Thursday, October 16, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
I'm learning to rest and trust. I don't freak out when I haven't lost weight in a given day. I just keep going, one day at a time. I feel frustrated sometimes that it's not going as quickly as I want it to, but I'm also aware that my choices are not perfect, and that I'm living a little more generously. I have a glass of wine or two in the evening. I don't weigh and measure my portions. But I'm living this way. I don't have the temptations to throw it all away. I know that the decision to shoot for being different when I get to XXXXX is helping. It helps to have a goal, a destination.
And today I'm 202.2. That's the lowest I've been since March 25. And it's down 33.8 pounds from my all-time high of 236 a few years back. It's 13.6 pounds down from my most recent high of 215.8 on May 14. Good to be back in the game.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I'm frustrated. But I'm not being very hardcore in my HOW plan. In fact, I'm doing such a cheat-filled version, I feel like I'm gaining weight. I'm not. I'm actually down. But I have to get more strict. I will be happier.
It's all about portions now. Small portions. I can do this. Surrender.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Well, I'm on Day Ten. Thank you, God... I'm on a new path because I have something to live for, something to lose for. I got back "on the wagon" when I told the church in XXXX I was coming for sure. And I'm dead set on arriving there significantly thinner. I can't wait to see the looks and hear the comments when I arrive 40 pounds lighter. Or something like that.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Slipped yesterday. Not worth it. I'm OK, and I will start again with all my heart. I surrender. But I wish I had 9 days of abstinence instead of 1. I wonder if I have to go through all the withdrawal and everything.
I'm good at talking Program. Not so good at doing.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Wow. I've completely fucking let myself go. I am so tired of this.
Last night I thought to myelf, "I am NOT hungry. Nothing sounds good. I don't WANT to eat!"
And then I continued to put food in my mouth. Four cookies. Milk. A cheeseburger. Diet Coke.
God help me. Compulsivity consumes me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Another day. Let's see how this one goes. I don't have a whole lot of willpower today, and I guess that's the whole point, right? Hmmm...
So, to surrender one's life and will over to the care of God as one understands God... Easier said than done. Here's the Third Step Prayer, from the AA Big Book, with modernized language:
"God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of life. May I do Your will always!"
Monday, March 10, 2008
Feeling fat again. Ate off plan all week in Boston. Stress and anxiety are really giving me grief. Isolation and fear are cutting me off from reality and good choices for my body.
God, help me!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Day Two with no food is over. I've had nothing since around 11pm on Friday night. I'm fine! I'm planning to eat again on Wednesday morning, no matter what, and I may allow myself to eat before then depending on how I'm feeling.
Never thought of it that way before, but I think that's what I need. After yesterday's three dinners I need to start again, and I think the best way to do that is to just take a break from food. I can't seem to eat in a non-compulsive way, so I just won't eat for a while.
I know that sounds seriously anorexic. Never fear, Charlie will never be anorexic. I plan to eat again. I'll let you know when. And then I'll be on plan. Really. This time will be different.
(Ever type something and recognize it for the bullshit that it is AS you type it?)
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I've been on this OA journey now for about 19 months. In November 2006, I got serious about the HOW plan, totally went off of sugar and refined white flour, limited myself to three planned meals a day... It was hard, but God walked me through it, and I received many wonderful benefits in my life... including a 64-pound drop in my weight. I felt wonderful. I felt free from compulsion. I liked the way I looked.
And then, in May 2007, I forgot the basics. I forgot that I am powerless. I tried to take back control. I thought, "Surely one little milkshake from Baskin-Robbins won't hurt anything! I'll just have ONE sweet thing ever week."
Damn that decision. I have been in relapse ever since. I don't think I've had more than 20 days of abstinence since. And I've gone from thinking, "I'll never again weigh more than 180 pounds" to "Will I ever be below 190 again?"
I know it's not about weight. It's about moving away from compulsivity. But the weight is quite a symptom. I feel like a cow today.
Today is yet another Day One. Will I actually be able to turn it over to God the rest of the day? Will I actually be able to walk this road?
Honesty. Open-mindedness. Willingness.
Here we go again.