Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Peace to Me

Charlie. Compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I love how enthusiastic y'all are when you welcome me to this forum day after day. :)

I ran again today, after NOT running for four days. It was murder actually getting out the door, but once I started it felt so good... I ran for twenty full minutes! That's good for me... and I walked for five or six minutes before and after the run... Listened to my iPod and just enjoyed some cool weather.

Feelings today: sad, joyful, peaceful, anxious, grateful, regretful, resentful. Yeah, that covers it.

I'm still on the scale every day. Thanks for the support and encouragement to put it away or whatever, but I'm not willing to do that yet. Praying for willingness to let my Higher Power take care of that part. I'm a little bit obsessed with getting below 200 lbs. I haven't been under 200 since last summer, and it was just for a moment... a shining little moment. This time around, I have been losing weight slowly but surely (and YES, I know that 20 lbs. in 46 days is really quite fast), and it feels a lot more "real." I'm not cheating here and there. I'm just turning my food over and trusting God to take me to the results... And so in a sense I HAVE been letting God care for that part of it. Even though I get on the scale nearly every day, I don't despair when I don't see the results that I want. I know they will come in God's time. If I stay on the plan, surrender every day to this Program and to God.

I keep waiting for "breakthrough" in weight loss. Maybe it will come, maybe not. I lost much faster last time I got abstinent in Program. But I was two and a half years younger then too... Now I'm in my late thirties, and I know our bodies and metabolism change over the years.

Much change and anxiety in my life. I'm waiting by the phone for a call about a job. I have a lot of hope, but the phone hasn't rung yet. Oh God, give me peace and let me rest in Your love for me. My identity does not come from a job or from being skinny, but from being Your creation and the one You love...

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