Lordy, Lordy, Charlie's Forty

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

And today I'm 40 years old. I'm grateful for many things... my (healthy) wife, my kids, my home and my job. I'm grateful for a God who loves me and who wants to be in relationship with me. I'm grateful that I have found a real relationship with that God through Jesus.

And I'm profoundly grateful that I can honestly say I'm happier and healthier at 40 than I was at 30. Recovery rocks.

Peace and blessings to all of you, my friends in OA and any other 12-Step fellowship. Thanks for your encouragement and support over the years.

Happy, happy birthday to me!

Sadness and Joy

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Strange mixture of sadness and joy tonight. I'm sad and discouraged because Georgia put Troy Davis to death. And I'm powerless to do anything about it. But I will continue to speak out against what I consider to be an unjust, inhumane, barbaric practice in this nation.

And I'm grateful and full of joy. My wife is just fine. And I was so fearful. We went in today, braced for bad news. Her doctor came in and told us that her CA-125 numbers were very low. He sent us for another ultrasound, which showed that her previously 6 cm cyst had shrunk to 1.5 cm. He said she absolutely does NOT have cancer and he cancelled her surgery.

Thank you, God.

Without My Training Wheels

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I feel a lot like that boy today. Thrilled and terrified all at the same time.

But like that little boy, I have a loving Father too... Check out what I read in "For Today" this morning:

Today, I open my mind to everything that could be - possibilities that are far from the idle wishing of the old days, but rather a loosening of restrictions, a broadening of the imagination. I leave my life up to my Higher Power, remove my hindering ways and let my spirit soar. I seek to be more honest, more aware, to have closer relationships, a better ability to carry the message, more time to serve. I have received, and now pass on to others, what was once impossible: the hope of spiritual awakening, of recovery from compulsive overeating. For today: I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless.


So. I talked with my sponsor this morning about my plans to leave OA-HOW. I have to confess that I was terrified. I couldn't sleep last night. I got out of bed several times. I read and wrote in my journal. I prayed. I chatted online for a minute with my rabbi,  G. Rabanon. (It's not every Evangelical pastor who has a rabbi friend on Facebook!)

Here's some of what I wrote in my journal late last night:

"I'm ready to be done with HOW, but I have no idea how to quit. I'm afraid to bring it up with [my sponsor], but I will have to in the morning. I can't keep these feelings and thoughts bottled up anymore. So why do I want to stop? Why now?

"I know I am a compulsive overeater. I want to continue working the steps I want to stay abstinent and use the tools of recovery. I am convinced that I do not have these things mandated to me by my program. WIrh every passing day I am less willing to abide by the requirements of the HOW format. I want to work with [my sponsor] on the steps, but I'm pretty sure she will no longer sponsor me at all. I am very concerned that she know how grateful I am...

"I want to see if I can do this. OA-HOW says I can't, but I don't believe it. Deep down, that's the bottom line, the problem I cannot seem to get around. I simply do not believe that this method of working OA is my only hope.

"I want to transition well. I want to remain abstinent. I do not want to binge; not even once."

I finally fell asleep around 12:30, and then this morning at 6:00 I talked with my sponsor. We did the normal routine... my food plan for the day and my writing assignment. Then we talked about the possibility of changing my call time for the semester. So that brought up the perfect opportunity to talk about this.

I was afraid. I was afraid that she would be hurt. I was afraid that she would be angry or worried or disappointed in me. That she might lecture or scold me. That she would somehow reject me and dump me on the spot. In reality, I had nothing to fear... and I think I knew that deep down all along. She was remarkably gracious. Cautious, yes, but gracious. Always. And she said that even if we don't work together as sponsor and sponsee, she and I could still be friends and walk in recovery together. I was really touched by that. We spoke words of encouragement and affirmation, and we left it open.

For now, she's sponsoring me (as long as I continue to work OA-HOW day-to-day) until I come up with some sort of transition plan. I'll need to find another sponsor and clearly define my new abstinence.

So for today, I'm OA-HOW abstinent. I have talked with four program friends today. I have followed my plan. I have used the tools. God, give me what I need today to be abstinent and to move forward... without my training wheels.

Needs vs. Wants, Sleep vs. Food

My name is Charlie. I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

What I need is sleep. What I want is food. I think this photo sums it up:

The good news is that I'm still abstinent. Tomorrow will be ten months of freedom from compulsive overeating. Thank You, God.

Now, good night.

Remind Me Again Why I Do This

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I am so sick of this! Normally I am relentlessly upbeat: This is the *best* program! I feel *so* great! Everything is *wonderful*! So allow me a little wallowing.

I'm not sick of abstinence. I am forever grateful for abstinence. This OA-HOW program has brought me hope and healing. It's brought me relief from years of compulsive overeating. As I have followed this program, I have released nearly 75 pounds from my top weight. My life has become more free and more disciplined at the same time. I just officially entered a 5K for the first time in my life. These are miracles, my friends.

My question is this: Can I recover... Can I continue to recover without the rigidity and structure of OA-HOW? Do I need to keep weighing and measuring - even in restaurants? Do I need to avoid alcohol? Do I need to call 3 people every day?

It's getting old. And I'm starting to feel like I'm in a cult or something.

I think I need to talk to my sponsor about these feelings. Tomorrow will be nine months abstinence in OA-HOW. But today I'm not sure I'll get there.

OK, that was not true. I will be abstinent today. Tomorrow too. I guess I'm just future-tripping. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. I don't want to have to call in my food to a sponsor when I'm 45 years old and 55 years old. I don't want to have to interrupt dinner with friends to rush into a bathroom, frantically calling OA-HOW sponsors to try to make a food change. I don't want to keep inconveniencing others with my strange behavior around food.

I know this is supposed to free us from food obsession. Why, then, do I feel MORE obsessed with food? I think it all got stirred up this last weekend in California. The planning, the phone calls, the packing, the conversations with my friends and hosts about what I needed - a specific restaurant, a trip to the grocery store, reading the labels on the cottage, borrowing a little cooler and icepack.

I know some who learned a lot in OA-HOW, and now they are in OA, still abstinent, eating three moderate meals a day. Did I mention still abstinent?

Another thing that stirred it up further... Friends have invited my wife and me to vacation with them in Cancun. I don't know if it will work out, but I am so excited about the possibility. Mrs. C. and I have never been out of the country together... not vacationing like that. It would be at a resort, with a swim-up bar, all the luxuries associated with a vacation like that. Dragging my scale around, trying to figure out how to make hook-up calls, reading and writing assignments, planning my food in advance... It just freaks me out.

So I know what the program says to do: Talk about it on my hook-up calls, talk to my sponsor about it, pray about it, surrender it to God. And keep using the tools. Every day, all the tools.

OK, I surrender. Feedback?

Blessed and Happy

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've written recently about some of the big blessings in my life... Financial blessings and physical blessings... Today I want to write about relational blessings.

First of all, I want to express my gratitude to God for my wife. I wish you could know her. She's hilarious. And fiercely loyal and protective of those she loves. She is smart and committed and creative and innovative. She's a tireless worker. She's honestly the force behind all of "my" good ideas. I keep telling people that all my best ideas are really hers. And everyone laughs and thinks I'm just being kind or something. But no, I actually mean it. She should be the worship pastor here, not me. Oh, and she's an amazing mom... We have three boys, and she's the best "boy mom" I know... out there kicking the soccer ball around, laughing and messing around with our teenage boys, getting into the same "extreme sports" stuff they are into... And then with our daughter, she's a great "girl mom" too... She can relate to our little E. with such sweetness, cuz she's been there! I love seeing the two of them together, off on their "girly nights," or working on gymnastics, both of them so graceful...

Here on the blog, I've referred to my wife as "Mrs. Charlie" - intending it to come across as affectionate... but I realize it could come off as dismissive or maybe even as sexist! The reality is, she doesn't derive her identity from me. She's not just "Mrs. Charlie." No, she's herself, through and through. I am the lucky beneficiary of her love and commitment. For nearly twenty years, I've had the privilege of knowing and loving this woman, and I look forward to the next twenty, and the twenty after that.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mrs. Charlie today! I'm so glad God made you, and I'm so profoundly grateful that somehow God put the two of us together.

I want to celebrate another relationship today. In the spring of 2000 I met the man who has become, over the years, my very best friend. T. has walked with me through the greatest joys and challenges of my life. He knows me through and through, the good and the really ugly. We worked together at the same church in California for many years; I had the privilege of standing up for him in his wedding; we have spent hours and hours laughing, watching movies, talking, praying and dreaming together. He truly is a kindred spirit, and he's taught me so much about what it means to be a true friend.

And tomorrow morning I'm flying to California to spend about 36 hours with him! Crazy, I know... It kind of fell into place at the last minute. He's organizing an art/film show tomorrow night, and I'm going to perform some music with some members of my old band... It's crazy. I'll be back here in Tulsa on Saturday night! But it is all worth it to hang out with T. I haven't seen him for probably 18 months now... I'm really excited.

And yes, there will be some program challenges. Getting in my calls, planning my food, etc. But I know I'll be fine. God's in this, through and through.

I'm a blessed and happy man.

Running

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm celebrating this week. On Sunday, I mapped out a 5K run in my neighborhood and then I ran it! Without stopping! And I had a great time... 27:42. That's like a 9-minute mile!



Now I should say that I thought I would die there at the end. I was way too confident, and I started out running way too quickly. But I finished.

But tonight I deliberately paced myself a little slower at the beginning, and then I had so much energy at the end I was practically sprinting toward home! It was an amazing feeling.

This, my friends, is another miracle of recovery. I'm so, so grateful.

God Provides, Part 2

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

If you haven't read the first part of this story, please do that first. Now here's part two...

I need to rewind a little bit here and mention one other part of my week. On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had been involved in caring for a family in our church. The wife's brother had died from cancer. He was young, only in his 40s, and it was tragic. But I was able to serve and love them, even though my Wednesday in particular got really, really crazy as a result. So that's another piece of my crazy, exhausting week... and it was that night that our van died and I posted (then deleted) my little "cry for help" on Facebook.

A little later that same evening, I got this message in my Facebook inbox:

"Charlie: I read a post from you that you need an honest, fair car mechanic, but now I can't find your post! If you still need a mechanic, I'm recommending... Although I've never had the need to use him as a mechanic, he led a class that my husband and I attended at... and he struck me as a very trustworthy, good Christian guy and from what I understand, runs a successful business. The link is to an article on his business. I hope this helps."

The message was from the woman whose brother had died. Crazy. So I thanked her and proceeded to have the van towed to that garage in the morning.

Nice story, right? God provides a great, fair mechanic through this woman reading a post that I only left up for a few minutes. Well that's not the half of it.

Around noon I got a call from the mechanic telling me that the fuel pump needed to be replaced, along with some other things, and that the bill had already been taken care of.

Did you catch that? The wonderful people who recommended the mechanic PAID THE BILL. When we picked the van up later that evening, the mechanic gave us the receipt for... $567.00.

I honestly don't know how we could have paid for that right now. No way. What an amazing gift.

And the story doesn't even end there!

On Sunday I talked to the woman again, expressing my gratitude at their amazing generosity, and she told me a little bit more. Apparently the night she saw my FB post, she felt like God was leading her to help out in some way. She prayed for guidance, opened her bible and came to this verse in the gospel of Luke. Jesus is speaking: "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" (Luke 6:38). She talked to her husband, and they agreed that they should do this for us. It was practical, and it was a way they could give back a little bit to our family...

Great story, right? One more little thing to share:

The very next day, their family got a check in the mail from the IRS. Completely unexpected. They had overpaid their taxes. 

I'm just blown away by the generosity of our God and God's people. I am so grateful. 

God Provides, Part 1

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I've been meaning to write for a long time, but I have just been stuck. Not stuck in my program, thank God. I am doing well, still maintaining my abstinence by the grace of God, one day at a time. But with work and seminary and home/family stuff and training for the 5K and all that, these days it seems like the only thing I can do is sit here and stare. The idea of being productive and creative... Writing a song or even blogging... Kind of unthinkable. It's funny, even AT THIS MOMENT, I am so tempted to just stop writing and "come back to it later." But I think I want to keep going. I have (what I hope will be) an encouraging story to tell.

So I've been swamped. And discouraged. Work has been tough the last few weeks. Easter was wonderful in a lot of ways - Holy Week, really; it's Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday (along with rehearsals on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday) - but along with the high of a great week comes the inevitable let-down of The Monday After. And then, on Tuesday, a one-two punch of criticism in the form of a very ugly email and then an ambush in a church board meeting. I'm fine if people disagree with me about the direction of the church and the worship music in particular. Of course we're going to disagree, but it hurts a lot when my character and motives are maligned. When a great prelude with guitar, sax, trumpet, trombone, drum, piano and bass solos somehow turns me into a Vegas showman "tossing my hotel room key to the girls in the front row." (I'm not making this stuff up.)

I should also say that I got tons of positive affirmation. Emails and cards even. From young people and older people. Easter was a successful day. 1500+ people in attendance, great vibe, great music and sermon... My sponsor was even there! (What a gift!) So I had lots of reasons to be grateful. And I was. But still, those negative things really wiped me out.

Wednesday rolled around, as it always does. And it's always a very long day. So by the time 8:30pm rolled around, I was ready to grab the kids and head home from church. As I backed out of my parking spot, the engine died. And it wouldn't start up again. I was just *done.* I had all four of my kids plus one of their friends in the back of the van, my wife was in a staff meeting for her new (second) job, and I was feeling pretty hopeless. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel and yelled out, "No! God, you can't let this happen right now! Please! Let this van start!" Alas, it was not to be. I soon realized that there was something seriously wrong, and I would not be driving the van home that night. I texted my good friend and fellow blogger, G. Rabanon (@RecoveringinOA), asking for prayers and support, then I looked under the hood to see what I could do. I began to realize how perfect it was that I was at church. Fellow staff members were coming out to their cars. One took my kids home, one went to get some oil. Eventually we gave up and Mrs. Charlie came and took me home.

That night I got home and posted to Facebook (because I am a hopelessly extroverted person and I *always* post things to Facebook), "Tulsa friends: Any recommendations for a good, affordable mechanic would be greatly appreciated. Our van died tonight, and I will need to get it towed tomorrow. Can't believe this! Only ONE MORE car payment left and it dies."

My wife came in the kitchen a little while later and said, "Charlie, please don't go making a big deal about the last car payment thing. We'll deal with this. I know it sucks, but we don't wanna be acting like victims here." So funny. She is such a private person, and I am so OUT THERE all the time. We're good for each other in that way. Needless to say I didn't tell her what I had posted to Facebook; I just quietly deleted it.

(To be continued...)

Whining My Way to Gratitude

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have had a very, very, very, very long day. All Wednesdays are like this for me, but today seemed especially busy. I got up at 5:45 this morning, and I'm still up, typing this at 11:26pm. I'm so tired, but I couldn't go to sleep right now if I tried.

At the risk of sounding like a terribly whiner, I'm going to tell you what I did today.

Talked to sponsee at 6, realized I was out of eggs, drove to grocery store while talking to sponsee (wearing pajamas and slippers and a sweatshirt), bought eggs, drove home, made and ate breakfast, showered and got ready for work, stood out with twins at bus stop, worked on Eighth Step, called my sponsor, drove to work, worked from 9-3:30 (incredibly productive work, I might add - I am not often that productive), began my "afternoon taxi service": Picked up middle son at home, drove to school to pick up twins, drove girl twin to gymnastics, drove boys home to get boy twin's soccer stuff, made and ate snack, drove boy twin to soccer with older brother in tow, took older brother to church, ran to my office to get sheet music and check email, rehearsed with men's ensemble in choir room, rehearsed adult and children's choirs, rehearsed with singing group for Sunday, turned off lights throughout church, got stuff from my office, retrieved two patiently-waiting older sons and oldest son's friend, drove friend home, drove boys home, arrived at 9:40pm...

Aside, or "Mrs. Charlie: An Appreciation."

Discovered my sweet wife crashed in bed, miserable with headache. I would be remiss if I did not mention that Mrs. Charlie is an incredibly hard worker and all-around wonderful person. SHE also had a busy day, at her 8-5 full-time job. She left work, drove to gymnastics to pick up our girl twin, drove to the soccer field to pick up boy twin, then drove to church where she volunteers as a middle school small group leader in our confirmation program. Then she took the twins home, got them into bed and went to bed herself.

Sometimes I miss my wife... Especially on Wednesdays. You know, the whole "two ships passing in the night" thing...

Anyway, got home at 9:40 to find my wife in bed, the girl twin still awake, tossing and turning up in her bedroom. Sang James Taylor to her while scratching her back. "You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am I'll come running to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall... All you have to do is call and I'll be there. You've got a friend." Got the two big boys in bed, put the trash out for the garbage truck, emptied and re-loaded the dishwasher, put the rabbit in his cage for the night, made a delicious dinner (eggs, cheese and salsa in a brown rice tortilla with V8 to drink), ate it while reading some more of Jonathan Franzen's great novel "Freedom."

Fired up the Mac. Put iTunes on shuffle. Listened to Adele, Erin McKeown, Josh Woodward (Thanks, G.), Joan As Police Woman, The Choir, Sean Kingston, Sleeping At Last, Chris Tomlin. Blogged about my day.

Felt exhausted but happy. Grateful. Realized that God was with me all day, walking with me, holding me up, providing me with three OA friends who called ME, four healthy and satisfying meals, fulfilling work that pays me well enough, a house to come home to, reliable transportation, a lot of quality time with my kids in the minivan and great music.

The words to the song I'm listening to right now (Chris Tomlin's "Lovely") seem appropriate to close tonight:

As long as I live, I'll praise you, Lord.
Name above all, be lifted high
For all of my days, I worship you
I worship you

5Ks, Body Image Issues, and Lots of Gratitude

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm also, apparently, to my great delight and surprise, a runner.

Crazy, I know. My friends, believe me when I say to you that I am one of the world's great couch potatoes. But I just ran twenty minutes without stopping. Twenty minutes!

I'm planning to run the Full Moon 5K in Tulsa on May 14. My wife and son will probably join me, and I'm training now, using the Couch-to-5K program. Every time I bump up to the next level, it's tough... but not impossible. And each time I get stronger. It gets easier. I love it.

I've been thinking about body image lately. I always saw myself as a "big" guy. I told myself that even if I lost all the weight I needed to lose, I would still be a big, barrel-chested guy. I saw myself as a big, lumbering guy. And I hated it. I know it's unusual for a man to talk about body image issues, but we experience this stuff too. I see the men on TV and in magazines, and I want to look like that. I sing in a cover band... I want to look like a rock star... skinny jeans and tight t-shirt and all.

But you know what? I've been lying to myself. I'm actually, really, honestly a lot smaller than I ever could see before. I was at my chiropractor's last month. He and I were talking about running, and he was working on my back... He said - I kid you not - "You'll be a great runner... You have such a nice, light frame." I actually asked him to repeat and clarify what he had said. Yup, I had heard correctly. I have a light frame. A small frame. Me.

Why have I never been able to see it? It's amazing the lies that we tell ourselves, that our disease whispers in our ears. I look in the mirror now, and I think I'm starting to see what I really look like.

Thanks be to God. I could never have imagined these gifts eight months ago. I was an absolute mess, and today I'm training for a 5K. I'm feeling more peace and joy than I have in years. I'm experiencing the 9th Step promises. I feel purposeful. I'm working on my 8th Step, and I'm not living in fear of the amends I have to make. I feel more connected to God, more in tune with my wife and kids, more accepting of myself and my character defects, more willing to turn my life and my will over to God's care, more able to accept life on life's terms...

I'm recovering, one day at a time. And I'm grateful.

Very Demotivational

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::


I am having a really hard time finding any desire to blog at all. Honestly, I can't remember a time when I've been so unmotivated to write.

I think I'm simply overwhelmed by all I want to say. Sometimes I think blogging feeds two of my most glaring character defects: perfectionism and people pleasing. I want you all to like me. I want to come across as funny and cool and insightful and authentic... and sometimes that desire guides my posts.

And perfectionism. Well gosh. Sometimes I agonize over every word, every punctuation mark. Should I use a semicolon here? An ellipse...?

Sometimes it's easier just to stay away.

And then there's the time factor. A good, well-written blog post is not something that i can just toss off! I get sucked in. I'm here for a long time.

So here it is, Sunday night at 8:42. I have a little time, but I don't think I want to spend it at my laptop. I have so much to write about... Should I write about the 5K I'm running in May? What my 5th Step experience was like? I could write about the OA retreat coming up this weeked and how behind I feel in preparing for that? I'd love to write about body image issues and the astonishing thing my chiropractor said a while back. ("You have such a light frame... You'll make an excellent runner." What!? Who are you talking to!?)

But I think I'm going to read instead. I've been reading a lot of fiction lately. I'm so grateful for the gift of literature. Books are a great joy for me.

I'll tell you this as I sign off: I'm abstinent today, as I have been for 223 days now. I'm lighter than I have ever been in my adult life, emotionally, spiritually AND physically. And I'm really happy. God continues to do for me what I could never do for myself.

I'm grateful to you for your love and support.

Living the Promises... Already

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Funny. I thought things would slow down a bit after Christmas. And I haven't even blogged in three weeks. It's been pretty crazy in my life... I won't waste your time or mine detailing all the things I've got going on. Just believe me when I say my work, my graduate studies, my responsibilities as a dad and husband, and my OA-HOW program are taking a lot of my time.

You know the crazy thing? I'm happier and more at peace than I have been in a long, long time. I'm content. I'm abstinent... Over 5-1/2 months now! At my last weigh-in, I weighed 177 pounds. That means I've surrendered 55.2 pounds to God, and I'm only 15 pounds or so away from my maintenance weight.

The Big Book says: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

I honestly think that's exactly what I'm experiencing... I'm already beginning to experience these incredible promises! The more I do this, the more I work the steps, follow the plan, surrender my life and my will to God, make my calls, eat abstinently... the more purposeful I become, the more disciplined, the better able to deal with life on life's terms.

Tired tonight, but happy. Grateful.

I have a big conference in Chicago next week, so I'm working hard to get all my work done before I go. I'm trying to get a week ahead in my seminary class, too, so I don't have to work on it there. All that to say, I don't have a lot of time to blog this week, but I have two topics I really want to write about... 1) A great food idea I'm going to implement in Chicago, and 2) body image issues...Hope I get to them!
 

Thank You

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I just want to say "Thank you" to my readers. You have encouraged me and challenged me. You have been an essential part of my recovery over the last several years. For me, 2010 started in relapse. I kept trying to get abstinent, trying to control my food and my eating behaviors, doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. Finally in August, by the grace of God and with a little help from my friends, I found that abstinence that I needed so desperately. I should say that it was given to me, a beautiful gift that I hold on to with everything I have.

And that abstinence has served me well, through a very busy and stressful Christmas season at church, through weddings and parties and vacations and holidays. This program works if I work it.

I realize that I haven't had much of an online presence over the last month or so. I hope to be back to blogging and Tweeting more regularly in the New Year. Thanks to all of you who've hung in there and been so encouraging.

Peace and joy to you in 2011!

Grateful in 2011

Hi. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm grateful today that I don't have to make myself crazy with resolutions and promises to God and myself, promises that I know I can't keep. For today I'm choosing to live like I lived yesterday and the day before that and the day before that one too. I'm taking it one day at a time, living the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous to the best of my ability.

It's a day like every other day, full of hope and recovery. A day of miracles. I'm so grateful.

Thanksgiving

My name is Charlie. I'm a grateful, recovering compulsive overeater from Oklahoma and an OA-H.O.W. sponsor.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a while since I posted, but I am still alive and well, working my program one day at a time. My back-to-back abstinence date is August 10, 2010, and - last I checked - I had lost 41.2 pounds from my most recent high of 232.2 pounds (June 5, 2010), 26.2 of that in the H.O.W. program.

I'm writing today from the Nashville area, where my family is staying with my wife's brother and his family. We drove here on Wednesday, and then yesterday, we drove up into western Kentucky for Thanksgiving dinner with my dad's extended family. Lots of cousins, aunts and uncles, and my parents. We drove back here to Nashville last night, and we'll head back to Oklahoma tomorrow or Sunday.

I want to write about Thanksgiving. Specifically, How I Survived Thanksgiving Dinner With The Family. I wrote this brief reflection in my journal this morning:

Grateful today for abstinence. Grateful for a clever and fun Thanksgiving Dinner yesterday. Grateful for a wife and kids who lovingly helped me “act as if” I were eating. Grateful no one noticed. Grateful for calls and for willingness to call. Grateful for a food plan that nourished me. Grateful for safety as I drove 6 hours in the pouring rain. Grateful to see family that I love and so grateful to leave them again.

It was a good day in so many way. Oh, there were triggers, let me tell you. There was my Aunt C.'s lemon meringue pie, for instance, a pie I have always binged on. I'm talking since childhood. To the point that she would bring it "just for me" because she knew how much I loved it. Oh how I love that pie.

And then there was the whole host of other Thanksgiving-type food... you know, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, turkey and ham, chicken and dumplings, etc. Nothing new here. But so tempting. And these are the types of foods and the kind of occasion that would have, in the past, caused me to decide to "just give myself a little treat" and "start over tomorrow." How many times did I do that?

Not this time. And I knew I wouldn't. As I told many of my program friends in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I wasn't worried about slipping, about losing my abstinence. I was worried about how to stay abstinent without drawing undue attention to it. I was worried about how to stay abstinent without hurting Aunt C.'s feelings when I refused her lemon meringue pie. I was worried about what to say when people asked why I wasn't eating.

Well, first of all, I was strategic. My wife and kids and I turned it into a game. First, location. We chose spots in the far corner, far away from the buffet tables. Next, "act as if." I grabbed a plate, got in line with my 9-year-old daughter, and filled a plate full of food for her, walking along as if it were mine. Then I started "taking orders" for my family... potatoes for J., ham for Z., macaroni and cheese for E.... and I walked through the line, amongst cousins, uncles and aunts, filling a plate with all these orders. I took it back to the table, offloaded a bunch of it onto their plates, and then sat with a very messy plate - remnants of the food I had brought back for them - in front of me. I got up many times, grabbing this and that for people, getting myself another cup of Diet Coke, grabbing napkins for people. 

And you know what? I won the game! Not one person noticed I wasn't eating. Not one.

As I drove away, I was talking with my wife about the day, and it occurred to me that not only did no one notice, no one cared. Not in a cruel or insensitive way, just as a matter of fact. There were nearly 40 people there, and everyone was into what they were into... No one was paying attention to the food I was or was not eating. In fact, only one person commented on the 40 pounds I've dropped since I was there last Thanksgiving. People were concerned with their own kids, their own situations, their own plates full (or not) of food.

I used to think I was the center of the universe. Yesterday was one of those ego reducing experiences this program talks about. I'm grateful today that I can humbly go about the business of remaining abstinent, I can do what's right for me and I can be of service to others.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.

Still Here, Abstinent and Grateful

Hi, I'm Charlie, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Grateful this morning for 88 days of abstinence. Grateful for the willingness to work my program, one day at a time. Grateful for my many friends in recovery, in my face-to-face meetings, my phone meeting community and my Twitter/blog community. Grateful for my family; my strong, loving, faithful wife; my crazy herd of awesome kids; and my loving God. You all are my lifeline.

I've been awfully quiet here and on Twitter lately, but that's just because my "real life" is very, very full right now. I'm sure a huge post is just below the surface, waiting to be written when the time is right. Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, in the strength of my Higher Power, I can do this.

I'm excited to attend the Friday night phone meeting tonight. Hope some of you can join me! And then tomorrow afternoon I am meeting my sponsor to do the "stepping up" ceremony. It's essentially the end of Step 3, and there are candles and everything! I'll let you know how it goes. After I've "stepped up" privately, then I'll do it on a phone meeting at some point and then I'll be a Sponsor... Whether and when I sponsor anyone else will be something my sponsor and I decide together.

Remember today: You are loved. You are more precious than you can imagine. You are worth it.

"Don't Water Down To Suit Your Fancy"

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I had a rough, long day. It was the big finale to a rough, long week. It started with a really sad funeral last week and went through a week of a lot of drama and discomfort. 

But I'm still here, and I'm still abstinent. This, my friends, is a miracle.

This was my reading and writing assignment for the day. I started reading and writing feeling stressed and irritated that I even had to do it, and I finished with joy and gratitude. I hope you are encouraged tonight, no matter where you are in recovery, no matter how you're feeling, no matter what your path or program of recovery, to stick with this. It's so worth it. It's always worth it.

10c) Don’t Water Down to Suit Your Fancy.

Read BB Preface page xi, paragraph 2; page 58, paragraph 1.

Read Bill W. page 229, paragraph 4 beginning with “If also some” and ending with “life.”

Read Doctor Bob and the Good Old Timers pages 261 top to 262 top ending with “program anymore.”

This reading assignment was very simple today, but so relevant. Today I’ve been frazzled. I’m tired. I really want to go to bed early, and I have a list a mile long of things I want to get done before I go to bed. I left the house at 6 this morning and didn’t get home until 5:30 due to all the commitments I had. I didn’t even begin to think of program commitments like the calls and reading/writing until was driving home, and then I felt overwhelmed by all I had to do. But when I finally sat down to read and write, I get to these very basic thoughts. This program works, if we follow it “as is.” It’s not about picking and choosing the parts that apply to me. Because when I do that, when I get in my head and start trying to “figure it out,” I get crazy. Or maybe I should say the craziness starts to come out to play. Cause I’m always crazy, it’s just that this program of recovery keeps the craziness at bay.

I’ve been telling people on my hook-up calls today that the program works. It has gotten me through a couple of busy, crazy days. Days I would have made exceptions for in the past. Days I would have broken abstinence because of “special circumstances.” I have done that countless times. This program works because I’m still abstinent, 76 days in. I’m still here. Through a weekend retreat with my son where I lost my cell phone along with all my phone numbers. Through a BBQ early on with my band and vocal team at church. Through dinners and lunches out with friends, colleagues and parishioners. Through an all-day retreat in Wichita where I packed my meals in individual sacks and went to the car at each meal to get my brown bag from the cooler to take in and eat with my friends in the cafeteria. Through a somewhat spontaneous lunch today with church friends. Through my wife’s and my anniversary, my birthday, the twins’ birthday. Through band gigs where there was all kinds of free food and beer. All situations where in the past, I would have just HAD to eat… Would have HAD to fudge it just a little. But no, I’m abstinent. Because of this program. Because of all the tools. Because of friends who are in this with me, guiding me and showing me how we work it.

And if it’s worked in these situations, it’ll work in all situations. Thanksgivings and missions trips and conferences. And even at my daughter’s wedding.** And I don’t feel like I’m future-tripping in saying that. I think it feels to me more like surrendering to the reality that this program can and does work in all the situations of life as long as I remain honest, open-minded and willing. And as long as I just keep on doing the next right thing.

**These are all future things my sponsor and I have talked about. In fact, I am always guaranteed a laugh in an OA meeting when I use the following line about my tendency to future-trip: 

"I get really panicky sometimes when I think about never having sugar again. How will I ever get through my daughter's wedding without having a piece of her wedding cake? 

(beat)

My daughter is nine years old...."

With Gratitude

Hi. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have been reflecting on my two months of abstinence in the Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. program. I have so much gratitude for where I am today. 

On August 2, I wrote this post. It was basically moaning and whining and complaining. I was so angry, so resentful. I was a victim. I was hopeless and helpless.

A couple of days later, my blogger friend G. Rabanon (@RecoveringinOA on Twitter) reached out to me via email. I've asked her if I can share her email, because it was a life-changer for me. God used it, along with a phone call from the woman who is now my sponsor, to get me back to an O.A. meeting where I found a sponsor - that very day - and surrendered to this structured plan of recovery.

Here's G.'s [slightly abridged] email:

"Hi!

Looks like you've got a serious case of the "fuck it"s. It's ok, it happens to all of us. I understand losing your willingness. It's a horrible feeling...

You made the distinction, Charlie, between a slip and a relapse. Well, let me tell you, there is no difference. Know why? Because all any of us has is Today, This Moment, Right Now. There's no such thing as relapse, there is just "Are you slipping now? How about now? What about now? Did you slip now? You gonna slip now?" Every moment that you don't slip, you are abstinent. When you slip, you lose that abstinence. You need to make a decision, Charlie. From this moment (if you are eating something not abstinent right now, stop. Just stop. Now. Just for this moment STOP!) you are abstinent. You are abstinent RIGHT NOW as you are reading this. The decision you have to make RIGHT NOW Charlie, is to NOT LOSE YOUR ABSTINENCE RIGHT NOW. Just for this moment. And now the moment has passed. And now in this moment, DO NOT LOSE YOUR ABSTINENCE! Just for this moment... and now the moment has passed. That is all you have to do Charlie. And it is so hard not to string the time together and lose track and lose sight of each individual minute, but that is what we have to do. We who suffer from the disease of addiction have to remember moments like other "normal" people can get away with ignoring. Sometimes it really really sucks. But you know... I think overall it's a blessing. How many Normals routinely make the effort to experience every minute of their lives and to be grateful for it? Our lives depend on it. In that sense, we are the lucky ones.

I'm with you Charlie, and so is God. God loves you even when you forget to take His hand. He's still reaching out to you. And when you have one hand in mine and one hand in God's, you have no free hands to pick up.

I wish you an abstinent weekend and look forward to hearing from you. :)

-g" 

Today I celebrate the 12th Step - "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive overeaters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs" - with great gratitude to G. and to my sponsor. And to anyone else who carries the message by reading or commenting here on my blog, calling or emailing me, or sharing in O.A. meetings. You all are awesome, and I am so grateful for you.

The Beautiful Freedom of Structure

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

 I'm coming up on 60 days of abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous following the H.O.W. structure, and I've been feeling a lot of gratitude. Today I feel real freedom: freedom from compulsive thinking and behavior related to food and eating; freedom from the insanity of weight gains and losses and gains and losses; freedom from compulsively weighing myself;  freedom from worrying about my body, my weight, my size, my appearance. Even freedom from fear about the future. For the first time I can remember, I know exactly what to do next in this program. I used to flounder around, wondering what that "next right step" was. I used to avoid calling people in the Program. I would read Program literature, but I was not willing to really do any stepwork. I had a couple of sponsors, but my relationships with them were halfhearted. I never had much direction, and I never asked for much.

Today I know what to do next. Have I done my reading/writing assignment today? Have I talked with three other OA members? Have I planned my food for tomorrow? Do I have the right food in the house? Have I packed my food for lunch tomorrow or made other arrangements? Have I talked to my sponsor? There's no guesswork.

I know to some this will sound crazy. I know this level of structure is not for everyone. But for me, for today, it's working. I'm so grateful.