Monday, August 9, 2010

Terrified and Relieved

Hi, I'm Charlie, a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a big week. I posted last Monday, so full of resentment and hopelessness. Then the miracles started to happen.

A recovery friend from Twitter reached out and really encouraged me. And then I got a call from a woman in our local OA Saturday morning meeting. Miracles? Felt like it to me. Those glimpses of sanity and friendship were enough to get me to a meeting on Saturday morning.

I arrived a few minutes late, so I had to ring the doorbell for the building where we meet. Who should come around the corner to let me in? The woman who had called on Friday. Of course.

After the meeting I was ready to ask her to sponsor me. I knew she has what I so desperately need. Funny thing: She offered to work with me before I even had to ask. Wow.

So we sat and talked for an hour. We're on our way. We have identified that one of the most important things for me right now is routine. Discipline. Keeping my word to myself and others. Finishing what I start.

So tomorrow morning I'm going to start calling her every morning. At 6:00am. I will read my writing assignments to her and commit my food to her. I've never had such a structured sponsor relationship. I have tons of reading and writing to do. I'm terrified and relieved at the same time. Relieved that I am turning over the reins of my life to my higher power... literally... putting my food decisions into another's hand (I will follow the HOW plan initially) and being accountable to reading, writing and sharing every day. It feels good and right to surrender, to let go. Terrified that I won't be able to let go. That I'll screw things up. That I'll try to control everything. That I won't be completely honest.

I get crazy about things like this. I start feeling panicky: How will I tell her what I'm going to eat tomorrow night for dinner? I never know until I start to look in the fridge! How will I possibly be able to call her consistently at 6 every morning? What about THIS SUNDAY, when I have a BBQ/Pool Party that I myself am hosting? What will I eat? How will I survive this?

My sponsor says that this craziness is exactly why I need this program. Why I need - especially to start - some serious routine and some lack of freedom. Look what freedom has given me to this point in my life.

Praying that I can breathe deep, take this one day at a time and find physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.


Recovering Anorexic said...

orexicCongrats on getting a sponsor! I wish you luck on this new journey of yours. When I question whether or not I can do program, I tell myself I was willing to go to great lengths to continue my eating disorder. In recovery, I must be willing to go to great lengths to continue my recovery. You can do it!

G. Rabanon said...

This is really great progress Charlie! I have the same problem with not knowing ahead of time what my meals will look like, it is something I'm working on with my sponsor too. You know what they say... failure to plan is planning to fail! And remember, there's no excuse for staying in a slip and letting it become a relapse. Take it slow, one minute at a time, and never forget that we've got your back!

The Binge Diary said...

Congrats on your progress. I am proud of you. Keep blogging! Add that to your daily routine!