Back to Life, Back to Reality

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's 7:35 on Monday morning. I woke up at 5:30; made a pot of coffee; did my daily reading/writing assignment; talked to my sponsor at 6 to commit my food for the day and read my writing to her; made and ate a delicious, abstinent breakfast (4 oz. cottage cheese, 1 tbsp. almonds, 1 banana, 1 egg, 2 oz. sausage, 1 piece toast); worked on my to do list; read a little bit on my new Kindle (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, if you must know); put on one of my favorite albums from 2010 (Janelle Monae's The ArchAndroid); caught up on some blogs; and now I'm trying to muster up the energy to leave the table, take a shower and get dressed.

I have the kids at home for one more day before school starts, so I want to take them to a movie or something. Anyone seen Secretariat? That's probably what we'll see, cuz it's at the cheap theater. It's either that or the creepy looking CGI movie about owls... My oldest needs to take the test for his driver's permit. Ugh. And yay! Can't wait till he can take over some of the driving for the family.

Christmas was wonderful and stressful all at the same time, and I'm sad and happy it's over. My phone calls with my sponsor have been kind of free-floating over the past two weeks, but this morning we got back to our normal 6am time, and that feels good. As an addict in recovery, I function best with lots of structure in my life. It started with a structured program of recovery, but I'm finding that this structure finds its way into other parts of my life as well. I thrive when I'm living on-plan. My life has a framework. I get things done. I can rest in the reality that I've done what I can do every day.

So tomorrow it's back to work, full-time. I've been kind of free with work the past week as well. They were cool about it since I basically lived at the church over Christmas. Let's see, what's coming up in this semester?

I'm taking another seminary class online... Interpreting the Old Testament. (Although in honor of my friend G. Rabanon, maybe I should should re-name it, "Christians Trying to Interpret Hebrew Scripture.")

I'm considering incorporating some regular exercise into my life. (Oh dear, this is starting to sound like those dreaded "New Year's Resolution" thingies.) Honestly, though, I'm not sure I can find one more free hour in my week. God will lead me. Give me ears to hear and a willing heart, Lord...

Having worked with my first sponsee and dropped said sponsee (another post for another time), I am now ready to work with another. Let me know if you or someone you know needs a sponsor. I am happy to work with you/him/her if there is willingness to follow the HOW guidelines. One thing I'm very clear about is that I can only sponsor as I have been sponsored. I pass the program on as it's been passed down to me. Here are the guidelines I follow, in a nutshell, and I would be even more clear and specific if we talk about possibly working together. You can email me at charlie (dot) edinburgh (at) gmail (dot) com or call using the Google Voice number in the sidebar.

I'll be heading to Chicago for a conference in February. It's one of my favorite things to do every year. I see lots of great friends, experience wonderful rest and refreshment, hear great speakers and music and so on. And this year I'll be presenting a workshop one of the days. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. And I'm wondering what abstinence will look like for me that week. I'm planning to be abstinent, but I don't quite know how. I am not interested in future-tripping at this point, but I do need to start planning. I'll talk more about this as it gets closer.

Believe it or not, I need to start Easter planning. Easter is the high point of the year in terms of Christian worship. My choir is on hiatus until February 9, but when we come back together, I need to be ready for them and have all the music planned.

These are the things I often wait to do until the last minute... and although I always get through them, they are not as good as they could be if I had planned. I have hope that this year will be better - as I continue to work my program of recovery and live within this day-to-day structure.

And what would a new year be without the chaos of kids? In 2010, my kids will be involved in drum lessons, gymnastics, church youth activities, math tutoring, soccer, track, guitar lessons, piano lessons. Oh, and school. Oh, and Mrs. Charlie and I will be driving them to all these places.

OK, I think I have found the willingness to get off my ass. Sorry this post was so random... But look, I have posted three times in three days! Woo-hoo!

Thanksgiving

My name is Charlie. I'm a grateful, recovering compulsive overeater from Oklahoma and an OA-H.O.W. sponsor.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a while since I posted, but I am still alive and well, working my program one day at a time. My back-to-back abstinence date is August 10, 2010, and - last I checked - I had lost 41.2 pounds from my most recent high of 232.2 pounds (June 5, 2010), 26.2 of that in the H.O.W. program.

I'm writing today from the Nashville area, where my family is staying with my wife's brother and his family. We drove here on Wednesday, and then yesterday, we drove up into western Kentucky for Thanksgiving dinner with my dad's extended family. Lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, and my parents. We drove back here to Nashville last night, and we'll head back to Oklahoma tomorrow or Sunday.

I want to write about Thanksgiving. Specifically, How I Survived Thanksgiving Dinner With The Family. I wrote this brief reflection in my journal this morning:

Grateful today for abstinence. Grateful for a clever and fun Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. Grateful for a wife and kids who lovingly helped me “act as if” I were eating. Grateful no one noticed. Grateful for calls and for willingness to call. Grateful for a food plan that nourished me. Grateful for safety as I drove 6 hours in the pouring rain. Grateful to see family that I love and so grateful to leave them again.

It was a good day in so many way. Oh, there were triggers, let me tell you. There was my Aunt C.'s lemon meringue pie, for instance, a pie I have always binged on. I'm talking since childhood. To the point that she would bring it "just for me" because she knew how much I loved it. Oh how I love that pie.

And then there was the whole host of other Thanksgiving-type food... you know, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, turkey and ham, chicken and dumplings, etc. Nothing new here. But so tempting. And these are the types of foods and the kind of occasion that would have, in the past, caused me to decide to "just give myself a little treat" and "start over tomorrow." How many times did I do that?

Not this time. And I knew I wouldn't. As I told many of my program friends in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I wasn't worried about slipping, about losing my abstinence. I was worried about how to stay abstinent without drawing undue attention to it. I was worried about how to stay abstinent without hurting Aunt C.'s feelings when I refused her lemon meringue pie. I was worried about what to say when people asked why I wasn't eating.

Well, first of all, I was strategic. My wife and kids and I turned it into a game. First, location. We chose spots in the far corner, far away from the buffet tables. Next, "act as if." I grabbed a plate, got in line with my 9-year-old daughter, and filled a plate full of food for her, walking along as if it were mine. Then I started "taking orders" for my family... potatoes for J., ham for Z., macaroni and cheese for E.... and I walked through the line, amongst cousins, uncles and aunts, filling a plate with all these orders. I took it back to the table, offloaded a bunch of it onto their plates, and then sat with a very messy plate - remnants of the food I had brought back for them - in front of me. I got up many times, grabbing this and that for people, getting myself another cup of Diet Coke, grabbing napkins for people. 

And you know what? I won the game! Not one person noticed I wasn't eating. Not one.

As I drove away, I was talking with my wife about the day, and it occurred to me that not only did no one notice, no one cared. Not in a cruel or insensitive way, just as a matter of fact. There were nearly 40 people there, and everyone was into what they were into... No one was paying attention to the food I was or was not eating. In fact, only one person commented on the 40 pounds I've dropped since I was there last Thanksgiving. People were concerned with their own kids, their own situations, their own plates full (or not) of food.

I used to think I was the center of the universe. Yesterday was one of those ego reducing experiences this program talks about. I'm grateful today that I can humbly go about the business of remaining abstinent, I can do what's right for me and I can be of service to others.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.

Still Here, Abstinent and Grateful

Hi, I'm Charlie, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Grateful this morning for 88 days of abstinence. Grateful for the willingness to work my program, one day at a time. Grateful for my many friends in recovery, in my face-to-face meetings, my phone meeting community and my Twitter/blog community. Grateful for my family; my strong, loving, faithful wife; my crazy herd of awesome kids; and my loving God. You all are my lifeline.

I've been awfully quiet here and on Twitter lately, but that's just because my "real life" is very, very full right now. I'm sure a huge post is just below the surface, waiting to be written when the time is right. Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, in the strength of my Higher Power, I can do this.

I'm excited to attend the Friday night phone meeting tonight. Hope some of you can join me! And then tomorrow afternoon I am meeting my sponsor to do the "stepping up" ceremony. It's essentially the end of Step 3, and there are candles and everything! I'll let you know how it goes. After I've "stepped up" privately, then I'll do it on a phone meeting at some point and then I'll be a Sponsor... Whether and when I sponsor anyone else will be something my sponsor and I decide together.

Remember today: You are loved. You are more precious than you can imagine. You are worth it.

Doing Whatever It Takes - And Gratitude for a Great Weekend

My name is Charlie, and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just wanted to take a moment and express my gratitude for another great week in recovery. I've continued to work my HOW program, committing my food every day, reading AA literature and writing answers to questions. I call three people every day. And I get to a meeting every week.

I had a really wonderful weekend with my oldest son. On Thursday night I had a gig with my band, and I talked him into coming with me. Of course, this was only a cover for my real plan... We left the gig, and instead of going home, I started driving in the other direction entirely! I had already packed the car with clothes and everything we would need for our time together.

Eventually he figured out that it was taking us a long, long time to get home. We ended up at a big beautiful lake house owned by some friends in my church. We stayed there two nights, rented a jet ski, jumped off a 40-foot cliff into the lake... and then ended our time with a ride in a friend's airplane! It was amazing. Such a wonderful time of bonding.

I'm amazed and grateful that I have friends with resources to allow me to give my son a great experience like this. And I'm so, so grateful that I had the willingness to go to any lengths to keep my abstinence.

I committed and packed all my food for the weekend in advance. When I got the the lake, there was no wi-fi anywhere... but cell reception was fine. Great. I could call my sponsor. I could make my program calls. I'd be OK.

And then my phone got wet on the jet ski... and died. Perfect.

You know what? I was able to pray (I actually said the serenity prayer on the spot) and then just turn it over. I began to think about how I was going to connect with my sponsor at our appointed time the next day. I didn't even have her phone number, because it's stored in my cell phone. But I DO have her email address in my computer, even though there was no wi-fi. So after driving through the neighborhood looking for wi-fi to "borrow" and finding none, I called my wife on the lake house's land line, gave her my sponsor's email and asked her to email on my behalf. I asked her to ask my sponsor to call me on the lake house's line in the morning. What a pain!

And then in the morning my phone was all dried out and worked fine. Thank God!

I'm just so glad that I didn't go to the food, and I didn't give up. I prayed, I surrendered, and I did my best... and God did God's part, and it all came together.

And it was an amazing weekend. I'm so grateful.