Revelation Song

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's Sunday afternoon, and I had a really wonderful time in church this morning. I was especially moved leading and singing a song called "Revelation Song." Here's a Youtube clip of Kari Jobe singing it with Gateway Church in Austin. I'll post the lyrics too, because they are very moving to me... the majesty and power of God. So many contemporary worship songs treat God like a buddy. And there is some truth and comfort in the idea that God is right here with me, a friend who is closer than anyone else. I'm glad I can celebrate a God like that. But it is also important to remember that God is above us, all-powerful and, in many ways, unknowable. It is right for us to approach God with a sense of awe, wonder and reverence. I think this song gets that aspect of worship right.

For those unfamiliar with Christian worship, this may seem really weird, and rightly so. It's like a rock concert mixed with a church service mixed with a little tent-revival Pentacostalism. My church isn't nearly as over-the-top emotive, rock-show spectacular or... well, loud. But we do believe that when we gather together, something special happens. We really experience the presence and the power of the living God. And, although I often struggle with the balance between performance and worship, today was - for me - a great morning.

(And - just for the record - this is only one teeny-tiny little glimpse into what Christian worship is all about. One song in one church. For many Christians, this would be unrecognizable. In Protestant Evangelicalism, anyway, there are as many styles of worship as there are churches, for better or for worse.)

Kari Jobe is a really wonderful writer and singer. You may not worship and follow Jesus like I do, but I hope you can at least catch a glimpse of your Higher Power in this song.



Revelation Song
Written by Jennie Lee Riddle

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
To You, the only wise King

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus, Your name is power, breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

(c) 2004 Gateway Create Publishing

::EDIT:: I'm frustrated that I can't get the video embedded correctly. If you watch it here, it cuts off on the side. Oh well, if you wanna see it, you can click through to Youtube. :)

My Wordle

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I thought this was pretty cool... Wordle.net creates a graphic representation of your blog or Twitter stream or whatever. Try it for yourself!

Spiritual and Emotional Recovery

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm up early, writing on the concept of dependence for my sponsor. I need to call her in 10 minutes or so, but I thought I'd take a moment and post.

Today marks Day 21. I can't believe it. Thank You, God, for three weeks' abstinence in this program. I absolutely could not be doing this in my own strength.

I know it's not about the weight. Really, I do. But I was happy last night when my wife came home from being with some friends and mentioned that they were all noticing and asking about my weight loss. I haven't been on a scale in a while, so I don't even know how much I've lost, but it must be starting to show. I'm up in front of people a lot, so they have a lot of opportunities to notice.

************************************

Just got off the phone with my sponsor; she and I talked about this weight loss comment and how to react to it. We've talked a lot about focusing on the emotional and spiritual recovery rather than the physical. But how does the average person notice that in my life? It would have been amazing last night if those women had said, "Charlie seems so serene and purposeful these days... What's different?" But that's not likely to happen. Society focuses on the outside.

I'm reminded of 1 Samuel 16:7. God is guiding his prophet, Samuel, as Samuel discerns Israel's next king. God says to Samuel: "Do not consider his appearance or his height.... The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

I'm going to ask some people who are close to me - my wife, in particular, but also some program friends who never see me at meetings - to help me in this regard. To help me stay focused on my spiritual and emotional recovery. I will have plenty of help staying focused on the weight.

Alive and Well

My name is Charlie, and a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I haven't posted in a while. Just busy. Nothing's wrong, thank God! I am still abstinent. Almost three weeks in the H.O.W. regimen now.

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, so I'll keep it short. I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm alive and well.

Goodnight. :)

Happy, Joyous and Free

My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I feel pretty good today. I woke up at 5:30, read the AA Big Book and wrote on Step 2. I called my sponsor at 6:00, committed today's food to her and read her my writing. I have gotten in two program calls so far, and I have eaten two abstinent meals. I have been more present at work, and I feel good here at the end of my workday... Like I've been worth the money they pay me.

You know something else? My shirt feels looser today. It's the same one I wore Saturday night, and it seemed a little tight then. But today it feels comfortable. Am I slimming down? I haven't been on a scale this week (and I won't weigh again until September 19), but I think I've lost a little weight.

It is at this stage of the game that I normally start to rationalize sneaking food, cheating "just a little" on my food plan, larger portions, etc. I have a tendency to sabotage the work that my Higher Power wants to do in and for me.

Not today. For today, I continue to surrender. I will follow the steps laid out for me to follow. With the Holy Spirit of God as my guide, comforter and strength, I will stay abstinent today. And more than that, I will recover. And more than that, I will live as I was created to live: Happy, joyous and free.

Hello?

My name is Charlie, and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm feeling angry today. I am calling people left and right. For a week now I've been making 3+ live outreach calls a day. Sometimes it's awkward. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes I can just be there for a friend in need, and sometimes people are there for me. Sometimes it's more like "Hello? Just checking in. How are you doing today? OK. Bye." Check. One down, two to go.

I guess my frustration is toward those people in program who don't call back! I have only received calls from two people out of all the people I've tried to call. I have some long-distance recovery friends. They call (THANK YOU!), but the local ones never do. Am I that scary? Do you not make outreach calls?

I think that's it. The phone is one of the tools which is rarely used. I know from experience how hard it is to call. I'm facing it every day, and honestly I'm probably only making some of these calls because I have to. But come on, people. A little reciprocation would make my day.

"I find sometimes it's easy to be myself..."

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I sing with a local cover band. Tonight we played for four hot, exhausting hours (outdoor stage, middle America, middle of August) at a Mexican restaurant. I *do* love singing with this band, because I really love to sing/perform and I also really need the cash.

(Aside: I was recently accused of singing with this band "just for the money" by someone in my church who was concerned I was losing my focus on God. Does this person have any idea how little money local musicians gigging in restaurants actually make? Please.)

Anyway, I knew tonight would be a set-up on a couple different levels. First of all, they always give us lots of free food and drinks. Now I love a good beer as much as the next guy, but - at least for today - alcohol is not in my food plan because of its sugar content. And oh, the tacos and nachos and burritos! It's like the Holy Trinity of food!

But I was OK. I knew I would be... but I checked in with a program friend, texting between sets, just to make sure. I drank my free Diet Cokes with gusto and said a polite "no thanks" whenever the server came around with food.

The other challenge to me in a setting like that is far more insidious. I tend to start thinking about what I look like vs. what I think a lead singer in a band should look like. I don't really measure up. I can sing, let me tell you, and I'm pretty good at the "performing" part of it too... Saying the right things, getting the crowd up and dancing, etc. But that's where I get tripped up too. When I'm performing, I don't know how to just be myself. What is this elusive "myself" anyway?

I texted the aforementioned program friend, who assured me, "A lead singer of a band looks like YOU!" That was cool. And, apparently it's true. Because tonight the lead singer of our band looked an awful lot like me.

The title of tonight's post comes from a Dave Matthews Band song that I sang tonight, "So Much To Say." I had just read my friend's text when I sang these lyrics:

I find sometimes it's easy to be myself.
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else..

I don't know if I found it easy tonight, but I was at least reminded that I'm OK the way I am, that my body isn't out of place on the stage. That no one is distracted by my 50 pounds of excess weight. Well, at least not distracted like I am.

And the whole "better to be somebody else" thing... Well, part of that is my job as a performer. I have to be bigger than life and move around and at least TRY to look comfortable, even when I'm not. It's a fine line.

I didn't like my shirt tonight. It was a little too snug for my comfort... I want to be able to move freely and dance, and I do... but tonight I felt a little constricted. Note to self: Find a comfortable shirt to wear tomorrow. (We have another gig tomorrow afternoon.)

I'm up way too late. I have to be up at 5:30 (in just five hours!) to prepare for church. I've already packed a snack for tomorrow mid-morning, since I'm going to have a long stretch between my breakfast at 5:30 and my lunch at noon. Then I'll dash home, make lunch, put on clothes for the show, then get to the gig and play for three hours... Then at 4:00, I'll pack up and head to the church again, where I'll do reading and writing to prepare for my phone call with my sponsor at 5:30. Then another church meeting at 6. Then I'll go home and crash.

I'll try to sneak in three program calls in the midst of all that chaos. Think anyone will pick up?

(Aside: That three-calls-a-day requirement actually brings more anxiety into my life than the food plan! Especially if people are not picking up their phones... I'm grateful for the three who picked up today after I called probably eight people and left messages. When I *do* get on the phone, I'm always thankful... It's just the weight of having to make the calls that brings the anxiety.)

I am so grateful for you, my program friends, who love me and support me. I am grateful for a Higher Power who created me, loves me and desires the best for me. I am grateful that I get to partner with God to bring about His will on this earth. I am grateful for a voice to sing and opportunities to use it, both vocationally and recreationally.

I am grateful for a home (my very own home!), a loving wife and four amazing kids. I get a lump in my throat when I think of this sweet family, all sleeping soundly under this roof in the silence at 12:38am.

I will rest tonight, knowing that I am in the loving hands of God. Goodnight!