Without My Training Wheels

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I feel a lot like that boy today. Thrilled and terrified all at the same time.

But like that little boy, I have a loving Father too... Check out what I read in "For Today" this morning:

Today, I open my mind to everything that could be - possibilities that are far from the idle wishing of the old days, but rather a loosening of restrictions, a broadening of the imagination. I leave my life up to my Higher Power, remove my hindering ways and let my spirit soar. I seek to be more honest, more aware, to have closer relationships, a better ability to carry the message, more time to serve. I have received, and now pass on to others, what was once impossible: the hope of spiritual awakening, of recovery from compulsive overeating. For today: I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless.


So. I talked with my sponsor this morning about my plans to leave OA-HOW. I have to confess that I was terrified. I couldn't sleep last night. I got out of bed several times. I read and wrote in my journal. I prayed. I chatted online for a minute with my rabbi,  G. Rabanon. (It's not every Evangelical pastor who has a rabbi friend on Facebook!)

Here's some of what I wrote in my journal late last night:

"I'm ready to be done with HOW, but I have no idea how to quit. I'm afraid to bring it up with [my sponsor], but I will have to in the morning. I can't keep these feelings and thoughts bottled up anymore. So why do I want to stop? Why now?

"I know I am a compulsive overeater. I want to continue working the steps I want to stay abstinent and use the tools of recovery. I am convinced that I do not have these things mandated to me by my program. WIrh every passing day I am less willing to abide by the requirements of the HOW format. I want to work with [my sponsor] on the steps, but I'm pretty sure she will no longer sponsor me at all. I am very concerned that she know how grateful I am...

"I want to see if I can do this. OA-HOW says I can't, but I don't believe it. Deep down, that's the bottom line, the problem I cannot seem to get around. I simply do not believe that this method of working OA is my only hope.

"I want to transition well. I want to remain abstinent. I do not want to binge; not even once."

I finally fell asleep around 12:30, and then this morning at 6:00 I talked with my sponsor. We did the normal routine... my food plan for the day and my writing assignment. Then we talked about the possibility of changing my call time for the semester. So that brought up the perfect opportunity to talk about this.

I was afraid. I was afraid that she would be hurt. I was afraid that she would be angry or worried or disappointed in me. That she might lecture or scold me. That she would somehow reject me and dump me on the spot. In reality, I had nothing to fear... and I think I knew that deep down all along. She was remarkably gracious. Cautious, yes, but gracious. Always. And she said that even if we don't work together as sponsor and sponsee, she and I could still be friends and walk in recovery together. I was really touched by that. We spoke words of encouragement and affirmation, and we left it open.

For now, she's sponsoring me (as long as I continue to work OA-HOW day-to-day) until I come up with some sort of transition plan. I'll need to find another sponsor and clearly define my new abstinence.

So for today, I'm OA-HOW abstinent. I have talked with four program friends today. I have followed my plan. I have used the tools. God, give me what I need today to be abstinent and to move forward... without my training wheels.

Experience, Strength and Hope

Hi, my name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted here. I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still abstinent, by the grace of God. It's just been busy. So much happening all the time. With Christmas coming, this music minister's time is often spent prepping for cantatas and Christmas Eve services. And, of course, I'm always busy calling OA friends, planning meals, packing lunches, reading OA literature, writing (just started my actual 4th Step inventory this morning!), talking to my sponsor every day, Tweeting... Oh yeah, and trying to be a halfway decent dad and husband.

And you know what? I think I'm becoming a better dad and husband, a better pastor and friend. I think this program is working. I know my wife is happy with the changes in my life. She has commented that she likes this "new me" that is emerging. I have never felt so disciplined. I have never been able to stick with anything for any length of time before now. I am so grateful.

Last Saturday my sponsor and I met to do a "Step Up" ceremony. We spent two hours together, talking and reading and even lighting candles. I loved it. I formally became a sponsor in the OA-HOW program. It was powerful. Sometime I'd like to write about that experience. Did I mention there were candles?

And tonight I will "Step Up" on the phone meeting. I will be doing the ceremony and then sharing my experience, strength and hope. I'm a little nervous. But I think it's the right thing to do. I was startled when the meeting leader asked me to do it - only this morning - but after talking to my sponsor, praying about it, and asking friends on the phone and on Twitter, I've decided to go ahead and do it. God will guide me. I will say what I'm supposed to say.

So, my prayer tonight:

God, I offer myself to Thee
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
To Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.
May I do Thy will always.
Amen.

Miracles: A Guest Post from G. Rabanon

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Today I have the great privilege of presenting a guest post by my friend G. Rabanon. You've heard me mention her name before. She was one of the people God used in a powerful way to bring me back into recovery and to begin this period of abstinence and growth in my life for which I am so, so grateful. Enjoy her writing, and please check out her blog and follow her on Twitter!

Hi, my name is G. and I am a recovering bulimic.

*pause*

*crickets*

Hm. I guess that only works for Charlie.

::Hi Charlie!::

*blink*

Um… okay.

Anyway, today, it turns out, I am 300 days abstinent from disordered eating. Charlie asked me a while ago if I'd like to write a guest post. And I was just thinking about him tonight and I figured, eh, no time like 11:22 at night. Sorry, 11:23.

Tonight I want to talk about miracles.

Bulimia is not the beginning of my story, as it is not the beginning of anyone's story. In fact, I came to bulimic behaviors relatively late in life, at least in comparison with a lot of the stories I've heard… though I know comparisons are irrelevant, and I know that in most respects 18 is really quite young… hell, almost 11 years younger than I am now…

I've been bulimic for almost 11 years. Huh.

Well, the other big elements of my story are depression and child abuse. Both go back as far as I can remember. I don't want to make it sound like there were never times when I experienced joy, because that would be a lie… but I have never in my life been happy. Never. Not until now. Not until the age of 28 did I learn what it could mean to be happy. And I could be extremely bitter about that.

Which brings me to the first miracle: I am not bitter.

I was. Oh, believe me, I was plenty plenty bitter for a long long time. I realized when I was 14 that the reason I always felt like there was something wrong with the way Dad hit us was because he wasn't supposed to be hitting us. I realized that probably a big part of why I was always so sad was because of the things that were said and done to me and my mother and my brother and sister in my home. When I left, when I got out and went to college, got a job, went abroad, went to graduate school, the pain followed. The pain never let go. And I was bitter. And I was angry. And I thought that it would never leave me and that I would never be able to have a life that was not torturous. Less than 6 months ago, I had given up. I didn't want to kill myself necessarily, but I said to myself, to my friends, to my teachers, to my therapist, to people in OA meetings, to God, ESPECIALLY to God, that if this was life, then I really really did not want to play anymore. I didn't want to die, to be dead, I just wanted it to stop hurting.

Miracle number two: I am alive.

Here's how it happened… God sent me an angel. I don't mean the cliche winged angel that you see in movies or illustrated Bibles and stained glass windows. I mean angel in the literal, original sense of the word. The word angel, and the Hebrew word מלאך mean "messenger." And that is what God sent me.

He was a teacher of mine. An alcoholic recovering in AA who will, God willing, have 18 years of sobriety this Christmas Eve. I had failed his Talmud class, largely because I had a great deal of difficulty getting out of bed in the morning to get to his class, let alone doing assignments. I spent a great deal of my time sitting or lying in my room with tears streaming down my face for no immediate reason other than the fact that I was in agonizing pain on the inside of my head and heart and nothing seemed to give any relief. I'd already started in OA by then, was abstinent almost 5 months, and so was no longer dulling the pain with food. I'd not intentionally injured myself in about a year and 6 months, had not purged in about 2 years and 2 months, had begun to cut down on my drinking (which had been getting heavier and heavier) and was left with very little in the way of coping mechanisms. I was therefore not coping. This was to be the point of reckoning. This was it. Either I would figure out how to live without hurting myself to get by, or I was going to die. Maybe now, maybe later, but it was going to happen. And I was not optimistic.

I came to speak to my teacher. He had an inkling of what was going on. So he proceeded to tell me a story. There was a time when he was suicidal, he told me. He'd been hospitalized for his alcoholism and suicidal depression. He wanted to speak to a chaplain, but didn't want a rabbi, fearing for his anonymity. All rabbis know each other, you see, one way or another. So he was seen by a priest. The priest listened to him, and then told him "You know, this is all going to make you a better rabbi."

This was the bell that began to wake me. You see, I've heard that line countless times in my life. And I hated… no, really… HATED hearing it. Hated it so so much. Maybe I don't WANT to be a better rabbi! Maybe I would rather be a mediocre rabbi, or even a TERRIBLE rabbi if it meant I could be happy and sane and not want to die!

But suddenly, the words were true. I knew they were. Because the better rabbi was sitting in front of me, looking into my eyes and telling me his story. Because of what he'd been through, he was a better rabbi… indeed, the ONLY rabbi for me in that moment. Because there he was, having been where I'd been, worse places even, and he was sitting exactly where I wanted to end up sitting. Doing just what I wanted to be doing. He'd come through the hell I was in and had not only survived, but had gone on to be what I want to be. He had what I wanted. He'd been able to get there.

Miracle: I was given hope.

No one had ever EVER been able to give me that before. People had always said encouraging things to me, hoping to snap me out of the pit of despair in which I was so accustomed to wallowing. People had said all sorts of things to me, but none had been able to speak to me from a place of understanding, of experience and recovery, who had gotten to where I wanted to be.

A month later, as I was pulling myself together, I had a realization one night. I was sitting alone at home. It was late, just about bedtime. I was online, trying desperately to soothe the gnawing ache of loneliness I was feeling. Nobody loves you, I kept hearing in my head. Nobody wants to hang out with you, no one wants to talk to you, you're alone and nobody loves you. Suddenly, God spoke to me/my rational brain kicked in. However you want to call it. "Ok G," it said. "What is this? Seriously? It's 11:30 at night. There's nowhere you want to go, no one you really want to talk to, and you know for a FACT that there are scores if not hundreds of people who like you, lots of whom really really like you, and a bunch of whom even adore you! So where is this coming from?"

I answered myself.

I hate myself. I'm sitting here and I feel lonely because I am sitting with someone who hates me. If you sit 24 hours every day 7 days every week with someone who hates you, of course you are going to feel lonely, of course you are going to feel like nobody loves you!

It occurred to me that night, for the first time, out of nowhere, that there was this person named G, this person who was well liked and well respected by many, who was someone of whom people said to each other "this is someone you really want to get to know," and here I was closer to her than anybody, and I had no idea who she was. I had the opportunity to be her friend, just like all the cool people, and I'd decided that I didn't like her without even getting to know her.

That was ridiculous.

Miracle: I decided to be friends with me.

I would never willfully treat another person the way I treated myself. And realizing suddenly that I was the only person who was ever going to have to be with me every moment of every day of my life, I HAD to be my own best friend… not because nobody else would, but because I was always going to be there if no one else was at the moment. It just suddenly made sense.

Life has been amazing ever since.

And those are the big miracles of the last six months of my life. I didn't talk very much about the food, but let's face it… it's never really about the food. The food is the door to everything else. The food is, in many ways, the simplest part of this.

I thank God for every moment of every day. The world is full of miracles and beauty. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. When you do the work, miracles, REAL miracles, do actually happen.

Don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens. You miss out on the good stuff that way.

Living the Message = Carrying the Message

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Today I want to talk about what the 12th Step talks about: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to [compulsive overeaters], and to practice these principles in all our affairs." I've been thinking about this a lot since Friday night. I was at a concert, and I saw a very obese woman. She was one of the largest people I've ever seen out in public, and it looked like everything she did was difficult. I felt just awful for her, and I wondered what my obligation was/is to help people who are still suffering from the ravages of this disease.

It was still on my mind the next day, so I talked to a friend in OA with 3+ years of abstinence and amazing physical recovery. She had some great things to say, and I started to feel some peace.

Then, amazingly, this was my reading and question on Sunday:

Read Chapter 11 (BB). Discuss and reflect upon the vision God has for you. Discuss at length what this concept means to you: "The answers will come if our own house is in order."

My writing:

I love this chapter, because so much of it is about carrying the message to other people. I have been thinking about the incredible epidemic of compulsive eating all around me. I know I can’t diagnose other people’s illness, but I also know that our disease is under-diagnosed. I have been a compulsive overeater for years and didn’t know it until 2006. I’ve been thinking about this since Friday night. I was at a concert, and I saw a very obese woman in the back row. My heart just broke for her, because I could tell how difficult it was for her to even be there. At least physically. I was happy that she could still get out and about, but I wondered how to carry the message of Overeaters Anonymous to her! In A Vision for You, we read about Bill W. and Doctor Bob and how they carried the message to other desperate alcoholics. There are, of course, corresponding principles. That’s why I’m reading the Big Book! But I don’t know how to reach out to that woman… You can’t just walk up to someone and say, “You look like you could use Overeaters Anonymous,” unless you want to hurt and embarrass someone!

I talked about this with a wise Program friend yesterday, and her thoughts made sense to me. We carry the message by living it. By working the best Program that we can. By surrendering to God, by growing in our conscious contact with God, by releasing excess weight to God (in God’s time), by making calls and going to meetings and doing service… And being ready to share the message when people are ready to hear it, and when we are asked. If we are living the Program, our lives will show it. We will have what people want and when they ask us how we got it, we’ll be ready to tell them.

When the book says, “the answers will come if our own house is in order,” it is in the context of asking God every day what we can do for the person who still suffers. And the answer is just what I’ve been writing about: living a good Program, surrendering to God on a daily basis, working the steps, staying abstinent. Living the message leads to carrying the message.

The amazing coincidence (although I don’t believe it’s coincidence) is that even as I type this, I am getting direct messages on Twitter from a person who discovered my anonymous OA blog…  pouring out her heart about... At this very moment… I am living out the message. And now I have this beautiful opportunity to carry the message, to point someone toward the solution. I am so grateful. Here I go!

 

I ended up talking with that person on the phone and carrying the message that afternoon. Then I was able to do an interview with AllTreatment.com. Then I talked with an old program friend the next evening and hooked her up with a sponsor.

I'm so grateful for a weekend of encountering God, living the message and carrying the message.

Using the Tools of Recovery

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the tools of recovery. I have been abstinent for two months now, and I don't think I could have done it without the clear structure provided by working the H.O.W. program. We have to use the tools... It's built into our abstinence. Anyway, ironically, my reading/writing assignment today was about the tools, so I thought I'd just post it here...

And I would love to hear from you.

What is your experience with using these tools? Are there things you find especially helpful? Any you find difficult to use? Anything you're confused about? Anything you can help me with?

Discuss and reflect upon the seven tools of your daily recovery.

Abstinence

To me, abstinence is the foundation for my recovery. “Our Invitation To You” puts it this way: “Once we become abstinent, the preoccupation with food diminishes and in many cases leaves us entirely. We then find that, to deal with our inner turmoil, we have to have a new way of thinking, of acting on life rather than reacting to it - in essence, a new way of living. OA defines abstinence as “the action of refraining from compulsive overeating.” Since I’m working the more structured H.O.W. program, my abstinence is even more clearly defined. For me, for today, there’s a lot of freedom in knowing exactly what my abstinence entails. 

Telephone

As part of my program, I make every effort to talk live with at least three OA friends (in addition to my daily sponsor call). Sometimes this is a challenge, for sure. Sometimes it actually raises my anxiety, but honestly, that’s usually when I have not planned well and I save it for the last minute. At its best, and when I use it well, this tool connects me to people who are living this Program out one day at a time, people like me who truly understand this disease and are living in recovery. And it doesn’t really matter how well anyone is doing. If I speak to someone who has longer abstinence, more experience, strength and hope than I do, it’s awesome! There’s so much I can learn! I can ask questions and get advice, I can get feedback on how I’m feeling and what I’m doing to work my Program. If I’m stuck on something, I can hear about how someone else got through it. When I talk to H.O.W. members especially, I can get great advice on the particulars of the way we work the Program: questions about eating in restaurants, weighing and measuring, calling people, food plans and stepwork.

If, on the other hand, I find myself talking to someone who isn’t doing well, someone in relapse or someone who is struggling to hit their stride, I can be a light and a help. And it always helps me too. Sometimes I recognize the disease speaking and can help them see that, and I can always use that as a reminder to me to be vigilant in my Program.

Sponsoring

I have never had the privilege of sponsoring anyone, but I am very grateful for my sponsor. I am grateful for the clarity I hear in her voice and the great experience, strength and hope she is able to share with me.

Meetings

Meetings are the “front door” to Overeaters Anonymous in a lot of ways. (Well, for me the OA website was the front door.) Meetings are a great place to see recovery right in front of my eyes. Just like phone calls… I hear recovery and learn from others. I can also be of service. I think that full meetings are always really encouraging to everyone in the room, so just attending a meeting can be a great service to the people in the room. Sometimes – on a negative note – the meetings probably seem totally confusing and foreign to newcomers. We have a whole language of recovery, a “liturgy” of sorts. We recite things together. We stand up. We hold hands. We read stuff. We “testify.” So I think it’s important to explain things. To welcome people in and walk them through the experience of being new.

Service

I am grateful for the ways that people in the Program have served me. By being at the meetings. By sponsoring me! By writing the literature, developing the website, publishing the materials. By taking my calls and calling me! By reading my blog and commenting and writing their own blogs! By connecting with me on Twitter. Service keeps me abstinent. No doubt in my mind. I want to stay abstinent. For me. For all who have served and loved me. It’s a wonderful cycle. You serve me. I serve you.

Literature (include writing and burning)

For the last 60 days or so I’ve been reading the AA Big Book and 12 & 12 and then answering questions. It’s been an incredibly eye-opening experience for me. And then reading my writing to my sponsor and getting her feedback has been even more eye-opening. She helps me to see the places I’m just a little “crazy.” (She would say she can just hear the disease talking sometimes.) I actually had to look up the concept of “burning.” I guess some people are encouraged to burn their writing when they’re done writing it. I think that’s a little crazy! I really value being able to look back, see where I was and where I am. That may be one of the reasons I love blogging so much. I was a completely different person 2-3 years ago.

As far as OA literature goes, I don’t have a lot of experience with it. I have read through the “Brown Book” several times. When I was the secretary of a meeting in California, we used that every week for our readings. In my current meetings, the leader usually chooses a topic and we read related readings out of “For Today” or something similar. Honestly, though, I prefer some of the more basic material. I think it’s so good, just to go back to the basics again and again. “How It Works” in the AA Big Book. “Our Invitation To You” in the Brown Book. These are classic texts that always challenge and encourage me. The last few meetings I’ve led, I’ve had us reading pamphlets: “Tools of Recovery” and “A Plan of Eating.” I think sometimes we read a lot of touchy-feely stuff (which is good and important), but we ignore the basics and people do not get the chance to hear how the Program actually works.

Anonymity

Anonymity is a challenging tool. I don’t think I completely understand it, but I’m grateful for it. On one level, it’s about my safety to share without fear of being “outed” as a compulsive overeater. On another level, it’s about the fact that in the rooms, we’re all on equal footing. It doesn’t matter if you’re a doctor, trash collector, CEO, lunch lady, lawyer or gas station attendant, we all just compulsive overeaters. On yet another level, anonymity helps us place “principles before personalities.” Our experience, strength and hope speaks for itself. The principles, traditions and steps of this Program are what we follow, not people.

The Beautiful Freedom of Structure

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

 I'm coming up on 60 days of abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous following the H.O.W. structure, and I've been feeling a lot of gratitude. Today I feel real freedom: freedom from compulsive thinking and behavior related to food and eating; freedom from the insanity of weight gains and losses and gains and losses; freedom from compulsively weighing myself;  freedom from worrying about my body, my weight, my size, my appearance. Even freedom from fear about the future. For the first time I can remember, I know exactly what to do next in this program. I used to flounder around, wondering what that "next right step" was. I used to avoid calling people in the Program. I would read Program literature, but I was not willing to really do any stepwork. I had a couple of sponsors, but my relationships with them were halfhearted. I never had much direction, and I never asked for much.

Today I know what to do next. Have I done my reading/writing assignment today? Have I talked with three other OA members? Have I planned my food for tomorrow? Do I have the right food in the house? Have I packed my food for lunch tomorrow or made other arrangements? Have I talked to my sponsor? There's no guesswork.

I know to some this will sound crazy. I know this level of structure is not for everyone. But for me, for today, it's working. I'm so grateful.