New Look

Hi, I'm Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm grateful that I had the willingness to remove the weight tracker from the top of my blog tonight. (You can still see it at the bottom if you really want to.)

I've been compulsive about my weight. Now I'm only weighing once a month. As they say in OA, it's none of my business how much I weigh.

Abstinent Today

Charlie here, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I have had a rough time of it lately, seemingly unable to stay abstinent. I emailed my sponsor last night, feeling very defeated. Here's what I wrote:

Hi _____,

I feel really hopeless about food right now. I just have no willingness to NOT eat. And I never want to call you or anyone else... I'm not sure why. I'm sorry I haven't done what I said I would do.

Powerlessness.

I wake up every morning, determined to eat well. This morning was no exception. I ate my normal cottage cheese with fruit, 2 pieces of whole-grain toast and coffee. Then I went to work and got a lot accomplished. I even asked some people at work if they would like to start a weekly support group for eating issues (I sent an email) and I got 5 responses!

Then I came home for a late lunch and ate a can of chili with cheese and sour cream. I don't know, somewhere along the way I decided that chili fit my food plan. Then I got a craving for cereal with sugar, so I just did it. It wasn't even really a big "will I or won't I" moment... I just did it. It's like I've given up. I have no resistance.

I suppose this is relapse. I'm "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I guess all I can do is pray...

GOD, please give me willingness to turn my life and my will over to you. Please help me to say yes to life and no to choices that lead to death. Please give me serenity and hope. Amen.

I guess I am starting again now. Do you think my food plan is too strict? Sometimes I think I would do better with just a 3-meal plan but don't restrict it. Maybe I could start with 3 meals a day, no sugar and no snacks. What do you think of that?

Charlie

She wrote back this morning and encouraged me to remember that I'm not doing this to lose weight, I'm doing it to be healthy and to stop my compulsive behavior. She wrote, "I have found for myself that a 'loose' food plan that you stick to is far better than a 'strict' one that you don't stick to. Be willing to be grateful when you follow that 'loose' plan and to count yourself abstinent. Then see how many others of the OA tools and steps you are willing to make a regular part of your life. "

I'm so grateful to have a sponsor. She is a wise lady who cares and who has a lot of great abstinence...

I'm about to go to bed, but I wanted to take this time to think about my abstinence and be grateful. I always find this time of night to be the toughest. How I long to grab a bowl of cereal or a bagel! But I don't need that. I've eaten plenty of food tonight. I will not starve. I will wake up in the morning and have my breakfast. I will eat lunch and dinner. There is no shortage of food in my life. No need to panic.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post. I'm humbled and grateful for the community of support that I have in OA and on this blog.

Progress, Not Perfection?

Charlie, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I struggle with black/white thinking. I don't want to do it unless it's perfect. That's why I slip again and again and then say "what the hell" and dive into relapse.

Yesterday I ate a "perfect" breakfast and a "perfect" lunch. Then I worked out... met a friend for racquetball. Good, good...

Then, my family went out to Outback Steakhouse. First I had bread. Then bacon cheese fries. Then a beer.

Now, is that a slip? Do I start over? Normally I would say YES and dive into dessert. Last night I said NO and didn't have any dessert even though my family had cheesecake and brownies and ice cream. Then this morning I had a great breakfast and went to an OA meeting. Then I had a great lunch, and now I'm drinking black coffee and writing this post.

That's not perfection, but it is progress.

What do you think? Am I still abstinent? Do I "start over" on my days or what?

Keep Coming Back

I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I don't know what else to do except to keep coming back, to keep trying to work this out... I need to email my sponsor, and I commit to doing that as soon as I publish this post. I am not able to stop eating compulsively. Day after day I am proving my powerlessness.

I know this, I must stop now. I have to turn this over now. Not tomorrow. I have to be abstinent starting now. Even though that's messy and not perfect.

I emailed my sponsor my food plan a few days ago, and she agrees it's a good start.

3 meals a day - no snacks.
No sugar
No refined white flour
Only non-caloric beverages

That's it! I want to surrender to that plan.

The one thing I have stuck to (Jess, you'll be glad to hear this, I think.) is that I have not weighed myself since 2/19. And I won't until 3/19.

Checking In

Hi Everybody, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Whew... I'm still here. Not well, but here. I have a sponsor. That's good. I have a food plan for now, but I'm not following it.

I feel a little hopeless, but I know God loves me and is with me.

Needs

Charlie here, compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I need:

• To focus. I am so ADD. I flit from one thing to the next. I have multiple windows open on my computer at all times. I'm always in the middle of ten things and I don't do any of them well. I feel frantic and unfocused.
• To rest. I have been surviving on 5-6 hours of sleep a night. I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings.
• To connect with God. I'm reading through the bible in a year. It's amazing that I've made it to February 19 without skipping one single day. But you should see how I read... skimming, rushed, not allowing the text to speak to me.
• To connect with my wife. I miss her.
• To get to a meeting. I'm going tomorrow morning.
• A sponsor. I have never had one, officially, in OA.
• A reasonable plan of eating.
• To stay off my scale. I weighed this morning, and I'm going to stay off of it now until March 19.
• To figure out a way to focus more on my studies and less on distractions.

To start, tonight I will do homework and try to be to sleep at a reasonable time, then tomorrow morning I'll go to the meeting and we'll go from there. One day at a time.

For now, my food plan is just this: Only eat three meals a day. No snacks. That's all I am willing to do for now. I'll discuss with my sponsor and hopefully have a plan in the next two days.

"Wounds from a Friend"

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Well. It's been a while, huh? If you've read this blog at all or followed me on Twitter, you know that I've had my ups and downs (literally), and that I've been in relapse now for several weeks. My weight has soared again, and I have just basically given up. I hate myself and my body and at the same time I just stuff and stuff. I "get on plan" for half a day here or there, but I don't go to meetings, I don't have a sponsor, I don't blog every day, I don't work the 12 Steps.

I got a comment yesterday I'd like to share. Since it's in the comments already, I assume it's OK to share "publicly." Here it is, in its entirety:

Okay, I'm gonna be brutal here, since your sponsor isn't doing it.

Your current food plan isn't working. Only you know if it's too restrictive or too loose, but it has to change to something that's a sturdy handrail to abstinence, not a prison and not a flimsy rope.

Weighing yourself daily isn't working. Even the OA literature admits once a month is probably best. And, as a compulsive weigher, myself, my day can be amazing or ruined depending on what my scale tells me. Just like I have to put my scale away, you need to, also.

Skipping meetings isn't working. We're addicts, just like alcoholics and just like drug addicts. We use food to numb and soothe ourselves, to medicate ourselves. People who I've met who step multiple groups say that OA is the hardest because they don't have a "drug plan" or "alcohol plan" to contend with. We need the input of others to help us figure out what works for us. And, food addiction has a horrible side effect--isolation. Isolation is death, because when we isolate, we aren't accountable to anyone. Plus, the people in that room empathize. They know what it's like to feel the siren song from the refrigerator or the bakery or the fast food joint.

Charlie, you're worth it. You're worth the footwork to heal the whole kit and caboodle. Diets don't work, but recovery does. I mean, if it didn't, why would every diet plan out there be offering support to "change the way you eat".

You're the first OA blogger I ever found. You inspired me to know I could do this. Because of you, I'm getting an OA 4 month coin tonight (okay, it's an AA coin with the serenity prayer on the back, but it's still a milestone). You gave me hope that I could find not only a body I could like but recovery of my spirit, heart, mind, and soul. You can do this, Charlie. I have as much faith in that fact as I do in the program. I promise you that you are worth it.

Jess, I almost cried when I read that. Thank you for continuing to check in. Thank you for caring enough to write and challenge me. Thank you for being "brutal." I need it. Proverbs 27:6 says that "wounds from a friend can be trusted."

I commit to going to the OA meeting Saturday morning. I commit to asking someone to sponsor me, if not forever, at least temporarily. I commit to working the steps. I commit to posting here and checking in more regularly. I commit to (gulp) putting away the scale and only weighing once a month.

Honestly, this feels pretty miserable, but I suspect that these commitments will be my salvation.