Friday, April 8, 2011

Dinner Anxiety

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Tonight Mrs. Charlie and I are going out to dinner with a couple from our church. I should clarify. We are being taken out to dinner by a couple from our church. This couple is wealthy. They are in their 70s. He was a doctor. They are wonderful, bright, successful, generous people. He was instrumental in getting me my job here at the church. He currently sits on a board of laypeople who help to oversee my ministry at our church. They both sing in my choir at church.

So I feel a little insecure. I have no reason to be insecure. They like me a lot. They have told me so. They think I'm doing a good job. I believe them.

They called a few weeks back and invited us to dinner and a theater production (The Aluminum Show), and it's a lovely, generous gesture. I am grateful for their kindness and the opportunity to get out of the house!

And I'm totally tripping over dinner. Remember, I weigh and measure my food, even in restaurants. It's one of the parts of my program that I'm not too fond of, but I cannot deny its power in my life. As I surrender to the program, even this part of the program, I find freedom. But c'mon already! I do not want to weigh and measure my food tonight. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don't want to look like a freak. I don't want to stand out. I could eat moderately in this restaurant, I know I could! I don't want to have to explain myself or defend myself. I don't want to have to talk about addiction or recovery, especially with a doctor.

See? This is future tripping, plain and simple. I am anticipating what they will say, planning complete conversations that simply don't exist. It's fantasy.

By the way, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. I know I don't have to talk about anything I don't choose to talk about. I also know that these are wonderful people who I do not want to be rude to.

I drove up to the restaurant yesterday and talked to one of the managers. I investigated the menu. I'm having 3 oz. chicken, 2 cups veggies and 4 oz. of plain baked potato with 2 tbsp sour cream and 1 tsp butter. I'm drinking water. I'm going to be grateful for the willingness to go to any lengths necessary to maintain my abstinence.

I guess I just needed to get that out today. I'll be fine. I always am. I turn my life and will over to the care of my Higher Power today, as I try to every day. Thy will, not mine, be done.


Beth @ To the Fullest said...

You will be MORE than fine. It's already so obvious how close God is holding you. :)

Optimistic Girl said...

wow. "half measures availed us nothing"
To go any length is to recognize all the pain that I can go through if I don't. This is really encouraging for me. Tonight my son is taking the laptop for the weekend and I plan my meals on it, sooo I was complaining in my mind about it bcs now I have to plan for 4 days and be prepare but it's okay and I am grateful I can.
thanks for sharing Charlie and enjoy your dinner and thank you for reminded me is not about the food but the company.
Happy 24 hrs

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting about this. I had a restaurant lunch planned and it hadn't occurred to me I could measure my food there -- or that it was likely the only person who'd care that I do it would be me. I had a lovely abstinent meal.

Cody the Clydesdale said...

THAT WAS AWSOME! Very inspiring. I'm so very impressed. Congrats on finding a way to measure ahead of time. I never would have thought of that! Thanks for the phone call today, it meant a lot.

Cody the Clydesdale said...

oh, also I wanted to thank you for helping change my life for the better. Your post around Thanksgiving time did just that. I used to weigh out all the food I'd be eating and put it all onto my plate right away, then after eating it I'd watch everone go back for more & I'd feel unsatisfied. Now I do something like you do, I figure out what & how much I'll be eating ahead of time. Then I measure out one food onto my plate, or just a small portion of multiple foods, so I can go back multiple times. At the end of the meal I feel satisfied socially, and satisfied my hunger. No exadurating here, changed my life. I now look foreward to eating with family & friends rather than hate it. I can feel like I took part in everything everyone else did. Thank you.