Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Where I'm At

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

If nothing else, maybe I can provide a picture of what relapse looks and feels like, because it seems like that's all I'm good for these days.

I was doing well, eating on the HOW plan. I know where it fell apart, and it's ironic, because it was at the home of some friends who are VERY fit and health-conscious. We went there for dinner on Friday night. She set out chips and salsa. I had some, and then some more. And then I tried the pretzel chips with hummus. And then some more. A lot more. I got obsessed about the pretzel chips. I was sneaking handfuls. And this was all before dinner.

Dinner was awesome and healthy... salmon. Mmmm. But I was so stuffed I couldn't really enjoy it.

You know, come to think of it, maybe the first thing that I did "wrong" was have a glass of wine. Back in the Glory Days I didn't drink any alcohol. That was part of my abstinence. Now I feel like I'm above that, that wine and beer don't really count. HOW would say they count.

Anyway, since Friday, I've driven through Burger King, Taco Bell, Braum's and Chick-Fil-A. And that's just the fast food. I've had root beer floats the last two nights. I've eaten macaroni and cheese and pizza.

I long to be free. I want to eat again, right now. Everything in me is telling me that it doesn't matter. That eating another bowl of ice cream or cereal tonight wouldn't change anything. What's one more?

God, help.

3 comments:

The Binge Diary said...

What is this HOW thing? Can you explain it more in another post?

I feel ya on the fast food. They draw me in like I have no control at all.

Food Addict said...

Also interested in HOW... what is that?

I've been noticing lately that dinner never tastes good because of all the eating I do beforehand. And I looovve cooking - so I make fabulous dinners, and am not in the mood for them. I've been trying to focus on the upcoming dinner to avoid eating beforehand - it works sometimes.

Also, I have a hard time with my own eating around healthy people. I think I justify overeating when I watch my healthy friends eat not-so-healthy things.

sui said...

Have you ever read Breaking Free from Emotional Eating? Even though it's targeted towards women, it might be helpful. The path of recovery is a long one that requires a lot of constant effort, but you can do it ! :] Trust yourself.