More Step Work

Hi Everyone. I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

More First Step work...

1a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside OA?

Well. I've tried Weight Watchers, the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Master Cleanse, a personal trainer who made me a great food plan, fasting, and compulsive calorie-counting.

The results? When I did the calorie-counting along with exercise, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.

When I did OA the first time, I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself. Then I gained it all back.

Cabbage soup was nasty. Master Cleanse was awful. I starved the whole time and ended up cheating, stopping the fast early and binging on cheeseburgers. The personal trainer. Huh. He's a friend of mine, and I'm basically wallowing in shame right now because I've been ignoring his generous help and support. I'm basically avoiding him. Weight Watchers was OK, but honestly, it was a bummer because I was the only man there. Similar to OA, at least here in my city, but OA is better.

Yes, I'm still looking for a solution outside OA. I don't want to admit I'm sick. I want to think I can just somehow get it together and get thin.

I'm so tired of feeling fat. I'm as fat as I've ever been today. I have some gigs coming up, and I just want to look like a rocker. I sound like one... the band it awesome, and I feel great about my vocals. But I feel like I don't look the part. I'm singing these bad-ass songs, and I feel like people will be judging me based on my weight. No one will think I'm sexy, and no one will think I'm a bad-ass.

Not that I am... but when you're singing rock songs with a band, you wanna come across that way, right?

The good news is that I am not eating tonight, even though I want cereal so badly my mouth is watering. I've been drinking water.

I don't have a food plan right now. My sponsor and I have no relationship to speak of. I never call her. I wonder if I could look to find another one outside of this area... Maybe a former OA friend from the Bay Area... I think I'll look into that. Help, God!

Step One, Question One

Hi, Everyone. I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

And I'm totally avoiding this.

I have an OA workbook, and I want to blog my way through it. I've been telling myself that I would do it later... you know, after my seminary class is over, after Easter, after things "settle down." And that would be when?

So, since there will never be a good time to do this, I'm going to start now. It won't be perfect. I can't manage everything. But I will just type and try to answer the damn questions.

STEP ONE We admitted that we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

1. "In OA we were encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

I'm having trouble writing this in a history... I think I'll just bullet point some highlights from my illustrious career.

• All the times I tried to "start over" tomorrow, or Sunday, or Monday, or the first of the month, or on my birthday, or on such-and-such a holiday, or on New Year's Day. Some of those "do-overs" are documented on this blog or were documented on its previous incarnation. And, huh... Look at that, I'm still here, with only one day of abstinence.
• All the times I took out cash so my wife wouldn't know I was going to McDonald's or other drive-thrus on my way to or from work.
• All the times I ate fast food right before I got home, trying to cram it all in, and then hid the bag under the seat, went in, and ate dinner with my family. I could barely eat because I was so miserable. But that never stopped me. I did it again and again.
• Staying up late to eat after everyone else is asleep. Eating 2-3 bowls of cereal, sometimes with sugar dumped on top of it. Eating until I felt like I would burst. Eating while a voice in my head kept saying, "Just stop, dammit!"
• The insanity of having to eat another kind of food in order to make up for the food I just ate. Binge on ice cream, now I need something salty. Now something sweet again.
  
• Fast food. Oh my. I remember one specific time I started at McDonald's (my all-time drug of choice), got a big meal there, and then went right across the street to Burger King because I wanted a chicken sandwich with cheese and onion rings. I already had the Diet Coke from McDonald's (always a diet), so I got a shake at BK. I had a three-hour trip ahead of me, I reasoned. I could eat it all. And I did, but I was miserable.
• I remember the insanity of thinking I could just have one milk shake after 7 months of abstinence. That was the beginning of a relapse that, really, continues to this day.
• Yes, I've done the whole "eat out of the trash" thing. Not often, but really, isn't once enough to qualify me as a compulsive overeater?
• At restaurants I often make sure my kids' plates are clean. By eating their food myself. Sometimes I even hang back as everyone's leaving to make sure I can grab a last fry or half a cheeseburger.
• I don't know halfway or moderation. For me, there is no "just a little bit" of sugar. For me, it seems to be all or nothing. Either I'm "on plan" or I'm not. And when I'm not, I'm NOT... I'm totally binging.

That's it for tonight. More to come.

Time Will Tell

Hi, I'm Charlie, a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

Yes, dear friends, it's been a hell of a couple months. I've been in the middle of an enormous relapse. I blamed it on everything. My seminary class, my job, my big family, everything. (See my last post, right before Easter.)

Whatever. I made myself go back to OA on Saturday morning. It was SO good to be back. I had to ring the doorbell cuz I got there a few minutes late, and of course who sould come around the corner to let me in but my sponsor... I haven't even called or emailed her in months! She gave me a hug and welcomed me back. I'm grateful.

Tonight I finished my final exam for my class. I'm done now until the fall. I have a little (OK, a lot) more time now. What will I do with it? Maybe I'll dive into my stepwork, which I intend to do here on the blog, at least a good bit of it.

Maybe I'll stay on plan. Maybe I'll get better. Maybe I'll surrender to God, one day at a time. Maybe I'll remember how bad relapse feels. Maybe I'll keep reaching out for help. Maybe I'll come back and post here regularly. Maybe I'll be grateful for the support and encouragement that you readers and Twitter followers regularly give me. Maybe I'll give back.

Time will tell. God help me.

A New Willingness

Hi Friends. I'm Charlie, a recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

It's been a long time since I've posted anything new here. I'm OK... Hanging in there, one day at a time, on my "relaxed" food plan.

Busy: It's Holy Week, and I'm a minister of music. Rehearsals tonight, Wednesday and Saturday. Services Thursday night, Friday night and Sunday morning.

Busy: I'm a seminary student, eight weeks into a fifteen-week-long three-credit-hour course. Papers, reading, tests, quizzes, interacting with others on a message board. It's relentless.

Busy: I'm working with a sponsor in OA and doing a weekly food group with some colleagues from church. I try to get to one OA meeting a week as well.

Busy: I'm married with 4 kids! Soccer, music lessons, church programming...

Serenity is not something I understand right now. I'm cranky and harried. My wife got a speeding ticket today. We cannot afford that. And then I took one of our cars in to get a screw removed from a tire. It couldn't be repaired, so $116 later, I have a new tire. Our youngest son was sick today, so we had to shuffle him around between us. And his prescription cost $40.

Money is a concern all the time. We are grateful to have steady income, but it's never enough, especially when unexpected expenses come along. Sometimes (now) I feel overwhelmed and hopeless about money. Like we'll never get ahead. Like we'll never get out of debt.

So I guess I'm OK. I'm not well, but I'm OK, and I'm not bingeing constantly. (Is it "bingeing" or "binging"?)

Funny, when I started to write this post, I was not intending to complain about all of this. I even titled it "A New Willingness." I was intending to write about my food plan and how today I feel willing - a gift from God, no doubt - to eat in a healthy way, to make my three meals small and healthy. I had fruit, coffee and cottage cheese for breakfast. I had a salad for lunch. Tonight I will eat chicken and salad. I have willingness, and I'm grateful.

Now, God, get me through this week.

My Sunny Self

Hi, I'm Charlie, a happy recovering compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm just messing around... I realize my last few posts have been rather "dark." I am doing well, though. Look at that, I weighed in today (for the first time since February 19!) and I'm actually down a few. That's good news, right? I've put together some abstinence! That's good news!

I think I'll be grateful today.

My wife is a delightful woman who has put up with me for 16 years now. I am truly blessed to share my life with someone so patient, kind, strong and beautiful.

My kids are so awesome. How could a dad ask for more? Four smart, strong, funny, thoughtful, active, crazy kiddos!

After two years of uncertainty, I have a steady, solid, fulfilling job doing what I love.

I live in a house that I own for the first time in my life!

It's sunny, breezy and 68 degrees outside!

I'm recovering from compulsive overeating, one day at a time.

God made me. God loves me. God has a plan for me. God will help me.

It's a good day, and it's a good life. Thank You, God.

Checking In Again

Hi Everyone. My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

::Hi, Charlie!::

I'm going to check in today in bullet points. I honestly don't even feel disciplined enough to write in paragraphs.

• I'm still abstinent on my "loose" plan: 3 meals a day, no snacks, no sugar.
• I've started calling that sugar part "intentional acts of sugar." I like that. "No intentional acts of sugar." So that means if there's sugar in a spaghetti sauce or something, that's OK. I don't have to stress about that, but I can't dump sugar on cereal or eat ice cream.
• I'm tired and listless today.
• But I've slept a lot lately.
• Because I was sick as a dog Sunday and Monday. Diarrhea. I know, too much information.
• It's Spring Break. My wife works full-time. My job is flexible. Thus, I am home and dragging kids around with me when I have to go in to work.
• I have no willingness to work on recovery. But I think I still want it.
• I'm scared of my weigh-in on the 19th.
• I have to lead choir tonight at church and I don't want to.
• I'm taking a seminary class online, and I feel like I'm falling behind, but I'm not doing much about it.
• I'm such a food addict that even when I was sick and dehydrated, even when I didn't feel like eating, I still managed to eat something, even though it made me feel worse.
• And now that I'm "better" (even though my stomach is still sensitive), I am eating stuff that's greasy and not necessarily good for me. Still abstinent, not wise though.
• OK, thanks for reading.
  

A Reprieve

My name is Charlie, and I'm a compulsive overeater.

I'm feeling good about my food plan and my abstinence today. I am not feeling all obsessive about what and when I get to eat. Somehow this "looser" plan feels right. I'm grateful.

Busy. God, grant me serenity. Amen.