Hi, Everyone. Charlie here, a grateful recovering compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
Well, I did it. I called my sponsor this morning at 6:00. We talked for about 30 minutes. I gave her my food for the day and we talked about my writing. Perhaps even more incredible, I was up at 5:30.
And I'm planning to do it again tomorrow. And the next day too.
OK, friends. Now I have to do something that is hard for me. I need to call my old sponsor and let her know 1) I'm still alive, 2) I am back in OA and 3) I have a new sponsor. I want her to know that she didn't do anything wrong, and I'm grateful for her. But I think it's important to close that loop.
I think I'll go do it now... Just get it over with. OK, I'm gonna go call, then I'll come back and tell you how it went.
....................................................................
OK, I'm back. I left a message on her phone. I thanked her for her service to me, her example and her abstinence, and I told her I'm back and working with a new sponsor. I think it was fine to leave it on her voicemail. I'll email her too, and I'll follow up live next time I see her in a meeting.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Terrified and Relieved
Hi, I'm Charlie, a recovering compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
It's been a big week. I posted last Monday, so full of resentment and hopelessness. Then the miracles started to happen.
A recovery friend from Twitter reached out and really encouraged me. And then I got a call from a woman in our local OA Saturday morning meeting. Miracles? Felt like it to me. Those glimpses of sanity and friendship were enough to get me to a meeting on Saturday morning.
I arrived a few minutes late, so I had to ring the doorbell for the building where we meet. Who should come around the corner to let me in? The woman who had called on Friday. Of course.
After the meeting I was ready to ask her to sponsor me. I knew she has what I so desperately need. Funny thing: She offered to work with me before I even had to ask. Wow.
So we sat and talked for an hour. We're on our way. We have identified that one of the most important things for me right now is routine. Discipline. Keeping my word to myself and others. Finishing what I start.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to start calling her every morning. At 6:00am. I will read my writing assignments to her and commit my food to her. I've never had such a structured sponsor relationship. I have tons of reading and writing to do. I'm terrified and relieved at the same time. Relieved that I am turning over the reins of my life to my higher power... literally... putting my food decisions into another's hand (I will follow the HOW plan initially) and being accountable to reading, writing and sharing every day. It feels good and right to surrender, to let go. Terrified that I won't be able to let go. That I'll screw things up. That I'll try to control everything. That I won't be completely honest.
I get crazy about things like this. I start feeling panicky: How will I tell her what I'm going to eat tomorrow night for dinner? I never know until I start to look in the fridge! How will I possibly be able to call her consistently at 6 every morning? What about THIS SUNDAY, when I have a BBQ/Pool Party that I myself am hosting? What will I eat? How will I survive this?
My sponsor says that this craziness is exactly why I need this program. Why I need - especially to start - some serious routine and some lack of freedom. Look what freedom has given me to this point in my life.
Praying that I can breathe deep, take this one day at a time and find physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.
::Hi, Charlie!::
It's been a big week. I posted last Monday, so full of resentment and hopelessness. Then the miracles started to happen.
A recovery friend from Twitter reached out and really encouraged me. And then I got a call from a woman in our local OA Saturday morning meeting. Miracles? Felt like it to me. Those glimpses of sanity and friendship were enough to get me to a meeting on Saturday morning.
I arrived a few minutes late, so I had to ring the doorbell for the building where we meet. Who should come around the corner to let me in? The woman who had called on Friday. Of course.
After the meeting I was ready to ask her to sponsor me. I knew she has what I so desperately need. Funny thing: She offered to work with me before I even had to ask. Wow.
So we sat and talked for an hour. We're on our way. We have identified that one of the most important things for me right now is routine. Discipline. Keeping my word to myself and others. Finishing what I start.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to start calling her every morning. At 6:00am. I will read my writing assignments to her and commit my food to her. I've never had such a structured sponsor relationship. I have tons of reading and writing to do. I'm terrified and relieved at the same time. Relieved that I am turning over the reins of my life to my higher power... literally... putting my food decisions into another's hand (I will follow the HOW plan initially) and being accountable to reading, writing and sharing every day. It feels good and right to surrender, to let go. Terrified that I won't be able to let go. That I'll screw things up. That I'll try to control everything. That I won't be completely honest.
I get crazy about things like this. I start feeling panicky: How will I tell her what I'm going to eat tomorrow night for dinner? I never know until I start to look in the fridge! How will I possibly be able to call her consistently at 6 every morning? What about THIS SUNDAY, when I have a BBQ/Pool Party that I myself am hosting? What will I eat? How will I survive this?
My sponsor says that this craziness is exactly why I need this program. Why I need - especially to start - some serious routine and some lack of freedom. Look what freedom has given me to this point in my life.
Praying that I can breathe deep, take this one day at a time and find physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The 4th Step, Accidentally.
My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
My disease has broken through again, after nearly forty days of abstinence, and I'm feeling pretty miserable.
Seriously. I'm angry, I'm exhausted, I'm resentful, I'm jealous, I'm lethargic, I'm willful. I feel like I'm not seeing things clearly. Like I'm seeing everything right now through a dirty lens.
I'm distracted. Seriously. I keep toggling through my windows and programs. Twitter, MSN, email, work stuff, iTunes. I can't even focus enough to type this.
I've been reading fiction like a madman. I've read three novels in two weeks. I mean BIG novels. 1,000+ pages of Stephen King, 400 pages of Dean Koontz and 400+ of Dan Brown. None of it great, but I've been obsessed with turning the pages. I'm done now. I feel empty. Nothing to distract me.
So it's on to my new favorite TV show. When LOST ended, I needed a new show to care about, so I found Dexter. I've devoured three seasons so far. Season 4 is not out on DVD yet, so I am seeking it out on those shady streaming TV sites... Why can't I just wait? Seriously, what it going to happen to me if I don't have a book to read or a next episode to watch? It's like I don't want to find out. And the problem is not Dexter. I think it's a really well-made show, and it's totally worth my time. The problem is me and how I use the show.
Here's something you don't know about me, Dear Reader. I'm in ANOTHER 12-Step program. That's right. I'm a "double winner." (As I type this, I am rolling my eyes and thinking, "What a pathetic euphamism for a 'double fuck-up.'" You see what kind of mood I'm in?)
So anyway, I'm doing well in that program. (No, I'm not going to tell you what program it is. You'll have to find my OTHER super-secret anonymous blog for that juicy tidbit of information!) I have several months of sobriety. I go to two meetings a week. And I have a great sponsor.
And it's given me an excuse to really coast in THIS program. I haven't been to a meeting in months. I haven't emailed or talked to my OA sponsor in at least that long. As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't posted anything here in a LONG time. Twitter is about my only real contact with the world of OA recovery. Who has the time?
But, honestly, I'm grateful for you who keep up with me and care about me, especially via Twitter. Thank you, @RecoveringinOA, @anonymousnet, @woteva2010, @SeveGolf, @anonymous_oa and anyone else who's read my tweets and encouraged me.
I need a meeting, but I don't want to go. You know what, I should try an online meeting. I've done one or two in the past. Anyone have experience with those?
OK, what else? Resentment and jealousy/envy seem to be going hand in hand right now. I work as a pastor in a congregation full of wealthy people. Seriously, my family is way below most of the other families on the socio-economic scale. It's hard sometimes. And it's especially hard NOW for some reason. My wife is working full time, and I'm working full time, and we're making more money now than we ever have in our lives, but we're still living paycheck to paycheck. We're still overwhelmed by debt. We have four kids who eat a lot and do a lot of activities. Our lives are expensive! We scrimp and save - and we've been very decidedly NOT using the credit card for a few months now. But man is it hard to live this way.
We took a "vacation" a few weeks back. Drove 5 hours in our minivan to a big city, where we crammed into one hotel room. We went to an amusement park one day, a water park the next. We paid cash for everything. As we were driving home, I thought to myself, "What was THAT?"
How is that a vacation? And I'm jealous and resentful of all the wealthy families in my church, taking their 2-week vacations to Hawaii, getting away weekend after weekend to their lake houses, not to mention the lavish spending on clothes, cars, homes, kids' programs.
I'm resentful about kids too. I love my kids like crazy. But with my wife working a very demanding, inflexible job, I'm the one who gets to do all the kid stuff this summer. We can't afford childcare, and I have a 15-year-old who can watch the others a lot of the time, but how fair is that to them? To spend a summer inside the house watching TV? It sucks. So we've tried to get them out, to enroll them in camps and programs here and there as we can afford it. But every night, my exhausted wife and her exhausted husband sit down and try to figure out what in the world we're going to do with their kids the next day.
I'm grateful school starts again on the 12th.
I suppose it's good, to get all this off of my chest. You certainly don't have to read it, so if it's bumming you out, go away. I can't be responsible for your feelings, right? I'm not even sure how to be responsible for my own feelings.
I'm trying to be grateful. I just worked it out, and I'm the 40,003,334th richest person in the world, putting me in the top 0.66%. (You can figure out your relative wealth here.) Insane. But sometimes it's hard to be grateful when I'm surrounded by wealth and I feel so poor.
Oh yeah, and then there's the teeny-tiny fact that I started "cheating" on my food plan while on vacation. It wasn't bad. I'd give myself a B+. But then that damned perfectionism starting gnawing at me. You know the voices: "If you can eat THAT and still call yourself abstinent, then why the hell can't you eat THIS?"
The rest is history. Last night I only had one bowl of ice cream. That's progress. When I fall, I fall hard.
I think I could bitch on and on. I could write all day. I'm having a grand pity party. Can't remember when I've been quite so angry and depressed. It's funny, I don't really take out my anger on anyone. I keep it all inside. Normally I would think I don't have any anger-management issues, but today as I was talking to my wife on the phone with my 8-year-old twins in the car, I almost yelled FUCK... I totally caught myself. How crazy is that? I don't talk like that around them ever!
Normally no one would be able to tell I'm in a mood. But today I'm trying to avoid people, because I think they can tell I'm grouchy.
And I'm tired. I have not been getting enough sleep, and it's my own damn fault. I stay up too late (watching Dexter, reading Dan Brown) and then I have to get up early.
And I haven't connected with God all summer. It's like I'm purposely avoiding Him. I'm willfully avoiding my Bible. Why? Why won't I surrender? Maybe I haven't authentically and honestly taken the 2nd and 3rd steps in my other program, even though I thought I did.
But all these resentments... Wow, that's 4th step stuff, huh? What I should be doing is writing. A lot. Huh. In a way, that's what I'm doing right now.
But I think the part I'm missing it MY part. What's MY part in all this? NOTHING. I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT! I'M A VICTIM!
Just kidding.
OK fine. I chose to get married. I chose (with my wife) to have three kids. (That fourth one was a bonus. I couldn't choose twins.) I chose to go into ministry, which doesn't usually bring in a large salary. Every time I used my credit card, I had a choice. I have a choice every time I put a bite of food into my mouth. I have a choice to pick up my Bible or my journal. I have a choice to reach out for help or not. I have a choice to distract myself with books and TV or not. I have choices.
I'm reminded of Deuteronomy 30:15. God says, "Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster." (New Living Translation)
Funny. I just moved into a new office in my church. It's a lot bigger, and I like it a lot. But it's been very plain and boring. Just Saturday I finally bought a small couch and I started to think about stuff for the walls. This morning, as I was typing this entry, one of the administrative assistants brought in some very nice framed art... She said she wouldn't be hurt if I didn't want it, but she couldn't stand to see my walls so bare. Guess what one of them is.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
Coincidence? Or just what I need. Right now.
::Hi, Charlie!::
My disease has broken through again, after nearly forty days of abstinence, and I'm feeling pretty miserable.
Seriously. I'm angry, I'm exhausted, I'm resentful, I'm jealous, I'm lethargic, I'm willful. I feel like I'm not seeing things clearly. Like I'm seeing everything right now through a dirty lens.
I'm distracted. Seriously. I keep toggling through my windows and programs. Twitter, MSN, email, work stuff, iTunes. I can't even focus enough to type this.
I've been reading fiction like a madman. I've read three novels in two weeks. I mean BIG novels. 1,000+ pages of Stephen King, 400 pages of Dean Koontz and 400+ of Dan Brown. None of it great, but I've been obsessed with turning the pages. I'm done now. I feel empty. Nothing to distract me.
So it's on to my new favorite TV show. When LOST ended, I needed a new show to care about, so I found Dexter. I've devoured three seasons so far. Season 4 is not out on DVD yet, so I am seeking it out on those shady streaming TV sites... Why can't I just wait? Seriously, what it going to happen to me if I don't have a book to read or a next episode to watch? It's like I don't want to find out. And the problem is not Dexter. I think it's a really well-made show, and it's totally worth my time. The problem is me and how I use the show.
Here's something you don't know about me, Dear Reader. I'm in ANOTHER 12-Step program. That's right. I'm a "double winner." (As I type this, I am rolling my eyes and thinking, "What a pathetic euphamism for a 'double fuck-up.'" You see what kind of mood I'm in?)
So anyway, I'm doing well in that program. (No, I'm not going to tell you what program it is. You'll have to find my OTHER super-secret anonymous blog for that juicy tidbit of information!) I have several months of sobriety. I go to two meetings a week. And I have a great sponsor.
And it's given me an excuse to really coast in THIS program. I haven't been to a meeting in months. I haven't emailed or talked to my OA sponsor in at least that long. As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't posted anything here in a LONG time. Twitter is about my only real contact with the world of OA recovery. Who has the time?
But, honestly, I'm grateful for you who keep up with me and care about me, especially via Twitter. Thank you, @RecoveringinOA, @anonymousnet, @woteva2010, @SeveGolf, @anonymous_oa and anyone else who's read my tweets and encouraged me.
I need a meeting, but I don't want to go. You know what, I should try an online meeting. I've done one or two in the past. Anyone have experience with those?
OK, what else? Resentment and jealousy/envy seem to be going hand in hand right now. I work as a pastor in a congregation full of wealthy people. Seriously, my family is way below most of the other families on the socio-economic scale. It's hard sometimes. And it's especially hard NOW for some reason. My wife is working full time, and I'm working full time, and we're making more money now than we ever have in our lives, but we're still living paycheck to paycheck. We're still overwhelmed by debt. We have four kids who eat a lot and do a lot of activities. Our lives are expensive! We scrimp and save - and we've been very decidedly NOT using the credit card for a few months now. But man is it hard to live this way.
We took a "vacation" a few weeks back. Drove 5 hours in our minivan to a big city, where we crammed into one hotel room. We went to an amusement park one day, a water park the next. We paid cash for everything. As we were driving home, I thought to myself, "What was THAT?"
How is that a vacation? And I'm jealous and resentful of all the wealthy families in my church, taking their 2-week vacations to Hawaii, getting away weekend after weekend to their lake houses, not to mention the lavish spending on clothes, cars, homes, kids' programs.
I'm resentful about kids too. I love my kids like crazy. But with my wife working a very demanding, inflexible job, I'm the one who gets to do all the kid stuff this summer. We can't afford childcare, and I have a 15-year-old who can watch the others a lot of the time, but how fair is that to them? To spend a summer inside the house watching TV? It sucks. So we've tried to get them out, to enroll them in camps and programs here and there as we can afford it. But every night, my exhausted wife and her exhausted husband sit down and try to figure out what in the world we're going to do with their kids the next day.
I'm grateful school starts again on the 12th.
I suppose it's good, to get all this off of my chest. You certainly don't have to read it, so if it's bumming you out, go away. I can't be responsible for your feelings, right? I'm not even sure how to be responsible for my own feelings.
I'm trying to be grateful. I just worked it out, and I'm the 40,003,334th richest person in the world, putting me in the top 0.66%. (You can figure out your relative wealth here.) Insane. But sometimes it's hard to be grateful when I'm surrounded by wealth and I feel so poor.
Oh yeah, and then there's the teeny-tiny fact that I started "cheating" on my food plan while on vacation. It wasn't bad. I'd give myself a B+. But then that damned perfectionism starting gnawing at me. You know the voices: "If you can eat THAT and still call yourself abstinent, then why the hell can't you eat THIS?"
The rest is history. Last night I only had one bowl of ice cream. That's progress. When I fall, I fall hard.
I think I could bitch on and on. I could write all day. I'm having a grand pity party. Can't remember when I've been quite so angry and depressed. It's funny, I don't really take out my anger on anyone. I keep it all inside. Normally I would think I don't have any anger-management issues, but today as I was talking to my wife on the phone with my 8-year-old twins in the car, I almost yelled FUCK... I totally caught myself. How crazy is that? I don't talk like that around them ever!
Normally no one would be able to tell I'm in a mood. But today I'm trying to avoid people, because I think they can tell I'm grouchy.
And I'm tired. I have not been getting enough sleep, and it's my own damn fault. I stay up too late (watching Dexter, reading Dan Brown) and then I have to get up early.
And I haven't connected with God all summer. It's like I'm purposely avoiding Him. I'm willfully avoiding my Bible. Why? Why won't I surrender? Maybe I haven't authentically and honestly taken the 2nd and 3rd steps in my other program, even though I thought I did.
But all these resentments... Wow, that's 4th step stuff, huh? What I should be doing is writing. A lot. Huh. In a way, that's what I'm doing right now.
But I think the part I'm missing it MY part. What's MY part in all this? NOTHING. I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT! I'M A VICTIM!
Just kidding.
OK fine. I chose to get married. I chose (with my wife) to have three kids. (That fourth one was a bonus. I couldn't choose twins.) I chose to go into ministry, which doesn't usually bring in a large salary. Every time I used my credit card, I had a choice. I have a choice every time I put a bite of food into my mouth. I have a choice to pick up my Bible or my journal. I have a choice to reach out for help or not. I have a choice to distract myself with books and TV or not. I have choices.
I'm reminded of Deuteronomy 30:15. God says, "Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster." (New Living Translation)
Funny. I just moved into a new office in my church. It's a lot bigger, and I like it a lot. But it's been very plain and boring. Just Saturday I finally bought a small couch and I started to think about stuff for the walls. This morning, as I was typing this entry, one of the administrative assistants brought in some very nice framed art... She said she wouldn't be hurt if I didn't want it, but she couldn't stand to see my walls so bare. Guess what one of them is.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
Coincidence? Or just what I need. Right now.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The HOW Plan
My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
It's been a crazy couple of years. Lots of ups and downs. Unemployment. Five cross-country moves in two years. I've never been able to get back to where I was the FIRST time I tried OA and got on the HOW plan.
Well, one day at a time, I'm on Day Nine. And for some reason, this time it feels like a big deal. There's something about the stability I feel in my new job and city... We've been here 10 months now. I love my work, my home, my city. I'm feeling content.
Every time I've tried the HOW plan, I have a period of withdrawal. This time is no different, but I think I'm almost through... One day at a time, I'm going to make it.
People have been asking about the HOW plan. I'll try to explain. And I should say from the beginning that this is MODIFIED from the original "Greysheet" plan. HOW stands for honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. As most of you know, OA doesn't have an official food plan. It is up to each member, with the help of his/her sponsor and the group, to create a food plan for him/herself. I don't know all the history, but this was not always the case. There was a food plan called the "Grey Sheet" plan that was later abandoned. But there are special OA groups that use the plan. I suspect that they look down on "regular" OA groups, especially when they see no physical recovery happening. But whatever.
I tried this plan - pretty hardcore - 3-4 years ago now when I originally entered OA. And it worked. Beyond my wildest dreams. I lost 65 pounds rapidly. I lost all cravings for sugar and refined white flour. I felt great.
Until I had That Damn Milkshake.
But I digress. Every since then I've been trying to get back into this plan. Or a variation of it. My plan is just about the same, but I do allow moderate amounts of alcohol (not at home, but if I'm out with friends or someone offers it in their home) and my portions are sometimes a little bigger than the original plan allows.
So for now, I'm not having any grains at all. Just meat and veggies. That's it. And "plan-approved" salad dressing. (No sugar of any kind in the first five listed ingredients.)
I'm gonna post the Grey Sheet as a PDF in the sidebar in case anyone wants to download it and check it out!
Day Nine! Can you believe it?
::Hi, Charlie!::
It's been a crazy couple of years. Lots of ups and downs. Unemployment. Five cross-country moves in two years. I've never been able to get back to where I was the FIRST time I tried OA and got on the HOW plan.
Well, one day at a time, I'm on Day Nine. And for some reason, this time it feels like a big deal. There's something about the stability I feel in my new job and city... We've been here 10 months now. I love my work, my home, my city. I'm feeling content.
Every time I've tried the HOW plan, I have a period of withdrawal. This time is no different, but I think I'm almost through... One day at a time, I'm going to make it.
People have been asking about the HOW plan. I'll try to explain. And I should say from the beginning that this is MODIFIED from the original "Greysheet" plan. HOW stands for honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. As most of you know, OA doesn't have an official food plan. It is up to each member, with the help of his/her sponsor and the group, to create a food plan for him/herself. I don't know all the history, but this was not always the case. There was a food plan called the "Grey Sheet" plan that was later abandoned. But there are special OA groups that use the plan. I suspect that they look down on "regular" OA groups, especially when they see no physical recovery happening. But whatever.
I tried this plan - pretty hardcore - 3-4 years ago now when I originally entered OA. And it worked. Beyond my wildest dreams. I lost 65 pounds rapidly. I lost all cravings for sugar and refined white flour. I felt great.
Until I had That Damn Milkshake.
But I digress. Every since then I've been trying to get back into this plan. Or a variation of it. My plan is just about the same, but I do allow moderate amounts of alcohol (not at home, but if I'm out with friends or someone offers it in their home) and my portions are sometimes a little bigger than the original plan allows.
So for now, I'm not having any grains at all. Just meat and veggies. That's it. And "plan-approved" salad dressing. (No sugar of any kind in the first five listed ingredients.)
I'm gonna post the Grey Sheet as a PDF in the sidebar in case anyone wants to download it and check it out!
Day Nine! Can you believe it?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Where I'm At
Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
If nothing else, maybe I can provide a picture of what relapse looks and feels like, because it seems like that's all I'm good for these days.
I was doing well, eating on the HOW plan. I know where it fell apart, and it's ironic, because it was at the home of some friends who are VERY fit and health-conscious. We went there for dinner on Friday night. She set out chips and salsa. I had some, and then some more. And then I tried the pretzel chips with hummus. And then some more. A lot more. I got obsessed about the pretzel chips. I was sneaking handfuls. And this was all before dinner.
Dinner was awesome and healthy... salmon. Mmmm. But I was so stuffed I couldn't really enjoy it.
You know, come to think of it, maybe the first thing that I did "wrong" was have a glass of wine. Back in the Glory Days I didn't drink any alcohol. That was part of my abstinence. Now I feel like I'm above that, that wine and beer don't really count. HOW would say they count.
Anyway, since Friday, I've driven through Burger King, Taco Bell, Braum's and Chick-Fil-A. And that's just the fast food. I've had root beer floats the last two nights. I've eaten macaroni and cheese and pizza.
I long to be free. I want to eat again, right now. Everything in me is telling me that it doesn't matter. That eating another bowl of ice cream or cereal tonight wouldn't change anything. What's one more?
God, help.
::Hi, Charlie!::
If nothing else, maybe I can provide a picture of what relapse looks and feels like, because it seems like that's all I'm good for these days.
I was doing well, eating on the HOW plan. I know where it fell apart, and it's ironic, because it was at the home of some friends who are VERY fit and health-conscious. We went there for dinner on Friday night. She set out chips and salsa. I had some, and then some more. And then I tried the pretzel chips with hummus. And then some more. A lot more. I got obsessed about the pretzel chips. I was sneaking handfuls. And this was all before dinner.
Dinner was awesome and healthy... salmon. Mmmm. But I was so stuffed I couldn't really enjoy it.
You know, come to think of it, maybe the first thing that I did "wrong" was have a glass of wine. Back in the Glory Days I didn't drink any alcohol. That was part of my abstinence. Now I feel like I'm above that, that wine and beer don't really count. HOW would say they count.
Anyway, since Friday, I've driven through Burger King, Taco Bell, Braum's and Chick-Fil-A. And that's just the fast food. I've had root beer floats the last two nights. I've eaten macaroni and cheese and pizza.
I long to be free. I want to eat again, right now. Everything in me is telling me that it doesn't matter. That eating another bowl of ice cream or cereal tonight wouldn't change anything. What's one more?
God, help.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Hanging In There
Charlie, compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
I'm still abstinent, by my old definition of abstinence (the HOW plan), and I'm feeling weak. But I'm grateful that in my weakness, God is strong, and I can release my pain and my cravings to God. I am always surprised at how HARD early abstinence is!
Thanks for caring...
::Hi, Charlie!::
I'm still abstinent, by my old definition of abstinence (the HOW plan), and I'm feeling weak. But I'm grateful that in my weakness, God is strong, and I can release my pain and my cravings to God. I am always surprised at how HARD early abstinence is!
Thanks for caring...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
More Step Work
Hi Everyone. I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
More First Step work...
1a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?
Well. I've tried Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Master Cleanse, a personal trainer who made me a great food plan, fasting, and compulsive calorie-counting.
The results? When I did the calorie-counting along with exercise, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.
When I did OA the first time, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.
Cabbage soup was nasty. Master Cleanse was awful. I starved the whole time and ended up cheating, stopping the fast early and binging on cheeseburgers. The personal trainer. Huh. He's a friend of mine, and I'm basically wallowing in shame right now because I've been ignoring his generous help and support. I'm basically avoiding him. Weight Watchers was OK, but honestly, it was a bummer because I was the only man there. Similar to OA, at least here in my city, but OA is better.
Yes, I'm still looking for a solution outside OA. I don't want to admit I'm sick. I want to think I can just somehow get it together and get thin.
I'm so tired of feeling fat. I'm as fat as I've ever been today. I have some gigs coming up, and I just want to look like a rocker. I sound like one... the band it awesome, and I feel great about my vocals. But I feel like I don't look the part. I'm singing these bad-ass songs, and I feel like people will be judging me based on my weight. No one will think I'm sexy, and no one will think I'm a bad-ass.
Not that I am... but when you're singing rock songs with a band, you wanna come across that way, right?
The good news is that I am not eating tonight, even though I want cereal so badly my mouth is watering. I've been drinking water.
I don't have a food plan right now. My sponsor and I have no relationship to speak of. I never call her. I wonder if I could look to find another one outside of this area... Maybe a former OA friend from the Bay Area... I think I'll look into that. Help, God!
::Hi, Charlie!::
More First Step work...
1a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?
Well. I've tried Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Master Cleanse, a personal trainer who made me a great food plan, fasting, and compulsive calorie-counting.
The results? When I did the calorie-counting along with exercise, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.
When I did OA the first time, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.
Cabbage soup was nasty. Master Cleanse was awful. I starved the whole time and ended up cheating, stopping the fast early and binging on cheeseburgers. The personal trainer. Huh. He's a friend of mine, and I'm basically wallowing in shame right now because I've been ignoring his generous help and support. I'm basically avoiding him. Weight Watchers was OK, but honestly, it was a bummer because I was the only man there. Similar to OA, at least here in my city, but OA is better.
Yes, I'm still looking for a solution outside OA. I don't want to admit I'm sick. I want to think I can just somehow get it together and get thin.
I'm so tired of feeling fat. I'm as fat as I've ever been today. I have some gigs coming up, and I just want to look like a rocker. I sound like one... the band it awesome, and I feel great about my vocals. But I feel like I don't look the part. I'm singing these bad-ass songs, and I feel like people will be judging me based on my weight. No one will think I'm sexy, and no one will think I'm a bad-ass.
Not that I am... but when you're singing rock songs with a band, you wanna come across that way, right?
The good news is that I am not eating tonight, even though I want cereal so badly my mouth is watering. I've been drinking water.
I don't have a food plan right now. My sponsor and I have no relationship to speak of. I never call her. I wonder if I could look to find another one outside of this area... Maybe a former OA friend from the Bay Area... I think I'll look into that. Help, God!
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