"What you deserve is to not feel shitty."

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Where to begin?

Look to your right. See the little abstinence counter? That's right. I'm starting over. Again. Since choosing to re-define my abstinence a few months ago, I've been really struggling. Just like they said I would. I hate proving them right. I hate it. I've heard so many horror stories about people who leave OA-HOW and get right back into the insanity of compusive overeating. They gain tons of weight, often more than they lost in the first place. And they either get sicker and sicker until they finally die, or they come crawling back to OA-HOW, miserable, and climb back on the willingness wagon.

I swore I would not be one of those people. And I'm not. Not yet. But I did slip. I did relapse. Damn it.

I found a sponsor in "regular" OA, and I began to work a much less structured program. This opened the door for me to eat "moderately." I eventually had an ice cream cone. Then a breakfast sandwich from McDonald's. I had pizza and dessert at a men's event at church. I stopped weighing and measuring. I started eating compulsively sometimes... quietly, secretly.

I was still running a lot. I was healthy. I was skinny. I was fine.

Right.

I got real a couple weeks ago. I saw the handwriting on the wall, thank God, and I began to pray for help. I got in touch with a program friend who has what I want, and he agreed to be my sponsor. But even then, I was not very willing... Halloween came a few days ago, and I told myself I'd have "just one" Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. One turned into ten, then twenty, just like that. Damn. I felt crappy. I "washed it down" with two hunks of bread. At 10:00pm.

Even after talking to my sponsor about it and re-setting my abstinence, I overate at lunch the next day... compulsively tearing though two big plates of food at an Indian buffet. I got scared. Abstinence reset again. That night I was online and I ended up chatting with my good friend G. Rabanon. She helped me remember some really important things... I'm just gonna copy some of the conversation verbatim, because it was so good...

Me: That's what started it last night. a frickin' peanut butter cup

G.: Understood. Those things are deadly.

Me: 20 little candy bars later, i feel pretty shitty

G.: *nod*

Me: i'm still pretty skinny! that's the thing my addict points to to justify my compulsivity

G.: Oh Charlie, you know it's not about how skinny you are. and yeah, that's what it tells us. Always, it tells us that we've been so good, or we're skinny enough, or that we deserve it... What you deserve is to not feel shitty.

Me: oh g. that is fucking true. thank you. god DAMN it.

That sentence killed me. It's exactly what I needed to hear. What I deserve, what we all deserve... is to not feel shitty. And that is what God offers us, every one of us... freedom from that awful feeling - which I can have whether I'm running 9 miles or sitting on my ass, whether I'm skinny or fat.

And so here I am again. I'm abstinent. I'm so grateful. And I'm still very cautious. I'm still very aware that I'm one bite away from a slip, from relapse. I am so compulsive, so sick. Even after all this recovery, I can so easily spiral into pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

Thank you, God. Thank you, G. Here we go. I'll go to bed abstinent tonight. How 'bout you?

Like the Wind

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I felt so much yesterday.

I stopped at a Ticketmaster outlet on my way in to work. I was (finally) going to buy tickets to a concert I've been excited about for months. I had saved my pennies, and I was going to take Mrs. Charlie and our two teenaged sons. AND they were sold out.

I checked my email at work, and there was a sweet, concerned email from my mom. Complete with photos. She was worried about me. I'm "too thin" and I "look sick." Now she had thought this before, but this particular email was prompted by "so many people" who were talking to her about me, expressing their concern. I hate that.

My pastor called me in to his office a little later. We are going through a massive change in the way we worship on Sunday mornings. It's been in the works for a long, long time, but we just announced it on Sunday. Now we're dealing with the reactions of those who are happy, mad and every emotion in between. And I think my pastor is finally realizing that there's a lot of actual work to be done! He wants plans, he wants timelines, he wants assurances. He wants it on his desk Tuesday. And I'm overwhelmed.

I had a headache and felt a little barfy all morning.

I got a call from an OA-HOW friend that I used to talk to quite a bit. She was checking in, because she knew I had been considering leaving the structured way we work the program in HOW. So I told her how I was and how it was going, and she was friendly and supportive, but it was obvious to me that she disapproves. I honestly appreciate HOW people (I was one for a year!), and I want to stay in touch with them. I admire their recovery in so many ways, and I am committed to using the tools... of which one is the telephone! But sometimes I sense an unspoken accusation that I am somehow willfully taking an "easier, softer way," and that I'll be back in HOW eventually or else I'll descend into "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization."  That may be true. I'm a compulsive overeater, and I always will be. And I know that what people think (or what I think they think) is none of my business. So, yeah...

When I talked to my temporary sponsor later in the afternoon, I realized that all of these experiences and feelings are a lot for one day. It's OK for me to feel overwhelmed. And then I was reminded that all of this was happening on the first day without my sponsor. Wow. No wonder I was feeling especially vulnerable. In addition to all the things I was dealing with, I was grieving too. I was feeling, at least on a subconscious level, the loss of my daily check-in with my sponsor. That structure, that order and that accountability is no longer a regular part of my life, and it's a big change. For nearly 14 months, I have talked with her almost every day for 10-15 minutes. That's approximately 4,200 minutes. That's 70 solid hours on the phone with this woman. That's a significant relationship, and I'll miss it in many ways.

And then there are the good feelings I experienced. I got through my first day without my sponsor... I lived through the feelings, and I didn't overeat. I didn't binge. I didn't stray from my food plan, not even a bit. I found that I didn't have to commit each individual piece of my meals. I chose what to eat from meal to meal, and I chose wisely. God gave me the strength and the willingness to stay abstinent for one more day.

I called my parents and had a good discussion with them, encouraging them and assuring them of my health and wellness - while at the same time expressing my feelings about their inappropriate talking behind my back and lack of trust in me... and setting some boundaries for the future. I think we left it in a good place. They're going to let go of their fears and trust that I am being careful, deliberate, medically supervised and healthy. And when people ask them about me and express concern, they are going to defend me instead of getting all worked up and fretting about it.

And last night as I set out on my latest 5-mile run, I felt so strong and confident. I ran faster than I should at first, just because I could. I had this big stupid smile on my face, and I thanked God for my body, my new life, the amazing music playing on my iPod, the community of friends I've found in OA, the amazing cool weather, my beautiful wife and kids, my temporary sponsor, a program that is bigger than any one person or sponsor...

And the ability to run like the wind.

Still A Compulsive Overeater

My name is Charlie, and I'm still a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I can run 6.3 miles.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I'm maintaining a 75-80 pound weight loss.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I haven't had sugar or refined white flour in 423 days.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though everybody things I'm skinny.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I don't weigh and measure in restaurants anymore.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I do step work every day and use the tools of recovery.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though my sponsor and I - as of this morning - are no longer working together.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I have taken my recovery into my own hands, trusting God to guide me rather than surrendering to a particular method of working the program.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Even though I am going to bed tonight without planning specific food to eat tomorrow. For the first time since August 10, 2010.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I am not "all better." I can't just "eat normally."

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I need recovery today more than I ever have needed it. Just like every new day.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I need you more than I have ever needed you.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I'm grateful I don't have to face it alone.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. And I'm so grateful for Overeaters Anonymous.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. So for today I'll stay abstinent. Today is all I have.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. I can't forget that.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. Don't let me forget that.

I'm still a compulsive overeater. And I always will be.

My Sponsor Is NOT My Higher Power (Neither Are Kanye or Jay-Z)

My  name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Question: Has anyone ever put his or her sponsor on a pedestal and, in effect, turned him or her into a Higher Power? I was talking with my sponsor a few mornings ago and realized that is exactly what I've been doing. I am a huge people pleaser, and I have to face the reality that one of the people I want most to please is my sponsor. Like, in a kind of unhealthy way.

Now that I've started working on the 11th Step, I do a daily 10th Step and read it to my sponsor. On the first day I did that, I had to answer the following question: Have I kept something to myself that should be discussed with another person at once? Well, I immediately knew the answer to that question. I had not yet talked with my sponsor about Mrs. Charlie's and my upcoming trip to Cancun. Early on, when I first mentioned it to her, she had kind of a negative reaction to it, and I remember being defensive and angry about that. Since then, I have totally decided to go and made plans to go. We're leaving in about 5 weeks! And I kept meaning to tell her, but the closer it got, the more foolish I felt, and so I put it off until I read that question.

So on Friday, I took a deep breath and told her. And you know what? It's not really a bit deal. What is a big deal is the way I've been treating her. And it's not just regarding this trip. It's really about my whole program. Even though she's been so clear with me, I have continued to make this abstinence about pleasing her on some level. And that's a problem. She is not my Higher Power. She shouldn't even be one of my Higher Powers!

And she suggested I talk about it with people and decided whether I'd be able to continue to work with her or whether this might be a good time to find someone else.

So. Anyone ever have anything similar happen? How do you deal with people pleasing? And how do you deal with it when it's directly related to your sponsor?

Lordy, Lordy, Charlie's Forty

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

And today I'm 40 years old. I'm grateful for many things... my (healthy) wife, my kids, my home and my job. I'm grateful for a God who loves me and who wants to be in relationship with me. I'm grateful that I have found a real relationship with that God through Jesus.

And I'm profoundly grateful that I can honestly say I'm happier and healthier at 40 than I was at 30. Recovery rocks.

Peace and blessings to all of you, my friends in OA and any other 12-Step fellowship. Thanks for your encouragement and support over the years.

Happy, happy birthday to me!

Sadness and Joy

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Strange mixture of sadness and joy tonight. I'm sad and discouraged because Georgia put Troy Davis to death. And I'm powerless to do anything about it. But I will continue to speak out against what I consider to be an unjust, inhumane, barbaric practice in this nation.

And I'm grateful and full of joy. My wife is just fine. And I was so fearful. We went in today, braced for bad news. Her doctor came in and told us that her CA-125 numbers were very low. He sent us for another ultrasound, which showed that her previously 6 cm cyst had shrunk to 1.5 cm. He said she absolutely does NOT have cancer and he cancelled her surgery.

Thank you, God.

Do Not Worry?

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I don't have much time to write tonight. I'm so tired, and I have to be up early for church tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is my twins' birthday, and we went to an amusement park all day today. I'm exhausted.

But I just want to say that I'm frightened. Mrs. Charlie has been experiencing a lot of pain, and she has been to several doctors and had several tests. Finally an ultrasound showed a very large ovarian cyst. Her doctor used the term "worrisome" several times and talked about the likelihood of having to remove her entire ovary. He "penciled in" a date for surgery... in less than two weeks. He took a vial of blood and is running the CA-125 cancer screening test.

I know the screening is standard. I know. but he also was pretty clear that he was concerned and that he wanted to act quickly. And I'm scared. And so is she. And we won't know anything until Wednesday. And that's a long time.

Funny. The text for tomorrow's sermon is Matthew 6:25-34. Do not worry. Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

If you're a praying person, would you please pray for her tonight? Thanks. I'll keep you posted.