Without My Training Wheels

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I feel a lot like that boy today. Thrilled and terrified all at the same time.

But like that little boy, I have a loving Father too... Check out what I read in "For Today" this morning:

Today, I open my mind to everything that could be - possibilities that are far from the idle wishing of the old days, but rather a loosening of restrictions, a broadening of the imagination. I leave my life up to my Higher Power, remove my hindering ways and let my spirit soar. I seek to be more honest, more aware, to have closer relationships, a better ability to carry the message, more time to serve. I have received, and now pass on to others, what was once impossible: the hope of spiritual awakening, of recovery from compulsive overeating. For today: I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless.


So. I talked with my sponsor this morning about my plans to leave OA-HOW. I have to confess that I was terrified. I couldn't sleep last night. I got out of bed several times. I read and wrote in my journal. I prayed. I chatted online for a minute with my rabbi,  G. Rabanon. (It's not every Evangelical pastor who has a rabbi friend on Facebook!)

Here's some of what I wrote in my journal late last night:

"I'm ready to be done with HOW, but I have no idea how to quit. I'm afraid to bring it up with [my sponsor], but I will have to in the morning. I can't keep these feelings and thoughts bottled up anymore. So why do I want to stop? Why now?

"I know I am a compulsive overeater. I want to continue working the steps I want to stay abstinent and use the tools of recovery. I am convinced that I do not have these things mandated to me by my program. WIrh every passing day I am less willing to abide by the requirements of the HOW format. I want to work with [my sponsor] on the steps, but I'm pretty sure she will no longer sponsor me at all. I am very concerned that she know how grateful I am...

"I want to see if I can do this. OA-HOW says I can't, but I don't believe it. Deep down, that's the bottom line, the problem I cannot seem to get around. I simply do not believe that this method of working OA is my only hope.

"I want to transition well. I want to remain abstinent. I do not want to binge; not even once."

I finally fell asleep around 12:30, and then this morning at 6:00 I talked with my sponsor. We did the normal routine... my food plan for the day and my writing assignment. Then we talked about the possibility of changing my call time for the semester. So that brought up the perfect opportunity to talk about this.

I was afraid. I was afraid that she would be hurt. I was afraid that she would be angry or worried or disappointed in me. That she might lecture or scold me. That she would somehow reject me and dump me on the spot. In reality, I had nothing to fear... and I think I knew that deep down all along. She was remarkably gracious. Cautious, yes, but gracious. Always. And she said that even if we don't work together as sponsor and sponsee, she and I could still be friends and walk in recovery together. I was really touched by that. We spoke words of encouragement and affirmation, and we left it open.

For now, she's sponsoring me (as long as I continue to work OA-HOW day-to-day) until I come up with some sort of transition plan. I'll need to find another sponsor and clearly define my new abstinence.

So for today, I'm OA-HOW abstinent. I have talked with four program friends today. I have followed my plan. I have used the tools. God, give me what I need today to be abstinent and to move forward... without my training wheels.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's 7:35 on Monday morning. I woke up at 5:30; made a pot of coffee; did my daily reading/writing assignment; talked to my sponsor at 6 to commit my food for the day and read my writing to her; made and ate a delicious, abstinent breakfast (4 oz. cottage cheese, 1 tbsp. almonds, 1 banana, 1 egg, 2 oz. sausage, 1 piece toast); worked on my to do list; read a little bit on my new Kindle (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, if you must know); put on one of my favorite albums from 2010 (Janelle Monae's The ArchAndroid); caught up on some blogs; and now I'm trying to muster up the energy to leave the table, take a shower and get dressed.

I have the kids at home for one more day before school starts, so I want to take them to a movie or something. Anyone seen Secretariat? That's probably what we'll see, cuz it's at the cheap theater. It's either that or the creepy looking CGI movie about owls... My oldest needs to take the test for his driver's permit. Ugh. And yay! Can't wait till he can take over some of the driving for the family.

Christmas was wonderful and stressful all at the same time, and I'm sad and happy it's over. My phone calls with my sponsor have been kind of free-floating over the past two weeks, but this morning we got back to our normal 6am time, and that feels good. As an addict in recovery, I function best with lots of structure in my life. It started with a structured program of recovery, but I'm finding that this structure finds its way into other parts of my life as well. I thrive when I'm living on-plan. My life has a framework. I get things done. I can rest in the reality that I've done what I can do every day.

So tomorrow it's back to work, full-time. I've been kind of free with work the past week as well. They were cool about it since I basically lived at the church over Christmas. Let's see, what's coming up in this semester?

I'm taking another seminary class online... Interpreting the Old Testament. (Although in honor of my friend G. Rabanon, maybe I should should re-name it, "Christians Trying to Interpret Hebrew Scripture.")

I'm considering incorporating some regular exercise into my life. (Oh dear, this is starting to sound like those dreaded "New Year's Resolution" thingies.) Honestly, though, I'm not sure I can find one more free hour in my week. God will lead me. Give me ears to hear and a willing heart, Lord...

Having worked with my first sponsee and dropped said sponsee (another post for another time), I am now ready to work with another. Let me know if you or someone you know needs a sponsor. I am happy to work with you/him/her if there is willingness to follow the HOW guidelines. One thing I'm very clear about is that I can only sponsor as I have been sponsored. I pass the program on as it's been passed down to me. Here are the guidelines I follow, in a nutshell, and I would be even more clear and specific if we talk about possibly working together. You can email me at charlie (dot) edinburgh (at) gmail (dot) com or call using the Google Voice number in the sidebar.

I'll be heading to Chicago for a conference in February. It's one of my favorite things to do every year. I see lots of great friends, experience wonderful rest and refreshment, hear great speakers and music and so on. And this year I'll be presenting a workshop one of the days. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. And I'm wondering what abstinence will look like for me that week. I'm planning to be abstinent, but I don't quite know how. I am not interested in future-tripping at this point, but I do need to start planning. I'll talk more about this as it gets closer.

Believe it or not, I need to start Easter planning. Easter is the high point of the year in terms of Christian worship. My choir is on hiatus until February 9, but when we come back together, I need to be ready for them and have all the music planned.

These are the things I often wait to do until the last minute... and although I always get through them, they are not as good as they could be if I had planned. I have hope that this year will be better - as I continue to work my program of recovery and live within this day-to-day structure.

And what would a new year be without the chaos of kids? In 2010, my kids will be involved in drum lessons, gymnastics, church youth activities, math tutoring, soccer, track, guitar lessons, piano lessons. Oh, and school. Oh, and Mrs. Charlie and I will be driving them to all these places.

OK, I think I have found the willingness to get off my ass. Sorry this post was so random... But look, I have posted three times in three days! Woo-hoo!

Experience, Strength and Hope

Hi, my name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted here. I haven't gone anywhere. I'm still abstinent, by the grace of God. It's just been busy. So much happening all the time. With Christmas coming, this music minister's time is often spent prepping for cantatas and Christmas Eve services. And, of course, I'm always busy calling OA friends, planning meals, packing lunches, reading OA literature, writing (just started my actual 4th Step inventory this morning!), talking to my sponsor every day, Tweeting... Oh yeah, and trying to be a halfway decent dad and husband.

And you know what? I think I'm becoming a better dad and husband, a better pastor and friend. I think this program is working. I know my wife is happy with the changes in my life. She has commented that she likes this "new me" that is emerging. I have never felt so disciplined. I have never been able to stick with anything for any length of time before now. I am so grateful.

Last Saturday my sponsor and I met to do a "Step Up" ceremony. We spent two hours together, talking and reading and even lighting candles. I loved it. I formally became a sponsor in the OA-HOW program. It was powerful. Sometime I'd like to write about that experience. Did I mention there were candles?

And tonight I will "Step Up" on the phone meeting. I will be doing the ceremony and then sharing my experience, strength and hope. I'm a little nervous. But I think it's the right thing to do. I was startled when the meeting leader asked me to do it - only this morning - but after talking to my sponsor, praying about it, and asking friends on the phone and on Twitter, I've decided to go ahead and do it. God will guide me. I will say what I'm supposed to say.

So, my prayer tonight:

God, I offer myself to Thee
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
To Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.
May I do Thy will always.
Amen.

Still Here, Abstinent and Grateful

Hi, I'm Charlie, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Grateful this morning for 88 days of abstinence. Grateful for the willingness to work my program, one day at a time. Grateful for my many friends in recovery, in my face-to-face meetings, my phone meeting community and my Twitter/blog community. Grateful for my family; my strong, loving, faithful wife; my crazy herd of awesome kids; and my loving God. You all are my lifeline.

I've been awfully quiet here and on Twitter lately, but that's just because my "real life" is very, very full right now. I'm sure a huge post is just below the surface, waiting to be written when the time is right. Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, in the strength of my Higher Power, I can do this.

I'm excited to attend the Friday night phone meeting tonight. Hope some of you can join me! And then tomorrow afternoon I am meeting my sponsor to do the "stepping up" ceremony. It's essentially the end of Step 3, and there are candles and everything! I'll let you know how it goes. After I've "stepped up" privately, then I'll do it on a phone meeting at some point and then I'll be a Sponsor... Whether and when I sponsor anyone else will be something my sponsor and I decide together.

Remember today: You are loved. You are more precious than you can imagine. You are worth it.

The Beautiful Freedom of Structure

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

 I'm coming up on 60 days of abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous following the H.O.W. structure, and I've been feeling a lot of gratitude. Today I feel real freedom: freedom from compulsive thinking and behavior related to food and eating; freedom from the insanity of weight gains and losses and gains and losses; freedom from compulsively weighing myself;  freedom from worrying about my body, my weight, my size, my appearance. Even freedom from fear about the future. For the first time I can remember, I know exactly what to do next in this program. I used to flounder around, wondering what that "next right step" was. I used to avoid calling people in the Program. I would read Program literature, but I was not willing to really do any stepwork. I had a couple of sponsors, but my relationships with them were halfhearted. I never had much direction, and I never asked for much.

Today I know what to do next. Have I done my reading/writing assignment today? Have I talked with three other OA members? Have I planned my food for tomorrow? Do I have the right food in the house? Have I packed my food for lunch tomorrow or made other arrangements? Have I talked to my sponsor? There's no guesswork.

I know to some this will sound crazy. I know this level of structure is not for everyone. But for me, for today, it's working. I'm so grateful.

Some More H.O.W. Information

Charlie here, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just got this information from my sponsor and thought I would pass it along. I plan to do one of these phone meetings, just to experience it, in the near future. I hope you'll join me.

OA-HOW Phone Meeting Information
Great OA-HOW Information Site

More About My H.O.W. Program

Good evening, friends! My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Last week I posted general information about the H.O.W. program. Today I'll post some more specific information, including how *I* work the program on a day to day basis.

It's important to remember that this is just one man's program. I don't want to imply that this is the right way to do it or that I've got my act all together. I am grateful for the structured approach that H.O.W. gives me, because nothing else was working for me. Another point I want to make is that so much depends upon one's sponsor. As I described in this post, I really believe God brought me into this program at this time in my life and matched me with just the right sponsor. It was an amazing experience of "right time, right place," and everything sort of fell into place. My sponsor has stressed to me that one cannot give what one does not have, so she is big on giving me the program the way it was given to her. She's a follower of the H.O.W. structure, and so I am too.

The "guidelines" I agree to in order to work with my sponsor...

1. See a nutritionist or medical professional to decide upon a food plan. I had a "temporary" food plan that everyone is given until we can see the nutritionist.
2. Plan food in advance, commit that food to my sponsor every morning - on the phone - at a predetermined time.
3. Do daily reading in the AA Big Book or 12 & 12. Write based on questions that are given to me. (These are the questions that guide me through the Steps.) Share my writing with my sponsor every morning when I call her to commit my food.
4. Call in all food changes to a sponsor. For instance, if I need to change something... Maybe I realize I don't have what I thought I had or the salad has gone bad... I can't just switch. I have to get my sponsor or another H.O.W. sponsor on the phone and get that change approved. This keeps me from making decisions on a whim. There needs to be a good reason. I can't be making my own decisions about food.
5. I agree to weigh and measure all my food. Even in restaurants.
6. I had to agree not to eat in any restaurants for the first 30 days.
7. I agree to talk live on the phone with at least three other OA members every day. We call these "hook up calls" or "outreach calls."
8. I agree to only weigh myself once a month.
9. I think many H.O.W. members attend more than one meeting per week. My sponsor is OK with my going to only one per week. I attend a Saturday morning face to face meeting. But she encourages me to try O.A.-H.O.W. phone meetings. One of these evenings I plan to.

I was overwhelmed at first. I thought there was no way to do this, but I have found, one day at a time, that it's possible. It's more than possible. It's a new way of life. And it's bringing me life.

I will not give anyone the food plan, because I don't want anyone to make the mistake of trying to use this structure like a diet. All the parts are important, and it's NOT just about weight loss, although that's a great piece of it. We are all about spiritual, emotional and physical recovery. Sponsors are happy to get you started with a food plan.

And now I have to go to sleep so I can be up to read and write at 5:30am! I hope this is helpful to someone. I am not ready to sponsor yet, but I might be able to hook you up with a sponsor... Let me know if I can help. You can call (see the link on the right), email or comment here on the blog.

H.O.W. F.A.Q.

Hi Friends... My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've had a few people asking about about H.O.W. Here is a helpful F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions) from the HOW/OA Northern California Intergroup:

What is Overeaters Anonymous?

O.A. is a fellowship of men and women who meet to share their Experience, Strength and Hope.

What is its purpose?

To help ourselves, and others, who suffer from the self-destruction of compulsive eating.

What is HOW/OA?

Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. meetings have been formed to offer the compulsive overeater who accepts the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions as a Program of Recovery a disciplined and structured approach.  The HOW/OA program is formed in the belief that our disease is absolute, and therefore only absolute acceptance of the OA Program will offer any sustained abstinence to those of us whose compulsion has reached a critical level.

What does HOW stand for?

Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness


Is HOW/OA part of Overeaters Anonymous?

Yes.  HOW/OA is a subgroup of OA.  It is considered a special focus group that offers a structured approach at working the 12 Steps of OA.

How do I begin? 

We encourage newcomers to go to a meeting and get a sponsor.  A sponsor is the newcomer's guide during their first thirty days and a continuing helping hand in their recovery program.

How much is the cost for membership?

There are no dues or fees for membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions, neither soliciting nor accepting outside donations. Contributions are optional.  Newcomers are encouraged not to contribute for their first three meetings.

Do you have to be overweight to be a member of OA?

No.  Obesity is just one of the many symptoms of the deadly disease of compulsive eating.  It is not how much we weigh or even how much we eat or don't eat that brings us to OA.  It is the ways in which we have desperately tried to control our food, eating and weight.

Do we have a diet?

No!  O.A. is not a diet club.  However, O.A. H.O.W. does have a food plan.

What is the differentce between OA and OA/HOW?

HOW members are rigorous in our adherence to the food plan as it is written.  It is what works for us.  However, we urge all newcomers to consult with their health care professional.  Any modifications of the plan by your doctor will certainly be acceptable.

How do I change myself?

Your recovery is targeted at three levels - Spiritual, Physical and Emotional.

Is OA a religious group?

No!  It aims at spiritual growth, but it is not limited to any sect or denomination.  It is open to all who want recovery.

What if I have only a little weight to lose?

The amount does not matter- what does matter is that you are eating compulsively and you need help!

What is compulsive eating?

A compulsion is an irresistible urge to do an irrational act.  If you over eat or under eat to try to satisfy an emotion such as loneliness or anger, and are overweight or underweight as a consequence, then you are a compulsive eater.

What happens at meetings?

You will hear positive shares from recovering food addicts about their successes in their every day living.  How they applied the “tools” to their lives and became able to cope with distressing events without eating  compulsively.  People will demonstrate that positive thinking and actions are statements of growth and recovery and are examples of living in the solution rather than in the problem.  Dwelling in the problem is a symptom of our disease.

What do I have to do to start?

Come to a meeting, relax and listen.  You will not be asked to talk.  You will merely introduce yourself.  The rest is up to you.  There will be many people able and willing to answer your questions.  Don’t forget-we all started exactly the same way.

Does the program really work?

You bet your life it works!  At a meeting you will hear many success stories.  Not only will you be recovered to a normal weight, but you will gain a great deal of serenity and clarity that will amaze you!  Many of us came to H.O.W. to get to a normal weight, that our first and primary goal.  In the beginning it was our focus, but we soon came to discover the Twelve Step Program offers so much more!

Spiritual and Emotional Recovery

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm up early, writing on the concept of dependence for my sponsor. I need to call her in 10 minutes or so, but I thought I'd take a moment and post.

Today marks Day 21. I can't believe it. Thank You, God, for three weeks' abstinence in this program. I absolutely could not be doing this in my own strength.

I know it's not about the weight. Really, I do. But I was happy last night when my wife came home from being with some friends and mentioned that they were all noticing and asking about my weight loss. I haven't been on a scale in a while, so I don't even know how much I've lost, but it must be starting to show. I'm up in front of people a lot, so they have a lot of opportunities to notice.

************************************

Just got off the phone with my sponsor; she and I talked about this weight loss comment and how to react to it. We've talked a lot about focusing on the emotional and spiritual recovery rather than the physical. But how does the average person notice that in my life? It would have been amazing last night if those women had said, "Charlie seems so serene and purposeful these days... What's different?" But that's not likely to happen. Society focuses on the outside.

I'm reminded of 1 Samuel 16:7. God is guiding his prophet, Samuel, as Samuel discerns Israel's next king. God says to Samuel: "Do not consider his appearance or his height.... The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

I'm going to ask some people who are close to me - my wife, in particular, but also some program friends who never see me at meetings - to help me in this regard. To help me stay focused on my spiritual and emotional recovery. I will have plenty of help staying focused on the weight.

Day Ten - Structure, Structure, Structure

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I keep trying to start this post, but I don't have much to say. And I have so, so much to say.

I'm ten days into this new abstinence, and I feel so overwhelmed by the demands of the H.O.W. structure. Every day I read program literature and do stepwork, plan my food in advance, talk to my sponsor for 15-30 minutes every day at 6:00am and talk to three additional program friends.

Yes, that's a lot. But I feel so grateful, too, because - one day at a time - I'm doing it. With the help of my sponsor, my program friends, my online recovery community, my F2F meetings, my supportive wife and kids, I'm doing it. In the love and grace and strength and power of my Higher Power, I'm doing it.

Today when I talked to my sponsor and other people on the phone, our conversations centered on the scale. My sponsor reminded me that in H.O.W. we only weigh once a month. I think I might die, but I've committed to that as another requirement of my sponsoring relationship, and if I weigh again before September 19, I've lost my abstinence. So how do you focus on recovery - spiritual, emotional AND physical - instead of weight loss? I'm starting to catch glimpses of how to do this. But I know it will be a challenge.

Time to read more Harry Potter to my kids... I have 8-year-old twins, and we're getting close to the end of The Order of the Phoenix. Love these books! Then tuck them in, plan my food for tomorrow and hit the hay. Oh, and try to connect with one more person on the phone before tomorrow morning.

This getting up at 5:30 EVERY MORNING is killing me. And it's so good for me.