Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Wow. I've completely fucking let myself go. I am so tired of this.
Last night I thought to myelf, "I am NOT hungry. Nothing sounds good. I don't WANT to eat!"
And then I continued to put food in my mouth. Four cookies. Milk. A cheeseburger. Diet Coke.
God help me. Compulsivity consumes me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Another day. Let's see how this one goes. I don't have a whole lot of willpower today, and I guess that's the whole point, right? Hmmm...
So, to surrender one's life and will over to the care of God as one understands God... Easier said than done. Here's the Third Step Prayer, from the AA Big Book, with modernized language:
"God, I offer myself to You--to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of life. May I do Your will always!"
Monday, March 10, 2008
Feeling fat again. Ate off plan all week in Boston. Stress and anxiety are really giving me grief. Isolation and fear are cutting me off from reality and good choices for my body.
God, help me!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Day Two with no food is over. I've had nothing since around 11pm on Friday night. I'm fine! I'm planning to eat again on Wednesday morning, no matter what, and I may allow myself to eat before then depending on how I'm feeling.
Never thought of it that way before, but I think that's what I need. After yesterday's three dinners I need to start again, and I think the best way to do that is to just take a break from food. I can't seem to eat in a non-compulsive way, so I just won't eat for a while.
I know that sounds seriously anorexic. Never fear, Charlie will never be anorexic. I plan to eat again. I'll let you know when. And then I'll be on plan. Really. This time will be different.
(Ever type something and recognize it for the bullshit that it is AS you type it?)