A Timely Reminder

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Welcome to D.M., a new reader who's been catching up on my posts and reading some of the old ones. She commented on some, which drew my attention to them. Look at this one, from March 10, 2008:

"Feeling fat again. Ate off plan all week in Boston. Stress and anxiety are really giving me grief. Isolation and fear are cutting me off from reality and good choices for my body.

God, help me!"

And this one, from eight days later:

"Wow. I've completely fucking let myself go. I am so tired of this.

Last night I thought to myself, 'I am NOT hungry. Nothing sounds good. I don't WANT to eat!'

And then I continued to put food in my mouth. Four cookies. Milk. A cheeseburger. Diet Coke.

God help me. Compulsivity consumes me."

I had forgotten that Charlie, the one who was so afraid and isolated, so hopeless and helpless. I'm grateful to be reminded of what it really was like. Sometimes I forget.

Now that I'm nearly eight months into my OA-HOW abstinence, now that I look and feel "normal" as far as my weight goes, now that I'm doing (for me) amazing things like training for a 5K, sometimes I wonder if I'm "all better," if I could do it on my own.

These messages remind me that I can't. I need you, my recovery friends. I need the 12 Steps. I need OA-HOW. I need God. I've been out there, and it's ugly. If I don't work this program, I'll be right back where I was three years ago.

I have a life-threatening disease. Thank you, D.M., for the reminder. Thank you, God, for the solution.

Thank You

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just want to say "Thank you" to my readers. You have encouraged me and challenged me. You have been an essential part of my recovery over the last several years. For me, 2010 started in relapse. I kept trying to get abstinent, trying to control my food and my eating behaviors, doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. Finally in August, by the grace of God and with a little help from my friends, I found that abstinence that I needed so desperately. I should say that it was given to me, a beautiful gift that I hold on to with everything I have.

And that abstinence has served me well, through a very busy and stressful Christmas season at church, through weddings and parties and vacations and holidays. This program works if I work it.

I realize that I haven't had much of an online presence over the last month or so. I hope to be back to blogging and Tweeting more regularly in the New Year. Thanks to all of you who've hung in there and been so encouraging.

Peace and joy to you in 2011!

A Quick Check-In

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Taking a cue from my friend G. Rabanon, I thought I'd drop by with a quick check-in, even though I'm hella busy. (Love that expression. It's so Oakland.) So, bullet points:

• I'm on Day 37 of abstinence with the OA-HOW structure.
• I'm busy with work, seminary, program work, bills/budget stuff, phone calls, meetings, and of course my beautiful wife and kiddos.
• I started having some serious cravings yesterday... Mexican, Italian, cheese, chocolate. I wrote about it this morning... I'm OK. I'll get through.
• I remembered a little bit ago that I had a dream last night where I lost my abstinence! I ate a handful of chocolate candies, not even thinking about it... and then I was like "Shit! I just ate chocolate!" I immediately felt (in my dream) such shame and guilt... This horrible feelingin the pit of my stomach. Relapse. That ugly word. I was thinking of how I would tell my sponsor, of the 35 days of abstinence that I had just flushed down the toilet. Very interesting.

And now I must go to choir practice! Adios!