My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.
::Hi, Charlie!::
Wow. I haven't been here in a long time. Thank you so much to all who have bothered to write and comment. It matters. I appreciate you.
I'm on Twitter now. It occurred to me that maybe if I could Tweet throughout the day about my feelings and choices, it might help me stay abstinent moment by moment. It hasn't worked that way so far. But maybe it will at some point.
I'm definitely in relapse. The question is, where am I in the relapse. Am I in the middle, or am I at the end? I know the answer to that question... It's up to me. It's all about my conscious decisions. Will I choose life and God? Will I choose my health and well-being? Will I choose a life of freedom? Or will I choose illness, instability, chaos, bondage? Will I choose death?
It's 7:14pm where I live, and today... Today I am abstinent. Against all odds, I am abstinent. What a gift. What grace.
Now what?
I know a meeting is in order. I called my local OA contact person tonight and left a message. There's a Saturday 8:30am meeting I could get to. I hope I choose to do that.
Willingness. Honesty. Open-mindedness.
I remember those words. I remember the feeling of freedom. I remember losing 65 pounds. I remember fitting in my clothes. I led a meeting for a long time. I loved it. I loved it so much.
Why did I walk away? Why am I seriously contemplating eating some Halloween candy... right now!?
Self-hatred, I think. And fear. And a sense of helplessness. And plain and simple poor choices.
So is there hope for me? Yeah, I still believe there is. I "know" there is - intellectually, that is.
I'll hang on to whatever hope I have. Thanks for reading!
3 comments:
Hey there Charlie ... glad to hear from you.
If I may suggest ... here is a link to a great speaker on getting and staying abstinent, if you are interested:
http://www.omahaoa.org/oafallretreat2009.html
I would love to hear your thoughts on her. And keep working at it - no matter how much you fall, it's the getting back up that makes our recovery grow.
Your posting, especially the part, "Am I in the middle, or am I at the end? I know the answer to that question... It's up to me. It's all about my conscious decisions. Will I choose life and God? Will I choose my health and well-being? Will I choose a life of freedom? Or will I choose illness, instability, chaos, bondage? Will I choose death?" is such a powerful reminder of how HP works in our lives. You sound like you have some strong recovery already in you and it's just time to get back on track and keep on truckin"!
Also, thank you Legally Barb for the info re: ABC's of Abstinence...I have heard of this workshop and even had a handout from it that I found online, but I could never find the actual audio from the sessions.
Take care all...
Thanks, both of you. It's good to know there are people out there rootin for me. :) I ended up talking to the OA rep here, and I'm planning to get to a meeting tomorrow morning. I'm still abstinent. (Didn't eat the halloween candy.) Thanks be to God! Barb, I'll check out the link. Thank you.
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