I have had a rough time of it lately, seemingly unable to stay abstinent. I emailed my sponsor last night, feeling very defeated. Here's what I wrote:
Hi _____,She wrote back this morning and encouraged me to remember that I'm not doing this to lose weight, I'm doing it to be healthy and to stop my compulsive behavior. She wrote, "I have found for myself that a 'loose' food plan that you stick to is far better than a 'strict' one that you don't stick to. Be willing to be grateful when you follow that 'loose' plan and to count yourself abstinent. Then see how many others of the OA tools and steps you are willing to make a regular part of your life. "
I feel really hopeless about food right now. I just have no willingness to NOT eat. And I never want to call you or anyone else... I'm not sure why. I'm sorry I haven't done what I said I would do.
I wake up every morning, determined to eat well. This morning was no exception. I ate my normal cottage cheese with fruit, 2 pieces of whole-grain toast and coffee. Then I went to work and got a lot accomplished. I even asked some people at work if they would like to start a weekly support group for eating issues (I sent an email) and I got 5 responses!
Then I came home for a late lunch and ate a can of chili with cheese and sour cream. I don't know, somewhere along the way I decided that chili fit my food plan. Then I got a craving for cereal with sugar, so I just did it. It wasn't even really a big "will I or won't I" moment... I just did it. It's like I've given up. I have no resistance.
I suppose this is relapse. I'm "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I guess all I can do is pray...
GOD, please give me willingness to turn my life and my will over to you. Please help me to say yes to life and no to choices that lead to death. Please give me serenity and hope. Amen.
I guess I am starting again now. Do you think my food plan is too strict? Sometimes I think I would do better with just a 3-meal plan but don't restrict it. Maybe I could start with 3 meals a day, no sugar and no snacks. What do you think of that?
I'm so grateful to have a sponsor. She is a wise lady who cares and who has a lot of great abstinence...
I'm about to go to bed, but I wanted to take this time to think about my abstinence and be grateful. I always find this time of night to be the toughest. How I long to grab a bowl of cereal or a bagel! But I don't need that. I've eaten plenty of food tonight. I will not starve. I will wake up in the morning and have my breakfast. I will eat lunch and dinner. There is no shortage of food in my life. No need to panic.
Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post. I'm humbled and grateful for the community of support that I have in OA and on this blog.