Do Not Worry?

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I don't have much time to write tonight. I'm so tired, and I have to be up early for church tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is my twins' birthday, and we went to an amusement park all day today. I'm exhausted.

But I just want to say that I'm frightened. Mrs. Charlie has been experiencing a lot of pain, and she has been to several doctors and had several tests. Finally an ultrasound showed a very large ovarian cyst. Her doctor used the term "worrisome" several times and talked about the likelihood of having to remove her entire ovary. He "penciled in" a date for surgery... in less than two weeks. He took a vial of blood and is running the CA-125 cancer screening test.

I know the screening is standard. I know. but he also was pretty clear that he was concerned and that he wanted to act quickly. And I'm scared. And so is she. And we won't know anything until Wednesday. And that's a long time.

Funny. The text for tomorrow's sermon is Matthew 6:25-34. Do not worry. Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

If you're a praying person, would you please pray for her tonight? Thanks. I'll keep you posted.

Dinner Anxiety

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Tonight Mrs. Charlie and I are going out to dinner with a couple from our church. I should clarify. We are being taken out to dinner by a couple from our church. This couple is wealthy. They are in their 70s. He was a doctor. They are wonderful, bright, successful, generous people. He was instrumental in getting me my job here at the church. He currently sits on a board of laypeople who help to oversee my ministry at our church. They both sing in my choir at church.

So I feel a little insecure. I have no reason to be insecure. They like me a lot. They have told me so. They think I'm doing a good job. I believe them.

They called a few weeks back and invited us to dinner and a theater production (The Aluminum Show), and it's a lovely, generous gesture. I am grateful for their kindness and the opportunity to get out of the house!

And I'm totally tripping over dinner. Remember, I weigh and measure my food, even in restaurants. It's one of the parts of my program that I'm not too fond of, but I cannot deny its power in my life. As I surrender to the program, even this part of the program, I find freedom. But c'mon already! I do not want to weigh and measure my food tonight. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don't want to look like a freak. I don't want to stand out. I could eat moderately in this restaurant, I know I could! I don't want to have to explain myself or defend myself. I don't want to have to talk about addiction or recovery, especially with a doctor.

See? This is future tripping, plain and simple. I am anticipating what they will say, planning complete conversations that simply don't exist. It's fantasy.

By the way, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. I know I don't have to talk about anything I don't choose to talk about. I also know that these are wonderful people who I do not want to be rude to.

I drove up to the restaurant yesterday and talked to one of the managers. I investigated the menu. I'm having 3 oz. chicken, 2 cups veggies and 4 oz. of plain baked potato with 2 tbsp sour cream and 1 tsp butter. I'm drinking water. I'm going to be grateful for the willingness to go to any lengths necessary to maintain my abstinence.

I guess I just needed to get that out today. I'll be fine. I always am. I turn my life and will over to the care of my Higher Power today, as I try to every day. Thy will, not mine, be done.