Day Sixty!

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

:Hi, Charlie!::

Today is a wonderful day. Today is Day Sixty for me. Thank God for two months of abstinence. Thank God for some peace and freedom around my food choices. Thank God for 22 pounds that I have released from this body of mine.

Still no job. I'm just 6 weeks away from my ending date. I'm afraid in some ways, but I'm at peace in other ways. We'll be okay. God loves me and my family. For Today, I will eat well and carefully. I will love myself because God loves me. I will make those choices well. I will courageously change that which I actually can change. Like the kinds of food I put into my body.

Peace out.

Just Showed Up...

Hey, my name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm doing well today, and I'm grateful. 51 days of staying on my food plan! Thank You God! On this Palm Sunday, the kickoff to Holy Week, I am grateful for my Higher Power, Jesus, and His love and care for me.

I feel like I'm "waking up" again after a long slumber. I love this song by Sara Groves. Click to play and read the words. See if this resonates with you the way it resonates with me.



Just Showed Up for My Own Life
Sara Groves
from the album "Add to the Beauty"
(Buy it from Amazon here. Download it from iTunes here.)

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take
By working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface
Repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the commonplace
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real
Until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear
And it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright...

Sara Groves is an amazing singer-songwriter. Her grasp of human nature and God's grace and her ability to put it into words is so encouraging to me. Check out her website here.

Breathe Deep, Charlie

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I stepped on the scale and saw 200 pounds today. What a cool thing. I'm grateful to God for removing my cravings and giving me the willingness day by day to live sugar and refined white flour. I am willing today to live with only three very structured meals. And as a result my body has seen fit to "let go" of 22 pounds in the last 50 days or so. Thank You, God!

Even in the midst of some really crazy life experiences... a job transition coming up and no job on the horizon and no money in the bank and a wife and four kids to feed... I have peace. I know that God is doing in me what I couldn't do for myself. I will be fine.

It's funny... Maybe I already wrote about this, I don't remember, but in this chaos, I can't control a lot... Will so-and-so call? Will I be the right fit for this job? I can't control these things. I let them go. What I can do is choose - NOW - to eat abstinently. I can choose to jog in the mornings. And sometimes I do make that choice and it feels awful and wonderful all at the same time. In this time where I don't have a lot of control over my life, it feels good to make healthy choices where I can.

I'm grateful to God and OA for giving me the tools to recognize the choices I can make and to make those choices wisely. When I'm in relapse I can't see or make those choices. With a little sobriety here, I have the freedom again to make those choices well.

Breathe deep, Charlie. It'll be OK.

Peace to Me

Charlie. Compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I love how enthusiastic y'all are when you welcome me to this forum day after day. :)

I ran again today, after NOT running for four days. It was murder actually getting out the door, but once I started it felt so good... I ran for twenty full minutes! That's good for me... and I walked for five or six minutes before and after the run... Listened to my iPod and just enjoyed some cool weather.

Feelings today: sad, joyful, peaceful, anxious, grateful, regretful, resentful. Yeah, that covers it.

I'm still on the scale every day. Thanks for the support and encouragement to put it away or whatever, but I'm not willing to do that yet. Praying for willingness to let my Higher Power take care of that part. I'm a little bit obsessed with getting below 200 lbs. I haven't been under 200 since last summer, and it was just for a moment... a shining little moment. This time around, I have been losing weight slowly but surely (and YES, I know that 20 lbs. in 46 days is really quite fast), and it feels a lot more "real." I'm not cheating here and there. I'm just turning my food over and trusting God to take me to the results... And so in a sense I HAVE been letting God care for that part of it. Even though I get on the scale nearly every day, I don't despair when I don't see the results that I want. I know they will come in God's time. If I stay on the plan, surrender every day to this Program and to God.

I keep waiting for "breakthrough" in weight loss. Maybe it will come, maybe not. I lost much faster last time I got abstinent in Program. But I was two and a half years younger then too... Now I'm in my late thirties, and I know our bodies and metabolism change over the years.

Much change and anxiety in my life. I'm waiting by the phone for a call about a job. I have a lot of hope, but the phone hasn't rung yet. Oh God, give me peace and let me rest in Your love for me. My identity does not come from a job or from being skinny, but from being Your creation and the one You love...

Recovery and Serenity in the Midst of Chaos

Hi, may name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Hey look at that... I'm back. And I survived the visit of my relatives! I did pretty well... I didn't take the time to journal or even blog, but I stuck to the food plan and kept it up, one day at a time. Thank You to God...

I'm have officially lost 20 pounds from my "this time" high of 222. I'm grateful. I *know* it's not all about the weight. But man, does it feel good to see and feel results on my body! I even went out jogging 4 times last week. I *hate* jogging, but I made myself do it... I know it's good for me.

I've been feeling a lot of peace, even though my life is in a lot of turmoil right now. I have basically given notice at my job, and I'll be leaving the area at the end of May with my whole family (four kids and a wife!)... I am absolutely broke and cannot afford this, but I know it's the right thing to do. I am currently on a crazy nation-wide job search. I have three possibilities at this point, and I have no idea how serious they are or if their salaries could support our family. I'm a pastor, and so salaries are typically not very high.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Fear of a Repeat Performance

Hi, I'm Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I want to talk about one thing here quickly while I'm thinking about it.

This past summer I was doing pretty well on this food plan... a modified version that included probably too much alcohol... but I was doing OK. I had dropped down to 195 pounds. All that changed when I had some visitors, relatives that I love a lot. They are both compulsive overeaters, and it has had terrible effects on their health and the quality of their lives. But that week that we spent together wreaked havoc on my program (which was, admittedly, very weak). I ended up eating just like them by the end of the week, and it just went downhill from there.

So why am I talking about it now? Because they're coming to visit next week. And I'm a little afraid of that. But I pray that this time around I can do it right. I'll talk about it and I'll make healthy choices.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Dodging a Bullet

Good morning... I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Well, friends... I'm doing OK today. I am sitting in a Panera Bread restaurant drinking coffee and working/blogging.

I walked in, though, and the smell about knocked me off my feet. I am a big fan of bread, so why I would choose to surround myself with it when it's not in my plan right now is a mystery to me. Damn, it smells good in here. My addict started whispering in my ear: "One bagel is NOT going to sabotage your food plan. You can get a whole grain bagel with no butter or cream cheese. You are on Day 26 of your food abstinence. You're going to add in whole grains in four days anyway. No one will know. Just do it."

And by the grace of God I opened my mouth and said, "Just a small coffee please."

This feels like it's taking a long time. But the miracles of recovery are already all around me. I don't have the crazy cravings I had just a month ago. There's a sense of peace around my eating. I am committed to this, one day at a time, for the long haul. I'm actually at peace (today, anyway) with the idea that I might never again, for the rest of my life, eat sugar. I still am compulsive about my weight, getting on the scale several times a day. And I want results faster, even though I have seen a 15-pound weight loss in less than a month (remarkable by any standard), I am not satisfied. I seem to remember a faster loss before, but I think I'm imagining things. I think I'm not satisfied because this is the THIRD time I've seen significant weight loss... and I'm not convinced I'll make it this time! I've done this so many times, lost 15-20 pounds and then put it back on and then some... But this time feels different again... I'm committed to my food plan. For Today, I'll make it... I'll make it...

I wonder if I need to make fewer weigh-ins part of my abstinence. That scares me, and I'm not willing to do it yet. But I'll think and pray about it - really. And if you have any feedback, I'm happy to receive it.