Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Peace to Me

Charlie. Compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I love how enthusiastic y'all are when you welcome me to this forum day after day. :)

I ran again today, after NOT running for four days. It was murder actually getting out the door, but once I started it felt so good... I ran for twenty full minutes! That's good for me... and I walked for five or six minutes before and after the run... Listened to my iPod and just enjoyed some cool weather.

Feelings today: sad, joyful, peaceful, anxious, grateful, regretful, resentful. Yeah, that covers it.

I'm still on the scale every day. Thanks for the support and encouragement to put it away or whatever, but I'm not willing to do that yet. Praying for willingness to let my Higher Power take care of that part. I'm a little bit obsessed with getting below 200 lbs. I haven't been under 200 since last summer, and it was just for a moment... a shining little moment. This time around, I have been losing weight slowly but surely (and YES, I know that 20 lbs. in 46 days is really quite fast), and it feels a lot more "real." I'm not cheating here and there. I'm just turning my food over and trusting God to take me to the results... And so in a sense I HAVE been letting God care for that part of it. Even though I get on the scale nearly every day, I don't despair when I don't see the results that I want. I know they will come in God's time. If I stay on the plan, surrender every day to this Program and to God.

I keep waiting for "breakthrough" in weight loss. Maybe it will come, maybe not. I lost much faster last time I got abstinent in Program. But I was two and a half years younger then too... Now I'm in my late thirties, and I know our bodies and metabolism change over the years.

Much change and anxiety in my life. I'm waiting by the phone for a call about a job. I have a lot of hope, but the phone hasn't rung yet. Oh God, give me peace and let me rest in Your love for me. My identity does not come from a job or from being skinny, but from being Your creation and the one You love...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Recovery and Serenity in the Midst of Chaos

Hi, may name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Hey look at that... I'm back. And I survived the visit of my relatives! I did pretty well... I didn't take the time to journal or even blog, but I stuck to the food plan and kept it up, one day at a time. Thank You to God...

I'm have officially lost 20 pounds from my "this time" high of 222. I'm grateful. I *know* it's not all about the weight. But man, does it feel good to see and feel results on my body! I even went out jogging 4 times last week. I *hate* jogging, but I made myself do it... I know it's good for me.

I've been feeling a lot of peace, even though my life is in a lot of turmoil right now. I have basically given notice at my job, and I'll be leaving the area at the end of May with my whole family (four kids and a wife!)... I am absolutely broke and cannot afford this, but I know it's the right thing to do. I am currently on a crazy nation-wide job search. I have three possibilities at this point, and I have no idea how serious they are or if their salaries could support our family. I'm a pastor, and so salaries are typically not very high.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Fear of a Repeat Performance

Hi, I'm Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I want to talk about one thing here quickly while I'm thinking about it.

This past summer I was doing pretty well on this food plan... a modified version that included probably too much alcohol... but I was doing OK. I had dropped down to 195 pounds. All that changed when I had some visitors, relatives that I love a lot. They are both compulsive overeaters, and it has had terrible effects on their health and the quality of their lives. But that week that we spent together wreaked havoc on my program (which was, admittedly, very weak). I ended up eating just like them by the end of the week, and it just went downhill from there.

So why am I talking about it now? Because they're coming to visit next week. And I'm a little afraid of that. But I pray that this time around I can do it right. I'll talk about it and I'll make healthy choices.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Dodging a Bullet

Good morning... I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Well, friends... I'm doing OK today. I am sitting in a Panera Bread restaurant drinking coffee and working/blogging.

I walked in, though, and the smell about knocked me off my feet. I am a big fan of bread, so why I would choose to surround myself with it when it's not in my plan right now is a mystery to me. Damn, it smells good in here. My addict started whispering in my ear: "One bagel is NOT going to sabotage your food plan. You can get a whole grain bagel with no butter or cream cheese. You are on Day 26 of your food abstinence. You're going to add in whole grains in four days anyway. No one will know. Just do it."

And by the grace of God I opened my mouth and said, "Just a small coffee please."

This feels like it's taking a long time. But the miracles of recovery are already all around me. I don't have the crazy cravings I had just a month ago. There's a sense of peace around my eating. I am committed to this, one day at a time, for the long haul. I'm actually at peace (today, anyway) with the idea that I might never again, for the rest of my life, eat sugar. I still am compulsive about my weight, getting on the scale several times a day. And I want results faster, even though I have seen a 15-pound weight loss in less than a month (remarkable by any standard), I am not satisfied. I seem to remember a faster loss before, but I think I'm imagining things. I think I'm not satisfied because this is the THIRD time I've seen significant weight loss... and I'm not convinced I'll make it this time! I've done this so many times, lost 15-20 pounds and then put it back on and then some... But this time feels different again... I'm committed to my food plan. For Today, I'll make it... I'll make it...

I wonder if I need to make fewer weigh-ins part of my abstinence. That scares me, and I'm not willing to do it yet. But I'll think and pray about it - really. And if you have any feedback, I'm happy to receive it.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Three Weeks and Eleven Pounds

Hey, I'm Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

So three weeks ago today was the last time I ate compulsively. I'm grateful for nearly three weeks of abstinence and 11 pounds "released" to God.

Lots to say but not much time. More later.