th Step and read it to my sponsor. On the first day I did that, I had to answer the following question: Have I kept something to myself that should be discussed with another person at once? Well, I immediately knew the answer to that question. I had not yet talked with my sponsor about Mrs. Charlie's and my upcoming trip to Cancun. Early on, when I first mentioned it to her, she had kind of a negative reaction to it, and I remember being defensive and angry about that. Since then, I have totally decided to go and made plans to go. We're leaving in about 5 weeks! And I kept meaning to tell her, but the closer it got, the more foolish I felt, and so I put it off until I read that question.

So on Friday, I took a deep breath and told her. And you know what? It's not really a bit deal. What is a big deal is the way I've been treating her. And it's not just regarding this trip. It's really about my whole program. Even though she's been so clear with me, I have continued to make this abstinence about pleasing her on some level. And that's a problem. She is not my Higher Power. She shouldn't even be one of my Higher Powers!

And she suggested I talk about it with people and decided whether I'd be able to continue to work with her or whether this might be a good time to find someone else.

So. Anyone ever have anything similar happen? How do you deal with people pleasing? And how do you deal with it when it's directly related to your sponsor?

Lordy, Lordy, Charlie's Forty

2011-09-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

And today I'm 40 years old. I'm grateful for many things... my (healthy) wife, my kids, my home and my job. I'm grateful for a God who loves me and who wants to be in relationship with me. I'm grateful that I have found a real relationship with that God through Jesus.

And I'm profoundly grateful that I can honestly say I'm happier and healthier at 40 than I was at 30. Recovery rocks.

Peace and blessings to all of you, my friends in OA and any other 12-Step fellowship. Thanks for your encouragement and support over the years.

Happy, happy birthday to me!

Sadness and Joy

2011-09-21T22:52:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Strange mixture of sadness and joy tonight. I'm sad and discouraged because Georgia put Troy Davis to death. And I'm powerless to do anything about it. But I will continue to speak out against what I consider to be an unjust, inhumane, barbaric practice in this nation.

And I'm grateful and full of joy. My wife is just fine. And I was so fearful. We went in today, braced for bad news. Her doctor came in and told us that her CA-125 numbers were very low. He sent us for another ultrasound, which showed that her previously 6 cm cyst had shrunk to 1.5 cm. He said she absolutely does NOT have cancer and he cancelled her surgery.

Thank you, God.

Do Not Worry?

2011-09-17T23:48:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I don't have much time to write tonight. I'm so tired, and I have to be up early for church tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is my twins' birthday, and we went to an amusement park all day today. I'm exhausted.

But I just want to say that I'm frightened. Mrs. Charlie has been experiencing a lot of pain, and she has been to several doctors and had several tests. Finally an ultrasound showed a very large ovarian cyst. Her doctor used the term "worrisome" several times and talked about the likelihood of having to remove her entire ovary. He "penciled in" a date for surgery... in less than two weeks. He took a vial of blood and is running the CA-125 cancer screening test.

I know the screening is standard. I know. but he also was pretty clear that he was concerned and that he wanted to act quickly. And I'm scared. And so is she. And we won't know anything until Wednesday. And that's a long time.

Funny. The text for tomorrow's sermon is Matthew 6:25-34. Do not worry. Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

If you're a praying person, would you please pray for her tonight? Thanks. I'll keep you posted.

What Does Abstinence Mean To You?

2011-08-26T23:01:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I am in the fascinating and challenging process of re-defining my abstinence.

For the past year, my abstinence has been very clearly defined for me by the group with which I've been working the program, OA-HOW. I've written about that abstinence many times here on the blog, so I won't spell it out again tonight.

Before I found OA-HOW, my abstinence definition was unbelievably wishy-washy. It changed from day to day. I changed it without telling anyone. There was never anything... solid about it, so I never knew if I was abstinent or not. It was all about doing well or not doing so well.

I remember deciding that my abstinence would be simply this: Three meals a day with nothing in between. Even three huge binges would be fine. Believe it or not, I couldn't do it. That was my bottom. So far.

I think that's why I was so grateful to finally let go and let someone else tell me what I needed to do to stay abstinent. And I did it. For over a year. And my life changed dramatically for the better.

But now it's time to change again. I'm taking control back... or rather, giving control to God in a different way. I'm trusting God to help me define my own abstinence rather than simply submitting to someone else's definition.

I know it's time to do this, but I can't deny that it's a little scary for me. My addict mind is already plotting and planning... How could I eat some cake? What about McDonald's? Oh, how I would love a big Mexican dinner with chips and salsa. I can't go back there. I just can't.

What is your experience with/understanding of abstinence? OA's definition simply states: "Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight." What's that mean for you? How's that working for you?

Without My Training Wheels

2011-08-24T16:55:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I feel a lot like that boy today. Thrilled and terrified all at the same time.

But like that little boy, I have a loving Father too... Check out what I read in "For Today" this morning:

Today, I open my mind to everything that could be - possibilities that are far from the idle wishing of the old days, but rather a loosening of restrictions, a broadening of the imagination. I leave my life up to my Higher Power, remove my hindering ways and let my spirit soar. I seek to be more honest, more aware, to have closer relationships, a better ability to carry the message, more time to serve. I have received, and now pass on to others, what was once impossible: the hope of spiritual awakening, of recovery from compulsive overeating. For today: I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless.

So. I talked with my sponsor this morning about my plans to leave OA-HOW. I have to confess that I was terrified. I couldn't sleep last night. I got out of bed several times. I read and wrote in my journal. I prayed. I chatted online for a minute with my rabbi, G. Rabanon. (It's not every Evangelical pastor who has a rabbi friend on Facebook!)

Here's some of what I wrote in my journal late last night:

"I'm ready to be done with HOW, but I have no idea how to quit. I'm afraid to bring it up with [my sponsor], but I will have to in the morning. I can't keep these feelings and thoughts bottled up anymore. So why do I want to stop? Why now?

"I know I am a compulsive overeater. I want to continue working the steps I want to stay abstinent and use the tools of recovery. I am convinced that I do not have these things mandated to me by my program. WIrh every passing day I am less willing to abide by the requirements of the HOW format. I want to work with [my sponsor] on the steps, but I'm pretty sure she will no longer sponsor me at all. I am very concerned that she know how grateful I am...

"I want to see if I can do this. OA-HOW says I can't, but I don't believe it. Deep down, that's the bottom line, the problem I cannot seem to get around. I simply do not believe that this method of working OA is my only hope.

"I want to transition well. I want to remain abstinent. I do not want to binge; not even once."

I finally fell asleep around 12:30, and then this morning at 6:00 I talked with my sponsor. We did the normal routine... my food plan for the day and my writing assignment. Then we talked about the possibility of changing my call time for the semester. So that brought up the perfect opportunity to talk about this.

I was afraid. I was afraid that she would be hurt. I was afraid that she would be angry or worried or disappointed in me. That she might lecture or scold me. That she would somehow reject me and dump me on the spot. In reality, I had nothing to fear... and I think I knew that deep down all along. She was remarkably gracious. Cautious, yes, but gracious. Always. And she said that even if we don't work together as sponsor and sponsee, she and I could still be friends and walk in recovery together. I was really touched by that. We spoke words of encouragement and affirmation, and we left it open.

For now, she's sponsoring me (as long as I continue to work OA-HOW day-to-day) until I come up with some sort of transition plan. I'll need to find another sponsor and clearly define my new abstinence.

So for today, I'm OA-HOW abstinent. I have talked with four program friends today. I have followed my plan. I have used the tools. God, give me what I need today to be abstinent and to move forward... without my training wheels.

Body Image Redux: Fantasy vs. Reality

2011-08-19T12:04:00.004-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm also at my "maintenance weight." But guess what? I don't look like Brad Pitt.

Huh.

I've been pondering that this morning. I think somewhere in my subconscious mind, I was living with the fantasy that once I hit my "magic number," I would somehow look like a sex symbol. As if somehow shedding the excess weight would change the basic shape of my bones, the structure of my chest or the size of my muscles... or, for that matter, the amount of money I have in the bank, the amount of debt I carry, the amount of "success" I have in writing and performing music, or the happiness of my marriage and family.

I've lost 80 pounds in the last 18 months or so, and I have some excess jiggly flesh around my belly. It's very, very slowly going away, but I don't know if it ever will completely. Am I OK with that? I don't know. I guess for today I have to be.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." - AA Big Book, p. 417

Crossroads

2011-08-18T17:25:00.002-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Now what?

I mean, seriously? Do I do this the rest of my life? I've been thinking and praying and talking and writing about this for a few months now.

For Today, I'm committed to abstinence according to the OA-HOW concept. This means that today, as I have every day since August 10, 2010, I do the following things:

Do my step work, my reading/writing assignment.
Plan my three meals and one snack, following my food plan. Literally plan it out, down to the serving size and what kinds of protein, vegetables, etc. I will eat.
Call my sponsor at the pre-arranged time, read my writing to her and commit my food for the day.
Receive my sponsee's phone call, his food and his writing.
Talk to at least three other OAs on the phone. About recovery.
Eat my food according to plan and schedule. Weigh and measure my food. All of it. No exceptions. Even in restaurants. Even if I have to pack a cooler and take it with me.
If I have to make a food change for some reason... spoiled food, my kids eat something I had planned to eat... I have to get a sponsor on the phone and commit the change before I eat it.

This is all very involved, but it's been do-able. I'd even say it's been life-changing. I've worked hard on the steps, I've learned how to live in a structured and disciplined way, I've lost 77 pounds and kept it off for a few months now. And I've been so, so grateful.

Until recently.

In the last few months, things have been "percolating" for me. Some questions and thoughts:

I wonder sometimes if OA-HOW can be compared to training wheels. It was right for a time in my life. I could not gotten abstinent without it. But now, I'm starting to think I can ride this bike without the training wheels.

If I decide to leave the HOW concept, I will not simply relapse. I will remain abstinent, one day at a time. I will get a sponsor, follow a food plan, use the tools, go to meetings, give service. I cannot do this alone.

I've met members who were HOW abstinent and then quit abruptly. It's not pretty. Most of them put most if not all of their weight back on, wallow in shame and avoid program. I don't want that for anyone, and I certainly don't want it for myself.

How much of this is my disease, and how much is God? How much is me?

Where are the OA-HOWers who have stayed abstinent after leaving HOW? Why can't I find any online?

These feelings and thoughts have been building up, and I have been doing my very best to surrender and simply make it each day, one day at a time. That doesn't seem to be working for me. I'm not getting over the hump. I'm believing more and more that I'm supposed to make this change.

I am miserable thinking about bringing this up with my sponsor. I appreciate and respect her so much, and I'm so grateful for all she's done for me. I wish I could keep doing step work with her, but I know her and her program well enough to believe that she will not work with me unless I'm doing the plan as she herself worked it.

I would make this change tomorrow if I weren't so afraid of people. My sponsor's reaction. My OA-HOW friends' reactions. My sponsee's reaction. I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Funny, one of my biggest character defects is people-pleasing. Huh.

Here are some of the things I want:

The freedom to drink alcohol within my food plan. I've never had a problem with alcohol, and I enjoy it sometimes.
The freedom to eat abstinent food in restaurants without weighing and measuring.
The freedom to go to bed without having to make three OA outreach calls every day. This has become a real struggle for me. I love talking to people. I need and want the support. I love to be of service and encourage and support others! But I don't want it to be mandated to me anymore. I don't want my abstinence riding on it. Honestly, there are days when I feel frenzied and hassled trying to "get in my calls." It is quickly becoming crazy-making rather than serenity-building.
The freedom to eat on-plan without having to commit each individual food item before I eat it.

As I read this, it sure sounds like my mind is made up. What are your thoughts? Help me distinguish between my addict and my true self working in conscious contact with God.

Wowza.

2011-08-10T07:50:00.000-05:00

My name's Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Today's my OA birthday. I've been abstinent for a year. I'm grateful. So, for today anyway, I'll keep this up.

Thanks to all of you who have encouraged me and helped me along the way.

To life and recovery!

Coffee With An Old Friend

2011-07-08T15:06:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I used to be a fairly regular blogger, too. I used to be on Twitter all the time. And I loved it, I really did. And now I just can't seem to summon the will to write anything. I think, sometimes, that it comes down to perfectionism. I want my words to be so perfect... And I want this blog to be a perfect, detailed record of my life in recovery. And the more time that goes by, the more I feel completely unable to write about all that's happened since the last time I blogged.

So. I'm releasing myself from that unrealistic expectation. I won't be writing about the last several months. I guess it's enough to say that a lot's happened. Some great stuff and some not-so-great stuff. And I reacted to all of it in various ways, good and bad. And here I am.

I'm sitting in a Starbucks store in Tulsa. My kids are at the movies, and Mrs. Charlie is at work. It's been over 100 degrees every day this week. Damn it's hot. I had an iced venti decaf sugar-free vanilla Americano. And here we are, you and me. My laptop is here in my lap as I relax on a big, comfy chair... How nice. It's like coffee with an old friend.

The good news is that I'm abstinent. I'm still OA-HOW abstinent, after all these months! One day at a time, I've made my calls, done my assignments, weighed and measured my food, abstained from sugar, guided my sponsee, worked with my sponsor... I'm grateful.

333 days today. Wow. Sunday will be - if I stay abstinent between now and then - eleven months.

I hit my "maintenance weight" this last month. 163 pounds. It's a miracle.

And sometimes - more often these days that I want to admit - I think I'm cured. I forget how miserable I was, how hopelessly out of control. I want to eat more "normally" again. I want to have a beer, dammit! I want to have a milkshake or a bowl of spaghetti! Enough of the cottage cheese and pineapple, right?

But for today, I'm doing this. I'm doing this with all of you, and I'm grateful for the recovery I've found. The recovery I'm finding. Because it's not just about the weight. It's about the peace of mind. I'm not on the scale every five minutes anymore. I'm not diving into sugary cereals at midnight. I'm not fasting one day and binging the next. And more importantly, I'm able to see myself so much more clearly these days... I'm exposing my character defects to the light and surrendering them to God, who is removing them! Another miracle. I'm making amends for the ways in which I have harmed others. My family is becoming more important to me, and I'm learning to value them with my actions and not just my emotions and words.

So gosh! I've been talking so much about myself... How have *you* been?

Needs vs. Wants, Sleep vs. Food

2011-06-09T23:53:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

What I need is sleep. What I want is food. I think this photo sums it up:

The good news is that I'm still abstinent. Tomorrow will be ten months of freedom from compulsive overeating. Thank You, God.

Now, good night.

Answers

2011-05-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

When I last posted here, I was looking for answers. I wanted to know "Why?" Why the hell I had to keep living in the straightjacket of OA-HOW. Why I had to keep calling in my food. Why I had to make three phone calls every single day. Why I had to call a sponsor just to make a simple food change.

I got some great responses here on the blog. (Thank you!) I talked about it on my hook-up calls. I talked to my sponsor about it. I talked to Mrs. Charlie about it. I talked to God about it. And I have come to some realizations.

First of all, I don't have to do this. I choose to do it. For today. This is like Basic Recovery 101. No one is making me do this.

Second, I may not do this the rest of my life. Some members end up leaving OA-HOW. They move into a less structured version or OA and do just fine. There is a woman in my local OA group who did just that, and she's been abstinent for 30 years. Of course, some people "leave OA-HOW" (read: relapse) and their lives dissolve once again into misery. As the AA Big Book says on p. 30, "All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization." So if I ever do choose to make that change to my program, it will not be without much thought and prayer, and much input from my sponsor and my fellows in the program.

Third, God has answered my "Why?" question in many ways lately:

A member called me out of the blue last week, needing a lot of support and encouragement after he relapsed - big time - and was out of the program for months. I don't ever want to go through what he's been going through.
My sponsee "stepped up" and became a sponsor himself about a week ago! We did the ceremony over the phone, and it was really cool. (Remember my "Step Up"?) And on Monday he let me know that he's lost 34 pounds so far since working this program with me. I'm so grateful I can be of service to him.
Last Saturday's accomplishment... I completed a 5K race! In under 30 minutes! My friends, this is a miracle of recovery. This idea never even entered my head until recovery. I am so grateful.

And to go along with that last bullet point, the FIRST EVER PHOTOGRAPH of Charlie O. Edinburgh to appear on this blog, safely "anonymized" for our 11th Tradition protection.

And check this out...

I actually went running again on Monday! It wasn't just a "I'm going to do this one thing and be done with it" kind of thing like I used to do all the time. No, I'm excited about running as a lifestyle, as a fitness program. I'm already planning to start training for a 10K next week! A miracle.

Thank you, my friends, for reading... Thank you for your encouragement and support over the years. And thanks be to God, who has brought me from death to life in so many ways. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the followers of Jesus in Rome, wrote: "Offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to God as an instrument of righteousness." I'll close with the 3rd Step Prayer:

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.

Remind Me Again Why I Do This

2011-05-09T12:35:00.002-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I am so sick of this! Normally I am relentlessly upbeat: This is the *best* program! I feel *so* great! Everything is *wonderful*! So allow me a little wallowing.

I'm not sick of abstinence. I am forever grateful for abstinence. This OA-HOW program has brought me hope and healing. It's brought me relief from years of compulsive overeating. As I have followed this program, I have released nearly 75 pounds from my top weight. My life has become more free and more disciplined at the same time. I just officially entered a 5K for the first time in my life. These are miracles, my friends.

My question is this: Can I recover... Can I continue to recover without the rigidity and structure of OA-HOW? Do I need to keep weighing and measuring - even in restaurants? Do I need to avoid alcohol? Do I need to call 3 people every day?

It's getting old. And I'm starting to feel like I'm in a cult or something.

I think I need to talk to my sponsor about these feelings. Tomorrow will be nine months abstinence in OA-HOW. But today I'm not sure I'll get there.

OK, that was not true. I will be abstinent today. Tomorrow too. I guess I'm just future-tripping. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. I don't want to have to call in my food to a sponsor when I'm 45 years old and 55 years old. I don't want to have to interrupt dinner with friends to rush into a bathroom, frantically calling OA-HOW sponsors to try to make a food change. I don't want to keep inconveniencing others with my strange behavior around food.

I know this is supposed to free us from food obsession. Why, then, do I feel MORE obsessed with food? I think it all got stirred up this last weekend in California. The planning, the phone calls, the packing, the conversations with my friends and hosts about what I needed - a specific restaurant, a trip to the grocery store, reading the labels on the cottage, borrowing a little cooler and icepack.

I know some who learned a lot in OA-HOW, and now they are in OA, still abstinent, eating three moderate meals a day. Did I mention still abstinent?

Another thing that stirred it up further... Friends have invited my wife and me to vacation with them in Cancun. I don't know if it will work out, but I am so excited about the possibility. Mrs. C. and I have never been out of the country together... not vacationing like that. It would be at a resort, with a swim-up bar, all the luxuries associated with a vacation like that. Dragging my scale around, trying to figure out how to make hook-up calls, reading and writing assignments, planning my food in advance... It just freaks me out.

So I know what the program says to do: Talk about it on my hook-up calls, talk to my sponsor about it, pray about it, surrender it to God. And keep using the tools. Every day, all the tools.

OK, I surrender. Feedback?

Blessed and Happy

2011-05-05T13:07:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've written recently about some of the big blessings in my life... Financial blessings and physical blessings... Today I want to write about relational blessings.

First of all, I want to express my gratitude to God for my wife. I wish you could know her. She's hilarious. And fiercely loyal and protective of those she loves. She is smart and committed and creative and innovative. She's a tireless worker. She's honestly the force behind all of "my" good ideas. I keep telling people that all my best ideas are really hers. And everyone laughs and thinks I'm just being kind or something. But no, I actually mean it. She should be the worship pastor here, not me. Oh, and she's an amazing mom... We have three boys, and she's the best "boy mom" I know... out there kicking the soccer ball around, laughing and messing around with our teenage boys, getting into the same "extreme sports" stuff they are into... And then with our daughter, she's a great "girl mom" too... She can relate to our little E. with such sweetness, cuz she's been there! I love seeing the two of them together, off on their "girly nights," or working on gymnastics, both of them so graceful...

Here on the blog, I've referred to my wife as "Mrs. Charlie" - intending it to come across as affectionate... but I realize it could come off as dismissive or maybe even as sexist! The reality is, she doesn't derive her identity from me. She's not just "Mrs. Charlie." No, she's herself, through and through. I am the lucky beneficiary of her love and commitment. For nearly twenty years, I've had the privilege of knowing and loving this woman, and I look forward to the next twenty, and the twenty after that.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mrs. Charlie today! I'm so glad God made you, and I'm so profoundly grateful that somehow God put the two of us together.

I want to celebrate another relationship today. In the spring of 2000 I met the man who has become, over the years, my very best friend. T. has walked with me through the greatest joys and challenges of my life. He knows me through and through, the good and the really ugly. We worked together at the same church in California for many years; I had the privilege of standing up for him in his wedding; we have spent hours and hours laughing, watching movies, talking, praying and dreaming together. He truly is a kindred spirit, and he's taught me so much about what it means to be a true friend.

And tomorrow morning I'm flying to California to spend about 36 hours with him! Crazy, I know... It kind of fell into place at the last minute. He's organizing an art/film show tomorrow night, and I'm going to perform some music with some members of my old band... It's crazy. I'll be back here in Tulsa on Saturday night! But it is all worth it to hang out with T. I haven't seen him for probably 18 months now... I'm really excited.

And yes, there will be some program challenges. Getting in my calls, planning my food, etc. But I know I'll be fine. God's in this, through and through.

I'm a blessed and happy man.

Running

2011-05-03T22:40:00.004-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm celebrating this week. On Sunday, I mapped out a 5K run in my neighborhood and then I ran it! Without stopping! And I had a great time... 27:42. That's like a 9-minute mile!

Now I should say that I thought I would die there at the end. I was way too confident, and I started out running way too quickly. But I finished.

But tonight I deliberately paced myself a little slower at the beginning, and then I had so much energy at the end I was practically sprinting toward home! It was an amazing feeling.

This, my friends, is another miracle of recovery. I'm so, so grateful.

God Provides, Part 2

2011-05-03T16:53:00.003-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

If you haven't read the first part of this story, please do that first. Now here's part two...

I need to rewind a little bit here and mention one other part of my week. On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had been involved in caring for a family in our church. The wife's brother had died from cancer. He was young, only in his 40s, and it was tragic. But I was able to serve and love them, even though my Wednesday in particular got really, really crazy as a result. So that's another piece of my crazy, exhausting week... and it was that night that our van died and I posted (then deleted) my little "cry for help" on Facebook.

A little later that same evening, I got this message in my Facebook inbox:

"Charlie: I read a post from you that you need an honest, fair car mechanic, but now I can't find your post! If you still need a mechanic, I'm recommending... Although I've never had the need to use him as a mechanic, he led a class that my husband and I attended at... and he struck me as a very trustworthy, good Christian guy and from what I understand, runs a successful business. The link is to an article on his business. I hope this helps."

The message was from the woman whose brother had died. Crazy. So I thanked her and proceeded to have the van towed to that garage in the morning.

Nice story, right? God provides a great, fair mechanic through this woman reading a post that I only left up for a few minutes. Well that's not the half of it.

Around noon I got a call from the mechanic telling me that the fuel pump needed to be replaced, along with some other things, and that the bill had already been taken care of.

Did you catch that? The wonderful people who recommended the mechanic PAID THE BILL. When we picked the van up later that evening, the mechanic gave us the receipt for... $567.00.

I honestly don't know how we could have paid for that right now. No way. What an amazing gift.

And the story doesn't even end there!

On Sunday I talked to the woman again, expressing my gratitude at their amazing generosity, and she told me a little bit more. Apparently the night she saw my FB post, she felt like God was leading her to help out in some way. She prayed for guidance, opened her bible and came to this verse in the gospel of Luke. Jesus is speaking: "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" (Luke 6:38). She talked to her husband, and they agreed that they should do this for us. It was practical, and it was a way they could give back a little bit to our family...

Great story, right? One more little thing to share:

The very next day, their family got a check in the mail from the IRS. Completely unexpected. They had overpaid their taxes.

I'm just blown away by the generosity of our God and God's people. I am so grateful.

God Provides, Part 1

2011-05-02T23:00:00.003-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I have just been stuck. Not stuck in my program, thank God. I am doing well, still maintaining my abstinence by the grace of God, one day at a time. But with work and seminary and home/family stuff and training for the 5K and all that, these days it seems like the only thing I can do is sit here and stare. The idea of being productive and creative... Writing a song or even blogging... Kind of unthinkable. It's funny, even AT THIS MOMENT, I am so tempted to just stop writing and "come back to it later." But I think I want to keep going. I have (what I hope will be) an encouraging story to tell.

So I've been swamped. And discouraged. Work has been tough the last few weeks. Easter was wonderful in a lot of ways - Holy Week, really; it's Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday (along with rehearsals on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday) - but along with the high of a great week comes the inevitable let-down of The Monday After. And then, on Tuesday, a one-two punch of criticism in the form of a very ugly email and then an ambush in a church board meeting. I'm fine if people disagree with me about the direction of the church and the worship music in particular. Of course we're going to disagree, but it hurts a lot when my character and motives are maligned. When a great prelude with guitar, sax, trumpet, trombone, drum, piano and bass solos somehow turns me into a Vegas showman "tossing my hotel room key to the girls in the front row." (I'm not making this stuff up.)

I should also say that I got tons of positive affirmation. Emails and cards even. From young people and older people. Easter was a successful day. 1500+ people in attendance, great vibe, great music and sermon... My sponsor was even there! (What a gift!) So I had lots of reasons to be grateful. And I was. But still, those negative things really wiped me out.

Wednesday rolled around, as it always does. And it's always a very long day. So by the time 8:30pm rolled around, I was ready to grab the kids and head home from church. As I backed out of my parking spot, the engine died. And it wouldn't start up again. I was just *done.* I had all four of my kids plus one of their friends in the back of the van, my wife was in a staff meeting for her new (second) job, and I was feeling pretty hopeless. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel and yelled out, "No! God, you can't let this happen right now! Please! Let this van start!" Alas, it was not to be. I soon realized that there was something seriously wrong, and I would not be driving the van home that night. I texted my good friend and fellow blogger, G. Rabanon (@RecoveringinOA), asking for prayers and support, then I looked under the hood to see what I could do. I began to realize how perfect it was that I was at church. Fellow staff members were coming out to their cars. One took my kids home, one went to get some oil. Eventually we gave up and Mrs. Charlie came and took me home.

That night I got home and posted to Facebook (because I am a hopelessly extroverted person and I *always* post things to Facebook), "Tulsa friends: Any recommendations for a good, affordable mechanic would be greatly appreciated. Our van died tonight, and I will need to get it towed tomorrow. Can't believe this! Only ONE MORE car payment left and it dies."

My wife came in the kitchen a little while later and said, "Charlie, please don't go making a big deal about the last car payment thing. We'll deal with this. I know it sucks, but we don't wanna be acting like victims here." So funny. She is such a private person, and I am so OUT THERE all the time. We're good for each other in that way. Needless to say I didn't tell her what I had posted to Facebook; I just quietly deleted it.

(To be continued...)

Whining My Way to Gratitude

2011-04-14T00:04:00.003-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have had a very, very, very, very long day. All Wednesdays are like this for me, but today seemed especially busy. I got up at 5:45 this morning, and I'm still up, typing this at 11:26pm. I'm so tired, but I couldn't go to sleep right now if I tried.

At the risk of sounding like a terribly whiner, I'm going to tell you what I did today.

Talked to sponsee at 6, realized I was out of eggs, drove to grocery store while talking to sponsee (wearing pajamas and slippers and a sweatshirt), bought eggs, drove home, made and ate breakfast, showered and got ready for work, stood out with twins at bus stop, worked on Eighth Step, called my sponsor, drove to work, worked from 9-3:30 (incredibly productive work, I might add - I am not often that productive), began my "afternoon taxi service": Picked up middle son at home, drove to school to pick up twins, drove girl twin to gymnastics, drove boys home to get boy twin's soccer stuff, made and ate snack, drove boy twin to soccer with older brother in tow, took older brother to church, ran to my office to get sheet music and check email, rehearsed with men's ensemble in choir room, rehearsed adult and children's choirs, rehearsed with singing group for Sunday, turned off lights throughout church, got stuff from my office, retrieved two patiently-waiting older sons and oldest son's friend, drove friend home, drove boys home, arrived at 9:40pm...

Aside, or "Mrs. Charlie: An Appreciation."

Discovered my sweet wife crashed in bed, miserable with headache. I would be remiss if I did not mention that Mrs. Charlie is an incredibly hard worker and all-around wonderful person. SHE also had a busy day, at her 8-5 full-time job. She left work, drove to gymnastics to pick up our girl twin, drove to the soccer field to pick up boy twin, then drove to church where she volunteers as a middle school small group leader in our confirmation program. Then she took the twins home, got them into bed and went to bed herself.

Sometimes I miss my wife... Especially on Wednesdays. You know, the whole "two ships passing in the night" thing...

Anyway, got home at 9:40 to find my wife in bed, the girl twin still awake, tossing and turning up in her bedroom. Sang James Taylor to her while scratching her back. "You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall... All you have to do is call and I'll be there. You've got a friend." Got the two big boys in bed, put the trash out for the garbage truck, emptied and re-loaded the dishwasher, put the rabbit in his cage for the night, made a delicious dinner (eggs, cheese and salsa in a brown rice tortilla with V8 to drink), ate it while reading some more of Jonathan Franzen's great novel "Freedom."

Fired up the Mac. Put iTunes on shuffle. Listened to Adele, Erin McKeown, Josh Woodward (Thanks, G.), Joan As Police Woman, The Choir, Sean Kingston, Sleeping At Last, Chris Tomlin. Blogged about my day.

Felt exhausted but happy. Grateful. Realized that God was with me all day, walking with me, holding me up, providing me with three OA friends who called ME, four healthy and satisfying meals, fulfilling work that pays me well enough, a house to come home to, reliable transportation, a lot of quality time with my kids in the minivan and great music.

The words to the song I'm listening to right now (Chris Tomlin's "Lovely") seem appropriate to close tonight:

As long as I live, I'll praise you, Lord.
Name above all, be lifted high
For all of my days, I worship you
I worship you

Dinner Anxiety

2011-04-08T09:46:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Tonight Mrs. Charlie and I are going out to dinner with a couple from our church. I should clarify. We are being taken out to dinner by a couple from our church. This couple is wealthy. They are in their 70s. He was a doctor. They are wonderful, bright, successful, generous people. He was instrumental in getting me my job here at the church. He currently sits on a board of laypeople who help to oversee my ministry at our church. They both sing in my choir at church.

So I feel a little insecure. I have no reason to be insecure. They like me a lot. They have told me so. They think I'm doing a good job. I believe them.

They called a few weeks back and invited us to dinner and a theater production (The Aluminum Show), and it's a lovely, generous gesture. I am grateful for their kindness and the opportunity to get out of the house!

And I'm totally tripping over dinner. Remember, I weigh and measure my food, even in restaurants. It's one of the parts of my program that I'm not too fond of, but I cannot deny its power in my life. As I surrender to the program, even this part of the program, I find freedom. But c'mon already! I do not want to weigh and measure my food tonight. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don't want to look like a freak. I don't want to stand out. I could eat moderately in this restaurant, I know I could! I don't want to have to explain myself or defend myself. I don't want to have to talk about addiction or recovery, especially with a doctor.

See? This is future tripping, plain and simple. I am anticipating what they will say, planning complete conversations that simply don't exist. It's fantasy.

By the way, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. I know I don't have to talk about anything I don't choose to talk about. I also know that these are wonderful people who I do not want to be rude to.

I drove up to the restaurant yesterday and talked to one of the managers. I investigated the menu. I'm having 3 oz. chicken, 2 cups veggies and 4 oz. of plain baked potato with 2 tbsp sour cream and 1 tsp butter. I'm drinking water. I'm going to be grateful for the willingness to go to any lengths necessary to maintain my abstinence.

I guess I just needed to get that out today. I'll be fine. I always am. I turn my life and will over to the care of my Higher Power today, as I try to every day. Thy will, not mine, be done.

A Timely Reminder

2011-04-07T21:04:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Welcome to D.M., a new reader who's been catching up on my posts and reading some of the old ones. She commented on some, which drew my attention to them. Look at this one, from March 10, 2008:

"Feeling fat again. Ate off plan all week in Boston. Stress and anxiety are really giving me grief. Isolation and fear are cutting me off from reality and good choices for my body.

God, help me!"

And this one, from eight days later:

"Wow. I've completely fucking let myself go. I am so tired of this.

Last night I thought to myself, 'I am NOT hungry. Nothing sounds good. I don't WANT to eat!'

And then I continued to put food in my mouth. Four cookies. Milk. A cheeseburger. Diet Coke.

God help me. Compulsivity consumes me."

I had forgotten that Charlie, the one who was so afraid and isolated, so hopeless and helpless. I'm grateful to be reminded of what it really was like. Sometimes I forget.

Now that I'm nearly eight months into my OA-HOW abstinence, now that I look and feel "normal" as far as my weight goes, now that I'm doing (for me) amazing things like training for a 5K, sometimes I wonder if I'm "all better," if I could do it on my own.

These messages remind me that I can't. I need you, my recovery friends. I need the 12 Steps. I need OA-HOW. I need God. I've been out there, and it's ugly. If I don't work this program, I'll be right back where I was three years ago.

I have a life-threatening disease. Thank you, D.M., for the reminder. Thank you, God, for the solution.

5Ks, Body Image Issues, and Lots of Gratitude

2011-04-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm also, apparently, to my great delight and surprise, a runner.

Crazy, I know. My friends, believe me when I say to you that I am one of the world's great couch potatoes. But I just ran twenty minutes without stopping. Twenty minutes!

I'm planning to run the Full Moon 5K in Tulsa on May 14. My wife and son will probably join me, and I'm training now, using the Couch-to-5K program. Every time I bump up to the next level, it's tough... but not impossible. And each time I get stronger. It gets easier. I love it.

I've been thinking about body image lately. I always saw myself as a "big" guy. I told myself that even if I lost all the weight I needed to lose, I would still be a big, barrel-chested guy. I saw myself as a big, lumbering guy. And I hated it. I know it's unusual for a man to talk about body image issues, but we experience this stuff too. I see the men on TV and in magazines, and I want to look like that. I sing in a cover band... I want to look like a rock star... skinny jeans and tight t-shirt and all.

But you know what? I've been lying to myself. I'm actually, really, honestly a lot smaller than I ever could see before. I was at my chiropractor's last month. He and I were talking about running, and he was working on my back... He said - I kid you not - "You'll be a great runner... You have such a nice, light frame." I actually asked him to repeat and clarify what he had said. Yup, I had heard correctly. I have a light frame. A small frame. Me.

Why have I never been able to see it? It's amazing the lies that we tell ourselves, that our disease whispers in our ears. I look in the mirror now, and I think I'm starting to see what I really look like.

Thanks be to God. I could never have imagined these gifts eight months ago. I was an absolute mess, and today I'm training for a 5K. I'm feeling more peace and joy than I have in years. I'm experiencing the 9th Step promises. I feel purposeful. I'm working on my 8th Step, and I'm not living in fear of the amends I have to make. I feel more connected to God, more in tune with my wife and kids, more accepting of myself and my character defects, more willing to turn my life and my will over to God's care, more able to accept life on life's terms...

I'm recovering, one day at a time. And I'm grateful.

Praise the Lard?

2011-03-27T17:31:00.002-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Really interesting article on MSNBC's "Diet & Nutrition" website today.

I was on an OA retreat this past weekend. It was a wonderful time, and I hope to write about it later this week. Anyway, one of the new women who showed up is a very devout Southern Baptist lady, and I was struck by one of her statements. She talked about how the church is full of nice, fat church ladies... and no one ever addresses it. It's certainly been my experience in church. We make our little jokes about how "these cookies don't have calories" (ha ha) or say, "Oh, I really shouldn't," while we take one (or two), and everyone just pretends we're not slowly killing ourselves.

Maybe it's like this everywhere. Maybe it's just human nature, especially in the 21st century in America, but I do notice it everywhere I look in the church.

I had a cool experience this morning. As I was greeting people after the service, I was approached by a young woman who exclaimed, "You're so skinny!" I am used to hearing that these days, and I just smile and say, "Well, thanks..." But she was different. I could see pain in her eyes as she asked me how I had done it. She was really hungry for answers. I could tell she could handle the truth, and I let her know I'm working a 12 Step program for food addiction and compulsive overeating. I told her that I'm insane when it comes to food, and I desperately need a program to relieve me of this disease. She was instantly interested and told me she knows this is true about her too. She wants to talk to me later this week, and I'm certainly willing to share my experience, strength and hope with her. I pray that - if she truly is a compulsive overeater - she will have the willingness to seek me out (or find any other way!) to explore Overeaters Anonymous.

What do you think? Are religion and obesity linked? Why or why not?

Very Demotivational

2011-03-20T20:53:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I am having a really hard time finding any desire to blog at all. Honestly, I can't remember a time when I've been so unmotivated to write.

I think I'm simply overwhelmed by all I want to say. Sometimes I think blogging feeds two of my most glaring character defects: perfectionism and people pleasing. I want you all to like me. I want to come across as funny and cool and insightful and authentic... and sometimes that desire guides my posts.

And perfectionism. Well gosh. Sometimes I agonize over every word, every punctuation mark. Should I use a semicolon here? An ellipse...?

Sometimes it's easier just to stay away.

And then there's the time factor. A good, well-written blog post is not something that i can just toss off! I get sucked in. I'm here for a long time.

So here it is, Sunday night at 8:42. I have a little time, but I don't think I want to spend it at my laptop. I have so much to write about... Should I write about the 5K I'm running in May? What my 5th Step experience was like? I could write about the OA retreat coming up this weeked and how behind I feel in preparing for that? I'd love to write about body image issues and the astonishing thing my chiropractor said a while back. ("You have such a light frame... You'll make an excellent runner." What!? Who are you talking to!?)

But I think I'm going to read instead. I've been reading a lot of fiction lately. I'm so grateful for the gift of literature. Books are a great joy for me.

I'll tell you this as I sign off: I'm abstinent today, as I have been for 223 days now. I'm lighter than I have ever been in my adult life, emotionally, spiritually AND physically. And I'm really happy. God continues to do for me what I could never do for myself.

I'm grateful to you for your love and support.

The 5th Step

2011-02-26T07:04:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm meeting my sponsor in about 90 minutes to "admit to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs." Yes, friends, Charlie is taking the fifth step.

Say a prayer for me! I'm excited, but I'm a little nervous at the same time. There are no big skeletons in my closet to reveal (she already knows about all those), but I have a little bit of fear nonetheless. Not surprising, since fear is one of my character defects. My fear? That my fourth step won't have been "good enough," that my sponsor will somehow think I didn't work it hard enough. Hmmm... There's another character defect rearing its ugly head: people-pleasing.

So glad I'm coming up on the sixth step, where I become "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

And since I have to leave in an hour, and I still haven't gotten ready or had breakfast, I'd better scoot. I'm revealing another character defect here: procrastination. :)

What It Was Like, What Happened and What It's Like Now

2011-02-24T18:30:00.002-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I’m a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Tonight I have the privilege of speaking at an OA-HOW meeting up in Minnesota. I guess it's a really small meeting, and so every week they ask a guest to phone in and participate in the meeting via speakerphone.

And I've been thinking it would give me the perfect opportunity to post my story here... It is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and I want to add my voice to the many others who are saying that recovery is possible! I am living proof... So grateful to all of you who are walking this road of recovery with me.

So here's what I'm planning to share tonight:

My name is ______, and I’m a compulsive overeater and OA-HOW sponsor.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope with you tonight. I’ve been praying that I will be of service, and that God will use my words however he sees fit.

I have been a compulsive overeater for as long as I can remember. I was born into a family of overeaters. Some of my earliest memories around food involve birthdays and special family times. My family loved to eat. Every Wednesday night we would stop at McDonald’s on the way to church, and it was something I looked forward to all week.

Every Thanksgiving, our family drove from our home in Indiana to Kentucky to visit family. I look back and it seems like those visits were all about the food. Lemon meringue pie, the table full of food, desserts, pop, cookies, candy. And all of us cousins could eat whenever we wanted to for the entire weekend.

Good times in my life were always associated with food. What were we going to eat? Could we get pizza? Family fun nights always revolved around my dad making popcorn. We were never very active as a family. We would never do sporting activities, for instance. We spent quality time together eating and sitting and talking. Watching slides, for instance, or movies.

My dad and mom are compulsive overeaters who had rituals around food. Dad with his cheese and crackers every night at the table. Mom with the candy bars hidden in her underwear drawer. And even when I was a very young boy, my parents were already struggling with their own obesity.

I’m not sure why we all felt constantly deprived, but I think we did somehow. We were forever dividing up the food on the table to make sure we all got equal portions, even though there really was plenty for all. For example, if there were dinner rolls, we counted them and announced how many each of us could have. I thought all families did this. It was my future wife that first pointed out to me how odd this behavior was.

I know my parents did the best they could in raising my sister and brother and me. As we grew up, in fact, we were all convinced that we were the greatest family on the planet! There was a lot of love and affection in the house. We laughed together a lot. But I can see now, a lot of that was to cover up deep insecurities and anxieties. I think perhaps as a child, I could sense these things, but I could never have explained it. We were happy on the surface, but there was a lot of trouble brewing underneath. And I think food was one of the major ways we all dealt with it.

I was aware of being overweight – even felt fat – as a middle school and high school student, although I look back and see pictures of myself and can’t believe how thin I was. I started dieting in high school, but was never very serious about it. I made myself start drinking Diet Coke instead of regular, for instance, but I would drink it with pizza and candy bars. I might occasionally try to go without some kind of food for a time.

I would come home after school and make an entire box of macaroni and cheese for myself. When my parents would go out and leave me in charge of my younger siblings, we would always have frozen pizza and popcorn, along with sweets and other things. Holidays were always all about the food. My family loved each other by cooking and baking for each other.

In college, my eating began to take a turn for the worse. I had access to a cafeteria and a snack bar, and I could make my own choices, which never included healthy foods. I gained a lot of weight and began the cycle of trying to lose, gaining it back as soon as I would lose it.

I got married in 1993. I remember promising my wife that I would never get fat. I didn’t want to end up like my parents, but I soon began to gain weight. I worked as a traveling rep for a college for a while, and it was all about the food… driving through the McDonald’s in the morning, figuring out where and when I could eat lunch and dinner. Even the social aspect, which I loved, centered around food. Where should we eat? What are we getting? I ate massive amounts of food, and I was not very active. Soon I weighed around 220 pounds. At 5’9-1/2”, that was too heavy, and I was unhappy.

I remember talking to a doctor one time about weight loss. This was at least 15 years ago now. I was hoping maybe there was some radical thing he could do for me, maybe put me on a liquid diet or something. I remember him saying that I was not heavy enough for medical intervention of any kind, and that for people like me, overweight but not yet severely obese, it is a really hard road, and there’s not a lot of hope. He basically said “Good luck with that.”

My “history of compulsive eating” could fill a book, so here are some highlights:

All the times I tried to "start over" tomorrow, or Sunday, or Monday, or the first of the month, or on my birthday, or on such-and-such a holiday, or on New Year's Day.
All the times I took out cash so my wife wouldn't know I was going to McDonald's or other drive-thrus on my way to or from work.
All the times I ate fast food right before I got home, trying to cram it all in, and then hid the bag under the seat, went in, and ate dinner with my family. I could barely eat because I was so miserable. But that never stopped me. I did it again and again.
Staying up late to eat after everyone else is asleep. Eating 2-3 bowls of cereal, sometimes with sugar dumped on top of it. Eating until I felt like I would burst. Eating while a voice in my head kept saying, "Just stop, dammit!"
The insanity of having to eat another kind of food in order to make up for the food I just ate. Binge on ice cream, now I need something salty. Now something sweet again.
Fast food has been probably my #1 problem. I remember one specific time I started at McDonald's (my all-time drug of choice), got a big meal there, and then went right across the street to Burger King because I wanted a chicken sandwich with cheese and onion rings. I already had the Diet Coke from McDonald's (always a diet), so I got a shake at BK. I had a three-hour trip ahead of me, I reasoned. I could eat it all. And I did, but I was miserable.
At restaurants I often made sure my kids' plates were clean. By eating their food myself. Sometimes I even hung back as everyone was leaving to make sure I could grab a last fry or half a cheeseburger.

I’ve gained and lost hundreds of pounds over the years. I've tried Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Master Cleanse, a personal trainer who made me a very specific food plan, fasting, and compulsive calorie-counting.

About 8 years ago now, I did the calorie-counting-along-with-exercise route and I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back. I was miserable.

I found OA in November of 2006. I was working another 12-step program at the time, and I realized that my compulsive behavior in that area of my life reminded me a lot of my compulsivity around food. I remember sitting on my couch, reading the “15 Questions” on the OA website. Tears streamed down my face as I realized that I had finally found the answer. I was a compulsive overeater. I knew it in my heart of hearts, and I had to surrender and get to a meeting.

Was I cured? Far from it. I still had a long journey to go… You see, my biggest mistake was not to fully embrace everything OA had to offer me. I went to meetings here and there, and I chose a food plan, but that’s it. I thought it was working for me, because I started to lose a lot of weight right away. I ended up doing what I called the “HOW plan,” even though I had no idea what OA-HOW was all about. I basically used a modified Greysheet diet as my food plan and hung on for dear life. I did lose over 60 pounds in seven months. What I didn’t do was get a sponsor or work the steps. In other words, I was on another diet with a nice support group that I occasionally visited.

And seven months into it, in a Baskin-Robbins in Redwood City, California, I thought to myself, “Surely I can have just one milkshake. I’ve been so good.” And so I did. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking that I didn’t look any different. “See, that wasn’t so bad!” And that was the beginning of four years of terrible relapse.

Up and down and up and down, abstinent and binging, fasting and giving up. It was all the more terrible because I had had a taste of what recovery could be like. And my weight fluctuated from a low of 191 to a high of 240 with all kinds of ups and downs in between.

In 1998, my family and I began a very intense season of our lives. I had a series of job changes that really shook us up. First we moved in with my in-laws in LA for six weeks, then I took a temporary job in Seattle for three months. Next we moved to Houston, where I took a job that I thought was going to be perfect. It wasn’t the right fit, and after nine months, we ended up back in LA with my in-laws. Finally, after a long summer spent wondering if I would ever find work again, I got a job in Tulsa, Oklahoma and moved the family here in the summer of 2009. Five moves in 18 months were challenging to us on many levels, but they were really hard on my compulsive overeating. Although I found OA meetings in all of the cities I lived in, I could never find any long-term abstinence.

In Tulsa, I started attending regular OA meetings again. I committed myself to abstinence, and I even got a sponsor. But there was no structure, no path for me to follow. I couldn’t define abstinence, and I didn’t work the steps. I remember one day feeling particularly hopeless. I had re-defined my abstinence once again: three meals a day… It didn’t matter what those meals consisted of. I could even binge three times a day. But no eating in between meals.

I think I reached my bottom when I realized I couldn’t even stick to that plan of eating. I realized I was completely powerless over food and compulsive overeating. My life had become unmanageable. I was 232 pounds, and I was so unhappy.

And then the miracles began to happen. A blogger friend of mine reached out to me through email and really encouraged and challenged me to get and stay abstinent. Then I got a call from a woman from my meeting, just saying she missed me and inviting me back. That Saturday I went to the meeting, and this woman came to the door to let me in. As I sat through the meeting I realized that she had what I wanted… She was at a normal weight, but more than that, she was calm, peaceful, wise. I wanted that kind of recovery. (It wasn’t until later that I discovered she has lost over 200 pounds!) After the meeting, I approached her nervously, hoping to ask her to sponsor me. Before I could ask, she offered. So we sat for an hour while she explained OA-HOW to me. She explained that she could only pass on what she herself had been given, and that I would be expected to work the program like she works it.

How could I, a husband and father of four with a fast-paced, full-time job ever do all these things she said I had to do… every day?! But in a way it felt like a lifeline. The only way out. I was terrified and relieved all at the same time.

That Tuesday, August 10, I started calling my sponsor and committing my food. I got abstinent that day, and 199 days later, here I am.

As of my last weigh-in on the 19^th, I weighed 171 pounds. I have lost 61 pounds from my most recent high of 232 and 69 pounds from my all-time high of 240. For the first time in my adult life, I am a “normal” weight and BMI. But this time there’s something different. I know I’m not “cured.” I am still a compulsive overeater who is being given a daily reprieve from my disease by working this program.

And it’s really important for me to say that I know this program is not all about weight loss. Yes, my weight loss is an obvious and somewhat dramatic result of my recovery, but the spiritual and emotional recovery have been amazing too. I feel like I’m really experiencing the 9^th step promises in my life already…

The Big Book says: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

Notice that says nothing about weight. And everything about peace of mind. I think it’s so cool that the first thing that drew me to my sponsor was the serenity that she radiated, not her 200-pound weight loss. And, as she reminds me almost daily, this program is all about conscious contact with my Higher Power.

AND IF THERE'S TIME... I'll share some stories about life in recovery and how things are really good right now!

Normal? Not So Fast...

2011-02-19T06:34:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Apparently I'm also "normal," at least according to the Body Mass Index (BMI) calculator:

This morning was my monthly weigh-in, and I weigh 171 pounds, the lowest in my adult life. I'm down 61.2 pounds from my most recent high of 232.2, and I'm down 69 pounds from my all-time high of 240.

What a long, strange trip it's been:

And it's not over. Last night I was at a dinner party. Two friend were commenting on the fact that I had brought my dinner in a brown paper bag instead of eating the lasagna they had. As I munched on cold carrots and chicken, one of the women said, "But surely you don't have to do this the rest of your life! You look great! You shouldn't lose any more weight, right?" It was another opportunity to simply tell them that I am working with a doctor and a nutritionist to put the right foods and the right amounts of food into my body, and that I don't know how long I'll do this, but it's working today, so I'm gonna do it tomorrow too...

I remember in the first incarnation of this blog, I finally reached "goal weight," I posted a picture of my feet on the scale showing the number 172. I was so proud. I had arrived. Of course, I wasn't working the steps. I didn't have a sponsor. I didn't even really have a food plan. And later that month... I downed a milkshake from Baskin Robbins. I looked in the mirror. I looked the same. Everything was fine. I was cured. So, later that week, I had another. And then another.

The rest is history, of course, as I plunged into relapse and began a slow-but sure return of every single pound I had lost.

So... Back to normal. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not normal. I'm gonna stick with this thing, because if I don't, I'll be right back where I was in the worst of my disease. I'll gain it all back... and maybe worse, I'll lose the discipline, the clear thinking, the freedom, the spiritual health, the fulfillment, the (9th step) promises that I'm enjoying now. God, never let me forget that.

My name is Charlie. I am *not* normal. I am a compulsive overeater.

42R

2011-02-12T23:36:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have to be up in 5-1/2 hours, so I need to get to bed, but I just wanted to mention this. Tomorrow night I'm going to be singing at this jazz club downtown. It's a pretty big deal for me, and I'm excited. I also wanted to get something new to wear, because most of my dressy clothes are way too big for me now.

I bought a black suit jacket tonight. 42R. "Slim" cut.

It works if you work it. And that, my friends, is all I have to say.

Celebrating Six Months of Abstinence with a Long, Meandering Post on Body Image

2011-02-10T23:50:00.000-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just re-read this post. It's long and wordy and meandering. And it's probably more for me than for you. Consider yourself warned.

Six months today, people. I am so grateful for my abstinence. Through the ups and downs, I have chronicled it all on this blog, and you, my faithful readers, have supported and encouraged me all the way. Thank you.

I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could get through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I didn't think I could get through BBQs and parties and dinners out with friends and traveling on airplanes. I didn't think I could get through my annual conference in Chicago. Hell, at the beginning, I didn't think I could do this for 24 hours.

And here I am. One day at a time, I'm here. I'm taking the 5th step tomorrow, by the grace of God, and I will be here after that too. I'm living this program, and it's blessing me beyond what I thought possible.

Oh yeah, and I have a new body too. As of January 19, I had released 55.2 pounds. I imagine I've lost more since then. And that's what I want to talk about tonight. Maybe this will be a rant, I don't know. I just want to process, and I do that best out loud. I'm definitely an external processor. Sometimes I don't know what I feel about something until I hear myself talking about it.

First off, I have always been self-conscious of my weight. I don't know why it matters so much to me, but it does. I have always wanted to be thin. I honestly don't care to be a muscled, chiseled guy. Just thin. Maybe it's the rock star wanna-be in me. I dream of wearing skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt and actually looking good in it. And I've always had to wear big, baggy clothes that hide my body. I love to swim, but I avoided it because I didn't want to take off my shirt and show my big, fat upper body and man-boobs. I was always shaped oddly, at least I thought so. Somewhat thin/skinny legs and butt and then big fat rolls on the side, barrel chest, boobs... and then kind of skinny arms... It's just my trunk, my torso that I hated. And I think hated isn't too strong a word.

I went through a good season of acceptance a while back, understanding that God made me this way... That under my fat, I have a somewhat large frame. I have a barrel chest. I will not have a tiny little chest anytime soon, and that's actually just fine. My big chest houses my powerful lungs, which enable me to sing the way I do... I can be grateful. And I am.

But now that I'm losing all this weight, I'm finding that I actually am starting to be what you might call skinny. I'm wearing jeans and t-shirts that I never dreamed I'd fit into, and I look pretty good in them. I don't want to be vain, but I look pretty good! And this makes me feel great. I love it. Do you blame me? Is that wrong of me?

And I want you to keep in mind that I have been consulting with a friend who is a doctor, my sponsor, and my personal physician to determine my ideal weight. We have determined (In OA-HOW, we do not come up with our "goal weight" or "maintenance weight" on our own. That's dangerous. I realize that.) that my ideal weight is somewhere around 162. I actually have in my possession a printout from the doctor's office telling me that is what I should weigh. So, by that standard, I can still lose 15 pounds and not be at all in danger of being underweight.

OK, now. People's reactions. I am a people pleaser, and I allow their comments to get under my skin far more than I should. I'm a very public person. Every Sunday I stand and lead 600-700 people in worship. I can't hide. And I have been very visibly shrinking. At first, the comments were positive, encouraging. In fact, most of them still are. People always want to know what I'm doing. I rarely tell them I'm in OA unless they really push it. And I've never found anyone who thought they should do what I'm doing. 12-Step recovery, in my church, is still a little "out there," I'm afraid.

Then people started telling me I needed to stop. They asked me if I was still dieting. They asked me when I was going to stop dieting. They told me I looked fine and that I didn't want to get too skinny. They told me what I could and couldn't eat. They tried to get me to eat food I had politely refused. They said that I had been doing so well, I deserved a donut or a dessert or a bite of this or that. They said there has to be room to splurge sometimes.

I talked to my sponsor about it the day after a woman at my church said I looked "gaunt," and actually gave me some multi-vitamins she had brought for me. She said she was concerned about me and thought I needed to stop losing weight. Ugh. This really bothered me, and that conversation with the woman from church and the subsequent converation with my sponsor is what prompted me to go to the doc and get a physical and find my ideal weight. Now I had ammo. I could tell people my doctor and I were working on this together and that my weight loss was appropriate and I was perfectly healthy. As if it were any of their business.

I've noticed that no one tells you they're worried about your weight when you're fat or chubby. That's not polite.

When I was home in Indiana last weekend, I was watching slides with my mom and dad, both of whom are obese. (My mom has even admitted to me that she knows she's a food addict.) I saw a photo from 2006, when I was at my highest weight. I remember being so uncomfortable, so unhappy with myself. It was shortly after that, that I got in OA for the first time and lost 68 pounds. I mentioned something about that to them, and then, kind of out of nowhere, my dad started saying how I looked better back then, healthier, more robust. He said I was a "good-lookin' guy." Now, he said, I look so thin... I look like I have cancer. Nice.

Today I walked into the business office at church to ask someone a question. From across the room, another woman yelled, for all to hear, "You need to stop losing weight! Are you done with your diet? When are you going to stop?" And she wanted an answer. I kind of laughed awkwardly and said, "I never was dieting. I am just eating in a much more balanced and healthy way." Then she wanted to know how much more I wanted to lose. I hate that question. But I always answer the same: "That's up to God. I'm really just trying to be healthy."

So those are my examples. A few isolated examples in what is becoming an increasing frustration. Why is it that people feel like they can comment on my body and my weight? Why is it that the thing I love so much (attention and affirmation) can so quickly turn into something I dread?

Now, some related thoughts and possible answers.

First, I think this is helping me see that my craving for people to notice and affirm my weight loss was never healthy or good in the first place. Even last week, when I was seeing people I hadn't seen in a year, I reveled in the attention and positive comments I received about my weight loss. "You look great!" "Wow... What have you been doing?!" But I have to let that go. I see now that I cannot rely on others to give me feelings of self-worth or affirmation. This is a God and me thing. I must find my value, my identity in God. I must feel good about myself whether or not people affirm me for it. And this is true no matter my weight. Fat or thin or anything in between. I am loved and precious. I am perfect the way I am. I am where I'm supposed to be.

Second, I'm learning that my sponsor is right... What people say is 90% about them. Honestly, I think it's interesting that most of the people telling me to stop losing weight are overweight themselves. What does that say about them? Misery loves company? And I have to remember that most people have really good intentions. Or they're just awkward and don't know what to say. I don't have to worry about it.

Another comment is just about our society at large (pun not intended, I swear). My sponsor and I were talking about this whole topic yesterday, and she mentioned that she has always sewn clothes for herself... It's a hobby and a thrift thing for her. Now that she's "normal" sized, though, she occasionally buys clothes, and she's amazed to fit into a size 12. This is a woman, remember, who has lost over 200 pounds. (I love my sponsor. She's amazing, and I'm blessed.) Anyway, her point was that when she sews, when she buys a pattern and makes clothes, she cannot fit into a size 12. She wonders - and so do I - whether sizes have slowly, subtly gotten larger in retail stores. Society is growing fatter by the minute, or so it seems, and retailers want to continue to meet the needs of their growing clientele. Could it be? I don't know.

In the case of my dad... The conversation continued, with my mom chiming in in my defense (Thanks, mom!). I think we all came to this point: I don't look sick. I don't look gaunt. I look like me. I look like I've always looked underneath 60-65 pounds of fat. We in our society, and from our own sick points of view really don't know what people are supposed to look like. I'm actually becoming who I'm supposed to be. I'm looking more and more like the real me.

I remember once thinking that I was like a sculpture hidden inside marble... Once Michaelangelo said (if you can believe the urban legend) that he was not creating, he was merely discovering what already existed in the marble... I'm kind of like that sculpture. Already here. Waiting for the Sculptor to find me, to release and reveal me. No one quite knows yet, truly, what I will look like when I'm complete.

And a final word. People can be too thin. People can suffer from eating disorders on the other end of the continuum from mine. But I don't. I am not anorexic or bulemic, and I never have been. To this day, I weigh and measure my food to avoid eating too much. But it also keeps me from eating too little, and I am grateful. Who knows how this disease will rear its ugly head? It's being beaten down pretty badly these days, and it's bound not to like that too much.

OK, I'm done.

Charlie Takes a Trip

2011-02-06T20:44:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I’m a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I’m in a small Midwestern airport typing on my laptop while the rest of the world (or so it seems) is watching the Super Bowl. And you know what? I’m cool with it. I’ve never been much of a sports guy anyway. I actually had to ask my sister who was playing.

The Super Bowl for me has always been about three things: commercials, friends and food. Not necessarily in that order. So I’m incredibly gift of OA-HOW and the willingness to stay abstinent today. In fact, this whole last week has been a gift. I have a lot to write about, and I have a lot of time to write it. I’ll have a lot more time if they cancel my flight, which was supposed to have taken off one minute ago but which has not even arrived yet. God, grant me the serenity…

So, as my faithful readers will recall, I have been at a conference in Chicago all week. It was actually my eleventh time at this particular conference, and I have many good friends and memories of this one particular hotel/conference center where we all stayed together. It’s a good thing we like each other, because we were literally snowbound. I arrived Monday afternoon, and Tuesday evening ushered in the third largest blizzard in Chicago history. Flights were canceled, planned outings into the city never materialized, workshops and seminars were canceled because their leaders couldn’t get there.

As I was flying out of Tulsa, an epic snowstorm (for Oklahoma) was rolling in. I just made it out in time. Mrs. Charlie and the kids were housebound until Saturday. No school, no work. To be honest, I was a little jealous. It sounded so good be all together with nowhere to go. Although I would have been stir-crazy after a day or two, I’m sure.

Monday was an odd day. I got into my room, got all set up with my refrigerator and delivered groceries (Thank you, Peapod.com!), and then wandered to the lobby. I had forgotten that lonely feeling. Who will I see first? Who will I hang out with? Are others as excited to see me as I am to see them? All my insecurities came out to play, and I hoped and prayed that someone would call or text ME… “Hey, you here yet? Let’s hang…” Eventually I ran into an old friend and we sat in a bar for a couple hours. It was good. That first awkward afternoon was over, and I could get on with what I came to do.

I have to admit that I loved all the attention I got over my weight loss. I have lost at least 55 pounds since most of these people had seen me. It was nice to wear my skinny shirts and look good in them! No more straining buttons, no more saggy pants. I know it’s not about the weight. I really do. And man, do I love being at a normal weight.

I led a workshop on Wednesday. I was given a very large budget from our denomination for this workshop, and there were a lot of expectations. I had to deliver. We had about 40 participants, and I had to keep them engaged for 3-1/2 hours. So, being the people-pleaser that I am, I was already worried about making everyone happy. I couldn’t imagine having enough material to fill the time. And then there was the weather. Five of the eight people who were scheduled to help me present the material ended up unable to be with us due to the weather. One guy had flown in from Denver and was in Chicago but couldn’t make it up to our hotel because it was so bad! I stayed up so late the night before. Only got about 3-1/2 hours of sleep. But I prayed about it, talked to my sponsor in the morning, talked to G. Rabanon and a few other program friends… and then turned it over to God and trusted that it would all work out exactly the way it was supposed to work out.

It did! It did! The workshop far exceeded my wildest dreams. Rather than having too little material, I had too much! People were totally engaged and responding enthusiastically. I was able to find suitable fill-ins for the people who couldn’t be there, and, who knows? They may have even been better than the people I had planned to have there. The reviews were uniformly positive. And I was able to see more clearly than I ever have before that I really am gifted in moderating and facilitating discussion. Thank God for a wonderful day.

And then I could just rest and enjoy the rest of conference! I talked for hours and hours with good friends, I prayed and sang, I watched a movie, I slept a lot. It was good.

And I worked the program. Every day. I made my three hookup calls. I talked to my sponsor. I planned and committed my food every morning. I did my stepwork. And I ate my abstinent meals. Thanks be to God.

A touchdown just occurred on the TV in the bar behind me. I don’t know which team, but good for them.

Friday I took a bus from Chicago to the small town in northern Indiana where my parents live. I relaxed and read the whole way. Have you read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides? I love this novel. Anyway, I arrived at my parents’ house, and my brother and sister and their families came over, and we all had dinner together. I made my own. I spend yesterday and today with my family, and then dad brought me over to the airport a little bit ago. And here I wait.

I can’t wait to see how this story ends tonight! Does Charlie make it to Chicago? Does Charlie make it to Tulsa or have to spend the night in the airport or get re-routed to Denver? What does Charlie do for food? (Charlie stupidly packed his scale and measuring cups/spoons in his checked luggage.) Will Charlie get in his last hook-up call as he calls people during the Superbowl. Only God knows as this continuing saga unfolds.

(Later)

But wait! There’s more! So I was sitting in Indiana, writing that post, when G. called. We were chatting happily when I realized there was an eerie silence all around me. My plan was boarding! And I was all spread out all over… computer open, food out… I had to run for it. They were literally yelling at me that they were shutting the door in 40 seconds. OMG.

And now I’m sitting on the ground near a power outlet in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. It’s looking good. The flight to Tulsa is delayed, but I’m gonna get home tonight. Thank you, God.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about body image. I’ve been threatening to for some time now. It all culminated last night when my dad told me I look like a cancer patient. Nice.

It Works If You Work It... Even When You're Sick!

2011-01-29T14:42:00.001-06:00

Hi Everyone. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Thursday afternoon I got sick. I mean really, really sick. I was out to lunch with Mrs. Charlie, and I started to feel a little sluggish, a little woozy... Frankly, it felt like I was getting drunk. I couldn't articulate my thoughts. It was as effort to speak. My food didn't taste good. In fact, I had to basically force myself to eat it. This is not normal.

I was already feeling a little bit icky, but I chalked that up to the fact that I was on Day One of my caffeine abstinence. I had a low-grade headache, and I was definitely a little bit cranky.

Anyway, as I drove back to the office, I wondered whether I ought to be driving at all, and then I realized I was going to throw up. Well, once I was back at work it was only a matter of time before I was in the bathroom losing my lunch. I curled up on the couch in my office and slept on and off for an hour or so. Then I slowly started to drive home. I soon realized that I wasn't going to make it home... so I hurriedly pulled into a KFC and threw up in their bathroom. Nasty.

Then I got home and basically collapsed on the couch. It was awful. I threw up once again here at home before my stomach started to settle down.

I was concerned about my abstinence. I didn't want to eat anything! But I had committed to eating certain food for the day, and to eat more or less than that pre-committed food constitutes a slip in OA-HOW. I talked to a few sponsors before I could get mine on the phone. And I changed over to a "sick plan" that enabled me to continue to eat, but to commit things like "up to 2 cups of cooked green beans" rather than a definite amount. That put a ceiling on what I could eat but wouldn't force me to eat what I couldn't get down.

It worked! The program worked! I worked the program, and I'm still abstinent. I woke up yesterday after sleeping like a brick for nine hours, and felt so much better! My stomach was still a little rumbly, but I was much better. I could even go to work.

And today I'm back to normal, still abstinent. And now with a plan in place for the next time I get sick.

And here's a recipe my sponsor shared with me... It was really good!

1 cup V-8
1/2 cup cooked rice
3 oz. cooked chicken, cut up
1/2 oz. cheese, shredded
2 tbsp sour cream

It makes a great tomato soup! And it works for me in my plan. Dinner for me is 2 veggies, 1 starch, 1 protein, 2 fats... Perfect!

A New Abstinence

2011-01-27T09:53:00.001-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Well, friends, it's Day One.

But don't worry... I'm still abstinent. By the grace of God, through the structure of OA-HOW, and with the support and love of people like you, I have 5-1/2 months of freedom from compulsive overeating.

No, this is a new kind of abstinence. And I'm not sure how long it will last, or how long it will need to last. Today I surrendered caffeine.

Here's where I veer into the land of possible TMI. (That's "too much information" for those who didn't know, so feel free to leave now...) See, I've been having some symptoms of prostate trouble. Ugh. I have to pee all the time. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee. And so on. It's not cool. And I'm only 39 years old... SO after seeing a doctor a few times and getting lots of tests run (some more, um... invasive than others), it has been concluded that there's apparently nothing wrong with me. Hmmm...

So the next step is a urologist if my symptoms don't clear up. But first, a suggested test. My doc asked how much caffeine I drink every day. He said caffeine intake can sometimes cause the things I'm experiencing, and he recommended I stop the caffeine for a few weeks as a test. If I'm still having troubles, then I'm supposed to go off coffee and soda altogether and do water only for two weeks.

He was so apologetic... Telling me I could do it, and it didn't have to be forever... and the funny thing is, I was totally cool about it. I was totally at peace. I knew that I would treat it like I do my abstinent eating, one day at a time. God is with me.

So today starts a day with no caffeine. One day. I'm sipping my decaf, and I've packed my Diet Cherry 7-Up for lunch. Honestly, I'm a little sluggish, and I have a bit of a headache, which I expect to get worse. I have been a "problem drinker" when it comes to caffeine. 6-7 cups of coffee a day, and probably 4-5 cans of Diet Coke. God help me. And God will.

A Plan of Eating

2011-01-26T18:48:00.000-06:00

Hey Friends! My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have the privilege of reading and "pitching" on A Plan of Eating tonight on the phone meeting. It starts in about 30 minutes, so this will give me some time to process what I'm going to say and a chance to write a new blog entry at the same time!

The reading starts by saying "A food plan is a commitment to recovery." I like that, and I've found it to be true in my life. My commitment to recovery began the moment I became willing to lay down the food, to trust that someone else was going to be in charge from now on... I turned my life and my will over to the care of my Higher Power by turning my food decisions over to the care of my sponsor and a medical professional.

I love this sentence: "Food is written down, called in to our sponsor, and committed, so that we can get on with our recovery and out of the food." In the 5-1/2 months I've been abstinent, I've found this to be true in so many ways... For the first time in my adult life, I feel wholly at peace about my life.

The 9th Step Promises say, in part, "...Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change... We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

I honestly think that's exactly what I'm experiencing... I'm already beginning to experience these incredible promises! The more I work this program, the more purposeful I become, the more disciplined, the better able to deal with life on life's terms. And it all starts with the Plan of Eating.

I have a conference coming up next week. I will be in a hotel and conference center in Chicago for a week. It's my 11th year going to this particular conference, and I look forward to it every year. I get to see dear friends and colleages that I respect so much. Most of the time, our free time revolves around hanging out in restaurants and bars, talking and laughing deep into the night. I've been worried about how I would follow my Plan of Eating in Chicago. I knew I would stay abstinent. I'm committed to abstinence, and I've already received such gifts as a result... I just didn't know exactly how I would stay abstinent.

I finally reached a decision last weekend. Simple is best. I typically eat very simply, even repetitively. I often commit the same foods to my sponsor day after day. Why change anything in Chicago? It's not that I'm unwilling to weigh and measure in restaurants. I do that whenever I choose to go out. But for the sake of peace and simplicity, I decided to eat in my room or to pack my meals and take them with me. My wife found an online grocery delivery service, and we ordered a week's worth of groceries, to be delivered the day I arrive. I stocked up on non perishables wherever possible, and I even ordered plasticware, a can opener and plates! I called the hotel and ordered a refrigerator for my room, and I'm all set. The total cost was less than half what I would normally spend in a week of eating in restaurants, so my employer was more than happy to pay for everything.

I'm excited about next week now. As the reading says, now I can get on with my recovery and out of the food. My choices are already made. I feel great peace about next week, and I can enjoy my friends and all the benefits of the conference without getting bogged down in food obsession.

Living the Promises... Already

2011-01-25T23:51:00.000-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Funny. I thought things would slow down a bit after Christmas. And I haven't even blogged in three weeks. It's been pretty crazy in my life... I won't waste your time or mine detailing all the things I've got going on. Just believe me when I say my work, my graduate studies, my responsibilities as a dad and husband, and my OA-HOW program are taking a lot of my time.

You know the crazy thing? I'm happier and more at peace than I have been in a long, long time. I'm content. I'm abstinent... Over 5-1/2 months now! At my last weigh-in, I weighed 177 pounds. That means I've surrendered 55.2 pounds to God, and I'm only 15 pounds or so away from my maintenance weight.

The Big Book says: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

I honestly think that's exactly what I'm experiencing... I'm already beginning to experience these incredible promises! The more I do this, the more I work the steps, follow the plan, surrender my life and my will to God, make my calls, eat abstinently... the more purposeful I become, the more disciplined, the better able to deal with life on life's terms.

Tired tonight, but happy. Grateful.

I have a big conference in Chicago next week, so I'm working hard to get all my work done before I go. I'm trying to get a week ahead in my seminary class, too, so I don't have to work on it there. All that to say, I don't have a lot of time to blog this week, but I have two topics I really want to write about... 1) A great food idea I'm going to implement in Chicago, and 2) body image issues...Hope I get to them!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2011-01-03T08:33:00.000-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's 7:35 on Monday morning. I woke up at 5:30; made a pot of coffee; did my daily reading/writing assignment; talked to my sponsor at 6 to commit my food for the day and read my writing to her; made and ate a delicious, abstinent breakfast (4 oz. cottage cheese, 1 tbsp. almonds, 1 banana, 1 egg, 2 oz. sausage, 1 piece toast); worked on my to do list; read a little bit on my new Kindle (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, if you must know); put on one of my favorite albums from 2010 (Janelle Monae's The ArchAndroid); caught up on some blogs; and now I'm trying to muster up the energy to leave the table, take a shower and get dressed.

I have the kids at home for one more day before school starts, so I want to take them to a movie or something. Anyone seen Secretariat? That's probably what we'll see, cuz it's at the cheap theater. It's either that or the creepy looking CGI movie about owls... My oldest needs to take the test for his driver's permit. Ugh. And yay! Can't wait till he can take over some of the driving for the family.

Christmas was wonderful and stressful all at the same time, and I'm sad and happy it's over. My phone calls with my sponsor have been kind of free-floating over the past two weeks, but this morning we got back to our normal 6am time, and that feels good. As an addict in recovery, I function best with lots of structure in my life. It started with a structured program of recovery, but I'm finding that this structure finds its way into other parts of my life as well. I thrive when I'm living on-plan. My life has a framework. I get things done. I can rest in the reality that I've done what I can do every day.

So tomorrow it's back to work, full-time. I've been kind of free with work the past week as well. They were cool about it since I basically lived at the church over Christmas. Let's see, what's coming up in this semester?

I'm taking another seminary class online... Interpreting the Old Testament. (Although in honor of my friend G. Rabanon, maybe I should should re-name it, "Christians Trying to Interpret Hebrew Scripture.")

I'm considering incorporating some regular exercise into my life. (Oh dear, this is starting to sound like those dreaded "New Year's Resolution" thingies.) Honestly, though, I'm not sure I can find one more free hour in my week. God will lead me. Give me ears to hear and a willing heart, Lord...

Having worked with my first sponsee and dropped said sponsee (another post for another time), I am now ready to work with another. Let me know if you or someone you know needs a sponsor. I am happy to work with you/him/her if there is willingness to follow the HOW guidelines. One thing I'm very clear about is that I can only sponsor as I have been sponsored. I pass the program on as it's been passed down to me. Here are the guidelines I follow, in a nutshell, and I would be even more clear and specific if we talk about possibly working together. You can email me at charlie (dot) edinburgh (at) gmail (dot) com or call using the Google Voice number in the sidebar.

I'll be heading to Chicago for a conference in February. It's one of my favorite things to do every year. I see lots of great friends, experience wonderful rest and refreshment, hear great speakers and music and so on. And this year I'll be presenting a workshop one of the days. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. And I'm wondering what abstinence will look like for me that week. I'm planning to be abstinent, but I don't quite know how. I am not interested in future-tripping at this point, but I do need to start planning. I'll talk more about this as it gets closer.

Believe it or not, I need to start Easter planning. Easter is the high point of the year in terms of Christian worship. My choir is on hiatus until February 9, but when we come back together, I need to be ready for them and have all the music planned.

These are the things I often wait to do until the last minute... and although I always get through them, they are not as good as they could be if I had planned. I have hope that this year will be better - as I continue to work my program of recovery and live within this day-to-day structure.

And what would a new year be without the chaos of kids? In 2010, my kids will be involved in drum lessons, gymnastics, church youth activities, math tutoring, soccer, track, guitar lessons, piano lessons. Oh, and school. Oh, and Mrs. Charlie and I will be driving them to all these places.

OK, I think I have found the willingness to get off my ass. Sorry this post was so random... But look, I have posted three times in three days! Woo-hoo!

Thank You

2011-01-02T11:37:00.000-06:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just want to say "Thank you" to my readers. You have encouraged me and challenged me. You have been an essential part of my recovery over the last several years. For me, 2010 started in relapse. I kept trying to get abstinent, trying to control my food and my eating behaviors, doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. Finally in August, by the grace of God and with a little help from my friends, I found that abstinence that I needed so desperately. I should say that it was given to me, a beautiful gift that I hold on to with everything I have.

And that abstinence has served me well, through a very busy and stressful Christmas season at church, through weddings and parties and vacations and holidays. This program works if I work it.

I realize that I haven't had much of an online presence over the last month or so. I hope to be back to blogging and Tweeting more regularly in the New Year. Thanks to all of you who've hung in there and been so encouraging.

Peace and joy to you in 2011!

Grateful in 2011

2011-01-01T20:16:00.000-06:00

Hi. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm grateful today that I don't have to make myself crazy with resolutions and promises to God and myself, promises that I know I can't keep. For today I'm choosing to live like I lived yesterday and the day before that and the day before that one too. I'm taking it one day at a time, living the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous to the best of my ability.

It's a day like every other day, full of hope and recovery. A day of miracles. I'm so grateful.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T08:45:00.000-06:00

My name is Charlie. I'm a grateful, recovering compulsive overeater from Oklahoma and an OA-H.O.W. sponsor.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a while since I posted, but I am still alive and well, working my program one day at a time. My back-to-back abstinence date is August 10, 2010, and - last I checked - I had lost 41.2 pounds from my most recent high of 232.2 pounds (June 5, 2010), 26.2 of that in the H.O.W. program.

I'm writing today from the Nashville area, where my family is staying with my wife's brother and his family. We drove here on Wednesday, and then yesterday, we drove up into western Kentucky for Thanksgiving dinner with my dad's extended family. Lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, and my parents. We drove back here to Nashville last night, and we'll head back to Oklahoma tomorrow or Sunday.

I want to write about Thanksgiving. Specifically, How I Survived Thanksgiving Dinner With The Family. I wrote this brief reflection in my journal this morning:

Grateful today for abstinence. Grateful for a clever and fun Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. Grateful for a wife and kids who lovingly helped me “act as if” I were eating. Grateful no one noticed. Grateful for calls and for willingness to call. Grateful for a food plan that nourished me. Grateful for safety as I drove 6 hours in the pouring rain. Grateful to see family that I love and so grateful to leave them again.

It was a good day in so many way. Oh, there were triggers, let me tell you. There was my Aunt C.'s lemon meringue pie, for instance, a pie I have always binged on. I'm talking since childhood. To the point that she would bring it "just for me" because she knew how much I loved it. Oh how I love that pie.

And then there was the whole host of other Thanksgiving-type food... you know, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, turkey and ham, chicken and dumplings, etc. Nothing new here. But so tempting. And these are the types of foods and the kind of occasion that would have, in the past, caused me to decide to "just give myself a little treat" and "start over tomorrow." How many times did I do that?

Not this time. And I knew I wouldn't. As I told many of my program friends in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I wasn't worried about slipping, about losing my abstinence. I was worried about how to stay abstinent without drawing undue attention to it. I was worried about how to stay abstinent without hurting Aunt C.'s feelings when I refused her lemon meringue pie. I was worried about what to say when people asked why I wasn't eating.

Well, first of all, I was strategic. My wife and kids and I turned it into a game. First, location. We chose spots in the far corner, far away from the buffet tables. Next, "act as if." I grabbed a plate, got in line with my 9-year-old daughter, and filled a plate full of food for her, walking along as if it were mine. Then I started "taking orders" for my family... potatoes for J., ham for Z., macaroni and cheese for E.... and I walked through the line, amongst cousins, uncles and aunts, filling a plate with all these orders. I took it back to the table, offloaded a bunch of it onto their plates, and then sat with a very messy plate - remnants of the food I had brought back for them - in front of me. I got up many times, grabbing this and that for people, getting myself another cup of Diet Coke, grabbing napkins for people.

And you know what? I won the game! Not one person noticed I wasn't eating. Not one.

As I drove away, I was talking with my wife about the day, and it occurred to me that not only did no one notice, no one cared. Not in a cruel or insensitive way, just as a matter of fact. There were nearly 40 people there, and everyone was into what they were into... No one was paying attention to the food I was or was not eating. In fact, only one person commented on the 40 pounds I've dropped since I was there last Thanksgiving. People were concerned with their own kids, their own situations, their own plates full (or not) of food.

I used to think I was the center of the universe. Yesterday was one of those ego reducing experiences this program talks about. I'm grateful today that I can humbly go about the business of remaining abstinent, I can do what's right for me and I can be of service to others.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.

Experience, Strength and Hope

2010-11-12T17:04:00.001-06:00

Hi, my name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted here. I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still abstinent, by the grace of God. It's just been busy. So much happening all the time. With Christmas coming, this music minister's time is often spent prepping for cantatas and Christmas Eve services. And, of course, I'm always busy calling OA friends, planning meals, packing lunches, reading OA literature, writing (just started my actual 4th Step inventory this morning!), talking to my sponsor every day, Tweeting... Oh yeah, and trying to be a halfway decent dad and husband.

And you know what? I think I'm becoming a better dad and husband, a better pastor and friend. I think this program is working. I know my wife is happy with the changes in my life. She has commented that she likes this "new me" that is emerging. I have never felt so disciplined. I have never been able to stick with anything for any length of time before now. I am so grateful.

Last Saturday my sponsor and I met to do a "Step Up" ceremony. We spent two hours together, talking and reading and even lighting candles. I loved it. I formally became a sponsor in the OA-HOW program. It was powerful. Sometime I'd like to write about that experience. Did I mention there were candles?

And tonight I will "Step Up" on the phone meeting. I will be doing the ceremony and then sharing my experience, strength and hope. I'm a little nervous. But I think it's the right thing to do. I was startled when the meeting leader asked me to do it - only this morning - but after talking to my sponsor, praying about it, and asking friends on the phone and on Twitter, I've decided to go ahead and do it. God will guide me. I will say what I'm supposed to say.

So, my prayer tonight:

God, I offer myself to Thee
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
To Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.
May I do Thy will always.
Amen.

My Reading Tonight

2010-11-05T22:01:00.007-05:00

"Would someone please read an excerpt from Chapter Three of the book Alcoholics Anonymous? We have adapted this selection to deal with compulsive overeaters."

Yes, thank you. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater from Oklahoma.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real overeaters. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our eating careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove that we could eat like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his eating is the great obsession of every compulsive overeater. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were compulsive overeaters. It is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We compulsive overeaters are men and women who have lost the ability to control our eating. We know that no real compulsive overeater ever regains control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced that compulsive overeaters of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like people who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make compulsive overeaters of our kind like other people. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with compulsive overeating agree there is no such thing as making a normal eater out of a compulsive overeater. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real compulsive overeaters are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule; therefore non-compulsive eaters. If anyone who is showing inability to control his eating can do the right-about-face and eat like a normal person, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to eat like other people.

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Eating one meal only; limiting the amount of sweets or starches; never eating alone; never eating breakfast (or lunch or dinner); never having any snack foods in the house; never eating during working hours; switching from regular food to health foods; eating only certain foods; dieting as part of a bet or an agreement; swearing off a particular food forever; taking a trip: taking a solemn oath; going to health farms; going the shots and pills route; going to a sanitarium; reading inspirational books; going to gyms for exercise; purging—we could increase the list ad infinitum.

We do not like to pronounce any individual a compulsive overeater, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step into the kitchen and try some controlled eating. Try to eat and then stop abruptly. Try it more than once, It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a stomachache if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

Still Here, Abstinent and Grateful

2010-11-05T08:35:00.001-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Grateful this morning for 88 days of abstinence. Grateful for the willingness to work my program, one day at a time. Grateful for my many friends in recovery, in my face-to-face meetings, my phone meeting community and my Twitter/blog community. Grateful for my family; my strong, loving, faithful wife; my crazy herd of awesome kids; and my loving God. You all are my lifeline.

I've been awfully quiet here and on Twitter lately, but that's just because my "real life" is very, very full right now. I'm sure a huge post is just below the surface, waiting to be written when the time is right. Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, in the strength of my Higher Power, I can do this.

I'm excited to attend the Friday night phone meeting tonight. Hope some of you can join me! And then tomorrow afternoon I am meeting my sponsor to do the "stepping up" ceremony. It's essentially the end of Step 3, and there are candles and everything! I'll let you know how it goes. After I've "stepped up" privately, then I'll do it on a phone meeting at some point and then I'll be a Sponsor... Whether and when I sponsor anyone else will be something my sponsor and I decide together.

Remember today: You are loved. You are more precious than you can imagine. You are worth it.

I Feel It... I Taste It... This Longing to Be Free

2010-10-28T10:32:00.004-05:00

Hi, my name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm grateful today for 80 days of abstinence from compulsive overeating. It's been amazing so far, and I know I'm just starting out on the journey.

This song came up in shuffle this morning, and I thought I'd share it. It's good traveling music... Andrew Osenga recorded it a couple of years ago and gave it away for free on his website. It's from the album Letters to the Editor.

Swing Wide the Glimmering Gates
Andrew Osenga

I caught myself looking in the mirror
Wishing I was someone else
I was born with a bleeding heart
And veins of loneliness

And I know it, I’ve seen it, I’ve held it in my arms
But love can’t seem to break me down
And I’ve pleaded, I’ve begged and I’ve bloodied my eyes
Just to feel it, to believe it will stick around

Swing wide the glimmering gates

I told myself the habits and secrets
Were just to get me through, to get me through the nights
But I got lost in a world of angles,
In a city of greys and lies

And I feel it, I taste it, this longing to be free
Oh, the joy of believing like a child
So you, you there listening, will you send up a prayer
For me, to help me find the light

Swing wide the glimmering gates
Leave your pride and pain
Swing wide the glimmering gates
And be innocent again

One day I believe I will open up my eyes
Just to see the good work that was begun
And I’ll be the only things I’ve ever wanted to be
And I’ll know that I belong

Swing wide the glimmering gates
Leave your pride and pain
Swing wide the glimmering gates
And be innocent again

Late-Night Twitter Musings on the Love of God

2010-10-26T22:14:00.002-05:00

Hi... My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I posted this long, rambling reflection on God's love last night on Twitter, 140 characters at a time.

Feeling connected to God tonight. #Grateful for a God who really truly loves us. I used to have a friend who doubted God's love for her.

She had come out of a life of real degradation, including drug addiction and prostitution.

But she had found a relationship with God through Jesus... and we served in ministry together.

She still struggled, though, with crippling self-hatred and self-sabotaging behaviors.

I would try to assure her that she was loved by God, & she would reply, in those times, w/ "So what's the big deal? If God loves everyone...

Then why is it special that God loves me?

I had a revelation one day that helped her - and ME - to understand a little better.

If God is a loving parent... then my love for my children is NOTHING compared to God's love for me.

And even though I love all of my kids the same AMOUNT...

I *don't* love them in the same way at all...

In fact, my love for my firstborn son is radically different from my love for my middle son. Which is different from my love for my daughter

and her twin brother. Equal love in many ways, but VERY different and unique love.

And... this was important to me anyway... the "kind" of love I have for my kids... it's based on who THEY are... as unique individuals.

I simply cannot love child 1 in the same "generic" way I love child 2... Impossible.

So each child get this radically unique love that is based in the relationship that he or she and I share...

NO ONE ELSE will ever share that love but that child and me. It's unique, special.

And I think that's how our God loves us.

With a radically unique love that only we as individuals can share with God...based on who we are and who God is.

It's truly a one-of-a-kind love in the history of the Universe because that's how unique we are.

The other piece of this lies in the unchanging nature of God... The love, although it is uniquely focused on each of us as individuals,

is not based on us... how "good" or "bad" we are...

Rather, it is based in who GOD is and the reality that God has chosen US and called us beloved... God's very own sons and daughters.

I try to communicate that love to my own children.

My love for my daughter, for instance, is not BECAUSE of her beauty...

Although she certainly is a little beauty...

No, I love her for one simple reason: She's MINE.

That will never change.

Appearance, talent, intellect, personality, circumstances of life...

Those are love-able things...

But they can change.

The reality that my children are MY CHILDREN. That doesn't change.

It lets my kids be secure in the fact that I will never, ever stop loving them.

(Wonder where all that came from tonight?)

Good night, Twitterverse. Rest in the arms of your Higher Power. U R loved with an everlasting love. Surrender to that loving Power tonight.

Miracles: A Guest Post from G. Rabanon

2010-10-25T11:00:00.008-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Today I have the great privilege of presenting a guest post by my friend G. Rabanon. You've heard me mention her name before. She was one of the people God used in a powerful way to bring me back into recovery and to begin this period of abstinence and growth in my life for which I am so, so grateful. Enjoy her writing, and please check out her blog and follow her on Twitter!

Hi, my name is G. and I am a recovering bulimic.

*pause*

*crickets*

Hm. I guess that only works for Charlie.

::Hi Charlie!::

*blink*

Um… okay.

Anyway, today, it turns out, I am 300 days abstinent from disordered eating. Charlie asked me a while ago if I'd like to write a guest post. And I was just thinking about him tonight and I figured, eh, no time like 11:22 at night. Sorry, 11:23.

Tonight I want to talk about miracles.

Bulimia is not the beginning of my story, as it is not the beginning of anyone's story. In fact, I came to bulimic behaviors relatively late in life, at least in comparison with a lot of the stories I've heard… though I know comparisons are irrelevant, and I know that in most respects 18 is really quite young… hell, almost 11 years younger than I am now…

I've been bulimic for almost 11 years. Huh.

Well, the other big elements of my story are depression and child abuse. Both go back as far as I can remember. I don't want to make it sound like there were never times when I experienced joy, because that would be a lie… but I have never in my life been happy. Never. Not until now. Not until the age of 28 did I learn what it could mean to be happy. And I could be extremely bitter about that.

Which brings me to the first miracle: I am not bitter.

I was. Oh, believe me, I was plenty plenty bitter for a long long time. I realized when I was 14 that the reason I always felt like there was something wrong with the way Dad hit us was because he wasn't supposed to be hitting us. I realized that probably a big part of why I was always so sad was because of the things that were said and done to me and my mother and my brother and sister in my home. When I left, when I got out and went to college, got a job, went abroad, went to graduate school, the pain followed. The pain never let go. And I was bitter. And I was angry. And I thought that it would never leave me and that I would never be able to have a life that was not torturous. Less than 6 months ago, I had given up. I didn't want to kill myself necessarily, but I said to myself, to my friends, to my teachers, to my therapist, to people in OA meetings, to God, ESPECIALLY to God, that if this was life, then I really really did not want to play anymore. I didn't want to die, to be dead, I just wanted it to stop hurting.

Miracle number two: I am alive.

Here's how it happened… God sent me an angel. I don't mean the cliche winged angel that you see in movies or illustrated Bibles and stained glass windows. I mean angel in the literal, original sense of the word. The word angel, and the Hebrew word מלאך mean "messenger." And that is what God sent me.

He was a teacher of mine. An alcoholic recovering in AA who will, God willing, have 18 years of sobriety this Christmas Eve. I had failed his Talmud class, largely because I had a great deal of difficulty getting out of bed in the morning to get to his class, let alone doing assignments. I spent a great deal of my time sitting or lying in my room with tears streaming down my face for no immediate reason other than the fact that I was in agonizing pain on the inside of my head and heart and nothing seemed to give any relief. I'd already started in OA by then, was abstinent almost 5 months, and so was no longer dulling the pain with food. I'd not intentionally injured myself in about a year and 6 months, had not purged in about 2 years and 2 months, had begun to cut down on my drinking (which had been getting heavier and heavier) and was left with very little in the way of coping mechanisms. I was therefore not coping. This was to be the point of reckoning. This was it. Either I would figure out how to live without hurting myself to get by, or I was going to die. Maybe now, maybe later, but it was going to happen. And I was not optimistic.

I came to speak to my teacher. He had an inkling of what was going on. So he proceeded to tell me a story. There was a time when he was suicidal, he told me. He'd been hospitalized for his alcoholism and suicidal depression. He wanted to speak to a chaplain, but didn't want a rabbi, fearing for his anonymity. All rabbis know each other, you see, one way or another. So he was seen by a priest. The priest listened to him, and then told him "You know, this is all going to make you a better rabbi."

This was the bell that began to wake me. You see, I've heard that line countless times in my life. And I hated… no, really… HATED hearing it. Hated it so so much. Maybe I don't WANT to be a better rabbi! Maybe I would rather be a mediocre rabbi, or even a TERRIBLE rabbi if it meant I could be happy and sane and not want to die!

But suddenly, the words were true. I knew they were. Because the better rabbi was sitting in front of me, looking into my eyes and telling me his story. Because of what he'd been through, he was a better rabbi… indeed, the ONLY rabbi for me in that moment. Because there he was, having been where I'd been, worse places even, and he was sitting exactly where I wanted to end up sitting. Doing just what I wanted to be doing. He'd come through the hell I was in and had not only survived, but had gone on to be what I want to be. He had what I wanted. He'd been able to get there.

Miracle: I was given hope.

No one had ever EVER been able to give me that before. People had always said encouraging things to me, hoping to snap me out of the pit of despair in which I was so accustomed to wallowing. People had said all sorts of things to me, but none had been able to speak to me from a place of understanding, of experience and recovery, who had gotten to where I wanted to be.

A month later, as I was pulling myself together, I had a realization one night. I was sitting alone at home. It was late, just about bedtime. I was online, trying desperately to soothe the gnawing ache of loneliness I was feeling. Nobody loves you, I kept hearing in my head. Nobody wants to hang out with you, no one wants to talk to you, you're alone and nobody loves you. Suddenly, God spoke to me/my rational brain kicked in. However you want to call it. "Ok G," it said. "What is this? Seriously? It's 11:30 at night. There's nowhere you want to go, no one you really want to talk to, and you know for a FACT that there are scores if not hundreds of people who like you, lots of whom really really like you, and a bunch of whom even adore you! So where is this coming from?"

I answered myself.

I hate myself. I'm sitting here and I feel lonely because I am sitting with someone who hates me. If you sit 24 hours every day 7 days every week with someone who hates you, of course you are going to feel lonely, of course you are going to feel like nobody loves you!

It occurred to me that night, for the first time, out of nowhere, that there was this person named G, this person who was well liked and well respected by many, who was someone of whom people said to each other "this is someone you really want to get to know," and here I was closer to her than anybody, and I had no idea who she was. I had the opportunity to be her friend, just like all the cool people, and I'd decided that I didn't like her without even getting to know her.

That was ridiculous.

Miracle: I decided to be friends with me.

I would never willfully treat another person the way I treated myself. And realizing suddenly that I was the only person who was ever going to have to be with me every moment of every day of my life, I HAD to be my own best friend… not because nobody else would, but because I was always going to be there if no one else was at the moment. It just suddenly made sense.

Life has been amazing ever since.

And those are the big miracles of the last six months of my life. I didn't talk very much about the food, but let's face it… it's never really about the food. The food is the door to everything else. The food is, in many ways, the simplest part of this.

I thank God for every moment of every day. The world is full of miracles and beauty. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. When you do the work, miracles, REAL miracles, do actually happen.

Don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens. You miss out on the good stuff that way.

"Don't Water Down To Suit Your Fancy"

2010-10-24T20:03:00.004-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I had a rough, long day. It was the big finale to a rough, long week. It started with a really sad funeral last week and went through a week of a lot of drama and discomfort.

But I'm still here, and I'm still abstinent. This, my friends, is a miracle.

This was my reading and writing assignment for the day. I started reading and writing feeling stressed and irritated that I even had to do it, and I finished with joy and gratitude. I hope you are encouraged tonight, no matter where you are in recovery, no matter how you're feeling, no matter what your path or program of recovery, to stick with this. It's so worth it. It's always worth it.

10c) Don’t Water Down to Suit Your Fancy.

Read BB Preface page xi, paragraph 2; page 58, paragraph 1.

Read Bill W. page 229, paragraph 4 beginning with “If also some” and ending with “life.”

Read Doctor Bob and the Good Old Timers pages 261 top to 262 top ending with “program anymore.”

This reading assignment was very simple today, but so relevant. Today I’ve been frazzled. I’m tired. I really want to go to bed early, and I have a list a mile long of things I want to get done before I go to bed. I left the house at 6 this morning and didn’t get home until 5:30 due to all the commitments I had. I didn’t even begin to think of program commitments like the calls and reading/writing until was driving home, and then I felt overwhelmed by all I had to do. But when I finally sat down to read and write, I get to these very basic thoughts. This program works, if we follow it “as is.” It’s not about picking and choosing the parts that apply to me. Because when I do that, when I get in my head and start trying to “figure it out,” I get crazy. Or maybe I should say the craziness starts to come out to play. Cause I’m always crazy, it’s just that this program of recovery keeps the craziness at bay.

I’ve been telling people on my hook-up calls today that the program works. It has gotten me through a couple of busy, crazy days. Days I would have made exceptions for in the past. Days I would have broken abstinence because of “special circumstances.” I have done that countless times. This program works because I’m still abstinent, 76 days in. I’m still here. Through a weekend retreat with my son where I lost my cell phone along with all my phone numbers. Through a BBQ early on with my band and vocal team at church. Through dinners and lunches out with friends, colleagues and parishioners. Through an all-day retreat in Wichita where I packed my meals in individual sacks and went to the car at each meal to get my brown bag from the cooler to take in and eat with my friends in the cafeteria. Through a somewhat spontaneous lunch today with church friends. Through my wife’s and my anniversary, my birthday, the twins’ birthday. Through band gigs where there was all kinds of free food and beer. All situations where in the past, I would have just HAD to eat… Would have HAD to fudge it just a little. But no, I’m abstinent. Because of this program. Because of all the tools. Because of friends who are in this with me, guiding me and showing me how we work it.

And if it’s worked in these situations, it’ll work in all situations. Thanksgivings and missions trips and conferences. And even at my daughter’s wedding.** And I don’t feel like I’m future-tripping in saying that. I think it feels to me more like surrendering to the reality that this program can and does work in all the situations of life as long as I remain honest, open-minded and willing. And as long as I just keep on doing the next right thing.

**These are all future things my sponsor and I have talked about. In fact, I am always guaranteed a laugh in an OA meeting when I use the following line about my tendency to future-trip:

"I get really panicky sometimes when I think about never having sugar again. How will I ever get through my daughter's wedding without having a piece of her wedding cake?

(beat)

My daughter is nine years old...."

I Watched Addiction Kill Last Week

2010-10-18T08:52:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I watched addiction kill last week.
It left a young woman husbandless.
It left two middle-school boys fatherless.

He had a disease. He could have gotten treatment. He should have gotten treatment. Last week, in his final week in the hospital, he was willing. He was planning to go to rehab. Unfortunately it was too late. He never got better. His organs shut down, one by one. He went into a coma. And then he died.

Alcoholism turned a once-vibrant man, high school football star, life of the party, successful businessman into a yellow, empty shell.

And no, I don't expect a memorial service to be a 12-Step meeting. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy the collective denial we labored through.

He was such a great guy.
He was such a good father.
He was such a loving husband.
He really embraced life.
He wouldn't want us to be sad.
Let's watch this slideshow of happy family memories...

Such bullshit.

How about...

He was so very sick.
Many of us helped him to stay sick.
We thought someone else would finally get through to him.
His sickness kept him from seeing reality, from understanding the real cost of his refusal to get help.
His children will suffer with this for decades.

Addiction killed a 42-year-old man last week. God rest his soul. God heal his family and bring peace, light, hope and recovery.

And may I live in gratitude for the new life I'm finding and in service to those who still suffer. Amen.

Medical Coding Certification Dot Com?

2010-10-14T15:13:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Not sure what this site is all about, but I'm listed there, and it's bringing traffic to my blog, so I'm grateful! Check it out:

50 Best Blogs for Beating Food Addiction

Living the Message = Carrying the Message

2010-10-12T16:52:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Today I want to talk about what the 12th Step talks about: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to [compulsive overeaters], and to practice these principles in all our affairs." I've been thinking about this a lot since Friday night. I was at a concert, and I saw a very obese woman. She was one of the largest people I've ever seen out in public, and it looked like everything she did was difficult. I felt just awful for her, and I wondered what my obligation was/is to help people who are still suffering from the ravages of this disease.

It was still on my mind the next day, so I talked to a friend in OA with 3+ years of abstinence and amazing physical recovery. She had some great things to say, and I started to feel some peace.

Then, amazingly, this was my reading and question on Sunday:

Read Chapter 11 (BB). Discuss and reflect upon the vision God has for you. Discuss at length what this concept means to you: "The answers will come if our own house is in order."

My writing:

I love this chapter, because so much of it is about carrying the message to other people. I have been thinking about the incredible epidemic of compulsive eating all around me. I know I can’t diagnose other people’s illness, but I also know that our disease is under-diagnosed. I have been a compulsive overeater for years and didn’t know it until 2006. I’ve been thinking about this since Friday night. I was at a concert, and I saw a very obese woman in the back row. My heart just broke for her, because I could tell how difficult it was for her to even be there. At least physically. I was happy that she could still get out and about, but I wondered how to carry the message of Overeaters Anonymous to her! In A Vision for You, we read about Bill W. and Doctor Bob and how they carried the message to other desperate alcoholics. There are, of course, corresponding principles. That’s why I’m reading the Big Book! But I don’t know how to reach out to that woman… You can’t just walk up to someone and say, “You look like you could use Overeaters Anonymous,” unless you want to hurt and embarrass someone!

I talked about this with a wise Program friend yesterday, and her thoughts made sense to me. We carry the message by living it. By working the best Program that we can. By surrendering to God, by growing in our conscious contact with God, by releasing excess weight to God (in God’s time), by making calls and going to meetings and doing service… And being ready to share the message when people are ready to hear it, and when we are asked. If we are living the Program, our lives will show it. We will have what people want and when they ask us how we got it, we’ll be ready to tell them.

When the book says, “the answers will come if our own house is in order,” it is in the context of asking God every day what we can do for the person who still suffers. And the answer is just what I’ve been writing about: living a good Program, surrendering to God on a daily basis, working the steps, staying abstinent. Living the message leads to carrying the message.

The amazing coincidence (although I don’t believe it’s coincidence) is that even as I type this, I am getting direct messages on Twitter from a person who discovered my anonymous OA blog… pouring out her heart about... At this very moment… I am living out the message. And now I have this beautiful opportunity to carry the message, to point someone toward the solution. I am so grateful. Here I go!

I ended up talking with that person on the phone and carrying the message that afternoon. Then I was able to do an interview with AllTreatment.com. Then I talked with an old program friend the next evening and hooked her up with a sponsor.

I'm so grateful for a weekend of encountering God, living the message and carrying the message.

AllTreatment Interview

2010-10-11T12:26:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm grateful to be carrying the message of recovery over at AllTreatment today. Check it out!

Pray Where You Are

2010-10-11T09:03:00.001-05:00

Hi, my name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I love music. Music speaks to my soul the way nothing else can. I can't tell you how many times God has broken through to my hard heart, softened up my soul through music. So from time to time I'll share a song that means a lot to me. Back in April, 2009, I shared a Sara Groves song that still moves me to the core. Today, I was reminded of another song while I was talking with my sponsor. I was talking about how I can see God everywhere, how I've experienced God in people and places where I never expected to find God. She said that, for her, that meant that no matter where we are, no matter what situation we find ourselves in, we can turn to God. We can pray.

Here's a favorite song of mine by The Lost Dogs called "Pray Where You Are."

Pray Where You Are
Terry Taylor and The Lost Dogs
from the album "Little Red Riding Hood"

In the submarines and tanks
In the S & Ls and banks
In the cancer wards, the prisons and the bars
On the earth and on the moon
In the closet, in your room
In the flop houses, the think tanks and the farms
To the salesman forever trying to sell
To the faithful daughter walking to the well

Oh, pray where you are
Pray where you are
In the fields and in the factories
There's no limits, rules or boundaries
At work or school or driving in your car
Pray where you are

In the strip joints, in the church
On a desperate lost child search
On the airplanes and the backroads and the rails
On the blacktops, on the beach
Down a sewer and up a creek
In the penthouses, the gulags and the jails
To the criminal with no one left to con
To the movie star whose day has come and gone

To the junkie with his back against the wall
To the lawman as he breaks another law...

In the desert, off the shore
In peacetime and in war
In the pentagon, the court rooms and the malls
In the tents and in the caves
At the truckstops, by the graves
In our hopes and fears and struggles great and small
To the corner bum that no one seems to hear
To the president who prays for four more years

Using the Tools of Recovery

2010-10-09T17:11:00.006-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the tools of recovery. I have been abstinent for two months now, and I don't think I could have done it without the clear structure provided by working the H.O.W. program. We have to use the tools... It's built into our abstinence. Anyway, ironically, my reading/writing assignment today was about the tools, so I thought I'd just post it here...

And I would love to hear from you.

What is your experience with using these tools? Are there things you find especially helpful? Any you find difficult to use? Anything you're confused about? Anything you can help me with?

Discuss and reflect upon the seven tools of your daily recovery.

Abstinence

To me, abstinence is the foundation for my recovery. “Our Invitation To You” puts it this way: “Once we become abstinent, the preoccupation with food diminishes and in many cases leaves us entirely. We then find that, to deal with our inner turmoil, we have to have a new way of thinking, of acting on life rather than reacting to it - in essence, a new way of living. OA defines abstinence as “the action of refraining from compulsive overeating.” Since I’m working the more structured H.O.W. program, my abstinence is even more clearly defined. For me, for today, there’s a lot of freedom in knowing exactly what my abstinence entails.

Telephone

As part of my program, I make every effort to talk live with at least three OA friends (in addition to my daily sponsor call). Sometimes this is a challenge, for sure. Sometimes it actually raises my anxiety, but honestly, that’s usually when I have not planned well and I save it for the last minute. At its best, and when I use it well, this tool connects me to people who are living this Program out one day at a time, people like me who truly understand this disease and are living in recovery. And it doesn’t really matter how well anyone is doing. If I speak to someone who has longer abstinence, more experience, strength and hope than I do, it’s awesome! There’s so much I can learn! I can ask questions and get advice, I can get feedback on how I’m feeling and what I’m doing to work my Program. If I’m stuck on something, I can hear about how someone else got through it. When I talk to H.O.W. members especially, I can get great advice on the particulars of the way we work the Program: questions about eating in restaurants, weighing and measuring, calling people, food plans and stepwork.

If, on the other hand, I find myself talking to someone who isn’t doing well, someone in relapse or someone who is struggling to hit their stride, I can be a light and a help. And it always helps me too. Sometimes I recognize the disease speaking and can help them see that, and I can always use that as a reminder to me to be vigilant in my Program.

Sponsoring

I have never had the privilege of sponsoring anyone, but I am very grateful for my sponsor. I am grateful for the clarity I hear in her voice and the great experience, strength and hope she is able to share with me.

Meetings

Meetings are the “front door” to Overeaters Anonymous in a lot of ways. (Well, for me the OA website was the front door.) Meetings are a great place to see recovery right in front of my eyes. Just like phone calls… I hear recovery and learn from others. I can also be of service. I think that full meetings are always really encouraging to everyone in the room, so just attending a meeting can be a great service to the people in the room. Sometimes – on a negative note – the meetings probably seem totally confusing and foreign to newcomers. We have a whole language of recovery, a “liturgy” of sorts. We recite things together. We stand up. We hold hands. We read stuff. We “testify.” So I think it’s important to explain things. To welcome people in and walk them through the experience of being new.

Service

I am grateful for the ways that people in the Program have served me. By being at the meetings. By sponsoring me! By writing the literature, developing the website, publishing the materials. By taking my calls and calling me! By reading my blog and commenting and writing their own blogs! By connecting with me on Twitter. Service keeps me abstinent. No doubt in my mind. I want to stay abstinent. For me. For all who have served and loved me. It’s a wonderful cycle. You serve me. I serve you.

Literature (include writing and burning)

For the last 60 days or so I’ve been reading the AA Big Book and 12 & 12 and then answering questions. It’s been an incredibly eye-opening experience for me. And then reading my writing to my sponsor and getting her feedback has been even more eye-opening. She helps me to see the places I’m just a little “crazy.” (She would say she can just hear the disease talking sometimes.) I actually had to look up the concept of “burning.” I guess some people are encouraged to burn their writing when they’re done writing it. I think that’s a little crazy! I really value being able to look back, see where I was and where I am. That may be one of the reasons I love blogging so much. I was a completely different person 2-3 years ago.

As far as OA literature goes, I don’t have a lot of experience with it. I have read through the “Brown Book” several times. When I was the secretary of a meeting in California, we used that every week for our readings. In my current meetings, the leader usually chooses a topic and we read related readings out of “For Today” or something similar. Honestly, though, I prefer some of the more basic material. I think it’s so good, just to go back to the basics again and again. “How It Works” in the AA Big Book. “Our Invitation To You” in the Brown Book. These are classic texts that always challenge and encourage me. The last few meetings I’ve led, I’ve had us reading pamphlets: “Tools of Recovery” and “A Plan of Eating.” I think sometimes we read a lot of touchy-feely stuff (which is good and important), but we ignore the basics and people do not get the chance to hear how the Program actually works.

Anonymity

Anonymity is a challenging tool. I don’t think I completely understand it, but I’m grateful for it. On one level, it’s about my safety to share without fear of being “outed” as a compulsive overeater. On another level, it’s about the fact that in the rooms, we’re all on equal footing. It doesn’t matter if you’re a doctor, trash collector, CEO, lunch lady, lawyer or gas station attendant, we all just compulsive overeaters. On yet another level, anonymity helps us place “principles before personalities.” Our experience, strength and hope speaks for itself. The principles, traditions and steps of this Program are what we follow, not people.

With Gratitude

2010-10-08T05:45:00.006-05:00

Hi. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have been reflecting on my two months of abstinence in the Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. program. I have so much gratitude for where I am today.

On August 2, I wrote this post. It was basically moaning and whining and complaining. I was so angry, so resentful. I was a victim. I was hopeless and helpless.

A couple of days later, my blogger friend G. Rabanon (@RecoveringinOA on Twitter) reached out to me via email. I've asked her if I can share her email, because it was a life-changer for me. God used it, along with a phone call from the woman who is now my sponsor, to get me back to an O.A. meeting where I found a sponsor - that very day - and surrendered to this structured plan of recovery.

Here's G.'s [slightly abridged] email:

"Hi!

Looks like you've got a serious case of the "fuck it"s. It's ok, it happens to all of us. I understand losing your willingness. It's a horrible feeling...

You made the distinction, Charlie, between a slip and a relapse. Well, let me tell you, there is no difference. Know why? Because all any of us has is Today, This Moment, Right Now. There's no such thing as relapse, there is just "Are you slipping now? How about now? What about now? Did you slip now? You gonna slip now?" Every moment that you don't slip, you are abstinent. When you slip, you lose that abstinence. You need to make a decision, Charlie. From this moment (if you are eating something not abstinent right now, stop. Just stop. Now. Just for this moment STOP!) you are abstinent. You are abstinent RIGHT NOW as you are reading this. The decision you have to make RIGHT NOW Charlie, is to NOT LOSE YOUR ABSTINENCE RIGHT NOW. Just for this moment. And now the moment has passed. And now in this moment, DO NOT LOSE YOUR ABSTINENCE! Just for this moment... and now the moment has passed. That is all you have to do Charlie. And it is so hard not to string the time together and lose track and lose sight of each individual minute, but that is what we have to do. We who suffer from the disease of addiction have to remember moments like other "normal" people can get away with ignoring. Sometimes it really really sucks. But you know... I think overall it's a blessing. How many Normals routinely make the effort to experience every minute of their lives and to be grateful for it? Our lives depend on it. In that sense, we are the lucky ones.

I'm with you Charlie, and so is God. God loves you even when you forget to take His hand. He's still reaching out to you. And when you have one hand in mine and one hand in God's, you have no free hands to pick up.

I wish you an abstinent weekend and look forward to hearing from you. :)

-g"

Today I celebrate the 12th Step - "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive overeaters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs" - with great gratitude to G. and to my sponsor. And to anyone else who carries the message by reading or commenting here on my blog, calling or emailing me, or sharing in O.A. meetings. You all are awesome, and I am so grateful for you.

Freedom from the Insanity of the Scale

2010-10-07T13:53:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

As I approach 60 days of H.O.W. abstinence, I have been reflecting a lot on where I'm at now, emotionally, spiritually and physically.Today I'm especially grateful that, as I surrender my life and my will to God's care, I am being freed from the insanity of compulsive weighing.

I have been using a website called Skinnyr for the past several years to track my weight. You can set it up to just click a button and record your weight for the day, and then it creates a graph for you. Now, believe me, I am well aware of the dangers of a site like this (especially a site with a name focusing on the word skinny), but I guess I'm looking at it as an instrument or a tool. In and of itself, it's a neutral thing that can be used in healthy or unhealthy ways, just like a scale.

As I look back on my graph over the past three years (I started keeping track on October 13, 2007), I am struck by how obvious the progression of my disease is! The ups and downs, the desperate attempts to control my food and my weight. I got on that crazy scale at least twice a day - morning and night. I let it control me. I would get on it sometimes 4-5 times in a single day, seeing how different things affected it. Was I lighter after I worked out? After I got out of the shower? After I went to the bathroom? After I fasted for half a day?

And no matter how I tried to control my eating, no matter how "successful" I was at losing weight for a period of time, I always found myself binging again. I always lost control. My addiction always kicked my ass. My "high" weights kept getting higher and higher. It's not hard to imagine where I might have ended up without intervention.

Yesterday I looked at the graph and realized that I'm not afraid. Today I'm not concerned about my weight or my body. I'm confident that my weight and the shape of my body will take care of itself as I surrender myself to God. A huge part of that is surrendering my compulsivity around weighing myself. I hide the scale so I'm not tempted. I weigh once a month, on the 19th. I like the graph for the last couple of months. Slow, steady, healthy weight loss. Not my frantic weighing, changing what I ate and how I lived from day to day in a ridiculous attempt to force the scale to reflect what my sick mind wanted so badly to see... No. Now it's a reflection of a transformation. A spiritual awakening. A surrendering to God's good plans for me.

I still feel anxious sometimes. I want to weigh myself. I want to see "how I'm doing," and then I remember that what I weigh is really none of my damn business. I give myself, body and soul, to my God today, to build with me and to do with me as God will. I surrender. And I'm finding peace and recovery, one day at a time.

One more thing: I don't want to come across like I'm all better. I'm still a sick man. I'm still a compulsive overeater, as I try to remind myself and all my readers with every introduction. I could slip this afternoon. I am always one choice away from relapse. But for today, I am so, so grateful for 59 days of abstinence and for peace, clarity and freedom.

The Beautiful Freedom of Structure

2010-10-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm coming up on 60 days of abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous following the H.O.W. structure, and I've been feeling a lot of gratitude. Today I feel real freedom: freedom from compulsive thinking and behavior related to food and eating; freedom from the insanity of weight gains and losses and gains and losses; freedom from compulsively weighing myself; freedom from worrying about my body, my weight, my size, my appearance. Even freedom from fear about the future. For the first time I can remember, I know exactly what to do next in this program. I used to flounder around, wondering what that "next right step" was. I used to avoid calling people in the Program. I would read Program literature, but I was not willing to really do any stepwork. I had a couple of sponsors, but my relationships with them were halfhearted. I never had much direction, and I never asked for much.

Today I know what to do next. Have I done my reading/writing assignment today? Have I talked with three other OA members? Have I planned my food for tomorrow? Do I have the right food in the house? Have I packed my food for lunch tomorrow or made other arrangements? Have I talked to my sponsor? There's no guesswork.

I know to some this will sound crazy. I know this level of structure is not for everyone. But for me, for today, it's working. I'm so grateful.

Some More H.O.W. Information

2010-09-30T16:56:00.004-05:00

Charlie here, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just got this information from my sponsor and thought I would pass it along. I plan to do one of these phone meetings, just to experience it, in the near future. I hope you'll join me.

OA-HOW Phone Meeting Information
Great OA-HOW Information Site

More About My H.O.W. Program

2010-09-27T22:09:00.002-05:00

Good evening, friends! My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Last week I posted general information about the H.O.W. program. Today I'll post some more specific information, including how *I* work the program on a day to day basis.

It's important to remember that this is just one man's program. I don't want to imply that this is the right way to do it or that I've got my act all together. I am grateful for the structured approach that H.O.W. gives me, because nothing else was working for me. Another point I want to make is that so much depends upon one's sponsor. As I described in this post, I really believe God brought me into this program at this time in my life and matched me with just the right sponsor. It was an amazing experience of "right time, right place," and everything sort of fell into place. My sponsor has stressed to me that one cannot give what one does not have, so she is big on giving me the program the way it was given to her. She's a follower of the H.O.W. structure, and so I am too.

The "guidelines" I agree to in order to work with my sponsor...

See a nutritionist or medical professional to decide upon a food plan. I had a "temporary" food plan that everyone is given until we can see the nutritionist.
Plan food in advance, commit that food to my sponsor every morning - on the phone - at a predetermined time.
Do daily reading in the AA Big Book or 12 & 12. Write based on questions that are given to me. (These are the questions that guide me through the Steps.) Share my writing with my sponsor every morning when I call her to commit my food.
Call in all food changes to a sponsor. For instance, if I need to change something... Maybe I realize I don't have what I thought I had or the salad has gone bad... I can't just switch. I have to get my sponsor or another H.O.W. sponsor on the phone and get that change approved. This keeps me from making decisions on a whim. There needs to be a good reason. I can't be making my own decisions about food.
I agree to weigh and measure all my food. Even in restaurants.
I had to agree not to eat in any restaurants for the first 30 days.
I agree to talk live on the phone with at least three other OA members every day. We call these "hook up calls" or "outreach calls."
I agree to only weigh myself once a month.
I think many H.O.W. members attend more than one meeting per week. My sponsor is OK with my going to only one per week. I attend a Saturday morning face to face meeting. But she encourages me to try O.A.-H.O.W. phone meetings. One of these evenings I plan to.

I was overwhelmed at first. I thought there was no way to do this, but I have found, one day at a time, that it's possible. It's more than possible. It's a new way of life. And it's bringing me life.

I will not give anyone the food plan, because I don't want anyone to make the mistake of trying to use this structure like a diet. All the parts are important, and it's NOT just about weight loss, although that's a great piece of it. We are all about spiritual, emotional and physical recovery. Sponsors are happy to get you started with a food plan.

And now I have to go to sleep so I can be up to read and write at 5:30am! I hope this is helpful to someone. I am not ready to sponsor yet, but I might be able to hook you up with a sponsor... Let me know if I can help. You can call (see the link on the right), email or comment here on the blog.

Humbling/Sad

2010-09-24T12:21:00.003-05:00

My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

God help us... (Click to enlarge.)

(via Dying to Eat: A Graphical View of U.S. Obsesity)

H.O.W. F.A.Q.

2010-09-23T18:54:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends... My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've had a few people asking about about H.O.W. Here is a helpful F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions) from the HOW/OA Northern California Intergroup:

What is Overeaters Anonymous?

O.A. is a fellowship of men and women who meet to share their Experience, Strength and Hope.

What is its purpose?

To help ourselves, and others, who suffer from the self-destruction of compulsive eating.

What is HOW/OA?

Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. meetings have been formed to offer the compulsive overeater who accepts the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as a Program of Recovery a disciplined and structured approach. The HOW/OA program is formed in the belief that our disease is absolute, and therefore only absolute acceptance of the OA Program will offer any sustained abstinence to those of us whose compulsion has reached a critical level.

What does HOW stand for?

Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness

Is HOW/OA part of Overeaters Anonymous?

Yes. HOW/OA is a subgroup of OA. It is considered a special focus group that offers a structured approach at working the 12 Steps of OA.

How do I begin?

We encourage newcomers to go to a meeting and get a sponsor. A sponsor is the newcomer's guide during their first thirty days and a continuing helping hand in their recovery program.

How much is the cost for membership?

There are no dues or fees for membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. Contributions are optional. Newcomers are encouraged not to contribute for their first three meetings.

Do you have to be overweight to be a member of OA?

No. Obesity is just one of the many symptoms of the deadly disease of compulsive eating. It is not how much we weigh or even how much we eat or don't eat that brings us to OA. It is the ways in which we have desperately tried to control our food, eating and weight.

Do we have a diet?

No! O.A. is not a diet club. However, O.A. H.O.W. does have a food plan.

What is the differentce between OA and OA/HOW?

HOW members are rigorous in our adherence to the food plan as it is written. It is what works for us. However, we urge all newcomers to consult with their health care professional. Any modifications of the plan by your doctor will certainly be acceptable.

How do I change myself?

Your recovery is targeted at three levels - Spiritual, Physical and Emotional.

Is OA a religious group?

No! It aims at spiritual growth, but it is not limited to any sect or denomination. It is open to all who want recovery.

What if I have only a little weight to lose?

The amount does not matter- what does matter is that you are eating compulsively and you need help!

What is compulsive eating?

A compulsion is an irresistible urge to do an irrational act. If you over eat or under eat to try to satisfy an emotion such as loneliness or anger, and are overweight or underweight as a consequence, then you are a compulsive eater.

What happens at meetings?

You will hear positive shares from recovering food addicts about their successes in their every day living. How they applied the “tools” to their lives and became able to cope with distressing events without eating compulsively. People will demonstrate that positive thinking and actions are statements of growth and recovery and are examples of living in the solution rather than in the problem. Dwelling in the problem is a symptom of our disease.

What do I have to do to start?

Come to a meeting, relax and listen. You will not be asked to talk. You will merely introduce yourself. The rest is up to you. There will be many people able and willing to answer your questions. Don’t forget-we all started exactly the same way.

Does the program really work?

You bet your life it works! At a meeting you will hear many success stories. Not only will you be recovered to a normal weight, but you will gain a great deal of serenity and clarity that will amaze you! Many of us came to H.O.W. to get to a normal weight, that our first and primary goal. In the beginning it was our focus, but we soon came to discover the Twelve Step Program offers so much more!

Happy Birthday To Me

2010-09-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's my birthday today, September 22. I'm 39 now. I'm grateful to be alive, grateful to be abstinent. I'm grateful for my beautiful wife and kids. I'm grateful for my sponsor and the life-giving structure of the OA-HOW program. I'm grateful for my good friends, both inside and outside the world of 12-Step recovery.

I'm a very blessed man. Thank you, God.

Yesterday morning I had a really cool experience with trusting God and finding willingness... We had a staff meeting in the morning, and my administrative assistant made cinnamon rolls and banana bread to celebrate my birthday! I thanked her profusely and told her I wouldn't be eating any... She smiled and pulled out what she had prepared especially for me, since she had noticed I was being careful with my food... peeled hard-boiled eggs and fruit salad... kiwi, strawberries, grapes. It was a lovely, thoughtful gesture.

I ran back to my office and tweeted my concern to the world... just to get it out there... My good friend @RecoveringinOA provided some immediate feedback and support, so that was cool... And I survived. No hard feelings. My assistant understood and was really cool about it.

These are the little things that get me worked up sometimes... But I know I am in the hands of a loving God. I know that as I surrender to God, one day at a time... sometimes one moment at a time, God will take care of me and provide everything I need.

Grateful.

A Quick Check-In

2010-09-15T16:52:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Taking a cue from my friend G. Rabanon, I thought I'd drop by with a quick check-in, even though I'm hella busy. (Love that expression. It's so Oakland.) So, bullet points:

I'm on Day 37 of abstinence with the OA-HOW structure.
I'm busy with work, seminary, program work, bills/budget stuff, phone calls, meetings, and of course my beautiful wife and kiddos.
I started having some serious cravings yesterday... Mexican, Italian, cheese, chocolate. I wrote about it this morning... I'm OK. I'll get through.
I remembered a little bit ago that I had a dream last night where I lost my abstinence! I ate a handful of chocolate candies, not even thinking about it... and then I was like "Shit! I just ate chocolate!" I immediately felt (in my dream) such shame and guilt... This horrible feelingin the pit of my stomach. Relapse. That ugly word. I was thinking of how I would tell my sponsor, of the 35 days of abstinence that I had just flushed down the toilet. Very interesting.

And now I must go to choir practice! Adios!

Belief and Unbelief

2010-09-13T13:53:00.001-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

In my daily program work, I've been reading and answering questions about the first three steps. It's been bringing up some really interesting and, I think, important stuff for me. Here's a "balance sheet" I had to create, listing all the reasons I could think of for believing in God and all the reasons I could think of for not believing in God. I think it was a really good exercise, and I'm still thinking about these things a couple of weeks later...

I believe in God because of my own personal experiences with God. I have especially fond memories of 2002-2005, the early years of my coming into the light with my other addiction. I have never experienced so much light and hope. I experienced God in many profound, personal experiences… In prayer and meditation, in reading scripture, in listening to music and reading books. I also experienced God through God’s people… my sisters and brothers in Christ who loved me and listened to me and helped me. I experienced grace as I told my story and time after time found acceptance, forgiveness and affirmation. I was overwhelmed with God’s love. All of the fear of God was gone. Just the gratitude and acceptance remained.

Sometimes I don’t believe in God because I don’t feel God’s presence in my life. I still am tempted by things that I wish would be long behind me. If I felt God’s presence in my home of California, surrounded by loving friends who really knew me and my family, it’s harder to feel God in “the wilderness,” wondering when I’ll really feel close to someone. I'm really missing my good friends from California. I thought God led us to move away from that community and church, but I have severe doubts about it sometimes now.

I believe in God because so many reasonable, faithful, intelligent, trustworthy women and men do. They convince me again and again with their words and, more importantly, with their lives.

Sometimes I doubt God because so many rational, kind, thoughtful, moral people are agnostics or atheists. Many have left the faith. I spent a season not too long ago journeying with three people who had left my evangelical or Christian faith for agnosticism or atheism: Julia Sweeney, in her one-woman show “Letting Go of God,” David Bazan’s album “Curse Your Branches” and Bart Ehrman’s “God’s Problem.” As I read, watched and listened to their words, I grew more and more convinced that they just might be right.

I believe in God for the “big reasons”: I believe there has to be some kind of “first cause.” I believe there has to be some kind of intelligent designer. I believe there is something greater than us out there. I believe there has to be some “true north,” some ultimate moral compass that all people acknowledge.

I see that every “big reason” I have for believing in God can be explained away philosophically. I think that’s why faith is so important. At some point I have to take a leap of faith. It’s not all going to make sense.

I believe in God because of what I see in God’s absence: hatred, fear, addiction, all our character defects and individuals and groups.

Sometimes I doubt God’s existence because I see the ugliness that religion and religious people have brought into this world. Religion is not exempt from evil. And I see good in people who have no belief in God. This doesn’t cause me to seriously doubt though. If God is real, then his goodness can come through anyone, whether they believe or not.

I believe in God because of the grandeur of nature on a large scale: oceans, mountains, plains, the Grand Canyon. I believe in God because of the intricacy of nature on a small scale: cells, atoms, insects and amoebas.

Sometimes I doubt the existence of God precisely because of nature. Evolution and billions of years of erosion, etc. really can account for just about everything I see.

I believe in God because I see God’s image in so many people – and because so many of those people look nothing like me. Every tribe, every tongue, every nation giving glory to God in their own beautifully diverse ways.

Sometimes I don’t believe in God because of the diversity of belief in God. Surely if God were real, he/she/it could be more clear in its revelation.

I believe in God because I’ve heard so many miracle stories. Hell, I've experienced and told those miracle stories!

Sometimes I don’t believe in God because those miracle stories turn out to be lies. And any supposed miracle can be a coincidence.

I believe in God because I’ve experienced God in a crazy collection of letters, prophetic writings, songs, histories, stories written by dozens of people over thousands of years and preserved for millennia.

Sometimes I doubt God’s existence because the Holy Scriptures are basically a jumbled mess. Are we Christians imposing a metanarrative on the text?

I believe in God because something deep inside me knows God is there.

I always thought I had been given the spiritual gift of faith: that no matter what, I would have a deep down, bedrock belief in God. Then I started to doubt. It was scary. I lost that assurance. Feelings aren’t fact.

I believe in God because I want God to be true so badly. It’s like God is too good NOT to be true. The bible teaches that each person has “eternity in our heart,” set there by God, to lead us to Him. I see that in my own life and countless others.

As I say to my sponsor every day after reading my writing to her: The End.

Doing Whatever It Takes - And Gratitude for a Great Weekend

2010-09-12T22:24:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just wanted to take a moment and express my gratitude for another great week in recovery. I've continued to work my HOW program, committing my food every day, reading AA literature and writing answers to questions. I call three people every day. And I get to a meeting every week.

I had a really wonderful weekend with my oldest son. On Thursday night I had a gig with my band, and I talked him into coming with me. Of course, this was only a cover for my real plan... We left the gig, and instead of going home, I started driving in the other direction entirely! I had already packed the car with clothes and everything we would need for our time together.

Eventually he figured out that it was taking us a long, long time to get home. We ended up at a big beautiful lake house owned by some friends in my church. We stayed there two nights, rented a jet ski, jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the lake... and then ended our time with a ride in a friend's airplane! It was amazing. Such a wonderful time of bonding.

I'm amazed and grateful that I have friends with resources to allow me to give my son a great experience like this. And I'm so, so grateful that I had the willingness to go to any lengths to keep my abstinence.

I committed and packed all my food for the weekend in advance. When I got the the lake, there was no wi-fi anywhere... but cell reception was fine. Great. I could call my sponsor. I could make my program calls. I'd be OK.

And then my phone got wet on the jet ski... and died. Perfect.

You know what? I was able to pray (I actually said the serenity prayer on the spot) and then just turn it over. I began to think about how I was going to connect with my sponsor at our appointed time the next day. I didn't even have her phone number, because it's stored in my cell phone. But I DO have her email address in my computer, even though there was no wi-fi. So after driving through the neighborhood looking for wi-fi to "borrow" and finding none, I called my wife on the lake house's land line, gave her my sponsor's email and asked her to email on my behalf. I asked her to ask my sponsor to call me on the lake house's line in the morning. What a pain!

And then in the morning my phone was all dried out and worked fine. Thank God!

I'm just so glad that I didn't go to the food, and I didn't give up. I prayed, I surrendered, and I did my best... and God did God's part, and it all came together.

And it was an amazing weekend. I'm so grateful.

Revelation Song

2010-09-05T15:42:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's Sunday afternoon, and I had a really wonderful time in church this morning. I was especially moved leading and singing a song called "Revelation Song." Here's a Youtube clip of Kari Jobe singing it with Gateway Church in Austin. I'll post the lyrics too, because they are very moving to me... the majesty and power of God. So many contemporary worship songs treat God like a buddy. And there is some truth and comfort in the idea that God is right here with me, a friend who is closer than anyone else. I'm glad I can celebrate a God like that. But it is also important to remember that God is above us, all-powerful and, in many ways, unknowable. It is right for us to approach God with a sense of awe, wonder and reverence. I think this song gets that aspect of worship right.

For those unfamiliar with Christian worship, this may seem really weird, and rightly so. It's like a rock concert mixed with a church service mixed with a little tent-revival Pentacostalism. My church isn't nearly as over-the-top emotive, rock-show spectacular or... well, loud. But we do believe that when we gather together, something special happens. We really experience the presence and the power of the living God. And, although I often struggle with the balance between performance and worship, today was - for me - a great morning.

(And - just for the record - this is only one teeny-tiny little glimpse into what Christian worship is all about. One song in one church. For many Christians, this would be unrecognizable. In Protestant Evangelicalism, anyway, there are as many styles of worship as there are churches, for better or for worse.)

Kari Jobe is a really wonderful writer and singer. You may not worship and follow Jesus like I do, but I hope you can at least catch a glimpse of your Higher Power in this song.

Revelation Song
Written by Jennie Lee Riddle

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
To You, the only wise King

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus, Your name is power, breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

(c) 2004 Gateway Create Publishing

::EDIT:: I'm frustrated that I can't get the video embedded correctly. If you watch it here, it cuts off on the side. Oh well, if you wanna see it, you can click through to Youtube. :)

My Wordle

2010-09-03T23:48:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I thought this was pretty cool... Wordle.net creates a graphic representation of your blog or Twitter stream or whatever. Try it for yourself!

Spiritual and Emotional Recovery

2010-08-30T05:50:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm up early, writing on the concept of dependence for my sponsor. I need to call her in 10 minutes or so, but I thought I'd take a moment and post.

Today marks Day 21. I can't believe it. Thank You, God, for three weeks' abstinence in this program. I absolutely could not be doing this in my own strength.

I know it's not about the weight. Really, I do. But I was happy last night when my wife came home from being with some friends and mentioned that they were all noticing and asking about my weight loss. I haven't been on a scale in a while, so I don't even know how much I've lost, but it must be starting to show. I'm up in front of people a lot, so they have a lot of opportunities to notice.

************************************

Just got off the phone with my sponsor; she and I talked about this weight loss comment and how to react to it. We've talked a lot about focusing on the emotional and spiritual recovery rather than the physical. But how does the average person notice that in my life? It would have been amazing last night if those women had said, "Charlie seems so serene and purposeful these days... What's different?" But that's not likely to happen. Society focuses on the outside.

I'm reminded of 1 Samuel 16:7. God is guiding his prophet, Samuel, as Samuel discerns Israel's next king. God says to Samuel: "Do not consider his appearance or his height.... The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

I'm going to ask some people who are close to me - my wife, in particular, but also some program friends who never see me at meetings - to help me in this regard. To help me stay focused on my spiritual and emotional recovery. I will have plenty of help staying focused on the weight.

Alive and Well

2010-08-29T20:49:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I haven't posted in a while. Just busy. Nothing's wrong, thank God! I am still abstinent. Almost three weeks in the H.O.W. regimen now.

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, so I'll keep it short. I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm alive and well.

Goodnight. :)

Happy, Joyous and Free

2010-08-24T15:01:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I feel pretty good today. I woke up at 5:30, read the AA Big Book and wrote on Step 2. I called my sponsor at 6:00, committed today's food to her and read her my writing. I have gotten in two program calls so far, and I have eaten two abstinent meals. I have been more present at work, and I feel good here at the end of my workday... Like I've been worth the money they pay me.

You know something else? My shirt feels looser today. It's the same one I wore Saturday night, and it seemed a little tight then. But today it feels comfortable. Am I slimming down? I haven't been on a scale this week (and I won't weigh again until September 19), but I think I've lost a little weight.

It is at this stage of the game that I normally start to rationalize sneaking food, cheating "just a little" on my food plan, larger portions, etc. I have a tendency to sabotage the work that my Higher Power wants to do in and for me.

Not today. For today, I continue to surrender. I will follow the steps laid out for me to follow. With the Holy Spirit of God as my guide, comforter and strength, I will stay abstinent today. And more than that, I will recover. And more than that, I will live as I was created to live: Happy, joyous and free.

Hello?

2010-08-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm feeling angry today. I am calling people left and right. For a week now I've been making 3+ live outreach calls a day. Sometimes it's awkward. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes I can just be there for a friend in need, and sometimes people are there for me. Sometimes it's more like "Hello? Just checking in. How are you doing today? OK. Bye." Check. One down, two to go.

I guess my frustration is toward those people in program who don't call back! I have only received calls from two people out of all the people I've tried to call. I have some long-distance recovery friends. They call (THANK YOU!), but the local ones never do. Am I that scary? Do you not make outreach calls?

I think that's it. The phone is one of the tools which is rarely used. I know from experience how hard it is to call. I'm facing it every day, and honestly I'm probably only making some of these calls because I have to. But come on, people. A little reciprocation would make my day.

"I find sometimes it's easy to be myself..."

2010-08-22T00:12:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I sing with a local cover band. Tonight we played for four hot, exhausting hours (outdoor stage, middle America, middle of August) at a Mexican restaurant. I *do* love singing with this band, because I really love to sing/perform and I also really need the cash.

(Aside: I was recently accused of singing with this band "just for the money" by someone in my church who was concerned I was losing my focus on God. Does this person have any idea how little money local musicians gigging in restaurants actually make? Please.)

Anyway, I knew tonight would be a set-up on a couple different levels. First of all, they always give us lots of free food and drinks. Now I love a good beer as much as the next guy, but - at least for today - alcohol is not in my food plan because of its sugar content. And oh, the tacos and nachos and burritos! It's like the Holy Trinity of food!

But I was OK. I knew I would be... but I checked in with a program friend, texting between sets, just to make sure. I drank my free Diet Cokes with gusto and said a polite "no thanks" whenever the server came around with food.

The other challenge to me in a setting like that is far more insidious. I tend to start thinking about what I look like vs. what I think a lead singer in a band should look like. I don't really measure up. I can sing, let me tell you, and I'm pretty good at the "performing" part of it too... Saying the right things, getting the crowd up and dancing, etc. But that's where I get tripped up too. When I'm performing, I don't know how to just be myself. What is this elusive "myself" anyway?

I texted the aforementioned program friend, who assured me, "A lead singer of a band looks like YOU!" That was cool. And, apparently it's true. Because tonight the lead singer of our band looked an awful lot like me.

The title of tonight's post comes from a Dave Matthews Band song that I sang tonight, "So Much To Say." I had just read my friend's text when I sang these lyrics:

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself.
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else..

I don't know if I found it easy tonight, but I was at least reminded that I'm OK the way I am, that my body isn't out of place on the stage. That no one is distracted by my 50 pounds of excess weight. Well, at least not distracted like I am.

And the whole "better to be somebody else" thing... Well, part of that is my job as a performer. I have to be bigger than life and move around and at least TRY to look comfortable, even when I'm not. It's a fine line.

I didn't like my shirt tonight. It was a little too snug for my comfort... I want to be able to move freely and dance, and I do... but tonight I felt a little constricted. Note to self: Find a comfortable shirt to wear tomorrow. (We have another gig tomorrow afternoon.)

I'm up way too late. I have to be up at 5:30 (in just five hours!) to prepare for church. I've already packed a snack for tomorrow mid-morning, since I'm going to have a long stretch between my breakfast at 5:30 and my lunch at noon. Then I'll dash home, make lunch, put on clothes for the show, then get to the gig and play for three hours... Then at 4:00, I'll pack up and head to the church again, where I'll do reading and writing to prepare for my phone call with my sponsor at 5:30. Then another church meeting at 6. Then I'll go home and crash.

I'll try to sneak in three program calls in the midst of all that chaos. Think anyone will pick up?

(Aside: That three-calls-a-day requirement actually brings more anxiety into my life than the food plan! Especially if people are not picking up their phones... I'm grateful for the three who picked up today after I called probably eight people and left messages. When I *do* get on the phone, I'm always thankful... It's just the weight of having to make the calls that brings the anxiety.)

I am so grateful for you, my program friends, who love me and support me. I am grateful for a Higher Power who created me, loves me and desires the best for me. I am grateful that I get to partner with God to bring about His will on this earth. I am grateful for a voice to sing and opportunities to use it, both vocationally and recreationally.

I am grateful for a home (my very own home!), a loving wife and four amazing kids. I get a lump in my throat when I think of this sweet family, all sleeping soundly under this roof in the silence at 12:38am.

I will rest tonight, knowing that I am in the loving hands of God. Goodnight!

I'm So Beautiful

2010-08-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I don't know how "beautiful" I feel today, but maybe it's time to announce to the world that I am the humbled and grateful recipient of the "Beautiful Blogger Award" from The Binge Diary.

Now, the rules of the award are as follows:

1. I must tell you 7 things about myself that you do not already know.

2. I get to pass on this award to 7 beautiful bloggers that I follow regularly.

So, without any further ado:

1. I have recently switched my favorite soda/pop. For decades, I've been a Diet Coke man. Now, inexplicably, I'm drinking a lot of Diet A&W Root Beer. Love it. And no caffeine, right? It's practically a health drink. :)

2. In my house, I'm responsible for the dishes. My wife does the laundry. We share the rest. It makes things a lot simpler.

3. We have two pets in our house... a Bearded Dragon and a Holland Lop. One of my sons is allergic to dogs and cats.

4. I have a brother and a sister. I'm the oldest at 38. My sister is 35, and my brother is 30.

5. I love grammar, and I almost pursued a degree in English. In fact, I was an English major for a year before a music professor convinced me to change my major to Music Education. I graduated from college in 1995 with a Music Ed. degree, voice emphasis.

6. I have over 18,000 songs on my iPod. I know, I know... No, I didn't purchase all of them. Many are ripped from my vast CD collection, many are legit purchases, many are special freebies I found online, also legit, and many are plain old, flat-out illegal downloads or ripped from friends or the library. I suppose I'll have to deal with that in my stepwork.

7. I have read the Harry Potter series many times. I've read books 1-4 four times, book 5 two-and-a-half times, book 6 twice and book 7 once. Why? I discovered the series myself after book 4 had come out, so I read them all to myself. Then I read them aloud to my oldest son. He and I read book 5 together. Then I read books 1-5 aloud to my middle son. While I was doing that, book 6 came out, and I read it aloud to my oldest son. Then I read it again to my middle son, then book 7 came out, so I read it aloud to my two older sons. Now I'm reading the whole series to my twins, and we're on book five. ::Whew::

And here are some beautiful bloggers you should follow too...

1. My Brain, Anonymous
2. Recovering Anorexic
3. A 40-Something Fool's Journey
4. Confessions of a (Recovering) Compulsive Overeater
5. Down in Sunny San Diego
6. Thank God It's Lunch Time
7. RecoveryDiscovery

Day Ten - Structure, Structure, Structure

2010-08-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I keep trying to start this post, but I don't have much to say. And I have so, so much to say.

I'm ten days into this new abstinence, and I feel so overwhelmed by the demands of the H.O.W. structure. Every day I read program literature and do stepwork, plan my food in advance, talk to my sponsor for 15-30 minutes every day at 6:00am and talk to three additional program friends.

Yes, that's a lot. But I feel so grateful, too, because - one day at a time - I'm doing it. With the help of my sponsor, my program friends, my online recovery community, my F2F meetings, my supportive wife and kids, I'm doing it. In the love and grace and strength and power of my Higher Power, I'm doing it.

Today when I talked to my sponsor and other people on the phone, our conversations centered on the scale. My sponsor reminded me that in H.O.W. we only weigh once a month. I think I might die, but I've committed to that as another requirement of my sponsoring relationship, and if I weigh again before September 19, I've lost my abstinence. So how do you focus on recovery - spiritual, emotional AND physical - instead of weight loss? I'm starting to catch glimpses of how to do this. But I know it will be a challenge.

Time to read more Harry Potter to my kids... I have 8-year-old twins, and we're getting close to the end of The Order of the Phoenix. Love these books! Then tuck them in, plan my food for tomorrow and hit the hay. Oh, and try to connect with one more person on the phone before tomorrow morning.

This getting up at 5:30 EVERY MORNING is killing me. And it's so good for me.

And Away We Go

2010-08-10T14:27:00.000-05:00

Hi, Everyone. Charlie here, a grateful recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Well, I did it. I called my sponsor this morning at 6:00. We talked for about 30 minutes. I gave her my food for the day and we talked about my writing. Perhaps even more incredible, I was up at 5:30.

And I'm planning to do it again tomorrow. And the next day too.

OK, friends. Now I have to do something that is hard for me. I need to call my old sponsor and let her know 1) I'm still alive, 2) I am back in OA and 3) I have a new sponsor. I want her to know that she didn't do anything wrong, and I'm grateful for her. But I think it's important to close that loop.

I think I'll go do it now... Just get it over with. OK, I'm gonna go call, then I'll come back and tell you how it went.

....................................................................

OK, I'm back. I left a message on her phone. I thanked her for her service to me, her example and her abstinence, and I told her I'm back and working with a new sponsor. I think it was fine to leave it on her voicemail. I'll email her too, and I'll follow up live next time I see her in a meeting.

Terrified and Relieved

2010-08-09T18:17:00.001-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a big week. I posted last Monday, so full of resentment and hopelessness. Then the miracles started to happen.

A recovery friend from Twitter reached out and really encouraged me. And then I got a call from a woman in our local OA Saturday morning meeting. Miracles? Felt like it to me. Those glimpses of sanity and friendship were enough to get me to a meeting on Saturday morning.

I arrived a few minutes late, so I had to ring the doorbell for the building where we meet. Who should come around the corner to let me in? The woman who had called on Friday. Of course.

After the meeting I was ready to ask her to sponsor me. I knew she has what I so desperately need. Funny thing: She offered to work with me before I even had to ask. Wow.

So we sat and talked for an hour. We're on our way. We have identified that one of the most important things for me right now is routine. Discipline. Keeping my word to myself and others. Finishing what I start.

So tomorrow morning I'm going to start calling her every morning. At 6:00am. I will read my writing assignments to her and commit my food to her. I've never had such a structured sponsor relationship. I have tons of reading and writing to do. I'm terrified and relieved at the same time. Relieved that I am turning over the reins of my life to my higher power... literally... putting my food decisions into another's hand (I will follow the HOW plan initially) and being accountable to reading, writing and sharing every day. It feels good and right to surrender, to let go. Terrified that I won't be able to let go. That I'll screw things up. That I'll try to control everything. That I won't be completely honest.

I get crazy about things like this. I start feeling panicky: How will I tell her what I'm going to eat tomorrow night for dinner? I never know until I start to look in the fridge! How will I possibly be able to call her consistently at 6 every morning? What about THIS SUNDAY, when I have a BBQ/Pool Party that I myself am hosting? What will I eat? How will I survive this?

My sponsor says that this craziness is exactly why I need this program. Why I need - especially to start - some serious routine and some lack of freedom. Look what freedom has given me to this point in my life.

Praying that I can breathe deep, take this one day at a time and find physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

The 4th Step, Accidentally.

2010-08-02T10:08:00.001-05:00

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

My disease has broken through again, after nearly forty days of abstinence, and I'm feeling pretty miserable.

Seriously. I'm angry, I'm exhausted, I'm resentful, I'm jealous, I'm lethargic, I'm willful. I feel like I'm not seeing things clearly. Like I'm seeing everything right now through a dirty lens.

I'm distracted. Seriously. I keep toggling through my windows and programs. Twitter, MSN, email, work stuff, iTunes. I can't even focus enough to type this.

I've been reading fiction like a madman. I've read three novels in two weeks. I mean BIG novels. 1,000+ pages of Stephen King, 400 pages of Dean Koontz and 400+ of Dan Brown. None of it great, but I've been obsessed with turning the pages. I'm done now. I feel empty. Nothing to distract me.

So it's on to my new favorite TV show. When LOST ended, I needed a new show to care about, so I found Dexter. I've devoured three seasons so far. Season 4 is not out on DVD yet, so I am seeking it out on those shady streaming TV sites... Why can't I just wait? Seriously, what it going to happen to me if I don't have a book to read or a next episode to watch? It's like I don't want to find out. And the problem is not Dexter. I think it's a really well-made show, and it's totally worth my time. The problem is me and how I use the show.

Here's something you don't know about me, Dear Reader. I'm in ANOTHER 12-Step program. That's right. I'm a "double winner." (As I type this, I am rolling my eyes and thinking, "What a pathetic euphamism for a 'double fuck-up.'" You see what kind of mood I'm in?)

So anyway, I'm doing well in that program. (No, I'm not going to tell you what program it is. You'll have to find my OTHER super-secret anonymous blog for that juicy tidbit of information!) I have several months of sobriety. I go to two meetings a week. And I have a great sponsor.

And it's given me an excuse to really coast in THIS program. I haven't been to a meeting in months. I haven't emailed or talked to my OA sponsor in at least that long. As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't posted anything here in a LONG time. Twitter is about my only real contact with the world of OA recovery. Who has the time?

But, honestly, I'm grateful for you who keep up with me and care about me, especially via Twitter. Thank you, @RecoveringinOA, @anonymousnet, @woteva2010, @SeveGolf, @anonymous_oa and anyone else who's read my tweets and encouraged me.

I need a meeting, but I don't want to go. You know what, I should try an online meeting. I've done one or two in the past. Anyone have experience with those?

OK, what else? Resentment and jealousy/envy seem to be going hand in hand right now. I work as a pastor in a congregation full of wealthy people. Seriously, my family is way below most of the other families on the socio-economic scale. It's hard sometimes. And it's especially hard NOW for some reason. My wife is working full time, and I'm working full time, and we're making more money now than we ever have in our lives, but we're still living paycheck to paycheck. We're still overwhelmed by debt. We have four kids who eat a lot and do a lot of activities. Our lives are expensive! We scrimp and save - and we've been very decidedly NOT using the credit card for a few months now. But man is it hard to live this way.

We took a "vacation" a few weeks back. Drove 5 hours in our minivan to a big city, where we crammed into one hotel room. We went to an amusement park one day, a water park the next. We paid cash for everything. As we were driving home, I thought to myself, "What was THAT?"
How is that a vacation? And I'm jealous and resentful of all the wealthy families in my church, taking their 2-week vacations to Hawaii, getting away weekend after weekend to their lake houses, not to mention the lavish spending on clothes, cars, homes, kids' programs.

I'm resentful about kids too. I love my kids like crazy. But with my wife working a very demanding, inflexible job, I'm the one who gets to do all the kid stuff this summer. We can't afford childcare, and I have a 15-year-old who can watch the others a lot of the time, but how fair is that to them? To spend a summer inside the house watching TV? It sucks. So we've tried to get them out, to enroll them in camps and programs here and there as we can afford it. But every night, my exhausted wife and her exhausted husband sit down and try to figure out what in the world we're going to do with their kids the next day.

I'm grateful school starts again on the 12th.

I suppose it's good, to get all this off of my chest. You certainly don't have to read it, so if it's bumming you out, go away. I can't be responsible for your feelings, right? I'm not even sure how to be responsible for my own feelings.

I'm trying to be grateful. I just worked it out, and I'm the 40,003,334th richest person in the world, putting me in the top 0.66%. (You can figure out your relative wealth here.) Insane. But sometimes it's hard to be grateful when I'm surrounded by wealth and I feel so poor.

Oh yeah, and then there's the teeny-tiny fact that I started "cheating" on my food plan while on vacation. It wasn't bad. I'd give myself a B+. But then that damned perfectionism starting gnawing at me. You know the voices: "If you can eat THAT and still call yourself abstinent, then why the hell can't you eat THIS?"

The rest is history. Last night I only had one bowl of ice cream. That's progress. When I fall, I fall hard.

I think I could bitch on and on. I could write all day. I'm having a grand pity party. Can't remember when I've been quite so angry and depressed. It's funny, I don't really take out my anger on anyone. I keep it all inside. Normally I would think I don't have any anger-management issues, but today as I was talking to my wife on the phone with my 8-year-old twins in the car, I almost yelled FUCK... I totally caught myself. How crazy is that? I don't talk like that around them ever!

Normally no one would be able to tell I'm in a mood. But today I'm trying to avoid people, because I think they can tell I'm grouchy.

And I'm tired. I have not been getting enough sleep, and it's my own damn fault. I stay up too late (watching Dexter, reading Dan Brown) and then I have to get up early.

And I haven't connected with God all summer. It's like I'm purposely avoiding Him. I'm willfully avoiding my Bible. Why? Why won't I surrender? Maybe I haven't authentically and honestly taken the 2nd and 3rd steps in my other program, even though I thought I did.

But all these resentments... Wow, that's 4th step stuff, huh? What I should be doing is writing. A lot. Huh. In a way, that's what I'm doing right now.

But I think the part I'm missing it MY part. What's MY part in all this? NOTHING. I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT! I'M A VICTIM!

Just kidding.

OK fine. I chose to get married. I chose (with my wife) to have three kids. (That fourth one was a bonus. I couldn't choose twins.) I chose to go into ministry, which doesn't usually bring in a large salary. Every time I used my credit card, I had a choice. I have a choice every time I put a bite of food into my mouth. I have a choice to pick up my Bible or my journal. I have a choice to reach out for help or not. I have a choice to distract myself with books and TV or not. I have choices.

I'm reminded of Deuteronomy 30:15. God says, "Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster." (New Living Translation)

Funny. I just moved into a new office in my church. It's a lot bigger, and I like it a lot. But it's been very plain and boring. Just Saturday I finally bought a small couch and I started to think about stuff for the walls. This morning, as I was typing this entry, one of the administrative assistants brought in some very nice framed art... She said she wouldn't be hurt if I didn't want it, but she couldn't stand to see my walls so bare. Guess what one of them is.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Coincidence? Or just what I need. Right now.

The HOW Plan

2010-06-28T12:45:00.000-05:00

My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a crazy couple of years. Lots of ups and downs. Unemployment. Five cross-country moves in two years. I've never been able to get back to where I was the FIRST time I tried OA and got on the HOW plan.

Well, one day at a time, I'm on Day Nine. And for some reason, this time it feels like a big deal. There's something about the stability I feel in my new job and city... We've been here 10 months now. I love my work, my home, my city. I'm feeling content.

Every time I've tried the HOW plan, I have a period of withdrawal. This time is no different, but I think I'm almost through... One day at a time, I'm going to make it.

People have been asking about the HOW plan. I'll try to explain. And I should say from the beginning that this is MODIFIED from the original "Greysheet" plan. HOW stands for honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. As most of you know, OA doesn't have an official food plan. It is up to each member, with the help of his/her sponsor and the group, to create a food plan for him/herself. I don't know all the history, but this was not always the case. There was a food plan called the "Grey Sheet" plan that was later abandoned. But there are special OA groups that use the plan. I suspect that they look down on "regular" OA groups, especially when they see no physical recovery happening. But whatever.

I tried this plan - pretty hardcore - 3-4 years ago now when I originally entered OA. And it worked. Beyond my wildest dreams. I lost 65 pounds rapidly. I lost all cravings for sugar and refined white flour. I felt great.

Until I had That Damn Milkshake.

But I digress. Every since then I've been trying to get back into this plan. Or a variation of it. My plan is just about the same, but I do allow moderate amounts of alcohol (not at home, but if I'm out with friends or someone offers it in their home) and my portions are sometimes a little bigger than the original plan allows.

So for now, I'm not having any grains at all. Just meat and veggies. That's it. And "plan-approved" salad dressing. (No sugar of any kind in the first five listed ingredients.)

I'm gonna post the Grey Sheet as a PDF in the sidebar in case anyone wants to download it and check it out!

Day Nine! Can you believe it?

Where I'm At

2010-06-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

If nothing else, maybe I can provide a picture of what relapse looks and feels like, because it seems like that's all I'm good for these days.

I was doing well, eating on the HOW plan. I know where it fell apart, and it's ironic, because it was at the home of some friends who are VERY fit and health-conscious. We went there for dinner on Friday night. She set out chips and salsa. I had some, and then some more. And then I tried the pretzel chips with hummus. And then some more. A lot more. I got obsessed about the pretzel chips. I was sneaking handfuls. And this was all before dinner.

Dinner was awesome and healthy... salmon. Mmmm. But I was so stuffed I couldn't really enjoy it.

You know, come to think of it, maybe the first thing that I did "wrong" was have a glass of wine. Back in the Glory Days I didn't drink any alcohol. That was part of my abstinence. Now I feel like I'm above that, that wine and beer don't really count. HOW would say they count.

Anyway, since Friday, I've driven through Burger King, Taco Bell, Braum's and Chick-Fil-A. And that's just the fast food. I've had root beer floats the last two nights. I've eaten macaroni and cheese and pizza.

I long to be free. I want to eat again, right now. Everything in me is telling me that it doesn't matter. That eating another bowl of ice cream or cereal tonight wouldn't change anything. What's one more?

God, help.

Hanging In There

2010-06-06T16:28:00.000-05:00

Charlie, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm still abstinent, by my old definition of abstinence (the HOW plan), and I'm feeling weak. But I'm grateful that in my weakness, God is strong, and I can release my pain and my cravings to God. I am always surprised at how HARD early abstinence is!

Thanks for caring...

More Step Work

2010-06-05T22:16:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone. I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

More First Step work...

1a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?

Well. I've tried Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Master Cleanse, a personal trainer who made me a great food plan, fasting, and compulsive calorie-counting.

The results? When I did the calorie-counting along with exercise, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.

When I did OA the first time, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.

Cabbage soup was nasty. Master Cleanse was awful. I starved the whole time and ended up cheating, stopping the fast early and binging on cheeseburgers. The personal trainer. Huh. He's a friend of mine, and I'm basically wallowing in shame right now because I've been ignoring his generous help and support. I'm basically avoiding him. Weight Watchers was OK, but honestly, it was a bummer because I was the only man there. Similar to OA, at least here in my city, but OA is better.

Yes, I'm still looking for a solution outside OA. I don't want to admit I'm sick. I want to think I can just somehow get it together and get thin.

I'm so tired of feeling fat. I'm as fat as I've ever been today. I have some gigs coming up, and I just want to look like a rocker. I sound like one... the band it awesome, and I feel great about my vocals. But I feel like I don't look the part. I'm singing these bad-ass songs, and I feel like people will be judging me based on my weight. No one will think I'm sexy, and no one will think I'm a bad-ass.

Not that I am... but when you're singing rock songs with a band, you wanna come across that way, right?

The good news is that I am not eating tonight, even though I want cereal so badly my mouth is watering. I've been drinking water.

I don't have a food plan right now. My sponsor and I have no relationship to speak of. I never call her. I wonder if I could look to find another one outside of this area... Maybe a former OA friend from the Bay Area... I think I'll look into that. Help, God!

Step One, Question One

2010-05-20T18:25:00.000-05:00

Hi, Everyone. I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

And I'm totally avoiding this.

I have an OA workbook, and I want to blog my way through it. I've been telling myself that I would do it later... you know, after my seminary class is over, after Easter, after things "settle down." And that would be when?

So, since there will never be a good time to do this, I'm going to start now. It won't be perfect. I can't manage everything. But I will just type and try to answer the damn questions.

STEP ONE We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

1. "In OA we were encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

I'm having trouble writing this in a history... I think I'll just bullet point some highlights from my illustrious career.

All the times I tried to "start over" tomorrow, or Sunday, or Monday, or the first of the month, or on my birthday, or on such-and-such a holiday, or on New Year's Day. Some of those "do-overs" are documented on this blog or were documented on its previous incarnation. And, huh... Look at that, I'm still here, with only one day of abstinence.
All the times I took out cash so my wife wouldn't know I was going to McDonald's or other drive-thrus on my way to or from work.
All the times I ate fast food right before I got home, trying to cram it all in, and then hid the bag under the seat, went in, and ate dinner with my family. I could barely eat because I was so miserable. But that never stopped me. I did it again and again.
Staying up late to eat after everyone else is asleep. Eating 2-3 bowls of cereal, sometimes with sugar dumped on top of it. Eating until I felt like I would burst. Eating while a voice in my head kept saying, "Just stop, dammit!"
The insanity of having to eat another kind of food in order to make up for the food I just ate. Binge on ice cream, now I need something salty. Now something sweet again.
Fast food. Oh my. I remember one specific time I started at McDonald's (my all-time drug of choice), got a big meal there, and then went right across the street to Burger King because I wanted a chicken sandwich with cheese and onion rings. I already had the Diet Coke from McDonald's (always a diet), so I got a shake at BK. I had a three-hour trip ahead of me, I reasoned. I could eat it all. And I did, but I was miserable.
I remember the insanity of thinking I could just have one milk shake after 7 months of abstinence. That was the beginning of a relapse that, really, continues to this day.
Yes, I've done the whole "eat out of the trash" thing. Not often, but really, isn't once enough to qualify me as a compulsive overeater?
At restaurants I often make sure my kids' plates are clean. By eating their food myself. Sometimes I even hang back as everyone's leaving to make sure I can grab a last fry or half a cheeseburger.
I don't know halfway or moderation. For me, there is no "just a little bit" of sugar. For me, it seems to be all or nothing. Either I'm "on plan" or I'm not. And when I'm not, I'm NOT... I'm totally binging.

That's it for tonight. More to come.

Time Will Tell

2010-05-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Yes, dear friends, it's been a hell of a couple months. I've been in the middle of an enormous relapse. I blamed it on everything. My seminary class, my job, my big family, everything. (See my last post, right before Easter.)

Whatever. I made myself go back to OA on Saturday morning. It was SO good to be back. I had to ring the doorbell cuz I got there a few minutes late, and of course who sould come around the corner to let me in but my sponsor... I haven't even called or emailed her in months! She gave me a hug and welcomed me back. I'm grateful.

Tonight I finished my final exam for my class. I'm done now until the fall. I have a little (OK, a lot) more time now. What will I do with it? Maybe I'll dive into my stepwork, which I intend to do here on the blog, at least a good bit of it.

Maybe I'll stay on plan. Maybe I'll get better. Maybe I'll surrender to God, one day at a time. Maybe I'll remember how bad relapse feels. Maybe I'll keep reaching out for help. Maybe I'll come back and post here regularly. Maybe I'll be grateful for the support and encouragement that you readers and Twitter followers regularly give me. Maybe I'll give back.

Time will tell. God help me.

A New Willingness

2010-03-29T16:35:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends. I'm Charlie, a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a long time since I've posted anything new here. I'm OK... Hanging in there, one day at a time, on my "relaxed" food plan.

Busy: It's Holy Week, and I'm a minister of music. Rehearsals tonight, Wednesday and Saturday. Services Thursday night, Friday night and Sunday morning.

Busy: I'm a seminary student, eight weeks into a fifteen-week-long three-credit-hour course. Papers, reading, tests, quizzes, interacting with others on a message board. It's relentless.

Busy: I'm working with a sponsor in OA and doing a weekly food group with some colleagues from church. I try to get to one OA meeting a week as well.

Busy: I'm married with 4 kids! Soccer, music lessons, church programming...

Serenity is not something I understand right now. I'm cranky and harried. My wife got a speeding ticket today. We cannot afford that. And then I took one of our cars in to get a screw removed from a tire. It couldn't be repaired, so $116 later, I have a new tire. Our youngest son was sick today, so we had to shuffle him around between us. And his prescription cost $40.

Money is a concern all the time. We are grateful to have steady income, but it's never enough, especially when unexpected expenses come along. Sometimes (now) I feel overwhelmed and hopeless about money. Like we'll never get ahead. Like we'll never get out of debt.

So I guess I'm OK. I'm not well, but I'm OK, and I'm not bingeing constantly. (Is it "bingeing" or "binging"?)

Funny, when I started to write this post, I was not intending to complain about all of this. I even titled it "A New Willingness." I was intending to write about my food plan and how today I feel willing - a gift from God, no doubt - to eat in a healthy way, to make my three meals small and healthy. I had fruit, coffee and cottage cheese for breakfast. I had a salad for lunch. Tonight I will eat chicken and salad. I have willingness, and I'm grateful.

Now, God, get me through this week.

My Sunny Self

2010-03-19T15:46:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm Charlie, a happy recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm just messing around... I realize my last few posts have been rather "dark." I am doing well, though. Look at that, I weighed in today (for the first time since February 19!) and I'm actually down a few. That's good news, right? I've put together some abstinence! That's good news!

I think I'll be grateful today.

My wife is a delightful woman who has put up with me for 16 years now. I am truly blessed to share my life with someone so patient, kind, strong and beautiful.

My kids are so awesome. How could a dad ask for more? Four smart, strong, funny, thoughtful, active, crazy kiddos!

After two years of uncertainty, I have a steady, solid, fulfilling job doing what I love.

I live in a house that I own for the first time in my life!

It's sunny, breezy and 68 degrees outside!

I'm recovering from compulsive overeating, one day at a time.

God made me. God loves me. God has a plan for me. God will help me.

It's a good day, and it's a good life. Thank You, God.

Checking In Again

2010-03-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm going to check in today in bullet points. I honestly don't even feel disciplined enough to write in paragraphs.

I'm still abstinent on my "loose" plan: 3 meals a day, no snacks, no sugar.
I've started calling that sugar part "intentional acts of sugar." I like that. "No intentional acts of sugar." So that means if there's sugar in a spaghetti sauce or something, that's OK. I don't have to stress about that, but I can't dump sugar on cereal or eat ice cream.
I'm tired and listless today.
But I've slept a lot lately.
Because I was sick as a dog Sunday and Monday. Diarrhea. I know, too much information.
It's Spring Break. My wife works full-time. My job is flexible. Thus, I am home and dragging kids around with me when I have to go in to work.
I have no willingness to work on recovery. But I think I still want it.
I'm scared of my weigh-in on the 19th.
I have to lead choir tonight at church and I don't want to.
I'm taking a seminary class online, and I feel like I'm falling behind, but I'm not doing much about it.
I'm such a food addict that even when I was sick and dehydrated, even when I didn't feel like eating, I still managed to eat something, even though it made me feel worse.
And now that I'm "better" (even though my stomach is still sensitive), I am eating stuff that's greasy and not necessarily good for me. Still abstinent, not wise though.
OK, thanks for reading.