Crossroads

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Now what?

I mean, seriously? Do I do this the rest of my life? I've been thinking and praying and talking and writing about this for a few months now.

For Today, I'm committed to abstinence according to the OA-HOW concept. This means that today, as I have every day since August 10, 2010, I do the following things:

1. Do my step work, my reading/writing assignment.
2. Plan my three meals and one snack, following my food plan. Literally plan it out, down to the serving size and what kinds of protein, vegetables, etc. I will eat.
3. Call my sponsor at the pre-arranged time, read my writing to her and commit my food for the day.
4. Receive my sponsee's phone call, his food and his writing.
5. Talk to at least three other OAs on the phone. About recovery.
6. Eat my food according to plan and schedule. Weigh and measure my food. All of it. No exceptions. Even in restaurants. Even if I have to pack a cooler and take it with me.
7. If I have to make a food change for some reason... spoiled food, my kids eat something I had planned to eat... I have to get a sponsor on the phone and commit the change before I eat it.

This is all very involved, but it's been do-able. I'd even say it's been life-changing. I've worked hard on the steps, I've learned how to live in a structured and disciplined way, I've lost 77 pounds and kept it off for a few months now. And I've been so, so grateful.

Until recently.

In the last few months, things have been "percolating" for me. Some questions and thoughts:

I wonder sometimes if OA-HOW can be compared to training wheels. It was right for a time in my life. I could not gotten abstinent without it. But now, I'm starting to think I can ride this bike without the training wheels.

If I decide to leave the HOW concept, I will not simply relapse. I will remain abstinent, one day at a time. I will get a sponsor, follow a food plan, use the tools, go to meetings, give service. I cannot do this alone.

I've met members who were HOW abstinent and then quit abruptly. It's not pretty. Most of them put most if not all of their weight back on, wallow in shame and avoid program. I don't want that for anyone, and I certainly don't want it for myself.

How much of this is my disease, and how much is God? How much is me?

Where are the OA-HOWers who have stayed abstinent after leaving HOW? Why can't I find any online?

These feelings and thoughts have been building up, and I have been doing my very best to surrender and simply make it each day, one day at a time. That doesn't seem to be working for me. I'm not getting over the hump. I'm believing more and more that I'm supposed to make this change.

I am miserable thinking about bringing this up with my sponsor. I appreciate and respect her so much, and I'm so grateful for all she's done for me. I wish I could keep doing step work with her, but I know her and her program well enough to believe that she will not work with me unless I'm doing the plan as she herself worked it.

I would make this change tomorrow if I weren't so afraid of people. My sponsor's reaction. My OA-HOW friends' reactions. My sponsee's reaction. I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Funny, one of my biggest character defects is people-pleasing. Huh.

Here are some of the things I want:

1. The freedom to drink alcohol within my food plan. I've never had a problem with alcohol, and I enjoy it sometimes.
2. The freedom to eat abstinent food in restaurants without weighing and measuring.
3. The freedom to go to bed without having to make three OA outreach calls every day. This has become a real struggle for me. I love talking to people. I need and want the support. I love to be of service and encourage and support others! But I don't want it to be mandated to me anymore. I don't want my abstinence riding on it. Honestly, there are days when I feel frenzied and hassled trying to "get in my calls." It is quickly becoming crazy-making rather than serenity-building.
4. The freedom to eat on-plan without having to commit each individual food item before I eat it.

As I read this, it sure sounds like my mind is made up. What are your thoughts? Help me distinguish between my addict and my true self working in conscious contact with God.

Remind Me Again Why I Do This

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I am so sick of this! Normally I am relentlessly upbeat: This is the *best* program! I feel *so* great! Everything is *wonderful*! So allow me a little wallowing.

I'm not sick of abstinence. I am forever grateful for abstinence. This OA-HOW program has brought me hope and healing. It's brought me relief from years of compulsive overeating. As I have followed this program, I have released nearly 75 pounds from my top weight. My life has become more free and more disciplined at the same time. I just officially entered a 5K for the first time in my life. These are miracles, my friends.

My question is this: Can I recover... Can I continue to recover without the rigidity and structure of OA-HOW? Do I need to keep weighing and measuring - even in restaurants? Do I need to avoid alcohol? Do I need to call 3 people every day?

It's getting old. And I'm starting to feel like I'm in a cult or something.

I think I need to talk to my sponsor about these feelings. Tomorrow will be nine months abstinence in OA-HOW. But today I'm not sure I'll get there.

OK, that was not true. I will be abstinent today. Tomorrow too. I guess I'm just future-tripping. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. I don't want to have to call in my food to a sponsor when I'm 45 years old and 55 years old. I don't want to have to interrupt dinner with friends to rush into a bathroom, frantically calling OA-HOW sponsors to try to make a food change. I don't want to keep inconveniencing others with my strange behavior around food.

I know this is supposed to free us from food obsession. Why, then, do I feel MORE obsessed with food? I think it all got stirred up this last weekend in California. The planning, the phone calls, the packing, the conversations with my friends and hosts about what I needed - a specific restaurant, a trip to the grocery store, reading the labels on the cottage, borrowing a little cooler and icepack.

I know some who learned a lot in OA-HOW, and now they are in OA, still abstinent, eating three moderate meals a day. Did I mention still abstinent?

Another thing that stirred it up further... Friends have invited my wife and me to vacation with them in Cancun. I don't know if it will work out, but I am so excited about the possibility. Mrs. C. and I have never been out of the country together... not vacationing like that. It would be at a resort, with a swim-up bar, all the luxuries associated with a vacation like that. Dragging my scale around, trying to figure out how to make hook-up calls, reading and writing assignments, planning my food in advance... It just freaks me out.

So I know what the program says to do: Talk about it on my hook-up calls, talk to my sponsor about it, pray about it, surrender it to God. And keep using the tools. Every day, all the tools.

OK, I surrender. Feedback?

Charlie Takes a Trip

My name is Charlie, and I’m a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I’m in a small Midwestern airport typing on my laptop while the rest of the world (or so it seems) is watching the Super Bowl. And you know what? I’m cool with it. I’ve never been much of a sports guy anyway.  I actually had to ask my sister who was playing.

The Super Bowl for me has always been about three things: commercials, friends and food. Not necessarily in that order. So I’m incredibly gift of OA-HOW and the willingness to stay abstinent today. In fact, this whole last week has been a gift. I have a lot to write about, and I have a lot of time to write it. I’ll have a lot more time if they cancel my flight, which was supposed to have taken off one minute ago but which has not even arrived yet. God, grant me the serenity…

So, as my faithful readers will recall, I have been at a conference in Chicago all week. It was actually my eleventh time at this particular conference, and I have many good friends and memories of this one particular hotel/conference center where we all stayed together. It’s a good thing we like each other, because we were literally snowbound. I arrived Monday afternoon, and Tuesday evening ushered in the third largest blizzard in Chicago history. Flights were canceled, planned outings into the city never materialized, workshops and seminars were canceled because their leaders couldn’t get there.

As I was flying out of Tulsa, an epic snowstorm (for Oklahoma) was rolling in. I just made it out in time. Mrs. Charlie and the kids were housebound until Saturday. No school, no work. To be honest, I was a little jealous. It sounded so good be all together with nowhere to go. Although I would have been stir-crazy after a day or two, I’m sure.

Monday was an odd day. I got into my room, got all set up with my refrigerator and delivered groceries (Thank you, Peapod.com!), and then wandered to the lobby. I had forgotten that lonely feeling. Who will I see first? Who will I hang out with? Are others as excited to see me as I am to see them? All my insecurities came out to play, and I hoped and prayed that someone would call or text ME… “Hey, you here yet? Let’s hang…” Eventually I ran into an old friend and we sat in a bar for a couple hours. It was good. That first awkward afternoon was over, and I could get on with what I came to do.

I have to admit that I loved all the attention I got over my weight loss. I have lost at least 55 pounds since most of these people had seen me. It was nice to wear my skinny shirts and look good in them! No more straining buttons, no more saggy pants. I know it’s not about the weight. I really do. And man, do I love being at a normal weight.

I led a workshop on Wednesday. I was given a very large budget from our denomination for this workshop, and there were a lot of expectations. I had to deliver. We had about 40 participants, and I had to keep them engaged for 3-1/2 hours. So, being the people-pleaser that I am, I was already worried about making everyone happy. I couldn’t imagine having enough material to fill the time. And then there was the weather. Five of the eight people who were scheduled to help me present the material ended up unable to be with us due to the weather. One guy had flown in from Denver and was in Chicago but couldn’t make it up to our hotel because it was so bad! I stayed up so late the night before. Only got about 3-1/2 hours of sleep. But I prayed about it, talked to my sponsor in the morning, talked to G. Rabanon and a few other program friends… and then turned it over to God and trusted that it would all work out exactly the way it was supposed to work out.

It did! It did! The workshop far exceeded my wildest dreams. Rather than having too little material, I had too much! People were totally engaged and responding enthusiastically. I was able to find suitable fill-ins for the people who couldn’t be there, and, who knows? They may have even been better than the people I had planned to have there. The reviews were uniformly positive. And I was able to see more clearly than I ever have before that I really am gifted in moderating and facilitating discussion. Thank God for a wonderful day.

And then I could just rest and enjoy the rest of conference! I talked for hours and hours with good friends, I prayed and sang, I watched a movie, I slept a lot. It was good.

And I worked the program. Every day. I made my three hookup calls. I talked to my sponsor. I planned and committed my food every morning. I did my stepwork. And I ate my abstinent meals. Thanks be to God.

A touchdown just occurred on the TV in the bar behind me. I don’t know which team, but good for them.

Friday I took a bus from Chicago to the small town in northern Indiana where my parents live. I relaxed and read the whole way. Have you read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides? I love this novel. Anyway, I arrived at my parents’ house, and my brother and sister and their families came over, and we all had dinner together. I made my own. I spend yesterday and today with my family, and then dad brought me over to the airport a little bit ago. And here I wait.

I can’t wait to see how this story ends tonight! Does Charlie make it to Chicago? Does Charlie make it to Tulsa or have to spend the night in the airport or get re-routed to Denver? What does Charlie do for food? (Charlie stupidly packed his scale and measuring cups/spoons in his checked luggage.) Will Charlie get in his last hook-up call as he calls people during the Superbowl. Only God knows as this continuing saga unfolds.

(Later)

But wait! There’s more! So I was sitting in Indiana, writing that post, when G. called. We were chatting happily when I realized there was an eerie silence all around me. My plan was boarding! And I was all spread out all over… computer open, food out… I had to run for it. They were literally yelling at me that they were shutting the door in 40 seconds. OMG.

And now I’m sitting on the ground near a power outlet in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. It’s looking good. The flight to Tulsa is delayed, but I’m gonna get home tonight. Thank you, God.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about body image. I’ve been threatening to for some time now. It all culminated last night when my dad told me I look like a cancer patient. Nice.

"Don't Water Down To Suit Your Fancy"

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I had a rough, long day. It was the big finale to a rough, long week. It started with a really sad funeral last week and went through a week of a lot of drama and discomfort. 

But I'm still here, and I'm still abstinent. This, my friends, is a miracle.

This was my reading and writing assignment for the day. I started reading and writing feeling stressed and irritated that I even had to do it, and I finished with joy and gratitude. I hope you are encouraged tonight, no matter where you are in recovery, no matter how you're feeling, no matter what your path or program of recovery, to stick with this. It's so worth it. It's always worth it.

10c) Don’t Water Down to Suit Your Fancy.

Read BB Preface page xi, paragraph 2; page 58, paragraph 1.

Read Bill W. page 229, paragraph 4 beginning with “If also some” and ending with “life.”

Read Doctor Bob and the Good Old Timers pages 261 top to 262 top ending with “program anymore.”

This reading assignment was very simple today, but so relevant. Today I’ve been frazzled. I’m tired. I really want to go to bed early, and I have a list a mile long of things I want to get done before I go to bed. I left the house at 6 this morning and didn’t get home until 5:30 due to all the commitments I had. I didn’t even begin to think of program commitments like the calls and reading/writing until was driving home, and then I felt overwhelmed by all I had to do. But when I finally sat down to read and write, I get to these very basic thoughts. This program works, if we follow it “as is.” It’s not about picking and choosing the parts that apply to me. Because when I do that, when I get in my head and start trying to “figure it out,” I get crazy. Or maybe I should say the craziness starts to come out to play. Cause I’m always crazy, it’s just that this program of recovery keeps the craziness at bay.

I’ve been telling people on my hook-up calls today that the program works. It has gotten me through a couple of busy, crazy days. Days I would have made exceptions for in the past. Days I would have broken abstinence because of “special circumstances.” I have done that countless times. This program works because I’m still abstinent, 76 days in. I’m still here. Through a weekend retreat with my son where I lost my cell phone along with all my phone numbers. Through a BBQ early on with my band and vocal team at church. Through dinners and lunches out with friends, colleagues and parishioners. Through an all-day retreat in Wichita where I packed my meals in individual sacks and went to the car at each meal to get my brown bag from the cooler to take in and eat with my friends in the cafeteria. Through a somewhat spontaneous lunch today with church friends. Through my wife’s and my anniversary, my birthday, the twins’ birthday. Through band gigs where there was all kinds of free food and beer. All situations where in the past, I would have just HAD to eat… Would have HAD to fudge it just a little. But no, I’m abstinent. Because of this program. Because of all the tools. Because of friends who are in this with me, guiding me and showing me how we work it.

And if it’s worked in these situations, it’ll work in all situations. Thanksgivings and missions trips and conferences. And even at my daughter’s wedding.** And I don’t feel like I’m future-tripping in saying that. I think it feels to me more like surrendering to the reality that this program can and does work in all the situations of life as long as I remain honest, open-minded and willing. And as long as I just keep on doing the next right thing.

**These are all future things my sponsor and I have talked about. In fact, I am always guaranteed a laugh in an OA meeting when I use the following line about my tendency to future-trip: 

"I get really panicky sometimes when I think about never having sugar again. How will I ever get through my daughter's wedding without having a piece of her wedding cake? 

(beat)

My daughter is nine years old...."

Using the Tools of Recovery

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the tools of recovery. I have been abstinent for two months now, and I don't think I could have done it without the clear structure provided by working the H.O.W. program. We have to use the tools... It's built into our abstinence. Anyway, ironically, my reading/writing assignment today was about the tools, so I thought I'd just post it here...

And I would love to hear from you.

What is your experience with using these tools? Are there things you find especially helpful? Any you find difficult to use? Anything you're confused about? Anything you can help me with?

Discuss and reflect upon the seven tools of your daily recovery.

Abstinence

To me, abstinence is the foundation for my recovery. “Our Invitation To You” puts it this way: “Once we become abstinent, the preoccupation with food diminishes and in many cases leaves us entirely. We then find that, to deal with our inner turmoil, we have to have a new way of thinking, of acting on life rather than reacting to it - in essence, a new way of living. OA defines abstinence as “the action of refraining from compulsive overeating.” Since I’m working the more structured H.O.W. program, my abstinence is even more clearly defined. For me, for today, there’s a lot of freedom in knowing exactly what my abstinence entails. 

Telephone

As part of my program, I make every effort to talk live with at least three OA friends (in addition to my daily sponsor call). Sometimes this is a challenge, for sure. Sometimes it actually raises my anxiety, but honestly, that’s usually when I have not planned well and I save it for the last minute. At its best, and when I use it well, this tool connects me to people who are living this Program out one day at a time, people like me who truly understand this disease and are living in recovery. And it doesn’t really matter how well anyone is doing. If I speak to someone who has longer abstinence, more experience, strength and hope than I do, it’s awesome! There’s so much I can learn! I can ask questions and get advice, I can get feedback on how I’m feeling and what I’m doing to work my Program. If I’m stuck on something, I can hear about how someone else got through it. When I talk to H.O.W. members especially, I can get great advice on the particulars of the way we work the Program: questions about eating in restaurants, weighing and measuring, calling people, food plans and stepwork.

If, on the other hand, I find myself talking to someone who isn’t doing well, someone in relapse or someone who is struggling to hit their stride, I can be a light and a help. And it always helps me too. Sometimes I recognize the disease speaking and can help them see that, and I can always use that as a reminder to me to be vigilant in my Program.

Sponsoring

I have never had the privilege of sponsoring anyone, but I am very grateful for my sponsor. I am grateful for the clarity I hear in her voice and the great experience, strength and hope she is able to share with me.

Meetings

Meetings are the “front door” to Overeaters Anonymous in a lot of ways. (Well, for me the OA website was the front door.) Meetings are a great place to see recovery right in front of my eyes. Just like phone calls… I hear recovery and learn from others. I can also be of service. I think that full meetings are always really encouraging to everyone in the room, so just attending a meeting can be a great service to the people in the room. Sometimes – on a negative note – the meetings probably seem totally confusing and foreign to newcomers. We have a whole language of recovery, a “liturgy” of sorts. We recite things together. We stand up. We hold hands. We read stuff. We “testify.” So I think it’s important to explain things. To welcome people in and walk them through the experience of being new.

Service

I am grateful for the ways that people in the Program have served me. By being at the meetings. By sponsoring me! By writing the literature, developing the website, publishing the materials. By taking my calls and calling me! By reading my blog and commenting and writing their own blogs! By connecting with me on Twitter. Service keeps me abstinent. No doubt in my mind. I want to stay abstinent. For me. For all who have served and loved me. It’s a wonderful cycle. You serve me. I serve you.

Literature (include writing and burning)

For the last 60 days or so I’ve been reading the AA Big Book and 12 & 12 and then answering questions. It’s been an incredibly eye-opening experience for me. And then reading my writing to my sponsor and getting her feedback has been even more eye-opening. She helps me to see the places I’m just a little “crazy.” (She would say she can just hear the disease talking sometimes.) I actually had to look up the concept of “burning.” I guess some people are encouraged to burn their writing when they’re done writing it. I think that’s a little crazy! I really value being able to look back, see where I was and where I am. That may be one of the reasons I love blogging so much. I was a completely different person 2-3 years ago.

As far as OA literature goes, I don’t have a lot of experience with it. I have read through the “Brown Book” several times. When I was the secretary of a meeting in California, we used that every week for our readings. In my current meetings, the leader usually chooses a topic and we read related readings out of “For Today” or something similar. Honestly, though, I prefer some of the more basic material. I think it’s so good, just to go back to the basics again and again. “How It Works” in the AA Big Book. “Our Invitation To You” in the Brown Book. These are classic texts that always challenge and encourage me. The last few meetings I’ve led, I’ve had us reading pamphlets: “Tools of Recovery” and “A Plan of Eating.” I think sometimes we read a lot of touchy-feely stuff (which is good and important), but we ignore the basics and people do not get the chance to hear how the Program actually works.

Anonymity

Anonymity is a challenging tool. I don’t think I completely understand it, but I’m grateful for it. On one level, it’s about my safety to share without fear of being “outed” as a compulsive overeater. On another level, it’s about the fact that in the rooms, we’re all on equal footing. It doesn’t matter if you’re a doctor, trash collector, CEO, lunch lady, lawyer or gas station attendant, we all just compulsive overeaters. On yet another level, anonymity helps us place “principles before personalities.” Our experience, strength and hope speaks for itself. The principles, traditions and steps of this Program are what we follow, not people.